I Never Thought I'd Be That Girl....(I hope someone can make it through this long story and give me some unbiased advice – I really need it.)
In September of 2011, I began working with a man who really caught my eye. I could tell by body language that we both found each other attractive, but we were both too shy to talk to each other. I worked at a large company, so we didn't see each other too often. We would always smile at each other when we were in the same room. Fast forward to March of 2012 and we begin to make verbal contact. He came into my building one day and started making casual conversation but it was flirty. I could feel the sexual tension between us. I asked another girl I worked with about him, and she told me he had a girlfriend. I was aggravated, but just figured oh well. He eventually added me as a friend on facebook and I would scope it his profile every now and then... he definitely had a cute girlfriend. We would continue speaking to each other once in awhile in the cafeteria while he sat with another female coworker who was his good friend. I will call her K, because she eventually comes back into the picture.
I found out that we went to the same high school, so I started corresponding with him through work email about it. Our emails started getting flirtier when he told me I would win an award at work for having the best smile. One day shortly after, I bumped into him at a restaurant near work. He and his girlfriend, along with her daughter, were dining there. Meeting the girlfriend felt so awkward to me. She seemed suspicious of me already, as if she could feel the sexual tension between us too. But she was nice enough, so I shrugged it off. I was bummed that this cute guy I was flirting with was unavailable, but I was not the type to take something away from someone else. As time went on, however, I started to feel the attraction growing. One day, after a long string of flirty emails, he messaged me on facebook after work. We talked for so long he gave me his phone number. I mentioned him having a girlfriend, but he said, "I can still talk and flirt." I don't know what he said that turned me on so much, I can't even remember, but next thing I know I was inviting him over to my house. We went back and forth about it all evening to the point where I wanted him so badly, I was starting to get very frustrated about his indecisiveness. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't decide if it was me seducing him or him seducing me. I knew we both wanted it. I even did something I would NEVER have done to entice him to come over -- I sent him a sexy picture. After that, he gave in and came over.
We slept together that night and the sex was amazing. I felt like I was living on the edge. I'd never done anything that bad before. He stayed and talked with me for a long time afterwards too. Before he left, we went for another round. I also have never felt as attracted to someone I've slept with as I was to him. We both agreed this could be the only time it would happen since he had a GF. I tried to make the promise to myself I wouldn't let it affect my life and I could be okay with one time. I also knew he was getting ready to transition to a new company and I wouldn't see him much anyway.
A couple of days later he asked me how I was feeling. We both agreed we had fun and then he told me he and his GF were moving in together and we could not talk again. It just so happened the previous day I ran into an ex who wanted to work out things with me, so I was considering that (that did not work out). I was disappointed that somehow our hot night did not cause his affections to turn to me alone, but I knew I had to be realistic. I cried a day later when I heard that Sugarland song about being the other woman on the radio. But I made peace with myself and decided to forget about what happened.
One month later, I was starting to put him out my mind. Every once in a while, I would see his girlfriend’s posts and pics on facebook and feel a twinge of jealousy, but I knew it was what it was. We hadn't spoken at all. One day, I was minding my own business, and he sent me a text. He told me he had a racy dream about me and couldn't get me off his mind. I thought about entertaining his thoughts for awhile, but then I finally told him it was wrong and we couldn't talk anymore. A few days later though, I had changed my mind. It was at that point we started sending dirty texts, pictures, and videos to each other. We even had “phone sex” over skype one night. I was scared that one day these things could leak out, but I also knew he wouldn't dare leak anything because I could just as easily rat him out to his gf. There were several times when we would make plans to get together and one of us would break it off, most of the time being me because I felt so guilty.
During the summer, we hadn't been talking for about a month... but I started to miss him, and I practically begged him to see me again. We slept together for the second time. Then a month or two later, we met up again very quickly. This time, he was rushing through the sex and practically ran out of my house. He said he had some things to do and someone kept texting him. He told me he was sorry, but he would come see me later in the week and it would be a longer visit. It was the worst experience with him, and that's when I really started feeling used. However, there was a lot going on at that time, and I could understand why he was so stressed and anxious. A week or so later, I was texting him to see when he would be coming to see me again, but he kept saying he had all kinds of things going on. After the second time I asked him, and he said he was too busy, I told him to contact me when he was available. He never reached out to me though. I eventually went through the motions of crying about it again, but resolving this would be the last of it. I was angry, guilty, and attached all at once. I knew that this was a mess and he didn’t deserve me anyway. I also didn’t want the gf to be hurt either. This had gone on far too long, and I was really starting to fall for him.
