Post

I Can't Believe It... I Actually Left

If you read my last story, you will know that I was the "other woman" in my last relationship. Yes, last. I finally got it all together and I left him. When it came down to it, I finally just said, "Its me or her. I can't live like this anymore." And he begged me not to go and just said he needed time and that he loved me and same ol' same ol'. But I did it! I am so proud of myself. I am with a new guy now and he is so good to me. He treats me like a princess and he ALWAYS puts me first. I never have to feel like I'm on the back burner. Trust me girls, if you are with a married man, leave him. You will be SO much happier. I didn't believe that until now. I honestly loved him (my married ex) and I suppose a part of me always will, but I think I'm doing very well and it gets easier every day. I'll keep you guys posted.

fuego fuego 18-21 34 Responses Jul 6, 2008

Your Response

Cancel

One word: kids.

Were there kids? If so, you can also feel fantastic about NOT having a huge role in the messing-up of their value systems. Now they MAY still get messed-up -- but at least it wasn't YOU who did it.

Personally, I'm really sick of human adults not giving a dang about the KIDS. It's incredibly selfish to not kick some butt and get to work FIXING your wobbly & weak marriage.

So proud of you. Keep it up. You deserve to be happy without hurting anybody. GOD bless you.

I'm NOT a girl I'm a woman.& because of that If I ever dated anyone who was married I'D GET THE PROOF OF IT RIGHT AWAY & MAKE THE PROOF PUBLIC SO HIS WIFE WOULD FIND OUT FOR SURE.THEN SHE COULD STAY OR LEAVE.THAT'S WHAT ANGELINA JOLIE DID WHEN SHE DATED BRAD PITT.SHE MADE NO SECRET OF HER RELATIONSHIP WITH BRAD PITT.JENNIFER ANISTON FOUND OUT ABOUT BRAD PITT'S INFIDELITY.SHE DIVORCED HIM & HE WAS FREE TO BE WITH ANGELINA JOLIE.NOW BRAD PITT & ANGELINA JOLIE ARE TOGETHER.WHAT I HAVE DESCRIBED TO YOU IS THE ONLY CIVIL,FAIR WAY OF DEALING WITH SUCH A SITUATION.IT'S WHAT A STRONG INTELLIGENT WOMAN WOULD DO.IT'S NOT WHAT A SUBMISSIVE WEAK STUPUID LITTLE GIRL WOULD DO.:REMAIN SILENT.

These are stories I need to read over and over....words of truth....thankyou

Glad that you have left him. I'm on the midst of gathering my courage to leave him. It's just that we are working in the same company make it difficult for him to get out of my sight. All of us here is pretty sure that a new guy with no binding would definitely treat is better than the married one. Cheers to no more staring at phone waiting for him to text, no more lonely Holidays.

Good job :)

way to go girl. Married men that cheat are nothing but no good liars and want the best of both worlds.

Good for you.

thats wonderful! hope everything goes well for you

xoxo

Well, you've done the right thing finally. So many woman are clueless about love. Believe me, if a man loves you, he would not put you in a hurtful relationship. If a man doesn't love you, he will use you for as long as he can get away with it.



Love and respect go hand in hand. Making you the other woman is about as far from respect as you can get.

well if you are married to a cheating husband he doesn't respect you either,

I'm sorry women, but many men will claim to love you but in reality are just using you for sex. a chunk of percentage of cheating-married men think with their dicks and do not want to lose their extra hump on the weekend.

If that cheating-man really loves you, he would do anything in his power to be by your side. He will not wait another month, year, decade to "make his decision."

Girls, also realize that out of THOSE men, there is a slight chance your MM that ends up with you will also cheat on you in the future as well.



I am talking honesty. Of experience. and of hearing other women talk about this.

Stop letting yourself get hurt and put your foot down girls!

well done and all best wishes for your new life

Good for you. I am proud of anybody who can let go a MM after a time. I give you alot of credit to end it. I am still trying after being with one for more than 20 years. To all of you out there, GET OUT AS SOON AS YOU CAN when you know he will not leave. It's going to be hell to end it. I'm still in hell and I broke it off 6 months ago. Nobody seems to be able to help me. All the conventional things like: psychologist, psychics, friends, family, books, internet, etc. etc. My mind and heart just doesn't want to conmmunicate. It's just costing me alot of money that I just don't have.

