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I Never Thought I'd Be That Girl....

(I hope someone can make it through this long story and give me some unbiased advice – I really need it.)
In September of 2011, I began working with a man who really caught my eye. I could tell by body language that we both found each other attractive, but we were both too shy to talk to each other. I worked at a large company, so we didn't see each other too often. We would always smile at each other when we were in the same room. Fast forward to March of 2012 and we begin to make verbal contact. He came into my building one day and started making casual conversation but it was flirty. I could feel the sexual tension between us. I asked another girl I worked with about him, and she told me he had a girlfriend. I was aggravated, but just figured oh well. He eventually added me as a friend on facebook and I would scope it his profile every now and then... he definitely had a cute girlfriend. We would continue speaking to each other once in awhile in the cafeteria while he sat with another female coworker who was his good friend. I will call her K, because she eventually comes back into the picture.
I found out that we went to the same high school, so I started corresponding with him through work email about it. Our emails started getting flirtier when he told me I would win an award at work for having the best smile. One day shortly after, I bumped into him at a restaurant near work. He and his girlfriend, along with her daughter, were dining there. Meeting the girlfriend felt so awkward to me. She seemed suspicious of me already, as if she could feel the sexual tension between us too. But she was nice enough, so I shrugged it off. I was bummed that this cute guy I was flirting with was unavailable, but I was not the type to take something away from someone else. As time went on, however, I started to feel the attraction growing. One day, after a long string of flirty emails, he messaged me on facebook after work. We talked for so long he gave me his phone number. I mentioned him having a girlfriend, but he said, "I can still talk and flirt." I don't know what he said that turned me on so much, I can't even remember, but next thing I know I was inviting him over to my house. We went back and forth about it all evening to the point where I wanted him so badly, I was starting to get very frustrated about his indecisiveness. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't decide if it was me seducing him or him seducing me. I knew we both wanted it. I even did something I would NEVER have done to entice him to come over -- I sent him a sexy picture. After that, he gave in and came over.

We slept together that night and the sex was amazing. I felt like I was living on the edge. I'd never done anything that bad before. He stayed and talked with me for a long time afterwards too. Before he left, we went for another round. I also have never felt as attracted to someone I've slept with as I was to him. We both agreed this could be the only time it would happen since he had a GF. I tried to make the promise to myself I wouldn't let it affect my life and I could be okay with one time. I also knew he was getting ready to transition to a new company and I wouldn't see him much anyway.

