I am reading a happy story with sadness.
To the OW who does have her happy ending, or can see it in sight, you have your "I love you" and you and he will be together soon. You both sound like good people who will be good for each other.
I have read your story and it progresses in the same way as many others. You didn't intend to fall in love, but you did. You never thought it could be this good.
He didn't hate his wife, his marriage was by all accounts "pretty good," but the spark was gone. He was confused and conflicted. How had he gone wrong in his marriage? What would the future be like? You sympathized.
Neither of you wished ill on the wife. She seemed like a nice person, she even wanted to be your friend.
The months go on. The affair intensifies, he grows more distant from his wife. She suspects. She starts to feel threatened and panics about her marriage. She doesn't understand what is happening. After all, the marriage was "pretty good" by all accounts, but the passion was gone.
Life in the home is beginning to deteriorate. She knows her trust is being violated. Her reactions to him show her fear and her underlying anger. What is going on and why?

You will have your happy ending.. You really will. It will be coming soon. But meanwhile, she is now the "wildebeast" and not the wife. The woman who no one wanted to hurt is hurting desperately. Her cold reactions to her husband are now seen as reasons to hurt her and proof of a bad marriage instead of what they are: Her desperate pain at knowing she is being betrayed.

Please have some empathy for her. Please know that the marriage is going downhill fast as a consequence of the affair. This is the truth. The marriage was by all accounts "pretty good," they were "content," but things were not full of fireworks. They cared about each other before the affair. This is how the story started.

Now she is vilified for no reason. Her actions are changing in reaction to the deception in the air. You have your happy already. It is all going to work out for the two of you.

I am just saying please let this story end with compassion. She is going through hell. Her life is crumbling around her. She is going to react. No one is on her side and all she has done is not give the spark that used to be there.

Please to not call her names because she is having a normal fear reaction to the secrecy and threat to her "life as she knows it." Her "normal" was ok a few months ago. Now, the person she trusted most is violating her trust and looking for reasons to confirm the death of the marriage. The truth is that the affair is killing the marriage. It was not dead. It just was not as exciting as it used to be.
This part is not her fault. She is being conspired against on a daily basis and now she will be blamed for her panic and fear.

Please have compassion. You will have your happy ending. If they have children, you want everyone to have the best ending possible.

You are good people. You will be happy. But please understand that the person you respectfully referred to as the wife a few months ago and now call the wildebeast is having a perfectly normal, and perfectly tragic, reaction to the death of her hopes and dreams.

All the best to you because you ARE good people, you have found your soul mate and I know you will have happiness together.
deleted deleted
18 Responses Jun 21, 2014

When you found out about your husbands affair how did you react?

As a wife I very much appreciate this post. I don't know if you've ever read any of my posts, but i am also an ow, one fairly out in the open. I never see the need to be so hateful to the spouse. For us, we are both married to incredible people. We just happen to have life circumstances that eliminated passion. Unfortunately we found that outside of our marriages, but with consent. Regardless of the open nature, it's still confusing and difficult. I never set out just to fill a physical void. What I ended up finding was a dear friend. I probably make little sense right now. But I want you to know that I see his wife for the good person she is. If it weren't for these circumstances, I wouldn't be in this situation.

Your situation is very much a minority. Often jealousy leads to anger and worse on both sides. In my situation, the affair was over quickly but the drama from it is still going on 3.5 years after the fact. His wife still won't leave me alone, she stalks my social media, blogs, forums, and here.

Regardless, that is a long time for his wife to be fixated on you. How do you deal with that?

Mostly I ignore it, sometimes I vent about it here. Recently I posted a message directly to her asking her to leave me alone.

This doesn't just have to be about the wife. It can also be about the OW in a long term relationship that is ending.

When you wrote this was it condescending or sincere?

very well said..you have a wonderful way of expressing your thoughts humbled...your words goes straight to my heart...

We, as humans, tend to want relationships to have definite ending and beginnings. In reality, this is never the case in a marriage or any other relationship. I disagree the the wife/ woman is vilified on all fronts. She really isn't! We tend to assume she was the faultless one. I always did! I naturally assumed that her husband was the villain, the one whom was unable to commit to a lifetime with one woman. The man whom believes he should have his cake and eat it too. However, that is rarely the case, either.

