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Can I Be a "Fluff" Friend?

After a six month thing, I met her as his friend from work.  She loves me and I quote, "You are one of the most trustworthy people I have encountered in a long time." (Sorry. But I love irony.)  Anyway, she has no clue.  Can I still talk with her on the fluff subjects and maintain a friendship?

trustworthy4416 trustworthy4416 22-25, F 5 Responses Jul 31, 2008

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Yes I am glad you see the irony. But, it really is not ironic because she may not even realize why she is saying that to you. My guess is she is saying it out loud HOPING it is true, although her intuition is telling her it isn't. She want you to know that she has called you out on it. That is, she has named you as trustworthy so you will live up to it. Please, if you find the "irony," you should not see this as humorous. It is not funny in the least when a person sees you feigning trustworthiness, and knows intuitively that you should not be trusted. Should you maintain a false friendship? The friendship you should not maintain is one with him or anyone in his family, because your intent if for his family to crumble. You asked for advice, and this will not be the most welcome advice, but it is the truth. "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." On some level, maybe not a fully conscious one, she has realized you are the latter, and that is why she needs to keep you close. Please think about what you are doing.

she'll find out eventually. just back off and focus on you.

Not only have I met the other woman, I have had her and the kids here at my house for holidays! I tried to be her friend before I allowed my relationship with her husband to become anything anymore than friendship. I tried to avoid falling head over heels for someone elses husband to no avail. She shunned every attempt the two of us made to include her in what was at the time a good friendship. She has been rude to me in my own home. She now, realizing she is in grave danger of losing her husband, suddenly wants to be my friend. I really don't want to be her friend now. I want her husband and have reason to believe that we will end up together so I feel like agreeing to be her friend now would add insult to injury when the truth comes out. Still there are moments when I feel I should try as it would gain us some additional time together. it would also more than likely expedite things as Anyone who sees us together for any length of time has recognized our feelings for each other. Good Luck, what ever you decide!

i think you should back off

Justheatherwoman, This is so sad. Please for everyone's benefit stay away from him and his family. You will never be her friend, so you are right not to pretend. She senses the danger and it is cruel for you to continue to be close to him in ANY way. Why is this not obvious? She has intuition and knows that you are dangerous to her marriage. And for you to say "i feel that I should try (that is, pretend to be her friend) as it would gain us some additional time together" is actually a hideous thing to admit. You would act friendly to her for the sole ulterior motive of hurting her in the end. Please ask yourself what kind of person this makes you. Forget about love, sex, desire. To be someone's friend simply for your own ultimate gain and knowing it will hurt them? Really? And to admit this openly?

Ugh, and while you were supposedly trying to be her friend when you were struggling with your feelings for her husband, she was well aware of the danger, and hence her defensive behavior that you interpreted as rude. "She shunned every attempt that the TWO OF US made . . ." Why would any wife want to be "included" in the "good friendship" that you told yourself was innocent? She saw it maybe before you admitted it to yourself. Your feelings and your intentions are transparent, hence your statement that "anyone who see us together for any length of time has recognized our feelings for each other." You stated that you were trying to avoid falling head over heals for him, but it was already obvious to her at that earlier stage. Do you see you are blaming her for her own, very understandable, defensive mechanism? And, you know she realizes her marriage is in grave danger and you are still associating with her whole family? This is cruel. I really don't understand the vilification of the wife, and the insensitive attitude towards her pain. It is appropriate that you chose the words "grave danger." There are few things that can be described this way. Some on this site have cackled together about my description of "fearing for her life." That's what grave danger is. No, she does not think she will die, but everything she holds dear, her view of her dearest person in the world (her husband), her life long love relationship, her view of her family, her view of her past, present and future, her sense of reality in day to day life, her faith in people and whether they can be trusted, and so much more, is threatened. When your entire view of your life, your self and the world is reeling, that is grave danger. How some OW can be so insensitive to this and mock the wife's pain, is incomprehensible to me. Since it sounds like you will end up together, the least you can do is try to minimize the pain you are causing.

It's like playing with fire i think. I'd be terrifed to meet the other woman.

I know that I would feel incredibly awkward if I got to know his wife. I like living in my own universe as the OW. You are bound to discover things that make you go "Hmmm..." if you go this route.