This is the saddes part. We are looked at as the bad people, and yet it was love that drove us, the MM had other intentions, using was on top of the list. I am so sad for you....I can't imagine a life of these feelings, and 30 years is a long time. I did join meetup groups, they are all over areas in US. Try them, you may not be able to tell your store (or maybe you will) but there are a lot of fine people out there, and they will be your freinds. Thats really it for recovery, keep busy, and make many freinds, that has been a great help for me through these trying times. I am 59 and doing my first running marathon. It hasn't been easy, but it keeps me focused and only when i wake up or late at night, I feel the pain....one day, that may be gone.

You are so strong and brave. I wish I was like you. Involved with MM for 28 years finally ended it still having trouble. It's been 6 months and I still can't let him go

He was never your "married ex" - he was busy using you for sex and companionship all the while going back to his happy little home.



Don't fool yourself into thinking otherwise.

ah he wouldn't be cheating if he loved and respected his wife also and believe me that can't be a happy home.

You clearly don't know what marriage is then lol

that's great that you had the courage to stay away. i try to and only stay away for two months. now i'm confuse and feel like i have no one to talk to.

What about us guys i had this MW that we knew for 10+years we had a connection about a year ago and i was almoast divorced to be with her and she chickened out she left me at the althar heartbroken but i still love her with all my heart i'm the only one that can take her to places that she never knew existed we are perfect for eachother we complement eac hother perfectly but she felt bad for the other guy and she is willing to live a life without love only the feeling os the kids being with his father i;m still on the side she still wants me to be with her all the time im so in love with her that i rather have er like that than nothing at all

Good for you--uraqt--and remember--1at a time and don't take no wooden nickels or wooden men--I know--hobojo

There are many excellent comments on here and of course some more unpleasant ones. I was the other woman. My MM was in a truly abusive relationship and an all but dead marriage. We were friends and that friendship grew. He is now divorced and we have been dating openly and legitimately for over a year. He treats me like a princess and everyone who knew him from his married days tells both of us quite openly how much happier he seems and how happy they are to see him with someone who treats him right. So if your MM really loves you, he will do what it takes to be with you, mine did.

But the problem is that you may not know until you have wasted the best years of your life and passed up many loving relationships where you would be #1, only to find out years later that your married man doesn't want to be with you and wants to remain married. you may find out he doesn't love you as much when his wife finds out about the affair and he then completely end his relationship with you and breaks your heart so he can save his marriage. Do you really want to take that chance, because the statistics prove that is what happens far more often than the married man leaving his wife for the mistress.

You've all given me the courage to put an end today to something that has been going on for almost 5 years. I hope to remain strong. I know it will hurt. But now I have found this site and I know I am not alone. Thank you for sharing.......

I was the man, with that other woman, i left my wife for her, have been together 22years, i've never been happier,

you should be proud of yourself but take some time and know what u want get to know yourself before you commit to someone else....and make sure that you get rid of all baggage that is in your life... that is good that you manage to move on... make sure its for the right reasons



Good luck

angryand shy

"10years".....your post does cover all the basis of an affair. Let us know how you are doing? There is never a sliver lining to any affairs.

i wish i have that courage like yours=( but i'm happy for you..!you're such a strong woman my dear..

This is a HAPPY story!

Cosreal, nobody cares what you think. Post in your own groups - we aren't harassing you there.

karma is a b1tch. if you ever find out your man cheated on you.. don't be surprised.

this makes me smile

I wish I am strong as you are.......

Never allow someone to be your priority, while allowing yourself to be their option.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Annie, looks like you're starting to realize that your love affair is coming to an end. If you finally felt it, it's because he was projecting it onto you.



Go with your gut feeling, be the first to walk out with your head held high & your pride still intact, but be sure to read the attached links. I was with my MM for 10 years, you'll never be the main woman, for reasons beyond your MM.



Just move on and don't waste any more precious years. Keep the fond memories, and be grateful that you have had had a chance to experience the kind of deep & intense love that many never had a chance to. Now that you know you can experience such deep love, find somebody you can be free with.