Marriages as all relationships, evolve, end or continue that is a fact of life. OW do not go around looking for your specific husband to seduce and conquer. That is vilifying them! MM or MW ,in general, do not purposefully seek to have sex with an OM or OW.

Many married men do not have affairs but will instead live in an unsatisfying marriage for the sake of the children just as an unhappy wife might. One might say that is the true enemy! The expectation of society that we should sacrifice our very existence based on years of assumptions and the fairy-tale of 2.5 children and picket fences.

My story is totally different than many described in the OW forum, as are many. I don't think anyone involved in affairs wants to hear they are the cause of any tragic event. Mainly, because there isn't one tragic event, one Dday, where everything comes tumbling down. It is always a series of events that we tend to push away until we have to confront the inevitable.

I have "vilified" the wife in my situation, but that's cause of her behavior after the affair ended. She is batshit crazy and determined to milk every bit of attention she can out of anyone who will listen to her crazy lies.

I've read your post twice now. I know to whom you are referring. I realize this is a specific response to a specific person's journey. I completely respect your opinion, and I very much respect the fact that you enter the OW board with a gentleness that most others with a differing viewpoint lack.

However. I do take issue with one statement. The part where you said the affair is killing the marriage. I have not found that to be even remotely true in my case, in fact, quite the opposite.

A bit of background: My MM and I have spoken freely about his W from the beginning; in another time and place, she and I might've been friends. I bear her no ill will whatsoever, he has never spoken poorly of her, although he has represented their situation honestly. I do not agree with how she treats him (treatment that I have observed with my own eyes, not a hearsay account from him, btw), but other than that, I think she is probably a great person.

Their marriage, though, was in trouble from the word go. They have lived life mostly as roommates. He cares about her, even loves her. But some people, no matter how much you care, are not compatible and seem to bring out the worst in us. Enter me. They were already distant enough, I seriously doubt she noticed anything different. Then he and I got closer, what started out as strictly physical became a relationship. We became friends AND lovers. We fulfilled each other. And guess what? His marriage got BETTER! About 3 months in, I asked him if things had changed between them. He was reluctant to answer because he didn't want to hurt me, but finally admitted that yes, their relationship was sweeter, there was less fighting, he was more attentive. Because he was finally happy. And then it dawned on him why he was happy. I never, not one time, begrudged him the time he spent with his wife, never pressured him to leave her or choose me. He came to the realization all on his own that his marriage wasn't what was making him happy, even though his marriage was benefitting from the change.

He and his wife are currently in the process of splitting up, due to events that actually had nothing to do with me. I take comfort in knowing that our relationship is a symptom of their broken marriage, not the cause. Not every story is like mine, I realize that. But that is the exact point I wanted to make: no two stories will ever be the same. To generalize the relationship between an OW and her MM and how it affects his marriage is the equivalent of saying all pitbulls are killers. Just because something happens a certain way once, or even many times, doesn't always make it a universal truth. That is both the beauty and the curse of humanity...

Humbled, I should probably mention two things: first, I was the one who noticed his relationship with his W was better just based on the way he talked about her. He didn't realize it until I said something, then he was like, yeah, you're right, we aren't fighting as much, and it's more peaceful around here. It was an observation that came strictly from knowing my man. And let me just say, before anyone decides to hop on the "he lies to her, he lies to you, too" bandwagon, I have incredible intuition and am very rarely wrong about someone. Which leads me to my second point: my fiancé cheated on me. Twice. So I've been on both sides of this coin, been both the W and the OW. And I knew within days, both times, of when he started cheating. So, unless the MM is exceptionally fantastic at lying, I find it difficult to believe the W doesn't know on some level already. Unless she is already very checked out of the relationship, which would most likely be why the MM is seeking companionship elsewhere. Yes, there are men who simply can't keep it in their pants, but in my experience an affair doesn't happen until there has been an extensive amount of neglect at home. My fiancé couldn't keep it in his pants; my MM is neglected. I agree, there are always multiple sides to every story. I also agree that (most) wives shouldn't be vilified because rarely do they deserve it (I have seen a couple of exceptions). And I am truly sorry for the pain you have gone through. But the vast majority of the time, a MM doesn't cheat in a vacuum, and he is almost never solely at fault. Responsible for his choices, yes, but the health of his marriage doesn't rest on his shoulders alone.