A couple of days later he asked me how I was feeling. We both agreed we had fun and then he told me he and his GF were moving in together and we could not talk again. It just so happened the previous day I ran into an ex who wanted to work out things with me, so I was considering that (that did not work out). I was disappointed that somehow our hot night did not cause his affections to turn to me alone, but I knew I had to be realistic. I cried a day later when I heard that Sugarland song about being the other woman on the radio. But I made peace with myself and decided to forget about what happened.
One month later, I was starting to put him out my mind. Every once in a while, I would see his girlfriend’s posts and pics on facebook and feel a twinge of jealousy, but I knew it was what it was. We hadn't spoken at all. One day, I was minding my own business, and he sent me a text. He told me he had a racy dream about me and couldn't get me off his mind. I thought about entertaining his thoughts for awhile, but then I finally told him it was wrong and we couldn't talk anymore. A few days later though, I had changed my mind. It was at that point we started sending dirty texts, pictures, and videos to each other. We even had “phone sex” over skype one night. I was scared that one day these things could leak out, but I also knew he wouldn't dare leak anything because I could just as easily rat him out to his gf. There were several times when we would make plans to get together and one of us would break it off, most of the time being me because I felt so guilty.
During the summer, we hadn't been talking for about a month... but I started to miss him, and I practically begged him to see me again. We slept together for the second time. Then a month or two later, we met up again very quickly. This time, he was rushing through the sex and practically ran out of my house. He said he had some things to do and someone kept texting him. He told me he was sorry, but he would come see me later in the week and it would be a longer visit. It was the worst experience with him, and that's when I really started feeling used. However, there was a lot going on at that time, and I could understand why he was so stressed and anxious. A week or so later, I was texting him to see when he would be coming to see me again, but he kept saying he had all kinds of things going on. After the second time I asked him, and he said he was too busy, I told him to contact me when he was available. He never reached out to me though. I eventually went through the motions of crying about it again, but resolving this would be the last of it. I was angry, guilty, and attached all at once. I knew that this was a mess and he didn’t deserve me anyway. I also didn’t want the gf to be hurt either. This had gone on far too long, and I was really starting to fall for him.
A few months passed. I didn’t think about him nearly as much, but when I did I was angry more than anything. But I ignored all my feelings though and really tried to think the best thoughts I could. I had deleted his number and deleted our friendship on facebook. On Thanksgiving, he texted me happy thanksgiving. I scoffed, but deep inside I wondered why he was trying to talk to me again. I thought, well maybe it was a group message. I sent a short reply wishing him the same but didn’t hear from him again. I really felt peace and thought it was over for good. It was also getting close to the new year and I had resolved to put poisonous relationships out of my life.
One night, I went bar hopping with some girlfriends and ran into K from work again. If you remember, she was the girl from the beginning of the story that always had lunch with him at work. I was really drunk that night and had started thinking about him. When I saw her, it only made it worse and I came out and told her that we had hung out a few times and hooked up. I never gave her the details of the relationship. I told her he texted me on thanksgiving, and she says she didn’t get a text even though they were good friends. She told me that she couldn’t believe he never took things further because he used to tell her how pretty I was at work. She would encourage him to talk to me, but he never did. She also told me he and his GF had broken up for a while, which he failed to tell me. She made it sound like they didn’t have a good relationship but I also knew K and the GF didn’t get along because the GF was jealous of her. She said she would talk to him because she “could get him to do anything”. I told her not to, but then in a drunken moment I told her it would be okay for her to talk to him but be careful.
I haven’t heard much about that again, but a couple of weeks later he texted me. He only wanted to talk about sex though, so I knew nothing had changed. I felt used, even though so many times that was all I thought I wanted and I seduced him so many times. I tried to ignore him. In January, he texted me again trying to get with me. I told him no again, and not to talk to me if he only wanted to talk about sex. He kept saying he wanted to do it again just one last time, but I knew better it wouldn’t be one last time. I was really trying to do the right thing at this point. Well, I had another drunken night in January and I ended up texting him because I felt alone. It started a fire again. One week ago we met up again at his place and slept together. It was great sex again… not the best we ever had but it was good. And he kissed me a lot more than he usually does, and even walked me to my car and kissed me outside before I left. He made a couple of mentions of us getting together again when his girlfriend wasn’t staying over. I knew it was wrong, but a part of me had started feeling like no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t fight my feelings for him. I didn’t text him first after this, he texted me twice last week. When I reply though, he doesn’t always reply back. It’s very short conversations, like asking me what’s up. Now it’s been 5 days, and I have yet to hear from him again. I know Valentine’s was last week and I feel like he’s resolved again to be faithful to his GF.
Now, I know very well what I should do and that I need to resolve within myself to change. I am very spiritual and this whole situation has brought me a great deal of unrest and chaos in my spirit. A major problem too, is the friends I confide in tell me that he isn’t worth it, he’s a douche, and doesn’t deserve me. I know I deserve a better relationship and situation, but I don’t think it necessarily means he doesn’t deserve me. They say if he did it to her, he’ll do it to me. I feel we’ve both done equal amounts of seducing and begging, and maybe my friends who give me advice don’t see all that – or they just take my side. I don’t think I should be playing victim, but I also don’t feel totally at fault. Although, one of my friends told me the other day it doesn’t really matter who is right or wrong, it’s now about doing what’s right and moving on.
However, I sometimes wonder if maybe I make him better in my own mind. I am so tied to him now, that I can’t help but feel heartbroken over the whole situation. Now there’s a part of me that wants to call him and talk this out, but there’s a huge part of me that doesn’t feel comfortable or like I have a right to do that. For as intimate as we have been, I feel like I hardly know him. But all I want to do is talk to him now… I thought about just telling him that we really need to sit down and have a long talk, even if just for closure, but would that really resolve anything?
There’s always the part of me that dreams about us really being together, but I do realize this is very unrealistic at this point. based on everything he has said and done, I am certain that he looks at this as only sexual.
I can just block his number again and move on with my life without saying a word. But I know his number by heart and I think I might be weak again and go back to him.
The thing is, I don’t know what to do about it anymore. Thoughts anyone?
franlovesjewels franlovesjewels 26-30, F 19 Responses Feb 18, 2013