The sooner you move out, the sooner you'll have a chance to experience it again. I understand - we just broke up & it HURTS! We're kind of helping each other through it, mostly with e-mails & counseling, bus as of next week we'll be ready for NO CONTACT. I know it's hard to imagine your life without him, but I'm surviving, and I'm starting to see some hope (I think).



My story below.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Been with my MM 10 years. First 7 he insisted he'd never leave his family. When I left, we couldn't stay apart and decided to have a future together. We started working on a 3-yr plan for him to extract himself from his marriage until the youngest was 16 yrs old. We got "kind of " busted before, so we couldn't do it right away, or it would be obvious he left for me and the wife would've turned the kids against him.



During those 3 years we've frozen embryos, bought investment property, invested $, etc - trying to set up for our future.



Well, the three years are up, the kids are grown up, he tried, and he couldn't do it. We even went to a counselor, and counselor said most of the time the kids will hate the father for hurting the mother, and will lose all respect for him for cheating, or finding someone new quickly. Even if we try to cover our tracks, we left enough crumbs that it will be apparent to everyone he might’ve been cheating during his marriage. Or they’d have major suspicions.



So he couldn't stand losing the respect and the love of his grown kids, and may be never seeing his grandkids later down the road because the kids would disown him. So after 10 years together, we've broken up. We tried to come up with ways to cover our tracks, so nobody would suspect anything once we had a future together, but it'd still come out. Every counselor we spoke to said that. But what's worse is the wife turning the kids against him if he left. We cried like babies for two weeks straight after that, but we also know that he would be destroyed, for the rest of his life, if all of those predictions came true. And bases on statistics, 99% of the times they do. The counselors said the only affairs that beat the odds are where the man is cold and callous, and can walk away without giving a second glance to the destroyed lives he leaves behind. That’s why of those affairs that do beat the odds, 80% end up falling apart, anyway. The outside pain and pressures just kill the relationship.



The bottom line is that a father will give up anything to keep his kids, and the love of his kids. Even The Love of his Life! He'd rather live in misery, knowing his kids are happy, than the other way around.



But believe me, none of the guys that cheat really have a bad marriage. They have fulfilling family lives with, or without you.



Here are some cases of what happens once the husband leaves, which is why the never do. And also, information about what’s really going on in their live and marriages, no matter how miserable you think they are:



EP Link



http://www.helium.com/items/1251688-the-other-woman



http://www.helium.com/items/883712-being-the-other-woman



http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-cope-with-being-the-other-woman/



http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/10-things-you-can-learn-about-cheating-from-the-tiger-woods-saga/



----------------------------------------------------------------



And here are some good quotes:



The Cheater cheats everyone around him, while the Other Woman tends to focus on him deceiving others to be with her. She doesn’t spend enough time considering that he has to deceive her, too, in order to deal with his other life.



When you carry negative beliefs about love, relationships, and yourself, you inadvertently end up choosing partners and relationships that reflect these things, not challenge them.



When you have little or no boundaries in relationships, you open yourself up to, at best, being taken advantage of and at worst being abused. It’s like wearing a sign saying ‘Kick me, disrespect me, do as you please. I’ll still be here’. We all need limits, otherwise we have no opt-out point.



Having little or no foundations as a basis for a relationship means that you love and trust blindly, and choose to stay in a relationship for illusionary reasons. You love, and choose to love and stay, before you actually have evidence that suggests that you should.



When contradicting words with having inconsistent actions, it shows that neither has any real meaning. When we listen to words and ignore real actions, we dine off illusions.



Betting on “potential” means that you ignore someone’s consistent behavior, and decide you know better, rather than adjust your ‘vision’ and ‘expectations’ to something more realistic, just because it doesn’t suit your agenda.



Over-thinking and over-discussing, to the point of not actually doing anything, means that you render yourself immobile, by stalling to make a decision and delaying taking action.



Loving people unconditionally even when they have little or no love, care, trust, and respect for you means that you love without any care for yourself in the hope it’ll be reciprocated.



Projecting our vision of things, and sticking with it even when we have real evidence contradicting our views, means that we have ‘fake’ relationships.



