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If You Are Forcing Your Husband To Stay... Then You Kinda Get What You Get

First let me start off by saying that I do NOT condone cheating. But I honestly feel like some women kind of get what they get. I was the other woman.

The first time he tried to leave (way before he met me) his wife used his kids against him. Told his children that he abandoned them and didn't love them. Any contact he tried to make she disregarded. So after a week of hell... he moved back. At the time he felt like this was the only choice. So for the next 3 years he cheated on her but only after he tried to do the right thing first.

I came into the picture a couple years ago while they were still married. When I first met him I had heard from others how bad his marriage was. I had no intentions of getting involved but things happen and sometimes I think things happen for a reason. He separated from her and experienced the same hell as before. It has taken him over a year to even remotely repair the damage that she has caused to their children.

He and I are now engaged and you could not meet a more perfect couple. We spend time together every evening just holding and talking to each other. It was so hard in the beginning being the other woman and always wondering if it would amount to anything if you're just caught up in lies. There were times when i wanted to leave. I would have overwhelming feelings of guilt but he would reassure me that I did not break up his marriage. I finally believe that. When a man tries to leave I don't blame a person for trying to get them to stay... but when you FORCE someone to stay with you, then what are you really getting?

apple29 apple29 26-30 13 Responses Nov 30, 2012

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Well I think you should've never start talking to a married man from the beginning no matter how their marriage were. I cheated once on my husband with my ex and he were married too I felt so horrible dat I eventually told off on my self cause it were wrong do now I ask God for forgiveness

What makes you think he won't do the same thing to you?

I agree with you 100%. I know of a few men this has happened to and it's terrible. Children should never be involved in adult issues and the parent's relationship to their child is totally separate from the relationship they have with their husband or wife. The people (women or men) that use children as weapons in divorce to get what they want are selfish and vindictive human beings. I am from a divorced parents. My dad cheated on my mother and married the woman he was cheating with. My mother never kept us from seeing him and never used us as weapons or pawns. They never said anything bad about each other and my mom would encourage us to see him and they had joint custody. I know this is the best case scenario but I wish more people were like my mother. That's what being a REAL mother is, putting your children's best interests above your own. Good luck to you both and thanks for your post.

Thank you..I think I turned out well and so did my brother..people aren't perfect and neither were our parents..was my Dad wrong? Sure he was..but it didn't mean that he didn't love us..and my mom knew their marriage was over way before that!! I can't even imagine those two ever married to tell you the truth!! Everyone gets along fine at family functions too!! People need to let go of their own personal issues for their children's sake..and children can survive divorce if its done in the right way!! xxoo

Funny!! Lol

You are right, women should not force their H's to stay married when the relationship is lost. Neither should men. Nor should the kids be used against either spouse. But, when children are involved, it all chages. It just doesn't become a simple separation or divorce. Add to that finances and everything gets messed up. Sometimes we both feel stuck and just can't move forward. So, we can't go back and can't go forward. We end up finding someone else and living in a fantasy for moments in another's arms. Happiness is short and it becomes an addictive drug.

By the way I don't condone forcing someone to stay in an unhealthy relationship...that is wrong but I believe it should have been more of an incentive to leave and see above her games of using children as pawns to scare him. It's called divorce...you don't know what is going to happen, how things are going to work out but you do it any ways because it is healthier...say then cheating?...explain that one to the children? that is okay to behave in such a way...your setting them up to learn that this behavior is okay.

In response to harrie, yes i understand that this is not an IDEAL world and I know what it is like to have to suffer through a loveless marriage with children involved...that said I still believe there is not right for cheating ever! I have never cheated in all my long term commitments and have actually done the right thing and left when I felt like it or knew the relationship was broken...I was homeless, lost all my friends and was sleeping in my car at one point because my relationship was not right anymore and wanted someone else....so I believe there is no reason you have to stoop to the level of cheating. We are intelligent cognitive beings and there is no reason we can't act like one. I have lost everything at one point in order to leave an unhealthy relationship the proper way and I don't ever regret it.

