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A Letter To The Other Woman

His wife, his mistress...a role we both seem to share.
If I am happy and in his arms, there are tears in your eyes.
If you are happy and in his arms, then there are tears in my eyes.
Both caught in a web, both being toyed with.
You being told that he is going to leave me,
Me being told that he is done with you and wants to be with me.
Both of us being told that his heart is with us,
That we are his one and only.
What to do?
Both of us thinking of the children.
Both of us thinking of the pain.
Some days I want a divorce, to be free.
Some days you want a divorce, for him to be free.
Both of us wondering who that will make us.
Most days we can't imagine our life without him.
Both of us want more,
More time, more commitment, more love.
Both of us want less,
Less deception, less lies, less of his broken promises.
The world tells me to hate you, that you have no class
The world tells you that he got bored and that I did something to cause him to cheat
The truth is we both fell in love.
4purrfectdarkness 4purrfectdarkness 26-30, F 150 Responses Oct 26, 2012

Your Response


Truth is, you know he's married. Who is the classless one?

Again, the original post was written by a betrayed wife.

I know. Typed it in the wrong box.

Was talking a lady friend down.

If your man doesn't treat you right, find someone who will. This is coming from a MAN, not a silly BOY thinking with his ****, like your so called "husband". He is not your husband anymore, he betray you. It is now you RIGHT to find someone else the right way. Sure, you love him but hey, he pretty much slapped you in the face and said you're not good enough. Why would any woman ever settle with anyone like that? If you were to divorce, it's over his head. The children will blame him and quite frankly, they have every single right to do so along with you.

Stay strong beautiful.

This is so me😔

This is beautiful in so many ways. Both women have pain and heartbreak. But, one woman knew that the other had committed to him, and the other had no idea that she was competing. So, even though they are both women who fell in love with the same man, they are not equally innocent in their actions. One woman knew she was choosing to willfully hurt the other. That's when the similarities end.

You do realize this was written by a wife right?

Yes. I have lots of empathy for the OW in my marriage as well. Who wouldn't love my husband? But, the similarities end there.

My point was that if the wife wrote this, then she did apparently know she was "competing," also you are assuming all OW know the man was married. Or that everyone has the full story.

Some OW dont' know, but on this site, most did know before the relationship began. Of course we don't have the full story, and would never assume that. But, I feel like I have given a little too much empathy and worried more about my friend's (the OW) feelings for many many years. I feel like some of us wives give too much empathy, including the one who posted this. We are not just two women who fell in love with the same wonderful man. One of us fell in love with someone who was single and not committed and who was honest, the other one fell in love with someone who was not single and was committed and became a chronic liar from that point forward. Not the same, that's all.

I would say you are in a very, very ,very small minority in feeling any empathy what so ever for "the OW." Most wives feel rage at the OW and feel like their husband was led astray or seduced by the ***** of Babylon.

It has been and continues to be a rough road trying to find forgiveness in my heart for myself, my husband and my (former) "best friend," the OW. It is easy to blame everything in life on other people. I accept my failings and I am continuing to work with my husband on how we went wrong. But, through counseling, I am seeing that I blamed myself for everything for too long. The ultimate double betrayal crippled me, but no one can do the healing for me. That is up to me. The only way to heal is to forgive and not hate. Should I be angry? I now think I should. I didn't deserve to be deceived and conspired against by the two people who professed to love me the most. I did not stand up for myself, and that was part of the problem. Were we just two women who happened to fall in love with the same man? No. She was jealous of my family, my marriage, and everything she mistakenly thought I "had" that she thought she didn't. I thought that being kind to someone who wants to break your happiness was the only thing to do. I thought that caring about someone who has issues would help her. I thought that ignoring her advances towards my husband would be what a "good" person would do. I was wrong about a lot of things. But I did not fall in love with her husband, sleep with him, and make plans to have her children be part of my family. I did not lie to her and taunt her with statements about her husband. i did not stab her in the back and in the heart. We did not "happen" to fall in love with the same man. But, I cannot hate her. I cannot wish her ill will. And, I cannot have her in my life if I want to be healthy.

I am sorry you went through and are going through such a traumatic series of events. Double betrayal sucks, however your comments aren't really help here. I can recommend a site for you to view if you would like, a place for people who are going through infidelity related problems.