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Thanks everyone for your kind responses. I do want to better my life and I've decided to make sure this stops. He tried to contact me once last week, and I talked with him for a bit, but I knew what it was and not to let my emotions rule over me. I'm trying to be better than this. I'm moving on now, but I needed affirmation from every side I could think of.

Are you in love with the guy or the drama? Those stolen moments, secret glances, sly touches, double talk and sexual innuendo sound like more fun than actually doing him. The fact that he's unavailable only heightens the experience. That's a lot more exciting to think about than quarterly reports or whatever you do at work all day. That sexual fever pitch came to a head, the bubble burst, now he's bored (although w/a girlfriend & a chick on the side I don't know how) and searching for another toy. Aren't you worth a little more than that? Do you have anything naughty on him? If you do call it a draw, and never make eye contact with him again. Delete him from your phone, Facebook, and imagination.
I think in real life he's a creep, you just haven't been allowed the time to discover it for yourself. If you don't have anything nasty on him, you will just have to suck it up that he has whatever he has on you and. Hope it's in the bottom of a pile along with his other conquests bad judgement. Oh well. You live and learn. Good luck

Stay away. If you were enjoying it that would be different but your not. I know its hard but go out with friends, meet other guys. Life is too short to miserable.

I think you know what you have to do. You need to stop this now. Think about how you would feel if you were in the other girl's shoes. It's not right. Some guys just want to have sex. I know he must like you more than that because he keeps seeing you, but he wants to have his cake and eat it too. This is wrong. All of it. You deserve a guy who is faithful to you. Tell this guy that unless he is single and willing to try things out with you, this can not happen ever again.

I agree... Thanks.

the other m=woman is a girlfriend..why would he stay with her and want you too? it isnt like they are married or even engaged...sweetie..sorry ..he is playing you..check out some psts here about guys wanting to have a woman on the side..an extra thier b team..he isnt married to this woman so it inst like to get rid of her would require anythj g legal or even moral..you had a fling he keeps going back to her..i have been there..and he isnt going to pick the smarter prettier girl..you..he is going to pick the one he can control..sorry it is just the way some men are..I would love my ex boyfrmed to the end of time..but he isnt going ot leave his girlfriend for me...he has her wrapped around his finger..in her world he is the best thing she can hope for..i can hope fpr more and so can you ..hope for the best prepare for the worst..you can do it..

I never though I would be that girl too, but I was! I made a website for this computer spy app that I put on my ex's laptop. Made me realize that its time to leave him! <br />
<br />
cheatinghusbandhelp.com

I have had the same thing happen to me soo I met up with him and talked and went our sepritt way we talk ever now and then but yeah... Just talk to him it will make it a lil better but no matter wat u will always think about him he was just like my special friend lol I was really just his rebound

Girl, I got a girlfriend but married. The truth is this guy wants the sex but no commitment. He lusts for you and every time he gets between your legs he offloads the drive and then he is satisfied. After a long time he thinks about your legs again and the urge to conquer comes back and he comes back. Please forget him , move on with your life he is not the last man standing

a very short answer of this long story
u liked that freak but he doesnt deserve u n whatever has happened in the past is past.if u keep on thinking about ur past all the time then definately u will spoil ur present n future. the most important thing for u is be happy always. love urself like urself n most important respect urself and learn from this so that it never happens again leave him asap n talk to someone u trust the most. seriously it helps in weak moments.
dont judge urself because whatever has happened in past u cannot change it but what u can change is ur future. u said u r spiritual then believe in god n love urself. n next time fall for the person who loves u not ur body because if one cannot be satisfied with one person then he can never get satisfied with 1000. take care

I was also remembering last night the one time he really opened up to me. It was after the second time we had sex. I remember him telling me he felt so much pressure from his relationship with his GF. I remember saying if he wasn't happy, then why didn't he just leave? He said he loved her and they have been friends a long time, but also that her daughter's real father was a complete jerk, and he felt like he needed to be there. (Which is slightly hypocritical huh???) I do know that he personally has some father issues, but I don't know they real extent of it, just know he has had a strained relationship with his dad. I don't think that even remotely has anything to do with him leaving her for me, but I did wonder if he would eventually realize he cannot stay in the relationship for someone else's child's sake. I think about that night alot, and I sometimes wish I could talk to him about his life too. But I have to know, I can't fix his problems...