Expecting things & qualities from people that we either aren’t, don’t have ourselves, or should be providing for ourselves, means we create unrealistic expectations, and are therefore setting ourselves up to fail at relationships.



Accepting lies, ridiculous statements, and outrageous behavior means you invite illusions into your life, live in denial, and don’t value honesty.



If we choose partners that respect our boundaries and act with love, care, trust, and respect as part of their general character, these people are far more likely to yield a decent relationship because it’s not a stretch to behave decently – it’s part of their core behavior because, they act with integrity and strong values in all areas.



Getting out of the comfort zone is painful, and for most people there first has to be a very painful experience, followed by a huge crisis, before they say: “I can’t go on like this”, “I can’t live like this any more”, etc.



That which you don’t hate, you learn to tolerate.



The No Contact Rule will stop you from ruling out all your options by fighting the compulsion to make him, the relationship, and your pain, the only option.



Chasing someone who doesn’t love you back, or doesn’t want you in the way that you want them, or even recognize your value, is exhausting. Get your energy, your sanity, your self-esteem, and your power back - so that you can live.

---------------------

By engaging in this “getting a guy to make you the exception” behavior, and making them the exception by creating different rules or removing limits, you end up living inconsistently with your own value system, as well as create inner turmoil that fuels your unhappiness.



Many people operate off the ‘they have their good points’ concept, and even if it’s 10%, they ignore the other very worrying 90%…



Let’s be real – it’s pretty ‘exceptional’ for someone to radicalize themselves, and take such a massive leap in character.

I’m not saying it doesn’t happen. However, maybe it’s time to worry about why you need someone so lacking in basic character and relationship decency.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wish i had found this a year ago, my husband was prepared to forgive me after he found out about my affair and he agreed to give me sometime but my mm couldnt do the same. We agreed a month apart but within a day he was in contact and although i said nothing will change ie his kids will always be his kids he said it would we there were older. He says he will leave next year, they will then be 16 and 14 but you are so right they wont forgive him. His wife knows about us and i have met her, not a pleasant experience and i know she is playing the waiting game and the thing is she is right. Im so sad right now and i trying to distance myself from my mm. My husband has told me that he has met someone else and is moving to a different country at the end of August, I never really give it a chance and now its too late. And part of me blames my mm for not letting me try. He is looking forward to not having to pay for hotels and spending time at my house but I dont see it that way, all I see are wasted years as a mistress.

From what I have seen with other people you are absolutely right. "But believe me, none of the guys that cheat really have a bad marriage. They have fulfilling family lives with, or without you." This is often true. Whether they love the mistress or not, they often still love the wife, and many times they love the wife more which is why they don't end up leaving her and instead end the affair. Particularly if they get caught by the wife.

true, but i dont believe they love the wife nor the mistress. They love the situaion because, it's all about sex and if they can get with they want and dont have to worry about consequences then its all good to them. Married men are selfish and only- i mean only care about themselves. If you are not operating in love, then you are operating in seflishness. Love does not make you do such things to people you say you love. regaurdless who het married men stayes with. Big deal who he stays with. No one id getting treated fairly but the married man. Although the mistress is part to blame, becuase she condones what is happening to her. But thats what a mistress asks for when you say yes to sex. Cause that is the only thing a married man is asking for, is can they par take in a sexual relationship with someone else other than they're wife. The mistress and the husband is wrong on all levels, and a mistress cannot act as if she is done wrongly, because she agrees to this foolishness. No one can do anything to you unless you allow them to. So a mistress only helps someone takes advantage of her. A married man is a cheater, and that is how they live their life as a cheater. and who is to say that the mistress is the only woman that he is involved with. Most of the time the married man has someone else.

"true, but i dont believe they love the wife nor the mistress. They love the situaion because, it's all about sex and if they can get with they want and dont have to worry about consequences then its all good to them." that may be true but I think it is often obvious they love the wife more. They are married to her and have a home and life with her. All they usually have with the mistress is a few hours here or there and sex.

1 More Response

Good for you F. Proud you made it after all. Your will power arise that very moment and got you forward to the arms of this new guy. If I ever get thru mine.... I am sure I will be as happy as you are now. =)