Is This The Rule? Or Does It Sound Like The Exception? Or Am I Delusional?!?

I am posting on here to hopefully hear some wisdom from some others who have walked in my shoes. Please read and help me. Am i the exception? Or the rule?

I was seperated from my husband in the beginning of the year. After that, I switched jobs to one where I would travel for work for 3 weeks out of the month. Work quickly became home. While at work I met a man who became my "work husband". We would eat lunch together, share food, frequently chat through out the day, and after work a group of us would go out for drinks or dinner. I did not consider him to be anything but a very good and dear friend, because he was married. I enjoyed his company as much as possible, though, because he made me feel very safe and comfortable. He never hit on me nor me on him. One night after a couple of drinks, I guess I moved a little too far into his personal space, because one minute we were talking, and the next he had swept me up into his arms and planted the most passionate kiss on me I had ever experienced. It was amazing!! I felt like a heroine from the cover of a romance novel. Needless to say, one thing led to another and we started a week of hot and heavy passionate mindblowing sex. He left for a new job after that week.

Then we began our long distance love affair, consisting of texting through out the day, and phone calls that lasted anywhere from 1-3 hours everynight. The man quickly became my best friend. He went through some job changes, as did I, and helped each other to make some very improtant decisions. This involvement is still. Going on 4 months later, with us seeing and sleeping together once every 14 days, when we can.

He says he is a relationship that is void of intimacy, sex and affection. I believe him because I have heard his conversations with his wife, they last 5 minutes. He works away from home as well, and says that when he does come home he feels like he is only good for maintenance on the house and to give her money. He has put me first in everyway possible, by never breaking a date, by always finding a way to take my calls, and by dropping everything to help me if I am in a bind. He helps me emotionally, discussing our situation along with being patient and kind to help heal past hurts. He is everything to me, and I am everything to him.

We have recently taken our relationship back down to the friendship level, because I feel morally uncomfortablebeing involved with a married man. I realize we are still having an emotional affair, but he says he doesn't feel guilty about it because I am not filling the role of his wife, because he has never been able to connect with his wife like he has with me. I can believe that, because what we have is very special.

I've asked what his intentions are towards me, and he's said he wants to have me in his life as a partner, and he doesn't know what he'd do without me. We are In love, neither of us expected this to happen. He says he is already finished with his marriage in his mind, they act as coparents. I said that the emotional bit is great, but i care more about the legalities of it all. Its only been 4 months, but I've suggested that he consult with a lawyer next time he is at home so he has some solid facts to look at.

I guess I just have to be patient from here on out?

I didn't mean to fall in love with a good friend, but when he kissed me it was as though I realized he was meant for me.

Am I delusional?
Feelingsmiles Feelingsmiles
26-30, F
6 Responses Jan 7, 2013

Your delusional, so let him go. There are other fish in your area and you can understand what you like now.

Brutal, but probably true.

I've been looking at purchasing a property, but am not quite ready financially. I still have about a year till I have enough saved to purchase a lot and build a home. I did find a lot that seems like a great deal though. He offered to partner with me on it. He wants to make me some money. I know he trusts me, but I feel like this is something you get into with your partner/spouse. My head says no but my heart says go for it. The lot may have issues anyways, it is just the fact that he basically offered to buy it for me. I was shocked. And happy.

Take it slow. I hope you are the exception but too often they never leave and that is where we get our hearts broken.

My thoughts exactly. I told him thanks but no thanks tonight. That I didn't want to be involved with him on that level unless he was my partner. You ladies are great! Thanks so much for your wisdom.

Thank you so much for your advice and support friends. I have been struggling with this, because it seems so wrong, but feels so perfect. I know if an affair goes on for over a year and no action is taken, then things will stay the same. I think i've got a year in me, but only time will tell. He just asks me to be patient.

My MM also told me to be patient. This is so difficult to do. So many unanswered questions and the roller coaster of emotions!! I havent seen him in 3 months, though we still talk reguarly. We will have one year together at the end of April. If he hasnt left her by then. I will have my answer, based on his actions and not empty words. Please be strong and keep one foot in front of the other. We are here for you!

this sounds very much like the exception! Take things slowly from here and don't try and force his hand......if you push he may run!! I wish you luck and happiness in your life with your exceptional man...

You are doing the right thing. Making him back up his words with action & you will find out if your situation is the exception. It is great that you did not issue an ultimatum, just get in your mind how you want to handle him & your relationship with him if he does not take action to be with you. I waited too long to do this so can speak from experience that you did well by your handling this sooner rather than later!

Urbancowgirl, what ended up happening in your situation?

Hi smiles! I have been NC for 2 mos & 6 days ( me not initiating). He txted on Thanksgiving, Christmas & New Years. I responded politely that I wished him happy holiday too. On new years he texted that he loved me & misses me; I did not reply to those as I know he wants validation. When he asked for a pause I agreed to 6 mos. At that time I sent him a letter telling him I respected his needs to straighten things out at home & that I would be fine regardless of the outcome & I had no intentions of pressuring him. He has less than 4 months left & I see no indication that he has taken action to be with me. I seriously doubt he will ever leave his family now after two months of nothing but mentally & emotionally I will be true to my word. If 6 months comes & goes then I will know with my heart & mind that he was NOT the exception. I am also dealing with my own marriage- regardless of MM I need to make decisions on it; commit or get out. I am proud I have not initiated contact this long & although I still have bad days feel stronger every day. (In large part due to the support of EP friends!)