Could Use A Little Help Today

I have been seeing a MM for about 6-7 months. He is dominating, aggressive etc...opposite of my husband. My husband is the best really. He loves me and my girls and is an outstanding man. I have no idea why this other man has captured my attention. The MM and I have been physical but not had sex. I am continously trying to break it off but I just don't seem to have the strength. What little time I do get with him is exhilirating. But then the valley's of anxiety and loneliness always follow. I know this is going to end badly. I feel your story and I am searching for the strength to do the right thing. Today I saw a post of facebook where he and his wife exchanged "I love you's" and it stung awful. We have both made it very clear that we aren't breaking up any families and that this is just for fun on the side but I am developing feelings. Deep feelings that are distracting and dangerous. I know what I need to do but I can't yet. I hate that I am settling for "bread crumbs" of his time. Yes, he has strayed before but this is my first time. Married 7 years, 2 little children....Even typing this out makes me sick. How do I get over this? How do I move on? He will not pursue me if I decide to leave so this should be easy right? I just can't seem to stop texting him or looking at his facebook profile. I'm so deflated.
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11 Responses Feb 8, 2013

Here's an interesting thought that no one has brought up, and I've rarely seen it expressed: The excitement of an affair might be enhanced by the fact that your marriage (yes, the one that you are betraying) provides the stability and predictability that allows - indeed, propels - your inhibitions to "run wild." It's pretty well understood that when you have stability/predictability (i.e, marriage or a long term thing), you start to crave and miss the unpredictability/excitement. When you're single you don't have the stability, THAT's what you crave. Unfortunately, the predictability/stability of a marriage, by definition, makes unpredictability and, thus, excitement with the one who provides the stability very difficult to experience. But if you have the first, and are willing to "stray" to get the second, you have your cake and eat it too, as an earlier poster put it. In other words, having a stable marriage in an odd way makes it possible to go "crazier" (is that a word?) with a new person. That person is free to provide the excitement, and just the excitement, and you won't be needing anything more. Unless your spouse finds out and leaves you. Then you'll need more from the "affair," and that will change how he or she feels about you, can see where this is going. Soon, you don't have either.

Hey Turkey6, you are at an age where you get excited and flirtatious, which is normal. The only difference between you and a teenager is that you're surrounded by potentially more collateral damage incase of an accident. But you need to live out our excitement or else you'll loose it. It'll be like a gold mine you never tapped yet it is gone for good.
Question: are you able to turn this excitement towards your husband instead of this other guy. That's all you've got to do, hoping your husband will play along you. It'll be more fun because you'll not be having guilt, leave alone you'll not have to hide.
Every relationship has a pact of commitment. Who do you choose to sign it with? Your lover or your infatuation guy?

sorry to say this but you are a selfish person, you want your cake and eat it to. you say your husband is a great guy but you lust after some other guy, why? cause your bored with your husband. instead if chasing this alpha male you shuld be communicating with your husband about your wants and neeed and tryin to spice things up for him instead of going out of your way for this other guy. What makes you you thnk your husband wants to be with someone who does not want to be with him? how is that fair to anyone especillay your children. you should definatly tell your husband what has happened, how pysical you have gotten and why and figure out what is missing to try and fix things. if You love your husband you will be truthful wioth him and give him the chioce of whether or not to stay with you. you are not trying to do that you would rather be this marines ***** instead of you husbands *****. you would be amazed at how things would change with you husbands if you actually communicated which him your fantasies instead of giving it to this other guy. If you dont do this its aonly a matter of time bfore you cheat completley. in that time you will slowley begin to be resenful towards your husband, you will lose even more respect for him, since it is clear you arleady do not respect him and eventually he will find out a you will have a complete shitstorm on your hands the ones who will suffer are youur children and your husband especially since he will not completly understand why you did what you did.

you'll get hurt soon if u don't stop your relationship with that man, Ask for God to help you, to give you strength, Just devote your love, time and self to your husband and children, I know you can do it. Dont ever look at his facebook again

You need to get out now! You are already in over your head and you haven't even had sex! Let me tell you it only gets harder from here. You basically have two choices, get hurt now or get hurt later. Trust me it is easier now than 10 years from now. The longer you wait the harder it will be.

I hate to put a pinhole in your balloon but, aside from the hurting others, have you entertained the idea that someone who is unfaithful to a wife who loves him is also unfaithful to you? Trust me, it can and does happen - often.

I have no compassion for you. I don't know what it's like to walk in your shoes but I would ask this - what about your husband whom you say loves you? Your family? Didn't you take vows. As your marine says, it's just sex. If you can carelessly walk into that, you should be able to carelessly walk out of it just the same.

I feel for you. I have been going through very same sort of things myself (read my stories to see). What helps me is to remember how much I hurt a couple of days before I see him. Reading online postings by his wife and thinking about how he sticks in his marriage does the trick everytime. I don't think much of a man I'm seeing doing romantic things he does for me for another woman. It makes my stomach turn and reminds me to not make concessions for him since he chooses to be with her. Then by the time I see him, I've calmed any feelings of being upset and he doesn't have the effect on me that he would otherwise.

I still have fun with him. He's a good buddy and I love so much about him. I get upset when I miss him or want to ask for more. If those feelings come to often, then it's time for me to go.

I think it's time for you to, but don't do it until you know you're ready. When your ready to never ever romatically see him again and move on. Keep thinking the way you're thinking and you'll be ready very soon. Neither one of our relationships can last. We know that. In a bit of time, you'll get over him.

