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Low Self Esteem?

From what Ive been reading, i feel like women who put themselves in the position of playing 'second best' 'the side chick' or ' the other woman' generally have low self esteem.

No offense, but I've realized that most of you talk about being wanted etc so i think that you find some sort of satisfaction in 'taking someones man" (which you don't) but anyway...lets say you do, this probably makes you feel better than finding a single man of your own because then, theres no challenge there...just a thought.
Tati16 Tati16 18-21, F 11 Responses Jan 29, 2013

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I can confirm the low self esteem part, at least for my situation this had a little something to do with it. Let me elaborate a bit; I was married, and had been married for 10 years when I met my mm. My now ex husband was 15 years older than I was; he was an abusive, overbearing, narcissitic, controlling, manipulative piece of work that I should have never married!After years of being faithful, bearing his 5 kids, and trying to be a good wife, I found my mm 10 years after marrying my ex. The low self esteem came from him bashing me, talking down to me and treating me with total lack of love or disregard for me being his wife or mother to his kids! I met my ex when I was 19 and he was a youthful looking 34, with 2 ex wives behind him to my never been married and no kids. He had 4 kids besides our 5, by 4 different women. he had little to no relationship with the ex wives and just a minimum relationship with his other kids.I said all that to say this, when I met my mm, I was not looking for him or anyone else at that time. He came along and we met while working at one of the biggest fortune 500 companies in the US. It started out innocent enough, but in time the friendship we established blossomed into a full blown affair that spanned 4 years. Like me, he had been married for 10 years and had 4 kids. He told me up front he was married and never tried to hide the fact. He didn't sit and spend his time with me bashing his wife or his home life, but when he did talk about it, I could tell that he wasn't happy there and was missing something if not a lot of something there from her; and she was either too stubborn or too blind to see it or do something about it.He didn't have the typical woe is me stories, but rather told me things in a matter of fact way, and to me; things as truthfully as they happened. A lot of things about him, I got the privelidge to see first hand and know that he was not lying about.<br />
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Most important, I never felt that I was a typical booty call like some women wind up being and often times, with the exception of him going home to her every time, I did get to see him as long as I wanted and as often as I wanted. I did not feel like the OW, in some sense. He did not hide me from family and friends and we openly went out and about like we were a typical couple. He was not a habitual cheater and like me, this was his first time doing anything like that. In him I found a true companion, someone who was a true friend, lover and soul mate. In him, I felt like I could trust with my life, he had my back and I had his. I never had to worry about money, love or sex. He was someone I could bare my soul to. Sometimes we would just sit and no words be exchanged and it would be just as fulfilling as having sex with him. I have never had a close connection like that with no other man!<br />
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I could sit here all day and tell some of the ways this man rained love on me, and let me know that he was indeed in love with me, and it wasn't just sex or what else he could get, but I will not, there simply are no words for some of the ways he made me feel. These are things my ex husband never did and just like anyone else that would have been offered that for the first time, I relished in it. Like most mistresses, I didn't think about his wife and his kids, I was selfish and wanted him at the time and nothing else! I didn't even think about my own kids and how their lives would be affected should they have found out what I was doing with this man.I have to remind you again, mm asked me out first, I did not pursue him and nor did I approach him first.I have to also say that during those 4 years, those were some of the best moments of my life. Never had I felt more confident, outgoing, energetic and sexy, in my life. Our relationship was more than just sex, sex was only a small part of it. We spent so much time with each other aside from work. I got to see him with his kids, being a dad. I got to see him in the morning when he first woke up, I got to see him when he was stressed, mad, not feeling well, when he was upset. I felt like I knew him. It got to the point where we could finish each others sentences, he could look at me and tell what I was thinking or feeling, and me likewise to him. Often times he would comment that he and his wife don't even have a connection like that. When we would go out, folks thought we were married, we had that vibe thing about us, or whatever it is that folks pick up on that clues them in on whether a couple is married or not. But I said all that to say this, sometimes you can't help who you love. I'm sure despite what you read here in the posts , some of us women would prefer to have a single man than a married man, and most of us don't just go out looking for married men.There are some of us on here that were lied to, and thought you were getting a single man, when in fact he was married and had a family, but by then we were head over heels! I agree with the other poster that said the mistress always gets the bad rap, when in fact, all parties involved should be blamed. Some of these women out here need to step up and take care of these men, and likewise with the men whose wives are not getting satisfied at home and she cheats. I truly believe that cheating starts at home. If a man is happy, he will not cheat, and likewise with a woman. Of course there are some men and women that will cheat no matter what, but a good bit of them cheat because they are trying to find something they are not getting at home.<br />
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In today's society, people are stressed about bills, kids, for some, their health and others, their jobs. Most of us have forgotten that families; in particular, husbands are a priority too. When you forget that, that's when you get a cheating man. You have to make time for him, bottom line. Because if you don't, some other woman will! <br />
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I am not happy about cheating on my ex husband, and I have asked him for his forgiveness, but he had some ownership in the demise of our relationship other than the fact that I cheated and got pregnant. He was not supplying me with the love and care I needed at home and when someone came along who was willing to give that to me, I cheated, plain and simple. It was wrong, but I cannot go back and change a thing.I had begged and pleaded with him to stop belittling me, calling me names, talking about me to his family, and to start listening to me, showing me love, and showing me compassion; but he would always find a way to divert his short comings and twist it around on me, and then after I cheated, and the fact that I DID cheat. He never owned up to anything that he may have done to help steer me in the arms of another man. Its not like the marriage was good before mm and he just didn't see why I did what did! He had the audacity to look shocked when he found out about MM, but then 6 months after I left him, he "found" some woman online, and now they are married and have been so for some time. He did not even wait a full 2 years after our divorce!<br />
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I don't hold a jealous bone in my body, in fact I am glad she got him, maybe now she can take his mind off of trying to do spiteful and mean things to me for leaving him 2 year ago! <br />
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But again, I said all that to say this, you cannot judge anyone until you have been there and done that, and perhaps talked to several other women before you make assumptions about where their hearts and heads are. I used to be one of those women who never thought that I would cheat, I never looked down on women who did, but I did have an opinion about them, and now look! I can honestly say I understand what makes women cheat. I don't condone it, nor would I do it again, but I certainly have a different, but not necessarily bad way of looking at women who do.

