The Other Woman

i met a guy who had a serious G/F and child about 2 weeks before Christmas. I so didn't want to be attracted to him because of this but....... I was.  One week before Christmas he told his Ex about us ( had spent the entire weekend with me) and she upset so upset that she gave him a choice.. her with whom he had a 1 yr old and had been with for 4 yrs or me whom he had known less than 2 weeks.  On his daughters  first birthday he moved out 3 days before CHRISTMAS! 

The guy and are so happy together.  Even with all the stress that can come from a situation like this we manage to laugh all the time.  My problem is that my happiness is at the other woman's expense and I cant shake the guilty feeling.  I'm not the one who cheated and as soon as it happened he went home and told her but every time she calls part of me wants to tell her how sorry I am and the other part wants to celebrate because i have never felt like this with anyone else before in my life.  i who LOVES to sleep in am actually getting up 1 hour ahead of schedule just to make him breakfast.   I wonder if the guilt and pain will go away or if every time we go pick up his child will i feel this close to getting my butt kicked by her as she stares me down from the window??  And if she does retaliate i probably deserve it huh?

lilibuggs lilibuggs
26-30, F
54 Responses Jan 3, 2007

I like the term "zombie thread" but I am still going to respond to this. The original poster may never actually read it, but I was in a similar situation and wanted to share the things that I did that helped my situation.

First off, you say you aren't the one who cheated...but you got with a guy who you knew was taken. You contributed to him cheating and you knew about it. Because of that, you are responsible and do deserve to feel guilty and get your butt kicked. Don't play the victim when you knowingly got with him. It's not like you were unaware he was taken and a new father.

Just imagine if this guy did the same to you. You say you feel guilty...but what would happen if this guy gets you pregnant, cheats on you around the holidays, and finds someone new. Can you imagine what that would feel like? Because that's exactly how you made the mother of his child feel.

I can relate to this subject matter only a little. I met my (now) husband when he was with someone. So I backed off even though I had a huge crush on him. He then had a baby with the girl he was on/off again with. She is a horrible person. She eventually left him and turned into a crappy parent and left the kid, too. I started dating him then. He apparently had always had feelings for me too. Well his ex immediately hated me. She would shoot daggers every time we went to drop off the baby for visits with her or things like that. I only felt slightly guilty because I would have hated to have a baby with someone and then watch that person raise my baby with someone else. HOWEVER, there was no cheating involved. All I can say is that the ex situation may not get any easier, but if you guys have been together for a long time, she'll eventually have to accept that you aren't going anywhere.

I also wonder what the status of their relationship is considering this post is 8 years old! But hey, anyone who reads this might be able to get something out of it.

the way you backed off, waited until your man was single and available, i applaud that. i don't think many women(or men) would have done the same in your position.

seven years on, I wonder what the status of this relationship is?

Don't blame yourself, if it wasn't you it would have been someone else because clearly something lacked in his relationship with her or he wouldn't have made such a drastic decision in such a short amount of time. What they lacked in their relationship had nothing to do with you so don't blame yourself for being happy, you deserve that just as much as anyone else!

He's done it once, what makes you think he wont do it again. Just be careful that your heart doesnt break because of him.

Have You Ever Been With Someone, then Meet another while still involved and say to Yourself - I get along and seem to hit it off better with this new person, friend. Ask anyone it happens all the time. Thank You For Sharing Your Heart ! Good Luck !!!

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Just be careful. He will go through stages of guilt as much as you. That means he may go back
and forth between the two of you, and that when it gets even harder

the guilt will never go away .......

It's sad he bailed like that. My bf of 4yrs told me he had feelings for another woman (right before Christmas) he had two choices...stay with me & his two year old son or bail and go be with the other girl that he just met and never see his son again. We did brake up for a little but but we overcome it and now are much much better. I believe I know who the girl was but I'm not 100% sure. But I don't even care anymore. Because its the pass. But if he would of bailed like that I can't even say how I would feel...

