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Unexpected Love As An Accidental Other Woman

I have fallen head over heals for a man that has been separated for some time, but is not divorced. As you say, every situation us unique. When we first met I was single. My previous relationship had lasted six years and was full of many, many problems/issues. Months after we had broken up, but my ex's last night in town, I became a victim of rape. This is from a man I had loved and thought loved me, despite us wanting a different future.

After going through a lot of therapy and time spent alone, my path crossed with this MM. I did not know he was married until the start of our 3rd date. He brought flowers, was nervous, and confessed to being still married. I know I had rushed into sex on the second date. Subconsciously wanting to have a new sexual experience, moving further past the rape. His wife is the only relationship he has ever had. They have been together for 11 years, but married for 6 after an accidental pregnancy their senior year of high school. That prompted my confession about the horrible ending to my previous relationship. Since then we have bonded with unbelievable communication, love for each other, and extremely honest truth.

His wife is the one that initially requested the separation and pushed him to take a work contract out of state. Now that she knows I exist she doesn't want a divorce and he is inclined to sacrifice his happiness to "do the right thing" and stay with her for their child. He is a good man, the best man that has ever paid me any kind of attention. We decided it was best all around for us to not have sex (we had a few times early on) until things are settled with his wife. We cannot however, seem to communicate any less. We live in the same city, his wife is in another state, and even with sex out of the picture, we constantly crave communication and just spending time together. We both just want each other to find happiness, but are extremely sad and confused when we are apart.

I don't know what's going to happen to us. He is the closest thing I've ever experienced to love at first sight or anything like a soul mate. It is so unusual for me, never ever expecting to be in this situation. I have so much compassion and empathy for his wife. I know they would both be happier if they could divorce and move on with life, but religion and family pressures are keeping them married, yet separated.

I want to believe that we belong together, I have a lot of love to give and honestly trust I would be a caring stepmother. His child will always be more important then me. I have tried to tell my MM that a child growing up in an unhappy home is just as damaging if not worse then a divorced home. I know that no matter what happens it's going to be a difficult road. There is a lot to ponder. What chance do we really have at happiness? Will his wife find happiness with someone else? Will he go back to her, despite our amazing connection, and spend his days lonely, depressed, and miserably married? I never would have thought that truly good people could be swept up in an affair, but now I am living it.
compassionlove compassionlove 31-35, F 6 Responses Jan 13, 2013

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Update:

I wished him a happy birthday in late January. That opened the door for more heart wrenching communication. Since then, he has finally told his wife. He plans on moving her and his son down here in March. He was shocked at how well she accepted the affair. All this has cemented my need to move on. I've been on a few dates with new single men, but can't get this MM out of my mind. He still sometimes emails so, when I see his name or think of him it feels like my heart is pumping acid. I miss him so much and wanted him so much, but I can't put myself through any of this anymore.

I am so happy that you are in therapy. Once you work on your self-esteem and begin to feel better about yourself, you will realize how damaging this situation is for you. I'm also happy that you realize that he isn't really over his marriage. If he were over his marriage, he would be including you in his Christmas plans with his son (I imagine he gave you a ton of excuses as to why spending Christmas together wasn't in his son's best interests) and he'd be shouting about your relationship from the rooftops. You deserve better.

Update:

Even though his wife saw my photo on his phone over the Christmas he spent with his son, he hasn't actually told her about the affair. I only know this because I flat out asked him last night if she knew. I've spent all day confused and in pain. I am ending it now. I can't let myself feel like a truck stop in his life... I have to let him go live his life. He seems to have already decided to try and work things through with his wife. I just have to listen to him and let go, no matter how it hurts.

Ineslusan, I hope your right. If he does love me he will move mountains to be with me. Thank you for the encouragement and support. This experience posting has helped me reflect on my own needs and feelings as well as consider things I was trying to ignore.

I was just wondering how you were doing. Your post has been in my thoughts.