The "living like roommates" is probably emotional speak for the spark is gone and we are too busy to bother trying anymore. It happens with every relationship that lasts a certain amount of time. After a few years the endorphins change from dopamine to oxytocin and that causes the passion to shift from fiery to warm heat. Not everyone can cope with the change, it's hard to grow together rather than apart.

They usually call it the "7 year itch"

i agree..marriage needs time and effort as time passes by..my ex MM have said that. They were busy and he just found himself lost that spark he used for his wife and he just see her as a friend he cannot hurt if he leaves, i never told her to leave her...20 years of marriage..upon knowing that i was taken aback..i don't know that he was married if you have read my previous post..that's the reason why i tried so hard to be out from his life even though i can feel the strong connection between us..i am still missing him though, trust me i found myself crying if ever i can hear a song that connects us together..but i really told her to give his wife a chance and their marriage a chance..and his wife is really tying her best...i know because he still sends me a message..i tried hard not to reply but sometimes honestly i did...but don't want to complicate things anymore...so we just remain civil..time really heals.

Thank you for sharing this... I'm close to tears but it feels good to see someone understands. Everyone is hurting and most deserve solace and compassion.

This really spoke to me and made me cry. Its absolutely spot on. There were times I really wish I had never met my ap after I ended the affair. Because you are completely right, we were 'content'.
I worked on being a better husband and swore never to cheat again but I couldn't stop thinking about this connection i had with the ap, a connection in truth i never had with the wife. But I didn't know what I was missing! I desperately tried to forget it and wish i never had whatever I had with my ap in the first place because I would of continued my marriage, not blissfully but unaware of what i was missing. Affairs are poison and my wife didn't deserve any of it.

Whatever comment was made, I take has been deleted??

This is overgeneralizing. This is not always the case. It probably isn't true in most cases. It's nice to imagine that you were all innocent in the demise of your marriage, but were you really? Was your marriage really pretty good? Is pretty good all that's necessary for 2 people to stay together or were you just staying together because it was easy and comfortable? Why didn't you try to save your marriage instead of getting fearful and angry?

I dont have ill feeling for both W and OW....whatever the situation is all of are women. Both are victims of the situation. Even the man is victim, bec he is in between. torn which side he must turn to.torn if the W is being doubtful, torn if the OW is being needy.

The crazy thing is I have seen pictures of her. She's beautiful. We actually look alike and I feel sorry for her. I don't think their marriage is deteriorating. She knew him for 14 years before they said I do she knew him and what he was. I think they are beat friends and she accepts him for who he is and vice versa. I actually think their marriage will last. I think he WILL find another woman to cheat with. He was engaged two times before her and he cheated with her. I think she loves him and I can identify with that because I do too. But his obligation is to her and I have to learn to respect that.

Not all marriages were good before the affair started and not all wives are/were good people. Some are horrible crazy people who really shouldn't be around kids and have them anyways.

I would beg to differ that no one is horrible through and through, but you feel free to think what you wish. I personally have come face to face with evil people and I know that horrible does exist in true form.

No, my point was that not all situations are like the example you gave. In some cases the marriage was really just a marriage in name only. In some the marriage was abusive, or any other variety of things. It's not always the husband lying, sometimes its just the husband desperately seeking something, anything to not feel dead inside anymore.

I misunderstood your post apparently, I thought you were talking in generalities. The fact that it was a specific real life instance escaped my notice.
As to justifications, I don't think betrayal is justified persay. For an example, in my situation my (now Ex) H moved out of the house and didn't speak to me at all for 3 months. He left me with out a phone, money, means for buying food, etc. Knowing that I was an agoraphobic and was unable to leave the house alone. The MM I was involved with was the only person who cared enough, at that time, about me to try to help me survive.
In MM's situation he was married over 20 years to a woman who had never bothered to meet any of this current friends (she had met some of the ones he had before they were together), show any interest at all in his hobbies but expected him to go to her events and meet her friends. She hadn't even bothered to meet the mother or other family of her child's best friend. She was a self absorbed, bitchy woman who really only cared about herself...except when someone was in crisis and she saw the opportunity to benefit herself by rescuing someone and getting praise.
Maybe she didn't deserve to be lied to (I never lied to her, though I am sure she would say I did in the single time I ever met her), but her husband did deserve more from her than he was getting.