Sadly, I agree...

Thanks everyone for your responses. Based on everything that has been posted here, and the advice of my friends, I have to keep him out of my life for good. I feel like it's been affirmed to me over and over again the last couple of weeks how bad this situation is, and I need to rid it from my life. Even though I've been judged in a lot of ways from this situation (and rightly so), it's also good to know I have support from friends and even strangers even though I've been so wrong. It's hard and it hurts, but I'm ready to stop being treated like **** from guys. I'm actually reading a book called Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. It's a really good book from a woman who was the other woman to a married man, and help to explain why we fall for unavailable men and how they find us. I know I'm at fault in a lot of ways, but I also need to keep my eyes open to the fact that he used me too. I really wish I could go back, but I can't. :-/ Ce la vie, right?

I know that you don't want to tell his girlfriend but I think it would be for the best. I mean, that guy is a cheater. I think with no offence to you that if he did it to you he can very possibly do it to some other girl. You should tell his girlfriend so she understands what kind of a relationship she's in. As for you, I think that you will need a guide or a helper. Someone who can keep you away from all this and is close to you. I'm sure that you'll find your right life mate but that is not this guy. Best of luck.

I really don't want to do that. He has some very bad photos and videos of me. (I still can't believe I did that!!!!) I guess that's proof I can't really trust him. :(

Wait one second, you do not want to tell her because it creates a bad image of you. I agree with you that she won't be understanding if you do decide to tell her but if you don't and if he does something like this again, imagine what could happen. I don't want anyone to be caught up in a situation like this but I do strongly believe that she deserves to know. Imagine the relationship going forward and if she finds on later. It would be a lot easier on her if she knew now. I don't mean to hurt you and I know your in a tight spot. It's your call but you came here looking for advice. I think instead of everyone here who's pitying you and sharing your concern, you should actually hear out the people who are trying to find a solution for you. Once again, I don't mean to cause you discomfort, I'm just pointing out my view of the incident. Good luck and may God be with you to help all the way.

Thank you for your advice... it's more than just my reputation. I really don't want to cause anymore unnecessary drama. I'm removing myself out of this situation completely.

I also don't think people are just pitying me, they are helping me find the solution.

Well that's good. I'm happy that you have made up your mind.

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I am very sorry for the emotional and physical pain you feel!!!! Been through a few of those myself, it is truly no fun at all. I has been my observation that we usually know, or at least have a good idea of, what we should or need to do. What we need to someone to help us confirm this to our self. As I read your story, it sounds to me like you want to end this on again off again, and as you said, being used. To me I also feel like you have been used and I agree with you. Gather the courage you need to follow though. I do not know that I have any answers or advice, but if you need some one to visit with, get in touch.
Best of luck and may you find peace in your life.

I'm sorry this is so sad. However, I would encourage you to separate sex from emotional feelings and ties. It sounded like you went in knowing it was sexual. It still is. You must be careful not to mistake flirting and sex for more than it is.

What is about this guy that you think would be good in a relationship? List them. This is the beginning of your list for finding a man that is available and starting a friendship with him before offering yourself to him. You can use this to grow and know more about what you want from a man.

I wish you the best. We all go through these sort of learning experiences.

Sad story. My questions are: why would yo let someone direspect you and use you like that. (he's a player) and WHY on earth would you want someone like that? He would cheat on you too! you could never trust him. Love yourself enough and give yourself some time to heal and decide what you want in life and don't let someone destroy who you are or want to be. Life is to short to let someone suck the life out of you.

