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New To Being The Other Woman

I feel dumb for posting on here but I have never been the OW and never thought I would ever be. Now that I have been for only a little over a month, I feel like it needed to end but I didn’t want it to. I met my MM at a football game with some friends. I have never been married and I’m 27. He’s been married for 4 years and he’s 26. I had met him a few times prior but it was always just once a year at the same football game because we live in different states. For whatever reason this time over the weekend at the football game we really hung out and started getting to know one another. We had so much fun together! I can’t remember the last time I had so much fun. He got my number from my sister and we continued talking. We would text each other all day every day at work, he would call me on the way home from work, and then he would stay up late texting me at night. He even found time to talk to me on the weekends. We got so close and became really close friends. He is everything that I had ever wanted in someone. He’s smart, funny, has the same sarcastic sense of humor, and really gets me.
Over time he explained to me that he and his wife had been having issues over the past few months and that he wasn't sure anymore if the life he has would be what he wanted forever. I tried to give him advice but secretly I wanted him to just give up and move on to me. Selfish I know. Well, things got more intense when we realized that I would be coming up to visit our mutual family friends and that his wife would be out of town for the night and most of the following day. So we made plans to see one another and for me to stay the night with him. As the date approached I had feelings of major guilt and tried backing out of our whole relationship. Just to end it. But I couldn’t do it. He was now one of my closest friends and I couldn’t imagine my life without him. Plus I was falling in love with him. Crazy I know since it had only been a month but I have never felt like this about someone before especially so quickly. I even questioned myself as to if the situation was different (him not being married and living so far away) would I still feel this way and my answer was yes. He is everything I have ever dreamed of.
So finally the night came and I went over to their house. When I got there reality really hit me. I was standing in THEIR house!! What on Earth was I doing there? I sat across the room for about an hour and wrestled with whether to leave or not. I couldn’t even look at him or around because all I saw were pictures of them. Finally I decided that I would stay and had the best night of my life. It was amazing. We have an enormous amount of chemistry and everything was perfect. I could have just stayed in his arms forever. However, I had a plane to catch and he had a wife that was coming home so our perfect night had to end. We both fell totally in love with one another and saying good-bye to him was probably the hardest good-bye I have ever said.
He called me on my way to the airport and we got on the subject of his life. He told me that he never once questioned his decision to get married (he got married young, he was 22 and they have been married 4 years) and now he has realized what his life could be like with someone who was more like him and shared the same interests as him. Then he realized that eventually he was going to have to choose. I tried once again to break things off because I felt so guilty about what we had done (we both did. We both have been brought up in Christian families). He started crying and so did I. He said that this was the hardest situation he had ever been in and that he didn’t know what he was going to do because now he loved us both. This broke my heart. I for whatever reason thought it would be an easy decision for him. He had found his soul mate in me and I had found mine.
The next couple of days I could tell that he was really struggling because he also had no one to confide in. All his friends are “happily” married or so they say and would never understand. He was hurting and so I was I in a way that I had never thought possible. I finally suggested that he talk to my sister because she knew a little bit (not about my overnight stay) to where he could talk to her and get some feedback. So he talked with her and to my surprise my own sister felt worse for his wife than either him or I. Needless to say, I was furious with my sister. She knows how much I care about him and the wreck that I’ve been the last few days but yet she told him that he made a commitment to his wife and that he needed to try and work it out with her.
He and I are now not talking anymore. I’m devastated, furious, and I cry every 5 minutes. I went from having this beautiful blooming love to losing one of my closest friends and lover. I know I need to put myself in his wife’s shoes. Would I ever want my husband to cheat on me? No. Would she be absolutely devastated if she ever found out? Yes. Do I still want to be with him? Definitely. Is that going to happen ever? I don’t know. Neither does he. Does he want to leave? Yes. But coming from a strong Christian family where both sets of grandparents have been married for 60+ years and parents who have been married 30 years he’s afraid of what they’ll think. He doesn’t want to disappoint anyone. He has the kindest heart but where does that leave me? He and his wife will most likely end up living “happily” ever after but he’ll be miserable and he knows it and I will be left standing here all alone and devastated. I know I should have ended this a while back ago but I couldn’t. I guess now I’m paying the price. The sad part is that I pray that he’ll leave and my phone will ring and it’ll be him. I’m so selfish.
SouthernBelle10 SouthernBelle10 26-30 8 Responses Dec 6, 2012

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I totally feel your pain. Sometimes stepping away is best for you. Cause right now I'm having this problem myself. We deserve to be happy. So let's find a man that can be with us all the time. It hurts like hell. But be strong. Peace and good luck to you.

my respect to the brother, he is one smooth operator..
he actually got himself some adventure in his marriage (at your expense) and you are naive enough to believe he loves both you and his wife.. I would advise you to have a 1 on 1 with his wife am pretty sure he's toying with both you and his wife's feelings, at 22 he was just a boy, and at 26 he's a boy who has discovered he can use his 'mistake' to his advantage... did you ask yourself how he was able to flirt with you and text while he was with his wife, his wife has probably given up on him or hes a whole different guy when hes with his wife and he knows hes so good, its just a game he has perfected

I agree. I would never contact his wife because no matter how much I'm hurting I don't want to cause him added pain and embarrassment. I know he is conflicted because he has asked my sister several times how I'm doing and he is hurting too. I'm trying to move past this but it's so hard. I do know what I want and I want him unfortunately. But we can't always get what we want I guess.

