I Am The Other Man, And I Hate It!

With a story title like that I completely expect the first comment on here to be "then don't be!" Well, it ain't that simple!

I am going to try my hardest to stay on topic, as there is a lot of what I consider to be relevant background which for the sake of simplicity I feel I need to omit.

It has been 32 years since the lady in question has cast her spell upon me. I remember the day we first met like it was yesterday, and in particular the connection that was made the instant we looked into each other's eyes!

For the sake of simplicity I will call her just "C." She was 17, I was 21. I was in another relationship at that time, and refused to commit to C. She was besotted with me, which I neglected. I just got on with my life, paying very little attention to her. I even introduced her to my best friend, who quickly embarked upon an intense relationship with her. She quickly fell pregnant, and they soon married.

By now my previous relationship had ended, due to my working overseas, and I was back in England, once again enjoying the company of my friend, and his wife C. I quickly realised that C had her hooks in me still. My friend then revealed that there were serious problems in the marriage, and instigated several situations that pushed C and I alone together.

The obvious thing happened - we embarked upon an affair. I'm not trying to blame her husband (my ex-best friend) for what happened. After all, I knew right from wrong. Unfortunately I was still arrogant, selfish, and career orientated, and after some months became frustrated with the control and ownership that she thought she could have over me. After all, this was just an affair! We squabbled, and I told her to go back to her husband and make her marriage work. Which I arrogantly thought would see her come running back to me, because she loved me, right? WRONG!

Some weeks later - after my failure at calling her bluff had left heart-broken egg yolk all over my face - I saw her out in the arms of another man, and later learned that she had left her husband and moved in with him, taking her two year old son with her. This was like a sword through my heart! The pain was excruciating! It was at this point I realised how much this woman really meant to me.

C'est la vie!

I got on with my life, occasionally seeing her with her new man, coming out of his apartment building. Reliving that sword through the heart moment each and every time, and taking days to get over it! A year went by, when I discovered that she had left the opportunist who had scooped her up after I had told her to go back to her husband, and was now living with a different guy who I knew, and was pregnant with his child. Sword through heart time all over again!

A few years went by, and we somehow embarked upon an "affair" again. I can't recall at this time how that was instigated. If we ever speak again I'll ask her to remind me. This time I was more mature and knew full-well that I loved her. And she said that she loved me too, and that we were soul mates. Which she continued to do until very recently.

Things were wonderful, I had never known love like it! Had never felt so at one with another woman. C was without doubt my soul mate! She promised that she would leave her loveless relationship and move in with me. In the meantime I was offered an opportunity to take up business in another part of the country. We talked, and it was agreed that she would come with me after I had settled. She never did. She never talked to me about it. Just blanked me. Which hurt a lot.

Ten years on...

After three and half years in Devon, I moved back to my home town and had settled in a brand new house. Over time I had succumbed to the infamous social network phenomenon known as Facebook, and after several failed attempts to track her down she joined it also, and accepted me as a friend. I soon learned that her mother had been diagnosed with lung cancer, and was inoperable. I knew that she did not love the man she lived with, that he was not supportive, and that she had few friends. I decided to put aside my romantic aspirations and support her as best I could through her crisis.

Very quickly I discovered the old adage - that true love never dies. Here I was, hook, line and sinker all over again! In truth I had never got over her. I just lied to myself - mistaking my pain for anger and hate. On a very fitting February 14, 2009 we met again and openly admitted to one-another that the flames were as bright as ever, and that we still deeply loved each other.

Before the end of the year we were talking about marriage. Putting right what had gone wrong the three times before, over so many years. I didn't want to continue this relationship as the OTHER MAN any more. She agreed. Over the subsequent months, and now years it has been impossible for me to discuss how, and when we will make this happen, without her becoming enraged and difficult.

In the three and a half years of countless promises she still sleeps in the same bed as the man she says she despises. We, on the other hand, have spent only two nights together in the 32 years! Our routine: She meets me at around 11.00am three to four mornings per week. Then leaves me to return to her house at around 4.00pm. We never go out together in the evenings. She seldom sees me at weekends, and have never been away together.

Over the last months she has made even less effort to spend time with me, taking every opportunity not to see me, making ridiculous excuses. My instincts are to presume the obvious, which she vigorously disputes. Responding with anger. Punishing me further with days of silence and her absence. I have asked her to level with me, as to whether or not she still wants me. She argues that I must be mad to see it that way, that she still loves me and wants to live with me. I feel so confused.  unloved and unimportant to her.