Anyone who can leave a partner and two small innocent children for someone he has known for only two weeks..... beware. what's it like living with someone who can up sticks and go instantly no matter how much you have invested in him. He doesn't care about anyone other than himself... his partner has a tiny baby and a one year old... what do you think she is going through right now. I've been there.... absolute hell like nothing you will ever have experienced .... yet.

I know this is an old thread, but how could you be with someone who would walk out on his family on hid daughter's birthday???

It's total nonsense that she didn't take him away from his children (yes he bears even more responsibility but she's not blameless). He was there every day, waking up and bedtime and holidays and sickness and those in between times. Now he's a part time dad probably being superficially indulgent which is not necessarily in their interests to balm his conscience. As if playing ball or buying sweets will make them forgive him. <br />
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I'll never forgive my dad for cheating on Mom and you'd be surprised how much of that damage is added by the other woman.

He is still involved with his child has not a dead beat he clearly chose who he wanted and at least u got what u wanted in still the other girlfriend while has a girlfriend and two teenage daughters

I'm going through a similar situation, but in my case, he is not married to his ex, and they have not been in a relationship at all since 2010. We started dating in March, and they were not living together. But in April, his ex and their son were kicked out of their apartment and he moved them back in his apartment. He said it is just for financial reasons because they had nowhere to go and his ex just works part time, so she can't afford any home. I am not sure if they are sleeping together or having sex. He said that it is not happening, that they are only living like roommates, but I am upset with the situation. I don't mind his kid living with him, but I'm not sure what's happening between him and her. She and their son know that he's dating me. It's just a matter of time. I just hope that now that she finished a training she can work full time, get a better job, and move out again. I'm still in the shadows...

I don't think we all are meant to be with one person all our life. If it happens for some people, they are the lucky ones. For others it is not the case. Statistics show only a few percentage of relationships last with just one person. When relationships break because of an attraction to another person, we should not jump to conclusions. We need to examine the drivers for such attraction. Human behaviour is not perfect!

This man bailed on his marriage in a really messed up way. He absolutely is responsible for not getting out of the marriage before he got with you. <br />
For me, while I appreciate your concern for his ex, I still find your choice to be careless. Maybe I hold women to a higher standard than men. I think that because our gender does seem to feel more then most men, that we should know better then to mess with married men. Did you really think that his wife would be okay with the two of you hooking up? Of course you didn't. I'm sure you understood that this could hurt her deeply, regardless of the state of their marriage too. It's a betrayal of the worst kind. <br />
All I'm saying is that yes, its a drag that he told his wife before you were ready, but I'm not feeling too bad for you. Maybe she wasn't ready for that burst of honesty either, or to be a single mom. I would give it some time before extending an olive branch. Just do right by the child, that would be doing the right thing.

Just be careful, dear. It's a terrible thing that HE did what he did to his wife and right before Christmas. But, anyway, we all do hope for happy endings, even if they aren't exactly conventional.

I just think that you need to be careful with the whole situation. I think he made that decision way too fast. He barely knew you. I hope things have been good for you both.

That old saying is true the same way you got him will be the way you loose him. I wonder if the wife was a women he was cheating with also.

If you do get beat up or your house burned down just know you had it coming.

Really? I am sure that defense will go over well with a judge or jury before she goes to jail for attempted murder, assault and or arson in the first degree. No matter what happens in life, no matter how justified it feels retaliating in such a manner is never the right thing nor usually the legal thing to do. Ppl are not possesions, we cant own them, they dont belong to us

I have also been on both sides of this situation. Neither is fun, neither is easy. We don't ask for or look for this to happen. From either side! We "fall in love" and we fall out of love. I don't believe we can control it. Don't let anyone put you down or degrade you over it. It is what it is. You have enough guilt and pain of your own, don't let anyone compound it. Here is a saying that has helped me keep things in perspective....... Hear something and learn it, See something and believe it, Live something and understand it. <br />
I trust the people with the nasty comments have no flaws or faults? Made no mistakes. Have never hurt anyone intentionally or otherwise?? Ya right!

