I've Always Preferred Being The Ow....til Now.

I am 28 years old, divorced, single mom, hard-working, intelligent, beautiful, genuinely a good and giving person...and almost completely emotionally void when it comes to men and relationships with them. I feel it has to do with what happened to me from the time I was 9 until I was 11, but I've never received any kind of psychiatric help so, who am I to diagnose? I lost my virginity exactly one month before I turned 18 to just some guy I worked with because I did not want to be a virgin when I slept with my first MM. I have NEVER had issues with becoming attached to men because we slept together. I only ever find myself getting close for a very short period of time and then I quickly shut off every emotion..except my hunger..my hunger for sex...sex with men I never ****** with yet I come back for more. Here's how my life has went as far as MM have gone:

May 2002: Never had sex, just oral, and a lot of flirtation with one 31yo MM, I was 17..we still to this day haven't had sex but are still very much in contact and do talk dirty via text and such..he is still married.

August 2002 I turn 18 and that night begin my first "relationship" with a 33yo MM who was/is a cop a couple towns over from me. It was exciting, sensual, amazing and believe it or not, loving. I never asked, nor wanted, him to leave his wife. Somehow, I felt the fun and excitement would stop. When I attempted to end it a few months later (as I was dating my now ex husband) the MM showed up at my house and forced his way in, blacking my eye with the door in the process. I didn't see him again(sexually) until 2006, after my marriage ended and I was ready to start up again. By this time he was divorced but I still made it to where I was treated as a mistress..only meeting him when on duty, never dating/having meals or non-sexual time together.. we carried on, off and on, until November 2012....10 years and still friends, just nothing sexual.

April 2006: I am still married,22yo, and begin an affair with a 35yo MM who I had always wanted to get my hands on since I was 16. We would meet in the woods, on side of road, in an empty building owned by my boss..He is one of my dads best friends..no my dad doesn't know. We still talk but he recently moved out of state so the sexual liaisons have stopped.
**All 3 men above have never made me ******..yet I continued to come back for more.**

December 2012:
It started off at work with a simple question "Are you married?"..I told myself if he said "yes" that I would back off. But I couldn't help myself. I am not saying this guy is the most gorgeous,charming guy out there, but there is SOMETHING about him that pulls me in. There is an insane chemistry that I cannot explain, or shut off..something I've never had a problem doing before now. We work together, very closely, at least 2 days a week and I have found myself wanting to take care of him as his wife does not.(Not coming from him, coming from people at work that are friends with them both). I would never ask him to leave his wife for me, for that would entail him leaving his beautiful son and that would be devastating for him and his son, but I cant help but fantasize of a life with him and his son, here with my kids and I. We have met up 3 times for sex and 4-5 times to fool around, or just hang out. He talks TO me..He shares with me. He has never made false promises or given me any reason to believe that I am anything more than sex..it is just something I FEEL. In all the MM I have been with I have never felt the urge to take care of one of them..to want to make their day better..to give them a reason to smile when they leave work because they are happy to be going home. Why him? Why now? I truly don't know what to do because I don't want to lose the friendship and make things awkward for him at work (i know i can fake it thru a shift, but i can read him like a book..)I went on an actual DATE with a man this past weekend..he is great..amazing..perfect..unattached...everything I have been looking for the past 6 years that I have been single, but I am not someone who rushes into things so how do I wait patiently to see where things with the perfect man go while leaving behind what could be perfect? How do I know which is right? (my MM's wife got pregnant 5 months into them dating and he "did the right thing" but that is no excuse for me to think there could ever be anything.) I am so much smarter and stronger than this...I know I will be judged..ridiculed..and that is fine..but please in the moments you are doing that keep an open mind and offer any legitimate advice that I can heed. Thank you so much in advance and sorry if I rambled..I am horrible with words sometimes.. 
GiverNotTaker GiverNotTaker
Jan 23, 2013