I Can't Believe It... I Actually Left

If you read my last story, you will know that I was the "other woman" in my last relationship. Yes, last. I finally got it all together and I left him. When it came down to it, I finally just said, "Its me or her. I can't live like this anymore." And he begged me not to go and just said he needed time and that he loved me and same ol' same ol'. But I did it! I am so proud of myself. I am with a new guy now and he is so good to me. He treats me like a princess and he ALWAYS puts me first. I never have to feel like I'm on the back burner. Trust me girls, if you are with a married man, leave him. You will be SO much happier. I didn't believe that until now. I honestly loved him (my married ex) and I suppose a part of me always will, but I think I'm doing very well and it gets easier every day. I'll keep you guys posted.

fuego fuego
38 Responses Jul 6, 2008

Good for you.

Best wishes to you and your new relationship.

Proud of you. Good luck on your future and I pray that you will always be happy and never ever settle to be someone's 2nd best ever again!!!

Congrats..I'm still trying to leave my MM. Can't wait for my time to shine.

I hope everything works out!! :)

congratulations on finding your self-respect and self-worth.

It's a great feeling, isn't it? Congrats on your newfound strength and happiness...been there, done that, and sooo much better off now! *Hugs*

One word: kids.

Were there kids? If so, you can also feel fantastic about NOT having a huge role in the messing-up of their value systems. Now they MAY still get messed-up -- but at least it wasn't YOU who did it.

Personally, I'm really sick of human adults not giving a dang about the KIDS. It's incredibly selfish to not kick some butt and get to work FIXING your wobbly & weak marriage.

So proud of you. Keep it up. You deserve to be happy without hurting anybody. GOD bless you.


These are stories I need to read over and over....words of truth....thankyou

way to go girl. Married men that cheat are nothing but no good liars and want the best of both worlds.

Good for you.

thats wonderful! hope everything goes well for you <br />

Well, you've done the right thing finally. So many woman are clueless about love. Believe me, if a man loves you, he would not put you in a hurtful relationship. If a man doesn't love you, he will use you for as long as he can get away with it.<br />
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Love and respect go hand in hand. Making you the other woman is about as far from respect as you can get.

well if you are married to a cheating husband he doesn't respect you either,

I'm sorry women, but many men will claim to love you but in reality are just using you for sex. a chunk of percentage of cheating-married men think with their dicks and do not want to lose their extra hump on the weekend. <br />
If that cheating-man really loves you, he would do anything in his power to be by your side. He will not wait another month, year, decade to "make his decision."<br />
Girls, also realize that out of THOSE men, there is a slight chance your MM that ends up with you will also cheat on you in the future as well. <br />
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I am talking honesty. Of experience. and of hearing other women talk about this. <br />
Stop letting yourself get hurt and put your foot down girls!

well done and all best wishes for your new life

Good for you. I am proud of anybody who can let go a MM after a time. I give you alot of credit to end it. I am still trying after being with one for more than 20 years. To all of you out there, GET OUT AS SOON AS YOU CAN when you know he will not leave. It's going to be hell to end it. I'm still in hell and I broke it off 6 months ago. Nobody seems to be able to help me. All the conventional things like: psychologist, psychics, friends, family, books, internet, etc. etc. My mind and heart just doesn't want to conmmunicate. It's just costing me alot of money that I just don't have.

This is the saddes part. We are looked at as the bad people, and yet it was love that drove us, the MM had other intentions, using was on top of the list. I am so sad for you....I can't imagine a life of these feelings, and 30 years is a long time. I did join meetup groups, they are all over areas in US. Try them, you may not be able to tell your store (or maybe you will) but there are a lot of fine people out there, and they will be your freinds. Thats really it for recovery, keep busy, and make many freinds, that has been a great help for me through these trying times. I am 59 and doing my first running marathon. It hasn't been easy, but it keeps me focused and only when i wake up or late at night, I feel the pain....one day, that may be gone.

You are so strong and brave. I wish I was like you. Involved with MM for 28 years finally ended it still having trouble. It's been 6 months and I still can't let him go

He was never your "married ex" - he was busy using you for sex and companionship all the while going back to his happy little home.<br />
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Don't fool yourself into thinking otherwise.

ah he wouldn't be cheating if he loved and respected his wife also and believe me that can't be a happy home.