A few months passed. I didn’t think about him nearly as much, but when I did I was angry more than anything. But I ignored all my feelings though and really tried to think the best thoughts I could. I had deleted his number and deleted our friendship on facebook. On Thanksgiving, he texted me happy thanksgiving. I scoffed, but deep inside I wondered why he was trying to talk to me again. I thought, well maybe it was a group message. I sent a short reply wishing him the same but didn’t hear from him again. I really felt peace and thought it was over for good. It was also getting close to the new year and I had resolved to put poisonous relationships out of my life.
One night, I went bar hopping with some girlfriends and ran into K from work again. If you remember, she was the girl from the beginning of the story that always had lunch with him at work. I was really drunk that night and had started thinking about him. When I saw her, it only made it worse and I came out and told her that we had hung out a few times and hooked up. I never gave her the details of the relationship. I told her he texted me on thanksgiving, and she says she didn’t get a text even though they were good friends. She told me that she couldn’t believe he never took things further because he used to tell her how pretty I was at work. She would encourage him to talk to me, but he never did. She also told me he and his GF had broken up for a while, which he failed to tell me. She made it sound like they didn’t have a good relationship but I also knew K and the GF didn’t get along because the GF was jealous of her. She said she would talk to him because she “could get him to do anything”. I told her not to, but then in a drunken moment I told her it would be okay for her to talk to him but be careful.
I haven’t heard much about that again, but a couple of weeks later he texted me. He only wanted to talk about sex though, so I knew nothing had changed. I felt used, even though so many times that was all I thought I wanted and I seduced him so many times. I tried to ignore him. In January, he texted me again trying to get with me. I told him no again, and not to talk to me if he only wanted to talk about sex. He kept saying he wanted to do it again just one last time, but I knew better it wouldn’t be one last time. I was really trying to do the right thing at this point. Well, I had another drunken night in January and I ended up texting him because I felt alone. It started a fire again. One week ago we met up again at his place and slept together. It was great sex again… not the best we ever had but it was good. And he kissed me a lot more than he usually does, and even walked me to my car and kissed me outside before I left. He made a couple of mentions of us getting together again when his girlfriend wasn’t staying over. I knew it was wrong, but a part of me had started feeling like no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t fight my feelings for him. I didn’t text him first after this, he texted me twice last week. When I reply though, he doesn’t always reply back. It’s very short conversations, like asking me what’s up. Now it’s been 5 days, and I have yet to hear from him again. I know Valentine’s was last week and I feel like he’s resolved again to be faithful to his GF.
Now, I know very well what I should do and that I need to resolve within myself to change. I am very spiritual and this whole situation has brought me a great deal of unrest and chaos in my spirit. A major problem too, is the friends I confide in tell me that he isn’t worth it, he’s a douche, and doesn’t deserve me. I know I deserve a better relationship and situation, but I don’t think it necessarily means he doesn’t deserve me. They say if he did it to her, he’ll do it to me. I feel we’ve both done equal amounts of seducing and begging, and maybe my friends who give me advice don’t see all that – or they just take my side. I don’t think I should be playing victim, but I also don’t feel totally at fault. Although, one of my friends told me the other day it doesn’t really matter who is right or wrong, it’s now about doing what’s right and moving on.
However, I sometimes wonder if maybe I make him better in my own mind. I am so tied to him now, that I can’t help but feel heartbroken over the whole situation. Now there’s a part of me that wants to call him and talk this out, but there’s a huge part of me that doesn’t feel comfortable or like I have a right to do that. For as intimate as we have been, I feel like I hardly know him. But all I want to do is talk to him now… I thought about just telling him that we really need to sit down and have a long talk, even if just for closure, but would that really resolve anything?
There’s always the part of me that dreams about us really being together, but I do realize this is very unrealistic at this point. ba
I can just block his number again and move on with my life without saying a word. But I know his number by heart and I think I might be weak again and go back to him.
The thing is, I don’t know what to do about it anymore. Thoughts anyone?