I've been struggling with a lot of emotions. A melancholy heartsickness over knowing I have to leave him alone and let him straighten his own life out. I still don't think he's lying to me, but I have realized this whole situation has made me feel a lot more emotionally needy then I want to be. We have still been emailing, but I have resisted communication for at least the past 24 hours. We planned on meeting to talk in person this Sunday, solidifying a resolution I guess. I miss him so much and can't get him out of my mind or my dreams.

I am still going to therapy since my trauma and have an appointment tomorrow where I expect I'll discuss more of my feelings. I can admit that I wouldn't mind being his "back up plan" or trying to give him emotional support through whatever happens when he returns home. I just don't think I have the heart or the energy to spend so many months… if not a few years… lonely, loving, and pining over a man that's out of reach. I wish I was strong enough to end everything the moment I discovered he was still married, but I justified my desire to be with him with his separation and multi-state distance from his wife. I'm just too giving and I think we are both sad souls that need someone to lean on right now.

He keeps promising me that if things don't work out he will be on my doorstep with roses. He's said he would have already married me if he wasn't still married. It's so hard for me to hear him say all the things I want with a big fat IF attached. If I could I would marry him. If he asked me I would stand on the sideline waiting for him, but he has said he doesn't want me to live like that. He doesn't want to hurt me or see me suffering. He just wants me to be happy. We are going to do the right thing. It's just so darn painful.

Worse case scenario I have been learning a lot about myself through all of this. Despite him being a MM, I have found so many important values and qualities in him that I now know are important to me if I ever do get married. I have been doing a lot of research on building a quality marriage as well as relationship repair and divorce. These are all things I never learned growing up. I came from a broken home and have never had any great relationship role-models.

I am sorry that you are in this situation and feel for the pain you suffered due to your rape. The advice you received from the last poster was kind, compassionate and on the money. He's not being honest (possibly not even with himself). There are probably problems at home, but he's not dealing with them because of you. If you're not there, he's more apt to deal with his issues and move on with his life. He's got the best of both worlds, I'd say. He's married and he's got you. Why change a thing?

A couple of things jumped out at me right away after reading your story. I am trying not to be harsh here and I have the utmost sympathy for your rape. I hope you called the police and had him charged. Chances are you are not the only woman he has raped.

The first thing that jumped out at me is that you have heard all this about his wife but has she actually TOLD you any of this OR is this from him. If it's from him then you are being manipulated into believing that he will stay for the "sake of their child" Oh what a noble soul. Read all you can and you will find hundreds of stories very similar to your about him or her staying"for their children" or deciding after you have had an affair and are completely in love he or she really should try to work it out with their spouse and wow sorry did I break your heart?
I don't know you but I do know the situation and you are in for heartache.
He might tell you that he has never had sex with anyone but his wife but how do you know that for sure? Your heart could be broken in a long line of broken hearts. You cannot talk about complete honesty because he is CHEATING on his wife. He is NOT an honest man. An honest man would do his best to repair his damaged marrige and if he couldn't then he would divorce. ONLY then would he look for another relationship. Honest men do not cheat. Be very careful or you might end up as the wife to a man who rather than FACING the issues in his marriage (if there are indeed issues) takes the easy way out and cheats.

If you have empathy for his wife then break it off until he is free. If he truly loves you and is connected to you he will move heaven and earth to get back to you. But ONLy after he is divorced. Until you see him with divorce papers in hand he is someones elses husband. He is not only breaking your heart but his wifes and HIS CHILD'S. Is that really the man with whom you want top spend the rest of your life?

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Thank you for your comment. Those are all things on my mind. The night he told me, as soon as I was alone I broke down in tears knowing heartache was unavoidable. That is why I am on here. I have been reading a lot, and not just online, about why affairs happen, being the other woman, how to rebuild a marriage after an affair. I want to understand all sides, and research as much as possible to help me make the best educated decisions I can. You are currently correct that all I am hearing about her is from him. At this point I wouldn't want to cause her any more pain or trauma by trying to communicate directly with her.