I sincerely feel for you humbledbylife and appreciate the courage and intent in writing out your pain and truth for this forum, for people who have experienced affairs first hand, to see and know how it feels like to be on the receiving end of a cheating spouse. Of course you are in your right to off load here emotionally, who else would be interested in your plight, but us? YOU have done no wrong but your husband did though... he pursued another married woman, who had never lied, cheated or known anything about affairs... He was a seasoned player. Your husband saw the affair as his private guilty pleasure, don't ask don't tell kinda thing...and did not want to give it up until such time as when you confronted him and asked him to choose. Even then he carried on sneaking around and lying to you. While I can appreciate your overwhelming sense of righteousness, the other woman was subjected to a similar treatment... he complained bitterly about you in order to persuade her that his life with you was a living hell... No one in this forum believes that affairs are the right course of action. People fall in love, and have trouble leaving their spouses and kids for the sake of their selfish love and passion towards their AP. So we choose to have a "discreet" relationship, hoping matters will solve themselves somehow, as it's too complicated to leave yet we're so attached to the AP.
We can bring up all the moral codes in the world, and wave our fists in anger but it is what it is... no one can ignore love and passion when they're lonely or needy and don't fool yourself... your husband presented himself as lonely and needy as well.
Both sides grapple with the tough aftermath of an affair. I do not know my XMM's wife. Had she been my best friend I would have never considered betraying her. Hell, even unknown to me, I felt terrible about sneaking up on her. My XMM felt bad about my H as well...
Passion is a fire that has to consume before it dies down. Logic can then re awaken, and straying spouses can go back home.
There is nothing for you to understand about the other woman's motives. There are no special conniving traits you need to recognize or guard yourself against. You have to take a good look at your H though, as HE is the one who has sworn allegiance to you. He is the one who is lying to both women. He is the one who shouldn't have proposed marriage to his lover, when he knows you love him so much you will accept him back gratefully and never blame him... Yes, it's much easier to blame your H's affair partner. How else could you wake up every morning and face the rest of your life with a lying husband???

Wow, that was amazingly well said. I wish I had the ability to be that eloquent.

thank you Adorably, the truth is always poignant....

You are so insightful. That is all amazingly true n well said as always. :) hugs

thanks Iso. Be strong xo

Thank u.. I'm trying :)

How can you even think you know the pain these woman's in you wasn't cheated own you wasn't lied to you now what you where getting into with a married man she had no clue.

She has chosen to forgive her husband's betrayal while putting the sole blame on her friend. While I concur that this whole picture is bleak, it would be right if she acknowledged her own - "chercher la femme" knee jerk reaction.
Both of them were her closest, yet her reaction is to cut her girlfriend out of her life, suggesting the problem here is "female envy". Her husband, on the other hand, is quickly forgiven, believed and trusted. Classic deference to male dominance. I hope she's keeping a sharp eye on all his modes of communications...
PS. So Evil, May I suggest spell check?

I have yet to meet or read anything a BW has to say that isn't blaming the OW and saying how envious she is of the wife. Yet when they describe their husband and their marriage many OW are left going...wait I would want that why? Or is that even the same man?

My I suggest if you never was cheated own then don't say anything because you haven't a clue how she feels my I suggest you worry about your own cheating ways my I suggest you try something like honest once and tell your husband way he was tried like **** for 6 years

I have been cheated on, more than once, so there is that. I am not cheating on anyone or involved with anyone who is in another relationship, nor am I married anymore (technically was only common law married in the first place) I ended it because he was verbally and emotionally abusive.

You might not agree but I have been on all sides of the cheating fiasco and I think it makes me more qualified than most to talk about it.

It wasn't meant for u

16 More Responses

Wow, your insight is amazing

It is uplifting to see a woman that understands the other woman as just that- another woman. So many see the extramarital as a monster without realizing that this is a person sharing the same feelings for the same man, the same pain, the same love, the same confusion. I know this took courage and a lot of swallowed pride, and, as one of many I feel for you and I thank you.

The OW and the W do not share the "same" pain. The W is betrayed to the pit of her existence by the person who professed to love her most. Whether you want to blame her for her own failings or not, or to say she "deserved" to be betrayed, she did not choose to be involved with a person who was in a committed relationship. The W did not choose to live a life of deception and conspiracy. I have learned a lot about the pain that the OW experiences by reading some heartfelt posts on this forum. I can understand that both women have love and pain. But they are NOT the same feelings and they should not be equated. Yes, I have to swallow my pride every day to forgive myself and forgive my husband. . . . and to do my best to forgive my "friend" who became the OW. But, no, we do not share the same pain. We are not just two women who happened to fall in love with the same man.

Okay love is an emotion that can't be controlled, actions can and you can fault people for their actions but blaming people for feeling is not going to get you anywhere. Also you have no idea the circumstances of anyone's marriage but your own. I know a few people whose marriage did start with infidelity. I know more than a few who both partners are having affairs. I know you are in pain, please vent that pain somewhere more productive.