I agree! I don't know why I've let it happen. I think my self esteem was a lot lower than I thought. I also remembered last night that when we first got together, I wanted to make it seem like I was a bad girl, even though I really wasn't...

it's easy to say move on but its really up to your will power.
seems to me like he enjoys the thrill of getting caught more than actually wanting to be with you. and this person your calling k is obviously not important to him at all if she didn't even get a happy thanksgiving you should be careful of the girls that want to help willingly. it seems to me like in his own twisted way hes in love with his girl, hence the reason he only texts when hes truly given into temptation. when you say no he may feel like your a challenge that he doesn't understand which may drive him into wanting more but only until after he's had his fun.
he's selfish to be honest.
Just don't allow yourself to be that girl after all your friends are right if this is how he's treating his current girl if he was to leave her for you will you be able to trust him enough to actually build a relationship upon. im talking as a girl that has been on both sides of the door

the guy seems like a ****. I did have an affair, but I ended up truly loving the woman who I was having the affair with. I would see her everyday, would listen to her, would support her,it was far from being just about sex, (although it ended in heartbreak) but that is not how it sounds that it is with this guy. I dont know, it just doesnt seem like he cares for you, just likes you because you're hot.

you seem like a decent young woman, do yourself a favor & forget this creep. I'm sure that there are plenty of decent guys that would love to treat you like thier queen.

Good luck my dear.

Honestly, I would tell him to his face to **// off. I never knew I was dating a married man but he showed me constant love. He also always texted me and emailed me despite being married. He always tried and we even met just to hang out most of the times we never had sex. I remember feeling the jealousy once I knew he was married but he always told me I had his heart and no one else including his wife. He has filed for a divorce and we are going VERY strong. This guy is using you. I wouldn't imagine being used like that. Kick him to the curb, find someone else, take pictures and put them on Facebook so he can see you are happy with someone else. He feels like he has you whenever he needs you.. He's controlling the relationship, don't let him.

I'll try not to say anything mean, even though I despise horrible people like you. Anyways, don't fall for this guy. His priorities are messed up and if he can lie to his girlfriend (and her child), what makes you think he wont lie to you? I'd move on, unless maybe you guys were meant for each other and will make each other miserable in the end. Next time, have some respect for that lady and keep it in your pants.

Interesting response...
I can understand why you despise people "like me". Before all this happened, I would have despised someone "like me" too. I feel like I turned into a monster with him. I've known a lot of people who have cheated, some that I have loved, some I didn't, and I thought they were crazy and ruining their lives (maybe that still holds true). I feel as though my actions over the last year are not really me though.

I don't understand why you replied to me though, or even in this forum period. This is called "I am the other woman." If you don't like those women, then don't post on our stories. Because what you said was mean, and under the the comment box it says to post with authenticity, support, and respect. Although I do respect your authenticity. I posted here to see responses from women who have been there and understand.

Sorry, didn't mean to get all emotional. I just truly dislike homewreckers.

Harrie, thank you for sticking up for me. I do get where she is coming from though because that would have been me a few years ago. I couldn't stand cheaters!!! But now I think there is always much more to the story than people see.

Wow what is your deal Harrie? I said I was sorry, Atleast I can do that and recognize my faults. Don't call me a child, you don't even know who I am. If you support homewreckers, maybe you need to take a step back and realize who the real child here is.

And sorry franlovesjewels, I should really keep my nose out of things that will just anger me. I really do hope you make the right decision.

redchevelle...The deal is you start off your comment with "I'll try not to say anything mean, even though I despise horrible people like you". That makes us question who you are and why you choose to comment on a forum you are so clearly against. So we see you are young and your groups have no connection to this group. You stand in total judgement calling her a horrible person and a homewrecker. Yes, you apologized. Next time you are angererd, take a breath and gather your thoughts before you lash out with hurtful comments. We are here to support and not break each other down.

I understand. Thank you.

4 More Responses

Change your work , your place , your phone number
and look for someone that you love ( not just feeling atracted to him ) , someone that will not just want to be your boyfriend , some that he'll want to marry you .

Karaka, I agree with you in that... I've been praying for the right person to come along. I'm social and I put myself out there, but he hasn't come yet. Anyway, neither he nor I work at that place anymore. I can't change where I live, but I am considering calling my service and blocking his number. I feel that will probably be the next step...