I agree with you...... she should retaliate and you deserve every ounce of crap she dishes out!!

you may need this because if he did it to his wife he will do it to you, unless you really believe your special, more than the mother of his children<br />
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good luck<br />
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ps... get the book anyway

Wow woman are so hard on each other. You did not cheat and you did not force him to cheat and he was going to cheat eventually if not with you then with someone. He wasn't happy at home. YOu have no reason to feel guilty or repent OMG are living in the dark ages should she wear a scarlet A on her chest.<br />
i don't believe that all people can remain monogamous, some people cheat. Get over it!

While you can't help who you fall in love with you can see if someone is unstable or not. This guy put little to no thought into leaving his family. Why was he so quick to seems like he may be emotionally unstable? Yowzers..good luck honey.

You feel quilty because you know it was wrong. Do unto others. You got to choose. They have a child together so she isn't going away any time soon. Please use birth control so there's not another child out there without a dad at home.

All I can say is, LOVE is an amazing thing. It will be able to empower you to go beyond your beliefs and do what you don't want to do. It was just "bad timing" that you met him under such circumstances. <br />
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When I met my husband, he was in a committed relationship with his girlfriend of 6 yrs (they have 3 kids). However, the relationship they had was really unhealthy. He was the provider and she stayed home with the kids. She don't cook, don't clean, and was always demeaning to him. For example, because my husband don't read (he was beaten by his biological father when he was born, so he had some brain damage and was incapable of reading), he was constantly told a dumbass and stupid. All the ex girlfriend did was played on the computer and text and called her mom and sisters. Dinner was rarely made. My husband will always come home to a dirty apartment and hungry kids. I've seen pictures of their old apartment and I described their apartment as a pig pen. Overall, she's nothing but a overweight, lazy woman..<br />
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Yes, many people might judge us as doing the wrong because we broke up a family. But yet, how healthy was it for the kids to hear and see that their parents had NO respect for each other and constant fighting were at home...??? Frankly, I don't know why he didn't leave her sooner. He was at a breaking point in the relationship in which he just wanted to end his life. He was that miserable....<br />
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I wouldn't try to cross path with that ex girlfriend of his. Regardless of what you do, she will hate you. You will always be the one to blame because she will see you responsible at the break up of the family. She will never look at herself at contributing to the failure of the relationship. Besides, what if this ex becomes evil and plays mind games with you after she befriends you??? <br />
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To give you some hope, I've been with my husband for a little over 3 years now. We have a son together and we are truly happy. We love each other very much. We have our fights and all, but that's in all relationships...<br />
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Noone is at fault when it comes to love and noone can really understand unless you've been there. As long as you are doing from your heart and you're not purposely trying to hurt people, then you are still a good person... Be strong! :)

I think the bottom line here is that he left his wife (girlfriend) with a CHILD 3 days before Christmas. That IMHO is very irresponsible on his part. Do not get pregnant or you just might find your self in the same position as the W. A very wise man once said to me if he cheats with you he'll cheat on you. I wonder if you looked into his past you might find a series of broken hearts. Please take a good long look and then decide your future. DO NOT just listen to him.

I have been the wife and now i am the other woman. all i know is that you can worry only about your happiness. after being cheated on, i said i would never be "that kind of girl" guess what. i fell in love knowing that i shouldnt and trying not to. things happen in your life and its not always good for everyone involved, but you have to worry about yourself. i have forgiven the woman that ended my marriage.... actually thanked her once... just once tho. hold onto the love you have for him and dont let the other ruin it. take care of yourself.

As far as I am concerned, if he went & told his GF about you as soon as you two got together & he saw you had something wonderful (which you obviously do), then that's a much more honorable thing to do than sneak around and continue an affair, while stringing you both along and disrespecting you both. It tells me he was at a tipping point already.<br />
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If you guys are serious about a long-term future, and preventing any kind of infidelity in your lives, go to & read up on their "INFIDELITY" section.<br />
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You are one of the 1% that beat the odds. The other 99% wish we could, but we know we never will. So take what you have, cherish it, but most of all work on it so you're not in the same situation as his GF. <br />
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She'll always be in your lives. Try to make peace with her at all costs, for the sake of his child. Write her a letter expressing your feelings of sorrow, but don't accuse her of anything. She's hurt already, and I'm sure she knows exactly what was wrong in their relationship, as well as why he was so ripe for a separation.

