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The Other Woman No More

I was involved with a married man for 2 1/2 years. While we had several bouts of good and bad times, I finally realized a month ago that I no longer deserved the hell he put me through.

It was a constant roller coaster of amazing highs and devastating lows. While I felt that he was sharing his love and his life with me, what I came to realize was that he was slowly sharing the poison of his life with me and it would soon leave me void of any real feelings or connections to the outside world. The pain I felt without him was worse than anything I had ever experienced and when I realized that I was living in a one sided imaginary relationship constantly begging for the scraps he threw at me while I begged at his feet, it hurt even worse.

Accepting the truth of our relationship hurt even more than I would have ever imagined. It was like swallowing a jagged double edged firey sword that hurt as it passed through every inch of my body. I was literally ill for two days with migraines and throwing up. But when it passed, I felt a new strength growing inside of me.

I still posses the anger and hurt from my experience, but the emotional roller coaster is gone. Even though I feel like a chunk of my heart is missing, I know it will grow back stronger and wiser this time.

I have resolved to take back the power and the control of my life and never allow another man to dictate to me how I feel about myself or have control over my self-esteem the way he did. He was like a drug that empowered me when we were together and crippled me when we were apart. The withdrawls come and go, but now the outcome is in my hands.

To my sweet J: I'm sorry that you don't value me the way I deserve. I'm sorry you are incapable of standing up for what you want and being honest with those around you. I'm sorry you are a coward and cannot take control of your own life, but I will no longer be your muse. I will no longer be the toy you play with when its convenient for you, and lie about to everyone. I will no longer stand by and wait for you to decide if I am good enough for you. I deserve much better than that and unfortunately, you are not man enough to be what I really need. Good bye my sweet J. I will never forget you because you have taught me such a valuable lesson in life. xoxo
craz1969 craz1969 31-35, F 9 Responses Dec 15, 2012

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whats with these "J" men ? I read this again today and I wanted to tell you how powerful your writing is. Those of us who have been there know. Thanks for articulating it so well.

Thank you!! My "J" saga continues to help me grow personally every day. As time passes it is interesting how one's perspective changes. I can honestly say that even though this experience had painful moments, i have learned so much about myself because of it and for that i will always be thankful to my sweet J!!

HATERS never prosper . . .

OMG I applaud you for being strong enough to put an end to such a toxic situation. I can only say that my MM is also named J, and I am currently struggling with my own situation. I hope in time the answer will make itself clear to me. Thanks for sharing, good luck.

I still struggle but its a necessary battle. If you ever want to talk email me. I wish you the best. Hugs!

I am in the same place with a man named "J" too. I want to respond because I may need to write the same final paragraph to our story that you wrote to yours. I have been with my sweet "J" for over 5 years. We have bank accounts, life insurance policies and he is very close to leaving....but he is a coward AND there are no children involved...no "issue of the marriage" which should make it easier...but after 30 years with someone, even if you no longer love each other, it is NOT easy or simple...and even if both wanted the end of it...there is ALWAYS pain. No one ever wants to inflict pain on another if they can avoid it.......but you can't live in suspension....eventually there MUST be a decision one way or the other.....we have set a deadline for it to happen. That is how I am dealing with it....and I have hope for the future but fully know the "odds" are against my desired outcome. My anxiety is relentless.

oh sweetie...I can feel the struggle you bear and can only imagine what you are going through. I hope my story and experience can give you strength either way your situation turns out. As you said yourself, no one ever wants pain, but you can't live in suspension. The waiting and hoping was what finally did me in. Thank you for sharing your experience with me too. It gives me strength knowing I am not alone in my experiences.

an affair born in deceit will end in ash

Thank you for that! Couldn't be more true....and also like expecting the fire along the way not to burn.

I don't know exactly from where that "quote" was drawn but it seems very judgemental and generalistic. Every relationship is unique and has it's own reason for existing. I try not to judge others...and look for the best most people (excuding myself). Thisismypage I hope you are happy in your life. There are no true victims in relationships. Affairs happen because the marriage is broken....right or wrong it is what it is. The affair I am going to have this year is with myself...so that I don't need a man to validate me....just to share my journey with me if he is willing to do so.

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On my lows I so need to start this detachment. I tried, and failed. He tried and failed. Everytime I get hurt, I try to detach myself! But then the high commes, making me feeling that little bit better! Couple days later another low, where I just am made to feel like being the cheapest person in the world, feeling nothing but guilt to putting his family at risk, putting him in that position, because I am a loyal person and would never do that! I would walk away, if I felt like that! I did walk away! For him! I need to start this differently! I need to start the detachment when I am happy!!! But straggle to know how! When I read your letter, I cried, it is the same for me.

I have so much to share that can help you through this process. Email me if you ever want to talk.

I'm sorry you are hurting. I am glad you realized what was going on and are strong enough to get past the pain enough to move on. "hugs"

It's amazing how many of us educated, beautiful and articulate women have been involved with a MM. I myself have left a MM, and it feels like the most powerful drug to stay away. The withdrawls are exhausting at times; but I stay true to me. Your story is awesome, beautiful and full of strength. I'm greatful to have EP women to share experiences with, I have found strength that I never knew existed :) XX Thanks

I like your letter to J. Same letter I should send to my MM. Tq and stay strong.

Your letter to J could be written to the MM I went NC with 45 days ago. So well put & some of things I had to tell
him during our last conversation. Stay strong, know how you feel! We have to take back control for our sanity & happiness.