The MM and I were friends but it was not romantic and I saw him once a week (for a D&D game) and his son and several other people were always there. It wasn't until my H left that I got romantically involved with the MM.

I am not bashing the W for any reason other than truth, I have no reason to at this point. My affair ended 3 years ago and I regret every moment of it. I wouldn't normally call it self serving but when she had no empathy for people what so ever except when they were in crisis what else would I think to call it? She wasn't a bitchy person, just a self serving one, everyone I knew who had met her once said the same thing about her...even her own kids said that about her.

She lied and manipulated people to get what she wanted. One example was that at one point she completely refused to feed her youngest child, she did this so the child was forced to get his father to come home so she could get him to do something she wanted.

I said the affair ended 3 years ago but she still goes on this forum about affairs and makes up new stuff every couple of weeks to get sympathy. She had to be the center of attention, her husband left her once early in their marriage because of her crazy behavior. This was told to me BTW by his mother, not him. It wasn't a lie to make me think badly of her. Oh and about the mother in law, she was a sickly woman, elderly, but the W would ignore her calls and tell the kids to lie for her about what she was doing to avoid spending time with a woman who lived 5 mins away. That all changed when her husband left her and moved in with his mother. Suddenly she was over there all the time, not to see her husband, just to get in good with the mother in law.

I do feel bad for the actions I took and the fact those actions hurt her. I don't like her as a person and their marriage was pretty much hell from what I know of it, that doesn't mean that she deserved what happened to her. I am fairly sure that everything I am trying to say here is being lost in translation because you don't appear to be getting my meaning.

I will state it simply, if I can, yes I have anger for what happened in my situation, I also have sadness, and a great deal of other emotions. The point of this forum/group, is for OW to be able to have a safe place to talk about the things they are feeling. However when other people come into the forum and lash out at us, make us out to be less than human monsters. People incapable of remorse, etc it hurts us. I have tried to point out there are safe places for W/H and others effected by betrayal. OW are not welcome in such places, it seems rather unfair that angry W/H can come on a group not intended for them and lash out.

I assure you the world holds OW accountable for their actions, your personal crusade isn't needed here. Unless someone is a sociopath, they get that they are hurting people. If they are a sociopath not a single thing you say will effect them. You may see you actions as being helpful, that you are calmly trying to point out something someone is doing wrong. That's not really the truth of the matter though. As a victim of infidelity I would say you are incapable of being rational and objective enough to offer an unbiased insight and as such your words aren't going to be met with anything but defensiveness and maybe anger.

Mmm... I wonder if I should feel offended to be lumped in with Prozac, cocaine and crocheting ;)


Sorry, AdorablyBroken, sometimes the threads get all scrambled up. This was supposed to be a comment to, "There are other ways to deal with unhappiness. Some people choose a new hobby, some become workaholics, some drink, some take drugs, some go to therapy, some take anti-depressants, some have affairs, and some actually make a conscious decision to appreciate what they have and to try to improve the situation they are in."

Ah, I always say that if you have to try to appreciate a situation that it's probably not a good situation. It's like my MM used to say he gave up on happy a long time ago, he was just trying for serene. It made me very sad whenever he said that.

In situations like these men and/or women don't leave because one person is better than the other they just decided to start over with someone else and weren't considerate to the person who was already in their lives it's not because she is better than his wife or she understands him better it's because they made a decision that what they had with the other person was more important to him. It's not fair but that is what people do.

7 More Responses

I have to say, affair is like the chix and the egg story.. which one came first?? Did the marriage go downhill first or the person strayed first?? People say if a marriage was perfect then there's no void for an intruder to come in between.. but I have to object to that. THERE IS NO PERFECT MARRIAGE. If the OW/OM is single, you probably do not understand that after so many years of marriage, with the stressful daily life of financial problems, paying bills, childcare.. course the wife or the husband will not appreciate the spouse like newly weds. It doesn't mean the marriage is BAD. Yes maybe the passion is gone but isn't that normal. People need to work on their marriage and reignite the fire.

