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The Other Woman

i met a guy who had a serious G/F and child about 2 weeks before Christmas. I so didn't want to be attracted to him because of this but....... I was.  One week before Christmas he told his Ex about us ( had spent the entire weekend with me) and she upset so upset that she gave him a choice.. her with whom he had a 1 yr old and had been with for 4 yrs or me whom he had known less than 2 weeks.  On his daughters  first birthday he moved out 3 days before CHRISTMAS! 

The guy and are so happy together.  Even with all the stress that can come from a situation like this we manage to laugh all the time.  My problem is that my happiness is at the other woman's expense and I cant shake the guilty feeling.  I'm not the one who cheated and as soon as it happened he went home and told her but every time she calls part of me wants to tell her how sorry I am and the other part wants to celebrate because i have never felt like this with anyone else before in my life.  i who LOVES to sleep in am actually getting up 1 hour ahead of schedule just to make him breakfast.   I wonder if the guilt and pain will go away or if every time we go pick up his child will i feel this close to getting my butt kicked by her as she stares me down from the window??  And if she does retaliate i probably deserve it huh?

lilibuggs lilibuggs 26-30, F 59 Responses Jan 3, 2007

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seven years on, I wonder what the status of this relationship is?

Having a small child challenges any relationship. Babies need care in the middle of the night, parents do not get any sleep, intimacy suffers because the baby comes first. He found a way to escape from the most difficult period in a young relationship. It's a shame for her that he was not up to the task. Of course their relationship changed drastically. For most of us it is worth the changes but for some it strains the relationship to the breaking point. Not every one is cut out to be a parent. Some men are very selfish and get jealous of the time the mother spends with the baby. She cannot dote on him and get up to make him breakfast if the baby needs her at the same time. Even her best efforts towards him are not going to be what they were before because now they are three and not two.
It is good that you feel empathy for her. How could she not feel abandoned and betrayed? When she looks at their baby, she sees herself and she sees the baby's dad. She will always be connected to him through his child and so will you. If she seems angry right now, please give her space for that anger. She has to grieve the loss of her partner, her image of her future, and her hopes for her baby to have a mom and dad together in the home as s/he grows up. There is a lot of loss, not just the loss of the mom and dad's relationship.
You are good to be mindful of this. You do not need to apologize for caring. It says a lot about you that you do not want her to hurt so much. All the best.

Very well written

Don't blame yourself, if it wasn't you it would have been someone else because clearly something lacked in his relationship with her or he wouldn't have made such a drastic decision in such a short amount of time. What they lacked in their relationship had nothing to do with you so don't blame yourself for being happy, you deserve that just as much as anyone else!

jenn80 what happen to her.....

Zombie thread alert - this story is over 6 years old. The author is long gone from EP.

omg you are a cheap baby setter...... he out havening fun your home watches the childrens for him ,,,, i guess that would work out maybe he with his exgirlfriend.....your baby sitting ... for them....

your right jenn80.....i did look at the date....

He's done it once, what makes you think he wont do it again. Just be careful that your heart doesnt break because of him.

becareful he may do you the same way ,,,, he did ex girlfriend.....

Have You Ever Been With Someone, then Meet another while still involved and say to Yourself - I get along and seem to hit it off better with this new person, friend. Ask anyone it happens all the time. Thank You For Sharing Your Heart ! Good Luck !!!

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Just be careful. He will go through stages of guilt as much as you. That means he may go back
and forth between the two of you, and that when it gets even harder

the guilt will never go away .......

It's sad he bailed like that. My bf of 4yrs told me he had feelings for another woman (right before Christmas) he had two choices...stay with me & his two year old son or bail and go be with the other girl that he just met and never see his son again. We did brake up for a little but but we overcome it and now are much much better. I believe I know who the girl was but I'm not 100% sure. But I don't even care anymore. Because its the pass. But if he would of bailed like that I can't even say how I would feel...

Anyone who can leave a partner and two small innocent children for someone he has known for only two weeks..... beware. what's it like living with someone who can up sticks and go instantly no matter how much you have invested in him. He doesn't care about anyone other than himself... his partner has a tiny baby and a one year old... what do you think she is going through right now. I've been there.... absolute hell like nothing you will ever have experienced .... yet.

I know this is an old thread, but how could you be with someone who would walk out on his family on hid daughter's birthday???