I really liked your post. I\'m also travelling this road..

As long as you keep it on the side and dont get too involved which would be hard but possible it ll be alright. Just keep that in mind this is just side business for both of u and thats how he s treating u and you should treat the same way. They day you decide to take it next level than it ll be end of it.

you should accept the reality and the way things are, I am in the same situation with another girl and we r both very clear where things stands. neither me nor that other girl willing to lose everything for this relationship. We have very clear lines and we both r not willing to cross it, the day lines are crossed that would be the last day. So it depends how much you both willing to lose for this relationship???

I do have feeling for her but i don't get jealous of her talking to someone else but i really liked her and love spending time with her ,, but as guys we do cost benefit analysis.... and it cost too much to leave wife and kids for girl on the side and again it cost her too much to leave everything behind for me as well,,, which none of us willing to pay,, so just enjoy the ride while u on it ,, getting too emotionally involved will cost u everything,, as the saying goes in persia,,, Be happy with half a bread in ur hand than full bread in someone else hand ,,,
as long as keep ur feeling aside and look at it as business proposal in which u both r the winners as long as u play the game within the rules u ll be happy,, otherwise only thing u ll get out of this is heartbreak,,,

Xavier99 just doesn't get it. You can't will yourself to not care just like you can't will yourself to fall for someone who you're not attracted to. Someone called this an addiction, and they're right about that. Breaking away is not easy to do, but even if you fail once, then twice, the fact that you keep trying means you will do it eventually. That's exactly how other addictions work. There's an entire literature on the concept of "relapse" being a normal step in the path to getting over addictions like smoking and drinking. There is no reason an emotional addiction wouldn't be exactly the same.

And by the way, although you have not said this, I'm guessing you're thinking that you "love your husband, but are not 'in love' with him," and that's part of the feeling that keeps you hooked to this other person. Well, no one is "in love" with someone they've been with for years, assuming there are none of those barriers I spoke of earlier. A long-time husband or wife can never compete with an affair, and it's not fair that they should have to.

Believe it or not, if your new friend were your long-timer and you met your husband, HE'D be the exciting one. I know that seems impossible, but ask someone who's made that switch about the types of sparks that fly, and the temptation to hook up again with the "ex." You know, the one they were bored with, irritated by, etc. Trust me, your husband does not deserve the huge amount of pain he'll experience if he finds out what you're up to, and you'll be shocked at how long it takes him to get over it - if he does.

ooo rah..marine huh/ yep difficult choices..i have had two in my life and both left me for other women and yet ..i dont know what id do if either said lets try basically im no help just know where you are coming from

I know it seems real, but what you're experiencing is the fantasy of what you imagine It'd be like if you could be with him. Try to imagine, instead, that you're now free to do that and he starts treating you very differently, or turns out to have a very different attitude toward something than you, or just starts ignoring you.

Trust me, all the above things are possible. The trouble with relationships that are forbidden for any reason is that neither you nor he really know how you'd feel about each other if the barrier were removed. You think you do, but you just don't. That's why people in long term affairs actually feel "in love" for so long. Then if they get the chance to be together, in most cases one or both lose the feeling. And that's why something like 90% of relationships that begin as "affairs" (one or the other married) do not last once the people are free to be together.

Another thing to consider: If you're thinking "this doesn't hurt my husband, because he doesn't - and might never - know," think again. Every time you're distracted because you're thinking about this fantasy guy - what to text him, when you'll see him, etc. - your husband notices and likely wonders what HE is doing wrong, or why you're distracted, etc. Also, you'll find yourself irritated by him, especially if he (your husband) is doing something to prevent your chance to text or get together with your "friend."

If you do get the courage to end this, I would not advise telling/confessing anything to anyone, especially your husband, unless - and this is a big unless - there's a chance he'll find out somehow. Tough decision. If you keep it quiet you'll spare him a hell of a lot of pain, pain that's hugely disproportional to the pleasure you've experienced (I know that seems impossible, but if you've ever been there you'll understand). As counselors like to say, confessing unburdens you but puts it all on his (or her) shoulders. They usually advise against confessing. However, I disagree for the following reason, and under the following circumstance: if you think he'll discover it eventually, having not said anything yourself now leaves him with TWO major emotional challenges: First, there's going to be the pain of what you did, which he'll feel anyway. But second, and this is much bigger, he'll never be able to really trust you again. The pain diminishes, but, interestingly, the trust deficit lingers. He'll know (or believe) that if you had not told him, he would never know. And so he'll always wonder what you also have not told him, about the past or in the future.

If you confess, on the other hand, the pain will again subside (it will take a while, years maybe, but it will diminish), but at least he'll realize that you came forward on your own, even though you did not have to, and thus he did not have to "discover it." Discovering it ends any chance you'd EVER have to convince him that you "were going to tell him sometime." Yeah, right; everyone says that.

I had a girlfriend once who was new to the "sex thing," and enjoying it so much with me she just became so curious to see what other guys were like. She ended up "fooling around" three or four times, which I did not like this, of course. However, she sheepishly told me every time she did something (she was not a good secret keeper!), so I never really had to wonder whether she'd been up to something that I did not know about. We broke up eventually (it was an early college thing), but I've since learned that the opposite - discovering an infidelity - is a LOT more painful, and the loss of trust in that situation might never be regained. Good luck.

NewEngland, GREAT post and insights. You should put it up as a Story. I think it would be great for many to read. Thank you for sharing!