You clearly don't know what marriage is then lol

that's great that you had the courage to stay away. i try to and only stay away for two months. now i'm confuse and feel like i have no one to talk to.

What about us guys i had this MW that we knew for 10+years we had a connection about a year ago and i was almoast divorced to be with her and she chickened out she left me at the althar heartbroken but i still love her with all my heart i'm the only one that can take her to places that she never knew existed we are perfect for eachother we complement eac hother perfectly but she felt bad for the other guy and she is willing to live a life without love only the feeling os the kids being with his father i;m still on the side she still wants me to be with her all the time im so in love with her that i rather have er like that than nothing at all

Good for you--uraqt--and remember--1at a time and don't take no wooden nickels or wooden men--I know--hobojo

There are many excellent comments on here and of course some more unpleasant ones. I was the other woman. My MM was in a truly abusive relationship and an all but dead marriage. We were friends and that friendship grew. He is now divorced and we have been dating openly and legitimately for over a year. He treats me like a princess and everyone who knew him from his married days tells both of us quite openly how much happier he seems and how happy they are to see him with someone who treats him right. So if your MM really loves you, he will do what it takes to be with you, mine did.

But the problem is that you may not know until you have wasted the best years of your life and passed up many loving relationships where you would be #1, only to find out years later that your married man doesn't want to be with you and wants to remain married. you may find out he doesn't love you as much when his wife finds out about the affair and he then completely end his relationship with you and breaks your heart so he can save his marriage. Do you really want to take that chance, because the statistics prove that is what happens far more often than the married man leaving his wife for the mistress.

Happy for you !! At least he was not using you. He was in a relationship where he thought he could be happy, but ended up getting hurt. The main thing is he decided to end things with her to be with you , someone who makes him happy. There are happy endings to these kind of relationships, but some men just use other women. Yours didnt and I wish you a happy and great life with him :)

You've all given me the courage to put an end today to something that has been going on for almost 5 years. I hope to remain strong. I know it will hurt. But now I have found this site and I know I am not alone. Thank you for sharing.......

you should be proud of yourself but take some time and know what u want get to know yourself before you commit to someone else....and make sure that you get rid of all baggage that is in your life... that is good that you manage to move on... make sure its for the right reasons <br />
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Good luck <br />
angryand shy

"10years".....your post does cover all the basis of an affair. Let us know how you are doing? There is never a sliver lining to any affairs.

i wish i have that courage like yours=( but i'm happy for you..!you're such a strong woman my dear..

This is a HAPPY story!

karma is a b1tch. if you ever find out your man cheated on you.. don't be surprised.

this makes me smile

I wish I am strong as you are.......