Actually, this is something that needs to be said in this very place, especially in response to a W. And, I have not faulted anyone for feelings. Feelings can't be controlled, and we agree on that. Every woman posting here has a role in the affair, whether she is an OW or a W. We all come here to have discussions, and the OW have differences of opinion as well. The woman who wrote this beautiful and insightful piece gives 0% responsibility to the OW. Most OW are rightly upset that people tend to give the OW 100% responsibility. Neither of those extremes is fair. I am thankful for some very heartfelt exchanges with introspective OW on this forum. I do understand that we all come here to deal with our pain and I am sorry that reading my truth is hard for you. I do not expect empathy here, but my contributions might offer a point of view that has not been expressed. Here, I am responding to the words of another W. Thank you for your responses.

I wrote this and I am the OW. What I said in the post was that I don't know if what he says about his wife is true or not, but regardless, if he plans to leave, she "deserves a better goodbye" than infidelity. And I truly believe that.

You misunderstand my intent here, it's not to lash out at you for feeling pain. I am not a sociopath, I am capable of empathy and I do feel it for you. I have dealt with infidelity from all sides and it sucks from every side. I really do feel remorse for what I did and I am also sorry that your friend and husband did something that hurt you. I am merely pointing out that this might not be the safest place for you to expose your pain.

Thanks. There is no safe place to exist, let alone talk about this. Getting through each day is a struggle. The panic attacks rise out of nowhere, and I do not feel safe in my own home or in my own bed. I cannot talk to my sisters, and have always been extremely close to them, or they may think badly of my husband. I cannot talk to any of my friends, because most of them know her, and I don't want them to think badly of her. I cannot talk to another therapist (except trauma therapy) about these specific issues because they all tell me I have to have some self respect and ask myself how I can stay in my marriage. They want me to hold him accountable, but if he admits what happened it will kill him. I end up supporting and comforting him, because he is recovering too. How can you respect yourself when your "self" ceased to exist? I am no longer a person.

So, this is the only place we all have to talk about what we can't talk about to anyone. We all have pain. I hope some of my words may help someone who is reading, even if they have no comment. I hope those who do not want to think about my point of view can ignore it. A good number of OW have messaged me and we have had very insightful exchanges. I very much appreciate their words, and I think I have learned a good deal from them. Some of them have thanked me for giving them some perspective they might not have had. Again, I appreciate that I may not be wanted here, and I hope that you were not offended by what I have said.

The pain may not equate. Maybe the wife's greater, or maybe the other woman's, since she knows there is mutual love but that is judged and witheld by circumstance. Isn't it liberating to free a person who was once yours but now isn't?

Isch, the pain should not be measured or compared. But one thing is for sure: The OW chooses a situation knowing it will end in pain for a woman (the W) who has no choice in the matter. So, the OW has more responsibility for her own pain. She chooses her pain and she chooses the W's pain. The W chooses neither.

You mention circumstance. Circumstance makes affair partners feel heightened emotion as much as it makes them withhold emotion. I have posted the research on brain chemistry and the chemicals that APs get from the risk, the yearning, the secrecy and the infrequency of the sweet reward of finally getting secret "alone time." It is an addiction in every sense of the word, like gambling or drug addiction. At least the brain and body think it is, whether the partners are conscious of the chemical dynamics or not. Many APs who interpret this rush and craving for one another to mean they are soul mates and think that in the "real world" they would have been the ideal couple find that they don't make it in the real world when they choose each other. The "universe of two" that they inhabit secretly is disconnected from daily living, from the full circle of friends and family, and from daily household habits.

Since I have been with my husband for 27 years, essentially your entire life, I am sure you cannot comprehend the depth of love, history, devotion and understanding that grows over time with a person that you commit your life to. I completely understand the period of grief, loss of self, and depression that my H experienced due to death and family circumstances in the "dark period" of our marriage. I also completely understand the motivations of my best friend, the OW in our marriage.

I have forgiven my husband. I am trying to forgive myself for my shortcomings. I am trying to forgive her. And, yes, I let my husband know every day that he is free to go with my blessing and with my forgiveness. He chooses to stay. We have repaired our marriage, gained even better understanding, renewed the head over heals love we always have had, and rekindled intense passion in our marriage. A real love story is one of two people fully embracing each others' real faults in REAL time, not in a hidden fantasy of two. It is a huge risk in many ways for me to allow myself to be vulnerable in my marriage again. But he can see that I think he is worth my full trust and devotion, and that is liberating to him.

