The Other Woman Isnt A Fun Role For Me

I was engaged from a young age to a man 7 years my senior and broke up with him to be with my married man 8 months ago. I lived in a home that in truth most likely resembled a married home. We use to love one another but had become room mates. I would work constantly and we still had things in common so it wasn't that I was miserable per say but I was NOT happy! He had a high sex drive and was always asking for sex which I began to make excuses not have and felt horrible and guilty about doing it. Why wouldn't I just break up with him? I had not met another man or spent enough time searching for someone to move on, and I felt that it would kill him... When we did break up my ex came back for me and tried to kill me and got arrested. My worst nightmare became a reality after he attacked me... The man I had spent so many years with a no longer loved tried to kill me because I had moved on. I felt guilty about his pain but I know I did not deserve the attack..So, I continued to see this married man, a man from work of course as most of these stories go...I fell in love with him, and I thought it would get easier as time progressed for him to realize how happy he is with me, but now I don't know what I want. He has an infant son and I have been seeing him since his wife is pregnant. I've been around his son and he's beautiful and wonderful. He knows I want I want children and marriage, something that I was working towards with my ex. even though I am happy that we did not have children because obviously it was not meant to be and unhealthy...The MM has seen me break down and cry and seen the pain that I am going through. I feel like a monster. He tells me that he truly wants to see me happy even if I have to leave to be with someone else but he can't stand to be with me if I'm sleeping or being with another... They both work 12 hour shifts and take turns taking care of the baby. He says they barely sex, they see each other in passing and bills piled high have become a topic for arguments regularly. But to me no marriage is perfect and I feel like marriage is HARD! Of course it's going to be difficult but he needs to make a decision, but I don't think that he will. I will have to walk away. I wanted to give it until July, at least have our year anniversary. At least say that I could give him a year of my life since I love him so much. I don't want to give him an ultimatum to leave her because I don't want him to have to be away from his son, and I don't want him to hurt her.. But I'm tired of hurting. I feel like I'm keeping him happy while I'm miserable. I'm giving him my all. And no this is not a purely sexual connection. We barely spend time with each other in his crazy busy life and when we do we watch movies, go for walks, laugh and talk about or dreams and life... I don't know what to do I just don't know how to let go I love to make him happy, and he makes me happy when we are together, but there is soooo much time apart!!!