Never allow someone to be your priority, while allowing yourself to be their option.<br />
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Annie, looks like you're starting to realize that your love affair is coming to an end. If you finally felt it, it's because he was projecting it onto you.<br />
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Go with your gut feeling, be the first to walk out with your head held high & your pride still intact, but be sure to read the attached links. I was with my MM for 10 years, you'll never be the main woman, for reasons beyond your MM. <br />
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Just move on and don't waste any more precious years. Keep the fond memories, and be grateful that you have had had a chance to experience the kind of deep & intense love that many never had a chance to. Now that you know you can experience such deep love, find somebody you can be free with. <br />
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The sooner you move out, the sooner you'll have a chance to experience it again. I understand - we just broke up & it HURTS! We're kind of helping each other through it, mostly with e-mails & counseling, bus as of next week we'll be ready for NO CONTACT. I know it's hard to imagine your life without him, but I'm surviving, and I'm starting to see some hope (I think).<br />
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My story below.<br />
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Been with my MM 10 years. First 7 he insisted he'd never leave his family. When I left, we couldn't stay apart and decided to have a future together. We started working on a 3-yr plan for him to extract himself from his marriage until the youngest was 16 yrs old. We got "kind of " busted before, so we couldn't do it right away, or it would be obvious he left for me and the wife would've turned the kids against him. <br />
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During those 3 years we've frozen embryos, bought investment property, invested $, etc - trying to set up for our future.<br />
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Well, the three years are up, the kids are grown up, he tried, and he couldn't do it. We even went to a counselor, and counselor said most of the time the kids will hate the father for hurting the mother, and will lose all respect for him for cheating, or finding someone new quickly. Even if we try to cover our tracks, we left enough crumbs that it will be apparent to everyone he might’ve been cheating during his marriage. Or they’d have major suspicions.<br />
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So he couldn't stand losing the respect and the love of his grown kids, and may be never seeing his grandkids later down the road because the kids would disown him. So after 10 years together, we've broken up. We tried to come up with ways to cover our tracks, so nobody would suspect anything once we had a future together, but it'd still come out. Every counselor we spoke to said that. But what's worse is the wife turning the kids against him if he left. We cried like babies for two weeks straight after that, but we also know that he would be destroyed, for the rest of his life, if all of those predictions came true. And bases on statistics, 99% of the times they do. The counselors said the only affairs that beat the odds are where the man is cold and callous, and can walk away without giving a second glance to the destroyed lives he leaves behind. That’s why of those affairs that do beat the odds, 80% end up falling apart, anyway. The outside pain and pressures just kill the relationship.<br />
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The bottom line is that a father will give up anything to keep his kids, and the love of his kids. Even The Love of his Life! He'd rather live in misery, knowing his kids are happy, than the other way around. <br />
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But believe me, none of the guys that cheat really have a bad marriage. They have fulfilling family lives with, or without you.<br />
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Here are some cases of what happens once the husband leaves, which is why the never do. And also, information about what’s really going on in their live and marriages, no matter how miserable you think they are:<br />
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<a href="http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Am-The-Other-Woman/492146" target="ep_blank">EP Link</a><br />
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http://www.helium.com/items/1251688-the-other-woman<br />
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http://www.helium.com/items/883712-being-the-other-woman<br />
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http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-cope-with-being-the-other-woman/<br />
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http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/10-things-you-can-learn-about-cheating-from-the-tiger-woods-saga/<br />
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And here are some good quotes:<br />
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The Cheater cheats everyone around him, while the Other Woman tends to focus on him deceiving others to be with her. She doesn’t spend enough time considering that he has to deceive her, too, in order to deal with his other life.<br />
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When you carry negative beliefs about love, relationships, and yourself, you inadvertently end up choosing partners and relationships that reflect these things, not challenge them.<br />
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When you have little or no boundaries in relationships, you open yourself up to, at best, being taken advantage of and at worst being abused. It’s like wearing a sign saying ‘Kick me, disrespect me, do as you please. I’ll still be here’. We all need limits, otherwise we have no opt-out point.<br />
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Having little or no foundations as a basis for a relationship means that you love and trust blindly, and choose to stay in a relationship for illusionary reasons. You love, and choose to love and stay, before you actually have evidence that suggests that you should.<br />
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When contradicting words with having inconsistent actions, it shows that neither has any real meaning. When we listen to words and ignore real actions, we dine off illusions.<br />
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Betting on “potential” means that you ignore someone’s consistent behavior, and decide you know better, rather than adjust your ‘vision’ and ‘expectations’ to something more realistic, just because it doesn’t suit your agenda.<br />
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Over-thinking and over-discussing, to the point of not actually doing anything, means that you render yourself immobile, by stalling to make a decision and delaying taking action.<br />
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Loving people unconditionally even when they have little or no love, care, trust, and respect for you means that you love without any care for yourself in the hope it’ll be reciprocated.<br />
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Projecting our vision of things, and sticking with it even when we have real evidence contradicting our views, means that we have ‘fake’ relationships.<br />
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Expecting things & qualities from people that we either aren’t, don’t have ourselves, or should be providing for ourselves, means we create unrealistic expectations, and are therefore setting ourselves up to fail at relationships.<br />
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Accepting lies, ridiculous statements, and outrageous behavior means you invite illusions into your life, live in denial, and don’t value honesty.<br />
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If we choose partners that respect our boundaries and act with love, care, trust, and respect as part of their general character, these people are far more likely to yield a decent relationship because it’s not a stretch to behave decently – it’s part of their core behavior because, they act with integrity and strong values in all areas.<br />
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Getting out of the comfort zone is painful, and for most people there first has to be a very painful experience, followed by a huge crisis, before they say: “I can’t go on like this”, “I can’t live like this any more”, etc.<br />
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That which you don’t hate, you learn to tolerate.<br />
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The No Contact Rule will stop you from ruling out all your options by fighting the compulsion to make him, the relationship, and your pain, the only option.<br />
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Chasing someone who doesn’t love you back, or doesn’t want you in the way that you want them, or even recognize your value, is exhausting. Get your energy, your sanity, your self-esteem, and your power back - so that you can live.<br />
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By engaging in this “getting a guy to make you the exception” behavior, and making them the exception by creating different rules or removing limits, you end up living inconsistently with your own value system, as well as create inner turmoil that fuels your unhappiness.<br />
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Many people operate off the ‘they have their good points’ concept, and even if it’s 10%, they ignore the other very worrying 90%…<br />
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Let’s be real – it’s pretty ‘exceptional’ for someone to radicalize themselves, and take such a massive leap in character.<br />
I’m not saying it doesn’t happen. However, maybe it’s time to worry about why you need someone so lacking in basic character and relationship decency.<br />
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I wish i had found this a year ago, my husband was prepared to forgive me after he found out about my affair and he agreed to give me sometime but my mm couldnt do the same. We agreed a month apart but within a day he was in contact and although i said nothing will change ie his kids will always be his kids he said it would we there were older. He says he will leave next year, they will then be 16 and 14 but you are so right they wont forgive him. His wife knows about us and i have met her, not a pleasant experience and i know she is playing the waiting game and the thing is she is right. Im so sad right now and i trying to distance myself from my mm. My husband has told me that he has met someone else and is moving to a different country at the end of August, I never really give it a chance and now its too late. And part of me blames my mm for not letting me try. He is looking forward to not having to pay for hotels and spending time at my house but I dont see it that way, all I see are wasted years as a mistress.