Maybe you need to gain a little more experience in this area and try it before you go judging someone's self esteem issues! Most of us are very confident women who just know what we want! Love does not care about anything other than what the heart feels at that particular time in life.

Maybe we don't even care about his wife?! Have you really ever thought of that? Maybe this is fun for some women and maybe one of them will ruin your wonderful marriage someday?! Nothing is black and white but all shades of gray. So get off your soapbox and realize that we can have a single man, your man or another woman's man, but in reality, we all just want one man that wants us just as much as we want him.

Do you really think that we go for MM just for the ******* fun of it? It is usually the MM that approaches us, we don't go out to find a MM just to **** up his family! Geez c'mon! It isn't us with security issues, it is the MM needing something that he isn't getting at home from you princess!

Just because you are young and haven't experienced much of the sideways **** in life and I truly hope that you never get cheated on or are put in a position where your own self esteem is jeopardized because DAMMIT, you went and fell in love with the wrong guy that you didn't know was happily married. And you were just his easy piece of *** who believed in love, or what you thought was love. Love is blinding sometimes and men are good at getting what they want. I doubt you are even exempt from falling off your pedestal for the right line by the right man.

And if you think you know the answers to how not to fall in Love with a man, no matter what the situation is, I'm sure we would all love to hear how you are able to spot "Mr. MM" vs "single man" No matter what their status is that night, if the MM and single man are out for a night of fun then they will succeed and you may be a victim of being the the innocent girl just having fun to homewrecker in one night.

I have been 'the other woman' and I can confirm the low self esteem a bit, but in my personal experience, the biggest reason of all is that: I believe good men barely exist, that maybe 1 in 1000 men are good men.
This naturally leads to a huge shortage of good men, my solution: share a good man. :-) I prefer sharing a good man over being with a bad man or being single, usually.

1. I doubt most women are shallow and narcissistic enough to take pleasure in "taking someone's man..." But marriage is marriage, not ownership.
Some wives (and husbands) forget that marriages mean a lot of work, a lot of selfless giving.

2. Whaddaya mean, there's no challenge in finding a single man?
Finding one who's not totally unable to maintain a relationship, or one that wants more than a one-night-stand or a booty call...THAT takes a bit of work.

