I'M The Mmw I Want To End My Bitterness

My husband abandoned me for over 12 yrs. he knew I was damaged when he met me. I was sexually abused as a child and intimacy has always been difficult. I chose To trust my heart and soul and body to him. I felt safe and protected. He was my whole world. He was married once before me and was betrayed too so he was just as vulnerable as me at the time. It was because he knew the pain of betrayal, I would never have believed he could knowingly hurt me in the same way, The ow was everything I was not. She knew me, she knew of my blind faith in him. She pursued him, he was flattered to have attention from someone I was not. I wish I could have been so. He was just as responsible for the affair. When I questioned her inappropriate behavior and interest in him I was made to feel my worries were absurd by both of them. Shortly after I came home unexpectedly to find my suspicions were probably true. I didn't catch them in the act but she was definitely not where she should have been. He pleaded forgiveness and things were not as they seemed. She said nothing happened that couldn't have been forgiven. I swallowed the story and pleaded she never knowingly come between another couple again. I rationalized and convinced myself I could be better not bitter. Her response to me was "she couldn't make such a promise" I was dumbstruck. With that, I told my husband that she was someone we couldn't associate with anymore. He said he regretted his actions and promised to do so. I was painfully abused, lied to and betrayed for over 12 years. She was very bold and seemingly proud of proving my blind faith of my husbands loyalty was a complete farce. I was humiliated time and time again. My perception, was she enjoyed the pain she and my husband caused me. He became mean, probably to justify his entitlement to his actions. The meaner he got the harder I tried. Why didn't I leave? I loved him, I gave him everything and then some. I made my vow to god and my own heart that I would be faithfully loyal and honor the vows I promised regardless the pain it caused me. I'm ashamed of my ignorance. I believe they probably were better suited together than I. I told him I wanted him to be happy and if it was her then so be it, just be honest and set me free. It was chicken sh** ,and unfair to live a lie. He rejected me, yet declared of no wrong doing. I know pathetic. My ignorant denial their relationship continued. They went to great lengths to continue hide and protect their commitment to each other and literally drive me crazy, to the point I didn't know myself, I made myself the perfect victim. I hated that I was not what he wanted. I took responsibility and carried the shame of not being good enough for years. I kept telling myself I could not leave without concrete proof of infidelity. Until something snapped, I questioned a call on his cell phone with a suggestive ringtone. He was furious and made the most hateful comment to me. It was a light switch. It didn't matter what did or didn't happen, I really didn't care anymore I just wanted out, I actually said I was so sorry that I didn't love him anymore. I had lost everything that mattered to me, two people in my life who completely and utterly gave me unconditional love and support. I felt the worst had already happened and I was still standing. There was nothing I couldn't walk away from . I had no more to lose. I was not afraid or felt bound to my vows. I could finally set myself free. I didn't want or need anything financially and his treatment to me over the years only made me stronger . Because I could not count on him, I took care of everything myself. I was scared, made many mistakes but I learned from those mistakes and I grew strong. There was nothing I couldn't do, and I knew it. At that moment, he did too. A tremendous weight had been lifted. I walked out the door calmly no tears went to work feeling only regret for the wasted years and opportunities lost. He was devastated . He was heart broken, facing his actions and owning them for the first time ever. When I got home he was physically sick reflecting his actions. He pleaded the opportunity to prove he was a changed man and would spend the rest of his life trying to make it up to me and would do anything to make it so. Two weeks turned into four and so on. He did hold true to his promises. But he will never be able to heal the scars left behind. The trust is gone. This is what pains me. I am not me. I am so bitter and hurt. It replays constantly in my mind. There is no escape from the pain, I can forgive but not forget . So again I hate the person I am. I don't understand, she was beautiful', smart, talented why stay where there was no future. Why didn't she think more of herself ? Didn't she deserve better? I realized actually I wasn't thinking of her. I was asking the questions to myself but didn't know it. I am still with my husband , we have done counseling. Something has changed, it's me, I am not the same. I am damaged. i stumble with my rage everyday. I want her to know the pain. I want her to feel it. Perhaps she does, I'll never know. I actually feel empathy for her. I hate her, well, hate is so strong . I hate her and my husbands actions, not the people.as such. I will never understand why. Why knowingly cause such pain and take enjoyment doing so. Why as women do we hurt each other. Is it the competition?TOW out there help me understand. I don't want to hate and feel bitter. I don't want you to take anymore from me. Life is too short. Please don't come between a married couple. Be brave, he must leave first or you find someone who can give you the love and relationship you deserve without the shame and deceit your actions will surely create. I hope by sharing my story I clan get some closure, move on, find myself again, possibly finally like me for me. Thanks for listening
Abcmecry Abcmecry
4 Responses Feb 7, 2013