From what I have seen with other people you are absolutely right. "But believe me, none of the guys that cheat really have a bad marriage. They have fulfilling family lives with, or without you." This is often true. Whether they love the mistress or not, they often still love the wife, and many times they love the wife more which is why they don't end up leaving her and instead end the affair. Particularly if they get caught by the wife.

true, but i dont believe they love the wife nor the mistress. They love the situaion because, it's all about sex and if they can get with they want and dont have to worry about consequences then its all good to them. Married men are selfish and only- i mean only care about themselves. If you are not operating in love, then you are operating in seflishness. Love does not make you do such things to people you say you love. regaurdless who het married men stayes with. Big deal who he stays with. No one id getting treated fairly but the married man. Although the mistress is part to blame, becuase she condones what is happening to her. But thats what a mistress asks for when you say yes to sex. Cause that is the only thing a married man is asking for, is can they par take in a sexual relationship with someone else other than they're wife. The mistress and the husband is wrong on all levels, and a mistress cannot act as if she is done wrongly, because she agrees to this foolishness. No one can do anything to you unless you allow them to. So a mistress only helps someone takes advantage of her. A married man is a cheater, and that is how they live their life as a cheater. and who is to say that the mistress is the only woman that he is involved with. Most of the time the married man has someone else.

"true, but i dont believe they love the wife nor the mistress. They love the situaion because, it's all about sex and if they can get with they want and dont have to worry about consequences then its all good to them." that may be true but I think it is often obvious they love the wife more. They are married to her and have a home and life with her. All they usually have with the mistress is a few hours here or there and sex.

1 More Response

Good for you F. Proud you made it after all. Your will power arise that very moment and got you forward to the arms of this new guy. If I ever get thru mine.... I am sure I will be as happy as you are now. =)

I only wish that I had your strengh Fuego. <br />
Last night my married lover came to visit me and we made love as per "the norm" afterwards I felt (for the first time in 7 years) that I was "THE OTHER WOMAN" I felt used and insecure. Never before have I felt like this and it begs to question ...am I ready to end this relationship???<br />
Its never going to be more than an affair which to be honest he has never said any different.<br />
How can he love me but still keep me as his dirty little secret. I need some fire in my belly and some strong determination if i am to end this but I am far to afraid of being without him in my life!<br />
I suffer with depression and I may be bi-polar so he is the one thing that makes me feel good, or he did up until last night when things seemed so far from being right.<br />
My head is in such a mess over this guy who I truly love but can never be a part of his real life!<br />
can anyone please help me to work this out?