I love this woman more than life itself! I am only alive when I am with her! I make no apology for sounding so pathetic. Please do not berate, or mock me. The pain and torment is killing me! I am not a pathetic man. I am seen very much as a man's man, but this woman has turned me into a complete mess. I hurt so much, and my life is in absolute tatters! I cannot move forward, I have no idea where my life is going. I am in perpetual turmoil!

I have to add that C is a woman of an extremely unusual nature. She does not like to communicate, so discussion is extremely difficult. She cannot take any kind of criticism, does not like to be told that she is wrong. She is extremely argumentative and defensive - In other words it's her way, or the highway!

Or is this all me, being too needy?
geoffersp geoffersp
51-55, M
5 Responses Sep 25, 2012

you are a jerk

It sounds like role reversal - she playing the cold masculine part and you playing the emotional feminine part. And there is nothing wrong with that. Given what you have described, which you have done very well, I would feel absolutely used.

But I understand your being uncontrollably attached to her. I have a similar situation, albeit, not as complete or long living as yours. I wonder if this is what a Meth high feels like. It is so intense and magnetic.

Thank you for your input. I think this taps into one of our most primeval of needs. It is an addiction. Extremely irrational, in doing the same thing over, and over again, and expecting (hoping for) a different outcome. It is eroding my love for her now. Along with my respect and belief in her. Her grip is most certainly slipping. And she knows it!

I'm sorry ladies, crashing in on your "I'm The Other Woman" topic, but I don't really know where else to post this.

There have been developments in my relationship status. It appears that I am only half single again.

I'm trying to formulate what I want to say, how I want to say it, and where on EP I should.

I'm sorry to inform you that they most certainly are not. I have barely spent 30 minutes with her since I wrote this piece. And it certainly wasn't "quality" time together. I was hoping that we'd spend some time together before I fly to the US on Thursday. Unfortunately she has again made every excuse not to see me before I go. Including tomorrow. She promised to see me today, but I have not seen hide nor hair of her, or heard anything to the contrary.

When I come home from the US, I'm going to have MUG tattooed on my forehead.

Omg! I feel like I just watched the romance movie of the week! What a sweet, sad story! I stayed in a loveless marriage way too long. I won't go into all the reasons why, but I can tell you that every single
second of every single day I prayed to be loved the way you love her!! I would like to shake her, lol! I truly hope and pray she sees the light in this lifetime! God bless you! May I add you as a friend?

Thank you. I'd be honoured if you would add me as a friend.

News update: This morning it hit the fan! Last night I gave in to the urge to end the the silence and uncertainty, and sent her a text simply saying "why have you switched me off?"

The reply this morning was the cliché "I don't really know what to say." Followed by a torrent of angry defence statements which made sense to her. Not me!

So it's official - I'm single again! Although in reality I guess I always was whilst I was "with" her. I'm sure you may relate to this. Both relief, and anguish reside simultaneously within in me at the moment. I just know these feelings will get worse as I ruminate, and my metamorphosis between different states see-saws me between the numerous plains of Hell.

I think I had better change my blurred profile pic. It is HER and I. SHE was Carol, by the way.

Wish me luck. I'll keep you posted.

I feel for your pain and confusion. It sounds like you have given this woman every chance to be with you and she strings you along. You love her that is plain to see. It has taken me a while to learn this for myself so I want to share it with you... You need to love yourself as much as you love her. Do what is best for you and that may just be letting her go. I know that it's a hard choice but you need to do it for yourself. I have been "The other woman" and it led to a 3 year relationship.(He divorced his wife and we were together) We went thru a lot of pain and hurt. But we had some really great times too. Now he has chosen to leave and it has been killing me for months. I have decided to heal, to try to move on and live my life for me. I suggest you also try to move on. I wish you luck it's a very hard thing to do.

Thank you for your kind words. I forgot to mention (and it was my reason for writing here), that I am in one of those uncertain, being ignored phases again, as I dared to complain yesterday (politely) that I have spent just two brief afternoons with her in eleven days. Switched off, feeling unimportant, and not knowing whether I am single, or will ever see/hold her again.

Wanna' know what Hell is like? Step into my heart for a minute!

I hope that you have thought about what I have said here becouse it comes from the heart. I know What hell is like... Losing someone you love so deeply is the worst feeling in the world! I know I will never love as deeply again... but maybe I can be loved back truely. Without the selfish, thoughtless, hurtful things I had to deal with before. I hope you can find that for yourself, but first you have to be open to it to come into your life. I know I don't want to spend my years to come alone and I don't think you do either. My EP friend, you need to heal. I wish you love and luck.