Still Here...waiting

Well, it's been three months since he moved out and he's still out. I am somewhat shocked that he hasn't caved into the girls' wishes and gone back. He always has before, but they are older now and more accepting of him living in another house because they still see him as much as they want. I haven't been able to see him in over a month and it's driving me a little batty, but we talk daily as always. I've had some complications with my birth control and my hormones are crazy out of whack, so I've been struggling in my own head a lot lately. He's been great throughout tho. I have been outright cruel to him over this last month, lashing out because he's not here and I want him to be. He just tells me how much he loves me and how lucky he is to have my love and that things will only get better from here. Part of me is still trying not to believe him, but he's come a long way these last several months and keeps proving me wrong at every turn. He messaged me the other day to tell me that he was going to get his place fixed up and sell it. I just asked then what, expecting him to say he was moving back there because it's so expensive to pay the bills in both places. He didn't. I've been considering a few job openings in his home state, closer to him but not in the same town. He said he wants to move back to my home state but not if I'm moving somewhere else. I had the "awwww" moment over that, but I'm still way in my own head. I'm teetering between loving him fiercely and attempting to reconcile myself to the idea of a life alone. I don't like alone. Alone is not easy for a girl who grew up with a dozen siblings and five parents and moved from my parents' house to my husband's house and never learned how to live alone. But alone is what I am most of the time, just me and my two spectacular children. If I am honest with myself, the struggle in my head is not just head vs. heart, but also being independent and in control vs. letting someone else in and trusting that I can rely on them. I've always been able to rely on him, but these last few years that we've been back together, it has always been at a distance. I know I've kind of started rambling here. Sorry, dear reader, I hope someone understands. Is this fear of commitment on my part?? I love him, always have and always will, but how do you trust someone when you've learned the hard way that the only person you can trust is yourself?
dropdeadredhead dropdeadredhead
36-40, F
1 Response Dec 10, 2012

If you never take the chance you will never know.

I've taken the chance on him. He has my heart. I'm still waiting for him to really take the chance on me at this point. Like most of us in this situation, I hear lots of pretty promises, but until recently the action was slow going at best. Some days I just feel that I've waited so long, can't he hurry up?! But then when he does make changes I get nervous too. I know if we could see each other it would set us both right, but with the holidays and our respective children's schedules, it just isn't really possible right now.

Take things as they come. Don't overwhelm yourself with things that aren't important. If it's meant to be everything will fall into place.

Well he's back at the house with her and the kids...just as I thought, paying everything for two places proved too stressful to keep up with long term. He sleeps in the girls' room, which is fine. I know he has no real relationship with her, not does he want one. However, it has been nearly three months since we've seen each other and he says all the time that he's going to find a way to come see me, but something always prevents it and it's usually by her design. I feel so lost, like I'm just drifting along. My head says end it and try to move on, but my stubborn heart won't let me. I love him and he loves me, this I know positively. What I don't know is what it will take to ever get him to take action to make his life into what he wants it to be. I also don't know if I can or should hold on, even though I know from experience that I can and will never love anyone like I love this man. I've tried living my life and having a relationship with someone else, but in the end it fails because I cannot commit my life to someone when that level of feeling I have felt with him isn't there with someone else, plus it isn't fair to anyone to be second to the one they love. I have been trying desperately the last couple of months to wrap my head around the idea of living my life out alone but it is so hard. I don't want to be alone. I don't want this lonely life. But this is the life I have. How do you get over the loneliness?

Create a support system. Keep yourself as busy as possible. Even if you don't feel like doing something, do it anyway! Don't turn down ANY social invitations. Just as your MM walked into your life unexpectedly, so can someone else! Keep a positive attitude and smile even though you don't feel like it. It will get easier. Then if he sees that he is losing you maybe he will make those changes.

I do stay busy but still feel empty. He's been in my life my entire life...he is a few years older than me. We've been connected forever, he sang to my mom's belly when she was pregnant with me. We lost a few years during childhood, I didn't even remember him, then as teenagers life brought us back together and I fell hard. Because he was older, life took us in different directions again and then I found him again four years ago. The feelings never change, only the circumstances, and I feel like at this point, he is the one creating the circumstances but I also don't feel like he is creating it on purpose if that makes any sense at all. He always tries harder when he thinks he's losing me, but then we just end up on the same merry-go-round. I do turn down dates all the time, maybe I shouldn't. Idk...I just don't feel right going on a date with someone who likes me, it feels like I would be leading them on and I don't want to hurt anyone.

I understand completely. You need to start dating. If he has no intention of leaving his situation then it's time for you to live a full, happy life with someone that wants to be with you. Maybe if he sees that he is in danger of losing you he will do something about it. As long as he can get away with having it all, he will.

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