When you figure it out let me in on how. I am trying desperately to end a three year affair. With a man that is supposedly madly in love with me but, not willing to offer me more than 2 hours a week during a lunch break. For fear he will lose his beloved girlfriend. She put his name on her mortgage a year ago and is unwilling to "start over" now with me. It has been 4 days since we communicated and it feels like 4 years. HElp!!

"How can he love me but still keep me as his dirty little secret." Because you let him. If you start putting your foot down and being more demanding you will see how much he really loves you. Chances are he will end the relationship when you aren't easily giving him what he wants, and start demanding more. Many mistresses don't want to do anything that might end up proving that the married man doesn't love them, because they already know deep in their heart he really doesn't or loves the wife or girlfriend far more. They want to remain in denial because they love the man far more than he loves them, but they hope that some day that will change if they just keep doing what he wants. Lets face it, if he loved you more and you weren't just his toy on the side, he would leave his wife or girlfriend for you. I would suggest that you open yourself up to another relationship and start dating other men (who are available). If you develop feelings for one of them, it will be much easier to leave the married man behind.

"With a man that is supposedly madly in love with me but, not willing to offer me more than 2 hours a week during a lunch break. For fear he will lose his beloved girlfriend." You need to stop believing what he says and look at his behavior instead. Actions often speak far louder than words. Men will tell the mistress he is "madly in love" with her to keep her around when it really isn't true. If he was madly in love with you he wouldn't only be spending a couple of hours a week during a lunch break (which my guess is, is always to have sex) and spending the rest of his life with his beloved girlfriend. Mortgage or not, if he truly loved you and wanted to be with you more than the girlfriend he would find a way to do it. You need to face reality. You have let this man treat you this way for three years. People often treat us the way we let them. As I suggested to annie, start dating other available men and if the affair guy doesn't like it he will either need to step up to the plate and end his relationship with his beloved girlfriend or end it with you. Either way it will turn out better for you, because it will show you how he really feels, and if he ends it with you hopefully you will have found someone else who is willing to give you more than a couple of hours a week just to have sex with you. You have already wasted three years of your life with this man that you could be spending with someone else who truly loves you and wants to be with you as much as possible. Don't waste anymore of your time because the older you get, the far harder it will be to find a good, honest man to be with because they will all be with someone else. Do you want to end up a lonely old woman who has given the best years of her life to a man who gave the best of himself to someone else?

well, kinda let me help you out there. I am a ex- mistress( use to be with a married man and had a child in result). All married men are liars. and why do you women think and believe that you are the only one. In result 9 xout of 10 you are not. Dont say he doesn't have the time cause he always with me bull crap. cause he's not always with you, it just seems like he is. All married men live by the same laws. Liars, deciet, and selfishness. If hes not operating in love, then he's operating in selfishness. And we all know he does not love you. Cause if he was you won't be the other woman. You would be the woman. When a married man approaches you, he's basically saying he wants you to be his sex toy. Not his lover .It's called LUST not love. understand the diiference. I know you feel like you are a big girl, and you may argue me down and bla- bla- bla. i know i use to be you. But he is playing you. Why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free. You're really not giving him nothing tohave to work for to get. Man do not like nothing easy. They preferebly like to chase. Thats just who they are. So while your their making it easy for him. No he does not like you. You just keep showinghim, that he can have you and anyone else to. I was just wondering. Will you get mad if he was with you and his wife, plus another woman? and if yes why? cause you durn surley dont mind him being with his wife, which is still someone else anyway. So why care about any woman he is with, you are still are not number one. and you are still sharing. He is really calling you easy, and gullable. He recogonize your strengths and your weaknesses. and he plays on them. He knows when to step- up his game. Married man are PLAYAZ! They play and decieve woman, for the art of getting a piece for convience. You are a convient good peice of ***. I hate to be raw and uncut with it, but it's true. I was a fool to. and dumb. But guess what the real surprise is. It's partically your fault. Your helping him make you look dumb, so tell yourself thankyou.

1 More Response

Well done! It takes courage to do the right thing ...

Yes, you have every reason to be proud of yourself. I understand because I am trying my darnest right now to break away from this emotional affair I have with a guy half way around the world. We only chat email.. and yet it is affecting me to distraction and destruction.<br />
God Bless.