3. How many serious relationships have you been in?

Not all women "put" themselves in the position of playing the other woman... love has absolutely no limits... how do I know this.. because i too am dating a married ( but now separated) man... So much time is spent bashing the OW when in all honesty... is it really her fault that the MM marriage is not affair-proof?? she has low self esteem.. she should know better.. she this and she that.. I've heard it all... Every-time a man cheats on his wife everyone wants to go in on the OW... I was pursued by the man I am seeing.... I didn't have to settle for being 2nd because even though he went home every-nite.. there was a time when I saw him literally everyday... and after 5 months of knowing that he had unexpectedly found a sense of happiness that he has never had with anyone else....he moved out of his home. People marry for the wrong reasons... some stay together for the wrong reasons but at the same time.... LIFE goes on... should he have waited before he pursued a single woman ( myself) yeah maybe he should've... should I have not entertained dating him KNOWING he was married ( yeah maybe I shouldn't have)......however...I don't have low self esteem... If you wanna label the OW anything... label her selfish.... because maybe she's a tad bit selfish... thats what my problem was.... I knew he was married but yet... I had a connection with this man early on that was out of this world to me.. and it wasnt physical.. i chose to act on it... most people always do what makes them feel good ... low self esteem?? that term is just so overrated... its possible to love yourself and yet make decisions that probably arent the best...Ive always been a happy spirit.. life of the party and humorous woman... he showed up in my life and he was what was missing.... if anything... I was selfish... but you should NEVER JUDGE SOMEONE WHEN U HAVE NEVER AND CANT EVER WALK A DAY IN THEIR SHOES.... ..

Nicely said!

Im laughing at the maturity level of some of you especially harrie51. As far as I'm concerned if your fine with being second best you really need to question your self worth. If a man wants you he would get rid of the MAIN woman and that is the honest truth (i know a married man and he immediately divorced his wife who he had a child with for my friend) bottom line is, If he wants to wait it out then that means he is simply not wanting to leave his woman because he doesn't think the grass is greener with you and wants to give her a chance. By your statement its clear you have a birds nest for a brain. You don't need a 21 year old stating that something must be wrong with your self esteem

And to the other commenters, im not questioning why you got into a relationship like that to begin with (i understand if he lied about it and by the time you knew it, you were already falling for him) i was just pointing out something i noticed when reading these posts especially in terms of self esteem with words like 'i felt wanted' etc

You obviously have not read enough ,or for that matter, had enough experience to understand the complexities of relationships. Women and men seek or fall into less than popular scenarios all the time for all kinds of reasons. It is human instinct to feel wanted and needed and loved. I do not think anyone deserves to be condemned for being human.

Tati, let me help you understand some things. Not all of us were lied to. Not all of us feel like we are either second best or the side chick. In fact some of us are perfectly content with the ways things are, wanting no more from our MM, then what we have. As far as being the OW, we are, but most do not have low self esteem, In fact, we are stronger due to the relationships we are in. Some of us who are the OW, are the "only woman". Lastly, we do not "take someone's man". A man is not a possession. You shouldn't make sweeping generalizations.

It takes a person with strong character to admit to their flaws... love is a beautiful thing and thats the beauty of it... it takes you had shakes u when you are least looking for it... Im 41 years old ..had NEVER AND I MEAN NEVER even looked twice at a MM until i met the love of my life.... he was in an unhappy marriage.. . he chose me.. he pursued me... had I not acted on the connection ( and i use the word connection) because thats what it was... had I not acted on that connection I would have missed out on getting to know the best love that has ever happened to me..... cant tell u how many times i cried myself to sleep not because he was married but because i couldnt believe i allowed myself to get into what i thought was such a HUGE mess... I went into this thinking.. I was making the biggest mistake of my life however a year and a half later... I am with the man I am going to spend the rest of my life with.... I didnt type this to justify my behavior... i typed all of that to say this.... not every woman that is married is a helpless good woman that is being cheated on... not every married man is a lying man that plans to have his cake and eat it 2 by trying to hold on to 2 different women... my love didnt leave his wife for me.. he left an unhappy situation. my mental state is healthy... my self esteem in tact... this love found me i didnt find it... and if it wasnt supposed to be this way.. then it wouldnt have... my guy left his wife 5 1/2 months after meeting me... u think i thought he left because of me.. nah.. that was going to end whether our paths crossed or not... the first nite i met this man we sat hand in hand talking as if we had known one another all of our lives.. and to this day... we often find ourselves hand in hand... no matter where we are at.... we even fall asleep hand in hand... and then we sit or lay there and try to figure out who grabbed whose hand first and how do we always end up hand in hand... our paths crossed for a reason.. couldve been handled much better.... but at the end of the day.... it was my open heart that accepted this man.. not a lack of self esteem.... thats just my story.....

In most OW's stories, you'll notice it's the one and only time they've had an affair. I know I personally wasn't looking for it and, in fact, had never felt an attraction to a married man before. But, people do get into situations that they never expected to happen or choose. Affairs aren't very common in your 20's because if you're not content with someone, you leave. But once you have a house, family, and years together it is not so easy. In fact, it's quite an ordeal.