You ruined the poor kids family. I think you should always feel guilty about that just because you wanted to have sex with the guy. Of course everything feels happy and magical. wait until that fades away....then he'll leave your *** for someone new and exciting. It's women like you that make me sick to my stomach. He had a baby!!!!! Take your stupid attraction elsewhere.

You *****

Let's stick to issues and not stoop to name-calling. Not one of one on this forum is perfect, and I am sure we have all made choices we would go back and do differently if possible.

Lili, a man that cheats once will cheat again. Every time he goes out the door, makes a phone call, meets a new interesting woman @ work or just out with friends, or does not show up when he is suppose too will make you think is this the time he will do to me as he did to the first woman he was suppose to love. He does not know how to love, he only know how to have fun and when the situation gets more serious like having a child he will run again and find a new playmate. I hope one day you will have more respect for yourself and realize you deserve a man that will love you and STAY with you and only you.

I would certainly question a relationship where the guy leaves his girlfriend and baby 3 days before xmas. I mean come on!

Neither you or him are responsible. And you will just have to live with the consequences of your own choice.

You are young and when we are young we have a tendency to allow passion and our dreams to rule our behavior. You should not at all feel guilty about anything that has transpired here. You and the wife and child are really victims of an irresponsible self centered individual. He has cast aside his obligations to his child and you will now be a part of a difficult marital triangle .Even if this results in a marriage for you with him, you will still have to bare throughout your life a constant reminder of his past. His ex-wife and child will remain an extension of your life with him.<br />
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It is not guilt you should feel at the moment but the realization of have acquired some heavy emotional baggage that will be with you for years to come.<br />
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Also as others have said before here you may also bare the suppressed thought that once he having shirked his responsibilities to his first wife and child will have a repeat performance at a later date. This time as you as the hapless victim.<br />
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I do wish you well but having lived this scenario many times in my life I can testify that few of these come out good for all in the end. I do hope that you however, will be the exception.

in this situation, i don't know who should have any more guilt or feel more responsible than the man who left his gf and child. i think he's the real culprit if there's one at all. it's like what monica lewinski said when she was asked if she felt guilty or bad for hillary and chelsea when she was messing with bill clinton. she said she did feel bad but he should have felt even worse because he is the husband and father to them, not her. he's the one who made the choice to step out on his wife, yet again, and he's the one who had the relationship with hillary, not her.

lili i think you should feel guilty if only for the reason that you wouldnt like it to happen to you. people dont realize how much work committed relationships are. i also see him as a runner like everyone else does. that runs from his problems. if he was that unhappy he should have left her a long time ago not wait until he had you conviently as his safe shelter. <br />
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as for corpamerica you are the one with the issues. obviously you have never been in a relationship or been deeply in love. no one wants to be cheated on and have their heartbroken. no one that has ever truly been in love repects the whole other woman thing. if its all good to have other people why even commit. it ******* defeats the purpose. you want to date and **** around, stay single!

Okay here's my spin on it. I don't think it will be popular but here goes:<br />
I think he's a womanizer. I think that once GF had baby and most likely expected support and help he fled. <br />
What I'm reading is that he is now with lili. LIVING with her. <br />
Wouldn't the decent thing to do is to find his own place and ask lili to join him? <br />
Nope, he goes from one woman's bed straight to the other. I wonder if this is common for him. <br />
Maybe those mean stares are really pointed at the BF? Maybe she is thinking that he's a lazy jerk and feels sorry for lili, or that she wishes someone more responsible was the father?<br />
We know nothing about him do we? lili, tell us what he is like. Does he have a job? Does he have family around to counsel with? <br />
How can a man that is commited and have a child just take off like that and spend the weekend with another woman? Maybe he was testing you out? <br />
I guess if it were an ideal world, he would have had feelings for you, respected you and her by going home breaking up with the GF, getting his own place, and then asking you out for a date to get to know you better and to give you a chance to get to know him.<br />
As for guilt, you can't unring the bell. What's done is done. <br />
However, she may be warning you. <br />
Just becareful, this man was a stranger to you less than 3 months ago and now he's LIVING WITH YOU.....wierd.

