Found Myself Being The Other Woman To A Guy With A Girlfriend.

At first glance, this forum seemed to be about complications of being with a married man so I thought I would reach out with my story. Although I have read other peoples experiences and tried to take advice from them to apply to me, there is no doubt that the marriage element adds tremendous difficulty in perusing someone with perhaps more of a long-term commitment, kids are involved and indeed, just the legal side to it all.

In saying that, and indeed feeling that my situation is 100 times easier, I still can't manage to sort it out!

1 year ago, I befriended a guy online through a common interest and through this was able to meet him at various events which lead to were I am today. We became good friends and as luck would have it (or lack there of), it lead to more than just a friendship. I found myself spending time with this guy during his visits, ending up in bed with him and afterwards, staying in contact daily. This contact, was something he made a point of and whilst remaining somewhat hidden from everyone else, it has been the reason how this has all continued.

Already, you might be thinking, get to the point and here goes. In short, he lives an hour away by plane, has frequent visits to my country and I have the flexibility of visiting him also, he has a girlfriend of 2 years and also lives with said girlfriend.

Initially, I did not know about his girlfriend which is my excuse for getting into this mess into the first place. Every moment I have spent with him, despite being completely wonderful, is always overshadowed by those factors and I'm always left wondering, what to do.

He has asked about when I am moving to his country and when am I going to visit etc, but there is a language factor and as flexible as my job is, it would take at least a year for me to learn the language and so on... I have already made efforts in this for my own self and with view to opening up this as a career path anyway.

Sorry, I'm beginning to waffle! I guess this is what happens when you're involved in something that only you know of and the support network just isn't there.

So forum, tell me, help me, and maybe knock sense into me!

What would you do if you were involved with a guy who lives with his girlfriend, a one hour plane ride away, he wants you to move there and undoubtedly things would be entirely different if that was the case, but for now, you have the opportunity to see him every so often, you keep in daily contact and really, just left wondering what is the point.

I'm completely lost. Common sense is telling me to stop before it gets worse and then, from looking at other scenarios, it's also telling me that if only he just decided to leave her then everything would be solved. He has said that living with her has made it all difficult and then also, even if he was single, the problems of managing a long distance relationship for some time also arise.

As in all cases of being the 'OW' as bluntly as that looks, you don't have control over any of it and really all I have is the hope that he makes up his mind eventually. I know it's not good for me to continue to feel like this and settle with being second-best. Even with mutual feelings involved he's effectively having his cake and eating it too. I am unaware of problems in his relationship with his girlfriend but more likely than not, there must be. I don't know if he feels trapped in a situation were he would have to ask her to leave his apartment and then try and make things work with me.

I have read that giving an ultimatum does not work and generally back-fires on your own feelings, therefore, I don't know if I should just try a period of no contact? Make more of a point of getting on with my own life and that I'm here when he becomes single but just not until then.

Like I said before, please, any advice is really helpful here. Thank you.

serendipity06 serendipity06
22-25, F
1 Response Dec 6, 2012

You are right, you don't have the complications of a legal marriage or your man having kids with someone, but still it is never easy to love someone who isn't fully available. Am I understanding right that you don't know if he would break up with her if you moved there? What has he said would happen if you moved?

He has said many times how he would love to be with me and date me properly if I moved. The reality is, I can't move for at least a year but I would commit to seeing him regularly over that time.

I try not to question him too much about that because I'd much rather the decision was his rather than making him choose. In saying that, I won't wait forever.

Thanks for your comment. :)