There is always a choice in every situation, it might not be a convenient or comfortable choice but there is a choice. Also nothing is ever as black and white as your comments make it out to be. Dig beneath the surface and there is more to be seen.

Why blame the lack of choice to the other woman/other man? Who is married to the wife? Who promised commitment? If there is problem in the marriage, it is certainly because of only the wife, the husband, or both. The wife didn't have the choice because the husband didn't give her that choice, and because even in marriage, you cannot own someone. A person is to himself alone. The wife or even the OW has to face what the man decides on. I don't have to age a couple years to understand grief, love, and devotion. I am a faithful woman who is loving a bounded man. We are aware of the reality, the complication, and the work that we need to get to where we want. Nothing's easy. Only time can tell our ending.

Isch, our only disagreement is about choice. Read posts from OW in the past few days and you will find heartache and indignance about MM's who are not transparent with their OW, do not give full disclosure about their situations and lie to their OW. The posts are about the "unfairness" of not being able to make decisions based on all of the information. That is the crux of the matter for those OW and for all of the W who do not know about the affair. No, a person who does not know they are being betrayed does not have an INFORMED choice about their own life and their own family. At least the OW know their man is lying on a daily basis, and they choose to stay in a situation that they KNOW compromises someone else's marriage. That is just a fact, not blame. We all have blame (rather, responsibility) in these situations. A husband and wife are equally responsible for any challenges in their marriage 50/50. An MM and OW are equally resonsible for their CHOICE to betray a marriage. He can make all the efforts he wants to be in an affair, but his OW has to say "yes" or it can't happen. The reverse is also true. A married man is responsible for his choice to betray. The W has no responsibility for the choice two other people make to violate her marriage. If her H is open with her about his feelings for someone else, then she has knowledge that will allow her to make an informed choice. That is all I am disagreeing on. And, yes, your perspective on a long term committed relationship will change when you have been together for 10, 15 or 20 years. Of course you understand your feelings of love, but you will find a different reality if and when you have your HEA. I hope for you as I do for all women here (OW, W, GF) that your relationship resolves with the least pain for everyone.

8 More Responses

It was clear that my Married Friend did not love his wife.. I wouldn't have wanted him if he did..

He told you that and you believed him?

No, its from what I saw..

My man does not love his wife either. And I would not be with him if he did...

what a fantastic letter....

That's y the little head has 2 stop controlling the big head

Well said

the real truth
look in the mirror and you will see the wife.
the wife looks in the mirror and she will see the other woman.
because you both carry the same love
and so you are both the same
and your both being used and hurt.
i wish you both the ability to say good bye
and find someone that really and truly loves
only YOU.

because she usually is...


That's beautiful!

i m d other woman..... its nt evrtm dat d other woman is wrng or she is selfish

i m d other woman..... its nt evrtm dat d other woman is wrng or she is selfish


This is fantastic. One of the best I've ever read on EP or anywhere else. Great job.


The truth is that if you want to keep your man, the you two will have to sit down and learn to share. Wife is wife and lover can easily turn to concubines, aka second wife. That way all three will be happy and secure with anymore lies and deceit. To hell with societal norms!

Hey that is great writing. Thanks for sharing!

actually, this arrangement would be the most open & honest way for ppl to have their relationships if they wanted a wife/husband married life, but not monogamy. obviously there are plenty of ppl out there who do want it both ways but have to lie & deceive ppl to get it. open & honest communication would definitely save a lot of heartache.

Thats so true and im sure you hate that you love him so much!

The generous sensitivity of your expression will remain with me a long time. Thank you for sharing.

Beautiful but so sad that he "has it all" & both women have to settle. He has all the control and is a master manipulator. Im an "other women" & have been for almost 2 years. Its heart breaking. As much as I love him still - I am starting to hate him & I still feel guilty - something he never feels. I wish you happiness

The very last sentence is the most truth to that entire letter.....well written...gave me shivers...xoxo

Despite the hurt that prompted it this is very insightful. My personal feeling is he doesn't deserve your objectiveness but your trying to make sense of it has me admiring your character immensely.

As LostOne40 said....WOW!

I totally get this ... All I can say is Wow! So well written from the heart.

When a man realizes these things, and if he is a "faithful adulterer" he may, provided he is a decent sort of chap to begin with, realize that he can't have both of you. And he will resolve to really have just one or the other.



In asia we get our brothers and relative to beat the hell out of him.Wish it is that simple in your country!!!!

This is exactly true. Perfectly written. But how do we solve this problem?