Having been there.....<br />
Your relationship with him is not really the point. Women should not be doing this to each other. What would it have hurt for him to leave first and then to date you.<br />
Again, I would have tried to befriend her in some way. Anger will pass. I would have asked him to leave first. You put yourself in a situation that could have been done very differently.<br />
All the drama will tend to feed for far too long.

Polygamy is the answer

Sorry but if it meant to be then it meant to be and He was Probably not happy with his wife at all. Hey, it happens all the time. I would rather be with the person I love than to be in a loveless marriage. I wouldnt be worried at all. These woman are probably bitter ex wifes who cant go on with their lives.

Is your fear more that he could do the same to you, has that ever crossed your mind. Did he tell her the same thing "I would never leave you cause you make the the happiest person I have ever been."

I wonder if you will bow out with grace, if he gets bored with his relationship with you. After you have given him children. I don't say this to judge.

You dont even know what your talkin about FlipFlop - He made his choice to be with her.. Obviously, the marriage was FAILING.. and who are you to judge? I know lots of women who are the other woman and they ARE HAPPY! and the men get to see their children. As long and the men are fathers to their children thats what matters. He made his choice and he is happy with her. Dont listen to JEALOUS women lilibuggs - and yea things do happen but hey thats life! Enjoy your relationship and live happily ever after. The women talking are probably Ex bitter wives or women who are jealous of what you have. So, Enjoy and dont let these people tell you anything different and by the way Fight for what you believe and if she tried to kick you A** Fight her back cuz he his you r man and obviously he wasnt happy with her.

Please read lillibugg's post. She said he had a serious girlfriend, not a wife, with whom he had a child.

You can choose who you fall in love with. We are not animals who are not incotrol of our emotions and feels...(or are you?) You knew he was married, child or no child he belonged to someone else. Just because you felt attrated to him doesn't mean you go for it. There are plenty of good looking AVAILABLE men out in this world. This guy is a a^^ for starting the affair. Honey you are nothing but an excuse for him to not deal with the problems in his marraige and as soon as he feels settled he will move on. I don't feel sorry for your guilt. you should feel guilty, and repent.

WHY is it always "the other woman's" fault? The MM needs to take responsibiliy for his actions. Many times the MM ends up coming thru it all ok, its not fair to just blame her! it takes two-let him share the blame too!

I definitely agree that the man should take his share of the responsibility but it seems much easier for the wife/gf to blame the other woman.

i agree with you flip

Thats just freaking crazy. There is no way that any one person owns another human being. You can never own someone with their own free will. There is a reason why it was given to us, so we can think and make our own decisions! If you can't understand that people sometimes make the wrong decision but with the best intentions then you are the animal. It's called life people! You make mistakes and learn from them, and somehow her so called "mistake" turned out to be something that made her feel special. Yes, it hurt others in the process but that has nothing to do with her! That onus belongs solely to the man in the marriage, he is the one that took the oath to love and cherish till death do us part, not her. She may have knew, but she had no loyalty to the wife or the child and I think she should be commended that she feels has empathey for the wife. She even picks the child up so that the father can spend time with them. She needs not to feel guilty but look at it as a learning point and take it with her in her future endeavours! Good luck with everything little lady! no one knows him but you and people can say he may cheat on you and he may not, that is a chance any realtionship has, no matter someone's past or the way it starts out. Heck the guy could be a preist and still cheat on his wife because they are unhappy. Take care of your relationship and put your effort in and as long as he does the same you will do great! Best wishes and let go of the guilt, because there are far worse things that get done out there. You should forgive yourself even if she holds a grudge, which some may say she has a right to do, but she is holding it against the wrong person.