I can relate to your pain and rage, however, if you still feel them so strongly AFTER he changed and after therapy; it is not that you have changed - it is that you have not forgiven. Forgiving is a choice to release this person from the damage done. Until you do this, even if you are not with him, you will not know peace. Your pain and rage are comforting mechanisms of defense.
For the sake of your ability to have joy with your spouse again; won't you find your way to forgiveness?

I pray you do... it will be the peace you seek.

I feel not qualified to respond since I had an affair recently, but my situation is different, however, not justifying the affair at all. An affair is wrong.Every friendship exists because something (a bond) that binds you together still exists. Some bonds are made of steel, some copper, some wood, some egg shells, some are as thin as hair. The involved parties (in a marriage being, two parties) choose whatever material they both determine is important to relate for. Some choose money, some sex, some companionship, some social or political status, endless list. Though shy to disclose, deep down , everyone knows why they related to another person. The interesting and disturbing thing is that two people can have a bond that is made of two different materials e.g. money and status, or status and sex, or mention yours. Interestingly, very few two parties know if different reasons before the relationship is consummated, and often they consider their relationship temporary.Sincere relationships: Most in most sincere relationships, one person always hopes that the other person's reasons are same as theirs, and usually the heat and smell of the foretaste numbs one's diligence to demand the actual reason.A relationship bond is like a mother's umbilical cord, only that nutrients flow both ways.We know electricity cannot flow through wood, and water cannot flow through metallic cables. That's the nature of two people having a bond, but they are not nourishing each other, though each one of them is trying to send nutrients to the other side.Since the bond is not nourishing, and each person has got to get nutrients to have a level head, they both turn to cheating. Cheating can be as simple as watching TV to get some nourishments from it instead of getting it from your partner, but it will be labeled as relaxing after a long day. Cheating starts little but broadens with time, and the cheater is always armed with justification for each step, no matter how foolish it may be.Remember, this happens with sincere individuals I'm sincere relationships.Question: What do I do when I find out that my reason for relating is different from my partner's, but that he/she has been/ had been sincerely trying?Insincere relationships: one person knows why the other person's reasons for relating, can nourish the relationship if he/she wants to, but chooses not to die to laziness which really is selfishness.The other person (innocent) never knows and thus continues trying to nourish the partner, until later on when he/she raises arms about it. The guilty person pretends not being aware of it and pretends to make up. Sometimes the guilty partner, due to selfishness, can take the innocent partner through a guilt trip just to cover their atrocities in the relationship.Question: What do you do when you find out your partner has been selfish. Can he heal from it. It is a chronic disease?Abcmercy, please forgive me for taking over your story, but I thought this can set a premise for thought, since you are offended by your husband, and I've offended my wife, but the underlaying context is very different.If you have the patience, read my story.I wish you well, and a wise and sound mind as you contemplate what to do.

I'm sorry for your pain. In my case, my MM refused to be honest with his wife because he was comfortable. He was getting the best of both. I was told that they had grown apart. They were just like roommates. He was just there because of the kids. She knew he saw other women. She was controlling and the excuses went on. I was not at all happy with the situation. He told me as soon as the kids were older, blah, blah, blah.. I heard from mutual friends the things he would tell her like I was a psycho stalker, I just wouldn't leave him alone. None of it was true. I started a blog that I knew she read that would give her all the details of what was going on with him and I. She would question him about things I said and he would convince her that I was lying and making up stories. I gave him the choice and he chose to stay with his wife and work things out. I completely understood and did not have anymore contact with him. BUT he contacted me after about 6 weeks telling me he couldn't live without me. He wanted to be with me, This went on for a few more times. When I had really had enough of the back and forth, I refused to take his calls anymore. I'm sure she was at the same point. He showed up at my door, convinced me that he had really made his choice. I told him if that was the case then he was to get his things and move completely out of there. He did. I never wanted to hurt her. I was misled just as much as she was even though she would never believe that. To this day, she thinks I am manipulating him to be with me and he is now my husband! I had no control over the situation and what he was telling her or me for that matter.

There is so much love inside you.
Be strong!