I met him at church. It was my first time there. And the pastor told everyone to greet one another. His wife came and introduced herself and her husband. Our eyes met. I shook his hand and quickly looked away. I continued coming to church. Seeing him, his wife, and his one year old daughter. Every time I saw him, we locked gazes. I tried to look away. My heart would skip a beat every time we’d pass each other, my fingers grazing his. I knew it was wrong. And I questioned his feelings towards me, “Does he really like me??? He’s married! And he goes to church!” I kept telling myself I was reading all this wrong. He couldn’t like me. He loves his wife.
I tried to keep a distance. I wouldn’t talk to him or his wife. She thought I hated her and asked me if she did something wrong. I assured her she didn’t, and that I was just busy. After I spoke to her, her husband asked to speak to me about babysitting, he had work, and she needed to go out of town. So I agreed.
I showed up at his house in the afternoon and he showed me around, telling me what to feed the baby, when she needed to take a nap, and a list full of emergency numbers. I reassured him that he could count on me! He said he’d be home around 10, and if I got tired after putting the baby down, that I could just sleep on the couch.
He got home at 11. He decided to take a friends shift. He came in the living room and woke me up to pay me. We sat on the couch talking about that new movie, The Watch, about how crazy it was that it had aliens. We laughed and made jokes about it. Then that’s when it happened. He leaned in, and kissed me. He kissed me! This married man from church, the husband of the lady who treated me so nicely. My brain was screaming, “PULL AWAY. PULL AWAY. PULL AWAY.” I didn’t. I wanted this. I was excited that a guy actually wanted me.
He pulled away. I got all my stuff together, said thanks, and quietly left. On the drive home I couldn’t think about anything else. I started feeling a rush of guilt. How could I do this? I betrayed the one person who was kind to me. If she finds out, she’ll hate me. I got home and got in bed. I couldn’t sleep. My phone buzzed. 2AM? Really? Who could be texting me at this hour? It was him. The message read:
“Tonight was great. Thanks for babysitting. See you at church Wednesday.”
What. Have. I. Done?
This happened about 6 months ago.
itsmomojo itsmomojo
Jan 28, 2013