It's total nonsense that she didn't take him away from his children (yes he bears even more responsibility but she's not blameless). He was there every day, waking up and bedtime and holidays and sickness and those in between times. Now he's a part time dad probably being superficially indulgent which is not necessarily in their interests to balm his conscience. As if playing ball or buying sweets will make them forgive him. <br />
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I'll never forgive my dad for cheating on Mom and you'd be surprised how much of that damage is added by the other woman.

He is still involved with his child has not a dead beat he clearly chose who he wanted and at least u got what u wanted in still the other girlfriend while has a girlfriend and two teenage daughters

I'm going through a similar situation, but in my case, he is not married to his ex, and they have not been in a relationship at all since 2010. We started dating in March, and they were not living together. But in April, his ex and their son were kicked out of their apartment and he moved them back in his apartment. He said it is just for financial reasons because they had nowhere to go and his ex just works part time, so she can't afford any home. I am not sure if they are sleeping together or having sex. He said that it is not happening, that they are only living like roommates, but I am upset with the situation. I don't mind his kid living with him, but I'm not sure what's happening between him and her. She and their son know that he's dating me. It's just a matter of time. I just hope that now that she finished a training she can work full time, get a better job, and move out again. I'm still in the shadows...

I don't think we all are meant to be with one person all our life. If it happens for some people, they are the lucky ones. For others it is not the case. Statistics show only a few percentage of relationships last with just one person. When relationships break because of an attraction to another person, we should not jump to conclusions. We need to examine the drivers for such attraction. Human behaviour is not perfect!

This man bailed on his marriage in a really messed up way. He absolutely is responsible for not getting out of the marriage before he got with you. <br />
For me, while I appreciate your concern for his ex, I still find your choice to be careless. Maybe I hold women to a higher standard than men. I think that because our gender does seem to feel more then most men, that we should know better then to mess with married men. Did you really think that his wife would be okay with the two of you hooking up? Of course you didn't. I'm sure you understood that this could hurt her deeply, regardless of the state of their marriage too. It's a betrayal of the worst kind. <br />
All I'm saying is that yes, its a drag that he told his wife before you were ready, but I'm not feeling too bad for you. Maybe she wasn't ready for that burst of honesty either, or to be a single mom. I would give it some time before extending an olive branch. Just do right by the child, that would be doing the right thing.

Just be careful, dear. It's a terrible thing that HE did what he did to his wife and right before Christmas. But, anyway, we all do hope for happy endings, even if they aren't exactly conventional.

I just think that you need to be careful with the whole situation. I think he made that decision way too fast. He barely knew you. I hope things have been good for you both.

That old saying is true the same way you got him will be the way you loose him. I wonder if the wife was a women he was cheating with also.

If you do get beat up or your house burned down just know you had it coming.

Really? I am sure that defense will go over well with a judge or jury before she goes to jail for attempted murder, assault and or arson in the first degree. No matter what happens in life, no matter how justified it feels retaliating in such a manner is never the right thing nor usually the legal thing to do. Ppl are not possesions, we cant own them, they dont belong to us

I have also been on both sides of this situation. Neither is fun, neither is easy. We don't ask for or look for this to happen. From either side! We "fall in love" and we fall out of love. I don't believe we can control it. Don't let anyone put you down or degrade you over it. It is what it is. You have enough guilt and pain of your own, don't let anyone compound it. Here is a saying that has helped me keep things in perspective....... Hear something and learn it, See something and believe it, Live something and understand it. <br />
I trust the people with the nasty comments have no flaws or faults? Made no mistakes. Have never hurt anyone intentionally or otherwise?? Ya right!

I agree with you...... she should retaliate and you deserve every ounce of crap she dishes out!!

you may need this because if he did it to his wife he will do it to you, unless you really believe your special, more than the mother of his children<br />
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good luck<br />
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ps... get the book anyway

Wow woman are so hard on each other. You did not cheat and you did not force him to cheat and he was going to cheat eventually if not with you then with someone. He wasn't happy at home. YOu have no reason to feel guilty or repent OMG are living in the dark ages should she wear a scarlet A on her chest.<br />
i don't believe that all people can remain monogamous, some people cheat. Get over it!

While you can't help who you fall in love with you can see if someone is unstable or not. This guy put little to no thought into leaving his family. Why was he so quick to seems like he may be emotionally unstable? Yowzers..good luck honey.

You feel quilty because you know it was wrong. Do unto others. You got to choose. They have a child together so she isn't going away any time soon. Please use birth control so there's not another child out there without a dad at home.