The "bitterness and anger" you speak of...I don't know of since I have never been cheated on. It is unfortunate that the behaviors of people who cheat on others do affect others. It affects the people we end up dating who have the baggage from those who choose to cheat. How many people do you see turn around and become reckless in their dating because others have affected them so? I have seen several of my friends turn around and think it is okay to treat others like garbage because they have been cheated on...its quite sad really.

<p>I agree but I do not believe in cheating...it is dishonest and never solves anything....I would never want to be partly responsible for being a homewrecker....nothing justifies it in my opinion.</p>

I had my ex cheat on me with his female best friend so I strongly disagree with your story as its pretty naive and immature to blame the wife for all the problems in his relationship. Are you really that gullible to believe your fiancé is totally innocent and it was all his ex wife's fault for the demise of their relationship? When will you realise that it takes two to tango? Women like you make me really annoyed as its just so pathetic that you aid in the breakdown of a marriage, I mean don't you believe in karma or something? Do you think he'll actually change for you? Once a cheater always a cheater in my book, sorry honey, but he'll be pulling the same **** on you in the not too distant future and you've got no one else to blame but yourself as you made your bed, by hopping into a relationship with someone who didn't even let his get cold after his wife and who's to say he won't go and play the victim to someone else and you'll be the one who is made to look like the villain. Ah well, you reap what you sow, hope you rest easy knowing he's probably out plowing another woman's field while you plan your façade of a future together. You could've picked a real man, not this weak spineless player....

I did not mean to make my story sound like I was putting all the blame on her because I agree with you... every relationship takes 2 people to work on it and it takes 2 people to end it. Their problems started long before he met me and they both tried to work on it but it was too late for them. He stayed in an unhappy marriage for 6 additional years where his children witnessed angry confrontations on a weekly basis. It just became unhealthy for everyone. Instead of finally accepting their marriage was over she tried to control him by using their children. My point to anyone who is married or in a relationship is that when a relationship is done it is done... if you force someone to stay or try to manipulate them to stay then you really don't have them.

I totally agree with what you are saying. People grow apart due to no fault of their own. Sometimes the love and passion were never really there to begin with and when you find it with someone else it becomes very obvious. When you use every trick in the book to keep the other there, you will never really have their heart so you are only hurting yourself!!

Good for you. Just always communicate with each other and stay close. Good luck xo

Apple, thanks so much for your story! It is so great that the 2 of you finally have some happiness! Good for you!!!

Awwww... Glad that you are such a perfect person... It is usually the worse that casts judgment

First of all, there is NO EXCUSE ever for cheating! I usually don't rain on people's parade but people and women like you utterly disgust me about your lack of maturity on ending relationships properly. If you can't end a relationship responsibly then don't have one. He could have left and should have left and because he stayed and should have left that makes it okay then? That is F'd up. He should have been a man and left for his own happiness then no matter what she said. But instead he chose the weak way out. I am cynical about people who start their marriages together through affairs. Once a cheater...well you know. Don't be surprised if years down the road he doesn't have the heart to leave you and decides to get a girlfriend. Oh he wouldn't...? You can't force someone to stay with you anymore then you can stop a cheater from cheating on you no matter how beautiful, successful, smart etc. a cheater will cheat and I hope you like yours hon.

Wait until she makes him unhappy and he ends up doing the same to her!

So NOT true! Look at the marriage of Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward. He left his wife and kids for Joanne because he was not happy in his marriage. Then Paul and Joanne had over 50 years of a very happy marriage before he died. A famous quote came when a reporter asked Paul Newman how he was able to stay faithful all those years and he said, "Why go out for a hamburger when you have filet mignon at home?"

I have learned to ignore the haters... I have worked through the guilt of my decision and have finally come to peace with it. It is what it is and I am happy and in love with him. Don't get me wrong... our actions have caused consequences but we are so close that we can deal with them.

Apple is more of a hamburger with her poor behaviour

Very mature response.

Harrie51, I so agree. In our legal system, getting out of a marriage often results in indentured servitude. If ending the marriage and moving on were more direct (as you suggest in the perfect world scenario above), there would not be so many people on this site who are stuck in a loveless and/or sexless marriages.

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