I think OW say they feel second best at times when they are feeling frustrated and sorry for themselves. In reality, the OW is probably being treated best by that particular man. Part of the man really does want to be with the OW full time and he feels guilt along with it. At least that is what I witness in my one relationship with one.

Keep thinking the way you are thinking though. Falling in love with unavailable people, for whatever reason they are unavailable, should always be avoided.

Cranberry, I see you chose to delete because you cannot take the heat! Go back to the sandbox, little girl. THERE YOU CANNOT DELETE THAT!

Kelki, I really liked what you posted here yesterday. This was a little harsh though. You're other points were much better!

Kelki, Cranberry went to deleting all the comments I made to her and now she has deleted all the comments she made to me. I told her to leave the comments, they spark thought, support, opinions and opposition. No...she wasn't mature enough to support her own comments and hopefully went back to the playground, where she belongs.

So sorry Harrie51 keeps spamming everything i say, Tati16 :/ She's a little obsessed with most of what comes out of my mouth; always has something ugly and off-topic to say about it, regardless of how articulate i am with her.

So my apologies if she says anything ratchet. She can't help herself with me.

-fans self- My goodness! All this attention from you is just beyond flattering from Harrie. At this point I daresay she IS my biggest fan. Can't leave any opinion I have alone.

Still talking.

Then quit spamming me with your nonsense? I'm over it, love.

And actually aod7909 i never went back to your post on this experience, nor did i delete any of the comments i said to you. You might've had this conversation with someone else, cuz it certainly wasn't with me.

Now if it was you leaving comments on my experience after i asked people to "hop off or get ignored"? Then i probably did. But i've not deleted anything of mine from yours, and we've n e v e r had that conversation lol.

Actually cranberry, your first comment to me was on my story about spending the day in bed with my MM. You called me a **** and ranted your slang on numerous comments on my story. I called you out on your posts and you called me a stalker. Funny how you say you havent deleted them, yet all your posts from myself Kelki and some from Harrie have been deleted. If you want to pretend those conversations never happened, you need medical attention. Not only are you immature, you are delusional boo!

lol she gonna try and "boo" me, too...

yeah, i know what i said; "but hey, let a wh.or.e have her fun" and went on to say it wasn't my life, but yours. After you came at me [which i guess was only right; i shouldn'tve let that be the first thing to come out of my mouth], i kept backing off saying, "do what you do, it's your thing, not mine". And if anyone was ranting, it was most certainly you. i let you get me excited a little bit into it, but i finally conceded with my hands raised; i allowed you to momentarily get me riled up, and that wasn't necessary. So i had nothing more to say after r e p e a t e d l y insisting that it's your life and you do your thing, just don't be surprised at the consequences [assuming they're worth it to you, which is fine].

And like i JUST said; if you commented on my experience post a f t e r i made the statement "hop off or get ignored", then yes, i probably did delete whatever you wanted to dig back up. Cuz that seems to be what y'all are real good at over here; leaving something one place and bringing it back up someplace else, when no one has said a n y t h i n g to raise the subject with you but yourselves. It's trifling and beyond pitiful, really. So yeah, i probably did tell you to quit stalking me lol. Cuz that's what you're all doing at this point. So get your facts together!

Maybe my posts were deleted because Kelki and Harrie51 blocked me? Even though they're the ones hot on my tail smackin' their lips...?

3 More Responses

Life is very nice when you have not had to make any decisions that go beyond issues like, "What will I wear today?" or "I am in love with him cuz he smiled at me."

Being the other woman has nothing to do with taking a man away or having a man of your own. Men are not teddy bears. They get caught up in complex relationships just like women, they happen to have thoughts and feelings. They sometimes do not make purposeful decisions but just live in sexless marriages or do their best to stay sane to take care of children. Whatever the reason, a marriage is not a cookie cutter situation neither is an affair.


By the way ,whoever said a woman in an affair is a side dish is mislead. People in affairs know we are nothing short of a decadent dessert!

a very decadent dessert!!

-clap clap clap!-

It would seem to be a recurring factor. Not to say that's truth or whatnot, but it certainly isn't an uncommon trait that goes hand-in-hand what you read, hear or see.

Hey hey hey! I think you're being a little harsh there. Harrie, did you not feel &amp; think the same way at one time? Don't bash these two posters. I know I never thought I'd be in an affair and won't be again. I also know it wasn't due to being needy or having low self-confidence. Before this affair, I would've guessed that only people who were desperate or gold digging would be with a married guy. Live and learn.

Live and learn ! Short and very true.