My Turn...

I was 16; he was 17. It was October 1989. I still recall what adorned my body the night we met. And I still recall what he was wearing.

We dated off and on for many years. We had so many amazing times back then. Oh, how wonderful it was to be young and carefree. Naturally, not only did I learn a great deal about him, I also learned a great deal about his family, too. His father, from what I gathered, carried on affairs outside of the marriage to his mother. And I still recall him saying all that way back then, "I'll never cheat on my wife."

After he left the area to persure his education, we remained close. We continued to date somewhat and see other another, no matter if he or I became involved with other people. We always had this amazing physical and intellectual connection. The sex with him has always been amazing. Despite my own engagement to another man, I still continued to be intimate with him. After my marriage; however, I honored my vows of marriage. Eventually, he got married himself. With our own lives, we remained on cordial terms, only talking occassionally and out of necessity. At this point in our lives, with each having our own marriages and own families, it was completely platonic.

In October of 2010 - which was about a year after finding myself now divorced - , a family member asked me to reach out to him regarding his area of expertise. We lost close personal contact for 8 years and had not been intimate in atleast 9 years. I did not hesitate to contact him, as he and I had known each other since 1989, well over 20 years.

Upon consulting with him, I received a phone call from him later in that evening inviting me out for a drink. Naturally, I was under the impression that it was to discuss that matter at hand for my family member. I did not hesitate to meet up with him, as I trusted his judgment, insight, and opinion. Initially, the conversation was business related; however, it all quickly changed overtones. At this point, I was emotionally or physically unavailable due to the pain I was still in from my divorce. I advised him of this and I left the location. I was shocked and it just made the pain of the divorce that much more intense.

For whatever reason, he began to start pursuing me hot and heavy after I told him I was not interested. At this juncture in his life, he is a very successful and poweful man. He seems to be happily married and could certainly have anyone woman outside of his marriage due to his status, wealth, good looks, ect.. However, for whatever reason, he continues to pursue me. I am assuming he pursues my because of our history together in the past, the amazing sexual connection we shared, and he knows that I am discreet, as I don't kiss and tell.

The nights of despair and agony from the divorce still plaqued me at this point. However, I was missing intimacy. I was missing the touch of a man. And he was an eager and easy avenue for me to once again explore. Our relationship started again in the winter of 2010. Initially, i thought that he annoyed the hell out of me and that it was just purely sexual. Sometimes I'd reject his calls; sometimes I'd make plans with him and then break those plans; sometimes, he'd even have to cancel at the last minute. It was me more often then him that would cancel. He seemed eager and it was me that just really didn't seem to have enough time or care for him.

He's very possessive and very jealous. Giving me directives not to date other men and not to talk to other men while I'm on the phone or with him. He is extremely posessive and territorial. Any time I refer a male friend to him as a client, he always talks to them about women and being territorial. I know that he is referring to our relationship and telling them in a not so direct way to stay the hell away from me.

In May of 2012, I told him that I met someone (because I had) that I was going to start dating. I was just tired of his schedule being a guessing game and I didn't want to waste any more time on him. He was jealous, of course. And then he started telling me about all of those dates from our teenage years. All of those nights so long ago that I thought he'd never remembered or even remotely cared about. Of course, I was crying. I was crying because I realized how much I did care for him and i guess that I realized he actually did care about me.

Sometimes, he'd call me to see how things were going with the new guy and to make sure that he was treating me ok. The new guy was 15 years younger then him and quite a bit younger then me, so things were good, for the most part with the new guy. However, it was the relationship with the new guy that made me realize the feelings I actually had for him. So, in July, I broke it off with the new guy. He and I resumed operations in August.

I broke if off again with him briefly in October. Why? I had grown tired of his demanding schedule and his inabillity to give me the attention I felt like I deserved. We would make a date and he'd call and cancel. Other men were finding me attractive and seemed to want to make time for me, but his schedule, combined of course with him being married, made little if any time for me. When I broke it off this time the ramifications were much worse then just a few tears: I ended up suffering from fatigue that caused my face to swell, my joints to ache and the inability to walk straight for two days. We talked about our relationship woos and the unhappiness I had been feeling. I love the attention I receive from him, but I hate that I can't have it when I want to have it. Like it was 1989. We again resumed operations at the end of October.

Here we are in December. I'm deeply in love with him. I've know this man like clockwork for 23 years. We are so alike in so many ways: the temper, the stubborness, the knowledge that we possess on various subjects, how we keep it real for one another. I want to spend more time with him; however, I know that this simply isn't possible. I do enjoy the days and the nights that we are together, but I suppose because I really do love him, I am now wanting more and more.

I don't believe, at this point, I'm strong enough to leave him. I love him with all of my heart. I have helped him accomplish so many things in his life and vice versa. I really would do anything for him. I know that I can count on him if there is anything that ever goes really wrong. We trust each others judgement and advice. We still have a amazing connection.

I love him. Will I leave him? Probably not.

I think that Sonnet 57 by Shakesphere sums my feelings up the best:

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?
I have no precious time at all to spend,
Nor services to do, till you require.
Nor dare I chide the world without end hour
Whilst I, my sovereign, watch the clock for you,
Nor think the bitterness of absence sour
When you have bid your servant once adieu.
Nor dare I question with my jealous thought
Where you may be, or your affairs suppose,
But, like a sad slave, stay and think of nought
Save, where you are, how happy you make those.
  So true a fool is love that in your will,
  Though you do anything, he thinks no ill.
hismine1989 hismine1989
1 Response Dec 9, 2012

If you want this man all to yourself, you need to draw your boundaries now. Other wise you will be the OW for a very long time.