MY STORY: I had a three year long affair with a married woman, she was my best friend before that and we always confided in each other about her marriage problems, she said she didnt love her husband anymore and that she loved me, they even separated for a few months and we stayed together during that time. It was the happiest moment i had in a long time, then she kept secretly meeting her husband and claimed they had a lot of unfinished business, then she claimed her family and integrity would be ruined if people knew we were staying together before her divorce. So she suggested going back to her marriage to finalize the divorce, My sister is our mutual friend and we hadnt told her about the affair, when I casually asked my sister how the lady was doing, my sister told me their separation was over financial issues and that they had worked things out. I was too angry to call and didnt bother picking her calls, three months later she was pregnant with his child. And she conceived the baby while she was staying with me... I find it amusing that when I meet them during their happy time with their child, her husband has no clue what happened between me her wife, it all feels like a joke on me..SouthernBelle10 obviously loves this man but first examine the facts from an objective point of view, do you have solid evidence that he feel the same way about you before you hurt for him?

I agree with the "men are like trains" advice, although before my wife cheated and divorced me after 20 years of marriage, I would have never believed I would be saying that. I suffered - strictly obeying the biblical vows for the sake of God and my children. I'm not sure I will ever forgive my ex's cruel and cowardly way she left, but the point was we did not have true love and both of us were unhappy. You did do something wrong by becoming physically intimate while he is still married, but recognizing you love someone on a spiritual level is not wrong. I found that person when I was married and broke it off before getting physical. Now, we are in love and have the respect of everyone around us because we did it the right way. Wait until he is divorced. It will happen, but if it does not, it was not meant to be. In the meantime, keep looking at the train schedule. There will be another one to take you were you want to go :)

How did you know she was the one. I am worried that when my husband fell in love with this other woman that she is "the one" for him. They have similar backgrounds and personalities. Yes, my husband and I have history but he was so happy when he was in love with her. Now he walks around miserable... married to me.

I am the woman that has to look at my husband every day and wonder why? Why did she do this to us? Why did she ruin our family? If you loved her sincerely then why not be a man and tell me you want a divorce rather than betraying me. You are hurting not only her but their kids too. Don't do this. Don't be the other woman. He does not respect you.

I understand that I'm hurting her but there are no kids involved thank goodness.

A commitment doesn't help if there are problems between them. He should have tried sorting them out - and he should have ended it with either her or you depending on the result before getting too private with you.
Neither his wife or you are at fault. Its him.

I agree with Harrie 51. The emotional highs and lows of being involved with a married man are more painful than letting him go. I understand what you are going through as I have been in your shoes, but it will not go in a positive direction.. There is too much pain at stake for everyone involved and beginning a relationship this way is starting with a big lie. Seek out advice in the bible and it will guide you to make the best choice for all.

Thank you.

I guess the big question is do he and his wife have a child or children together? And, you also have to remember an affair is a lot like going to Disney World - a lot of fantasy and fun, but you cannot stay there forever. As a former counselor, I will be the first to say some married couples should have not gotten married. Many marry for lust and physical attraction, and that usually doesn't hold up in the long run. However, if there is a child or children involved, you are going to live with the custody drama for at least the next 14 years if you end up with him. In most states, that translates for 30% of his take home pay will be taken for child support until that child reaches the age of 18. If he has two children, usually 8 - 10% more will be deducted from his take home pay. If you are the cause of the breakup of his marriage (even though he was an equal participate), you will also have to face the ex-wife who blames you for everything. Statistics show right at 50% of all first time marriages will end in divorce, but with second marriages, this statistic jumps to 70%. And let me be clear, I am not judging you what-so-ever, but just giving you a realistic view of what I have seen happen many, many times throughout my career.

No they don't have any childen togther. I think they've talked about it but because of how he's been feeling over the last few months and the issues she's been having they aren't ready for kids yet. I understand what you mean about it being like Disney World. I have often thought that maybe I wouldn't feel the way I do about him if the situation was different. But I don't know that for sure.

Your still so young ..... let it go ....the pain will pass & you will find happiness. Good luck!!!!