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(Im)patiently Waiting..

I met him when I first started my job 4 years ago. He has been married for 8 years and has 2 kids ages 4 and 7. 2 years ago he had his first affair with me. It was supposed to be a one time thing. However, it lit the spark for both of us. About 5 months ago we stopped resisting and started seeing each other again. We are either on the phone, texting or are together every possible second. He stays out all night with me and gets home just before she gets up at 4:30am.  He was talking about leaving her long before I ever came into the picture and tells me that his leaving her has nothing to do with me but sometimes I still feel guilty. He tells me he loves me and that I make him happier than he's ever been. He says he's trying to get everything "in order" before he leaves her and he's hanging around to make sure that things go smoothly for the kids. What the heck is that supposed to mean?! He had a consultaion with a divorce attorney 2-3 weeks ago but hasn't been back or talked to him since. He now says it's just a matter of getting the money together to pay for it. Is this just an excuse? We are both catching a hard time at work. Our coworkers have picked up on the little changes in us and know something's up. What if someone were to call his wife? I secretly almost wish someone would. Then at least she would leave him and the waiting game would be over. I hate wishing for someone to get hurt. I hate feeling like this but he says he wants to be with me and begs for a little more time. Ugh. Any advise? Am I just young and stupid? (He is 10 years older than me)

iekikah iekikah 22-25 9 Responses Aug 28, 2008

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What makes you think he won't do it with you too? Kids will hate you. Men like that are the worst kind to fall for. You're blurred in the mind.

i've been in and am still currently in a similar situation. i went through the same thing two years ago with my married man. we started four years ago, then he decided this was it… but then saw how miserable his children were. he leaned on me greatly during that time and i motioned that he should *try* and make things work at home.
things aren't better for him, but his children are happy. that's all that matters to him.
having me on the side for emotional and sexual support i'm sure helps him through it to.
truthfully, i'm unsure if there's any advice to be had.
it's so difficult to be mindful when it comes to being emotionally manipulated. i'm in the same predicament. except i made him make things right with his family. and its two years later, and i'm hanging on, trying to learn to let go.
remember you are young and theres someone out there deserving of your warmth and kindness

That also applies to yourself. Four years is a long time to invest in someone. I pray that you find the strength needed to move on in move forward with your life. I understand how you don't want to be the reason a family is broken up, in because of that you need to really try in cut it off with him.

Thank you. So much.
I suppose i have lost a great deal of my self worth and what I deserve. These issues run much deeper than this affair, unfortunately. It's merely exasperated them.
Why I came here was to not feel so alone and learn to move forward.

You can do it. It a mental thing at this point in time. You have to believe that you deserve better. Being in an affair messes with your mind. Get to the root in start from there.

When I saw an attorney for my divorce I gave him a 1500 dollar retainer fee. My husband was served within 10 days. There is a 6 month waiting period in Wis. before the divorce can go into court. Took 13 months to get into court. Are you sure he talked to an attorney, or is he just telling you he did? Prior to the divorce we had to go into court so the judge can order a stop on any large amounts being taken from bank accounts or any property being sold. A hold is basically placed on all marital property. That happened about 6 wks after I filed. My total cost for divorce was 6,500. My guess is the attorney told him what he was going to loose and how much child support he was going to have to pay. My guess is he figured out he can't afford to be divorced. So he is going to play with your feelings till you dump him.

I think he might be playing you , your young ,obviously sweet and he's using that to his advantage , I would put things on hold till he makes his choice and you see movement , maybe start dating others ,you never know what might come along

you make me feel sick i cant believe you, you know full well he has kids and yet your pressuring him into being with you?, you're absolutely disgusting and you don't deserve the air you breathe

Shut up....no idea

I would guess that you are going to be waiting a long time for him, if he ever leaves her!

By the way, mine is 15 years older than I am. <br />
<br />
Our stories are alike in so many ways.

I totally understand what you are going through here. I am the other woman and have been for 3 years. The situation you are in is almost the exact same situation I am in. <br />
My married guy also has 2 children, 15 and 16. He has told me from the beginning that he will stay in his marriage because he will not abandon his children. He tells me that as soon as his oldest is out of the house he is going to ask for a divorce. He also has spoken to a divorce lawyer and has done nothing more. I had to chuckle when I read the part that you secretly want her to find out so that it will finally be over because I have thought that same exact thing. <br />
The bottom line for me is that I do love him. I am not so naive as to think that he will definitely leave her as soon as the oldest has graduated. Quite the contrary. I believe he will do what is right when the time comes. There is also the possibility that she will find out and divorce him sooner. All I know is that in my situation his actions speak volumes...and I know he loves me.<br />
<br />
I wish you luck.

What if the wife finds out and doesn't leave him? What if they decide together that all the years that they have been together, are worth fighting for? You seem to be banking on him telling you the truth &amp; the wife so easily willing to give up her life &amp; her family. It's just something to consider.

Watch out, and I speak from experience. When I used to drink I had an extreme lack of concience, common sense, and morals. I dated a married man, who eventually dumped his wife, and then dumped me. Do you seriously think that a man who cheats on his wife is "mister right"? I wonder how his children are going to feel once this all comes out. I am by no means trying to lecture you, just asking you to rethink what you are doing. I still feel greatly ashamed of what I have done..believe me, the guilt WILL catch up with you. What happend when he is with you, and then finds his little piece on the side?

I am 3 yrs close to 4 out of divorce of my husband of 29 yrs. You are correct about the children. Our children haven't talked to him since the divorce. Our children are 29 and 30. They have no respect left for their father. My X sends no cards or makes an attempt at mending bridges. I can't really say if it is his doing or the women he was having an affair with. My children were told by my X's mother during the divorce that they are grown and do not need their father any more. That he has a new family now. Our children have no contact with his side of the family. That really manifested itself when my daughter got married last summer. Her brother walked her down the aisle. My son was up north fishing and said he saw his dad in a bar. He said he looked him in his face and all he saw was great sadness. I really don't know if the relationship will ever be repaired.