I agree with flip too. If she had stayed out who knows what the couple would have done. Having small kids is hard and it's natural to focus on the kids for a few years. Hopefully no **** comes along and helps him pin all his life's misfortune on his wife or he's strog enough to push her away. But if not, for sure it is equally her fault and his, and for sure the kids will suffer for it.

2 More Responses

Having been on both sides of the situation you describe, I can tell you this: the guilt you are feeling will, in all likelihood, never go away. The problem is this - and I'm not saying this in judgement, but as a statement of fact - you (and by "you", I mean both of you) started a relationship, which is a bond of trust and love, by doing something dishonest and hurtful. I'm not saying that your relationship with this man is doomed because of it - far from it - but keep in mind, that what happened is integral to the relationship now. You couldn't have had one without the other. So, keep that in may turn out to be a poison that brings the whole thing down in the end.<br />
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There is one other thing to consider, as well. A woman friend of mine, who was the other woman, decided to break off the relationship. When I asked her why, her answer held a simple truth - she said, "If he can do it to her, then he can do it to me." It's a basic statement of character, if you follow me. If a man can walk away from a committed relationship with a woman for you, what's to say he won't leave you for another woman down the road when you and he have problems? Right now, you're in the "honeymoon" phase of the relationship. The true test will be, what he does when you have problems - and there will always be problems. I know this from first-hand experience: running from problems is a very hard habit to break. I honestly didn't even realize I was doing it at first. <br />
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I absolutely hope that things work out for you and this man - I truly mean that. But my own observations - both of my own life, and of other people's situations - tell me that the odds are stacked against the two of you. Be prepared for some hard times eventually, and if you really love this man, then do whatever you need to do to keep it together in the end. Good luck to you.

Lili - first of all, don't take any c r a p off anyone here about your situation. Life's too short for that. So you have some guilty feelings - you're human with compassion and a sense of empathy. It's honorable that you feel bad for the former GF. Just don't forget, she gave him a choice. He made up his own mind about when to leave and where to go. She gambled and lost. That's between the two of them and should not make you feel bad.<br />
Enjoy what you have for as long as you have it. It's all about learning and growing, for all of us.

Everyone is so judgemental. Noone knows what his situation was really like and if he was planning on leaving her anyway. If anyone should be feeling guilty it's him. And don't count on it not being the case. He may very well end up going back to her if he truly loved her. That is a real possibility. You should not feel fell in love with him.

WHOA!! Let's stop the judgment here people! lili fell in love with someone. SHE did not make him to leave his kid. SHE did not make him sleep with her in the first place. AND she is compassionate enough to care about how the first woman feels.<br />
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lilibuggs, you have no reason to feel guilty at all. Sure you might have chosen to stay away from him in the first place, but it is HE who made the decisions that affected his other relationship.<br />
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Having said that though, I have to agree with MiseducatedChik about once a cheater.... If this man didn't hesitate to leave his CHILD behind for another woman, he will most likely think even LESS of leaving you for the next one. Enjoy it while you can, but don't be naive.

Sorry for your situation. Ok maybe not so sorry. You had to know all this going into the relationship. I just want to say one thing........9 times out of ten....once a cheater always a cheater. I'm sure he was soooo in love with her when he began to see you. Just be careful.

You know what though, there are 2 people in the relationship! He needs to take some of the responsibilty off of you! If it happened to me, I would be upset with the other girl, especially if she knew, but I'd be so much more pissed at him. I'm sorry you are going through this and I hope it gets better!

i think once someone goes through bein the other women she doesnt judge the other women who have also... i mean no one knows how the story went and why one did what they did ... the men are the ones who chose at the end well at least you ended up with him and its not ur fault that he loves you and not her anymore... it sounds a lil selfish i know but thats how things are he chose you so be happy and dont let her ruin things b/w you all :D good luck

The former wife will never go away, they have a child together. How are thins working out for you?