Agree To Talk

If your former AP has agreed to "talk" to you, what does that mean? Are things better or worse for them as they are trying to repair their marriage? I'm curious as to how to interpret this.
An Ep User An EP User
3 Responses Jan 22, 2013

Why would you want to talk with him? He's married. He is a coward. He used you and he used his wife. He has proven to you both that he is a liar and a cheat. Is that the type of person you really want to be with? I encourage you to get into counseling to understand how you allowed yourself to get involved with a married man in the first place. You deserve better than being an option.

I'm not sure what it means for him. What matters is what it means for you. What do you hope to get out of talking to him? You probably won't get closure. Do you really want to know what it's like for him, working on his marriage?

It's been about a month since I last talked to the man I had an affair with. The last time we talked he came to my house and told me that he loved me, that he was sorry for everything I was going through. He walked out of my house and his wife was outside. I haven't spoken to either of them since. It's been really confusing not knowing what's going on. I think about calling him all the time.

When I do I think about this: One of two things is going to happen. He's either going to hurt me by saying he's happy with her (I actually want them to be happy, I do, but I'm not ready to accept it over my own grief). OR I'm going to be opening myself up to being vulnerable to him.

They always know what you want to hear and they can always tell you just that. But what will it really mean?

I hope my response was not interpreted as promoting the idea of talking to your affair partner. I wholeheartedly agree that boundaries are what is going to give you health and the strength to move on. Having zero contact with the person I had an affair with has been the best tool I've used in the process of moving forward.

I was simply trying to commiserate that the wondering and questioning can be very difficult. Confusion is a nasty state. One thing that I've discovered about having a policy of no contact has been the rewarding assurance that I know I'm making good, respectful choices. If you talk to your affair partner you're going back to the kind of decisions that can cause you to question yourself morally. If you do not talk to him, you can feel much more assured that you're making kind, respectful decisions for yourself and everyone involved.

Hope that doesn't sound defensive, was just surprised to see this comment stemming from my own. I can agree that falling back into the trap of an unhealthy relationship is lessening yourself, and you deserve better, but people are human and maybe calling people who've re-stumbled "cheapoes" isn't exactly fair. I know, nit-picky, but I'm new to EP and it's level of tolerance and respect has been something that I've found invaluable.

I hope you've continued to make choices for yourself that you can be proud of. It feel like a million bucks.

Don't fall back into the relationship. He is just feeling comfortable enough to try it again. He isn't going to leave his wife. He already proved that. Let him go and remain no contact.