But when there is a 3rd person involve, it makes working on a marriage even more difficult. The lover appreciates you.. have the spark for you that your wife/husband doesn't. Not that is was never there but it was just lost.

I understand both side of the story cuz I am a MW and involved w/a single man. I do vent about my husband and issues in our marriage but to tell the truth, if I never met him, I would probably still be content in my marriage. He probably also thk my husband is evil and doesn't appreciate me. And he thk my marriage was already destroyed by my husband's behavior but if I had no other options, I would be happy w/my marriage and work harder.

No marriage is perfect. But falling in love w/another man made me see what I was missing. And it's hard to turn bk.

Kelki, I bet my grade school degree is higher than yours!

Ladies, I noticed blondie5434 is back! She an old troll... Just laugh at her little Honey Boo Boo routine and she'll probably go back under her bridge. Hopefully, she'll take her grade school degree and find somewhere else to go!

Well...since grade school is up to grade 6... I'm sorry Blondie never made it to middle school...I'm sorry we have to deal with her tantrums.

--Warning! The post below contains statistical concepts and may, therefore, be hazardous to your health. (Or, alternatively, just put you to sleep.)--

Many thanks for your post, humbledbylife. As always, I agree; in fact, I would go a step further and propose that, as human beings, we should treat all people with compassion and respect, especially those who find themselves in dire straits.
However, I have read your post a number of times and find it has one weakness, namely your treatment of marriage as a constant, rather than a variable. Everybody on this forum probably agrees that the three agents of an affair - W/H, OW/OM and MM/MW - are as individually different as all human beings are. We OW, for instance, are a rather diverse bunch: We differ in body type, coloring, level of education, socioeconomic group, religion - you name it. The only factor that - somewhat artificially - lumps us together is that we are in a relationship with a married - or otherwise spoken-for - partner. The fundamental health of our partners' marriages - again - has to differ from case to case.
My guess is that, generally speaking, "marital satisfaction" follows a Gaussian distribution - or Bell's curve - that peaks somewhere between "moderately satisfied" and "moderately happy." Interestingly enough, though, the likelihood that a married person engages in an extramarital affair doesn't necessarily correlate with his or her level of marital satisfaction: Many cheating spouses consider their marriages to be "very good" or "excellent" whereas a fair chunk of people who are utterly miserable in their marital unions will never stray. (Obviously there IS a bias, but it is not nearly as strong as one would expect.)
So... where am I going with all of this? Ah, yes... Your statement, "The truth is that the affair is killing the marriage. It was not dead." is not... the truth. Because there IS, in fact, a positive correlation between marital satisfaction and how likely a marriage is to recover from an affair. (Your marriage, for one, is a prime example.) Hence, if a MM and his OW do get their -- exceedingly unlikely -- "happily ever after", chances are that the MM/MW's previous union was, in fact, dead long before the affair ever started.
Of course, the above post addresses none of the heartbreak, pain and sadness that follows in the wake of every breakup - no matter how defunct the relationship was. What it - maybe - hints at is how difficult lifelong monogamy is to achieve for humans.

I am taken by your summary. You made strikingly valid points that one thinks in the back of their mind when you keep reading everyone's own story, however, putting into a rationalized distribution, one can see where this picture may become blurry to some.

The 'monogamy' lifelong part. I think, we have to come to understand that monogamy can be the base for a romantic relationship, but for how long? Some scientists came with the explanation of offspring and their age/independence perhaps being a defining period for that monogamy. And then off you go to a new partner. If that period has been overstayed as a welcome, then I guess, there can be overlaps.

One may ask, so what is that about when the woman is pregnant and the guy thinks he has the right to go and look elsewhere?

THAT part of the equation, I have not figured yet.

And that part was also observed in birds and genetic research on finding that some of the eggs in the nest belonged to some other male inseminator and that even long-term couple birds did stray.

I am thinking that our challenge remains in applying the 'letting go'. You agree that the thrill is gone and thrill would not only include the physical desire to be intimate, but it would contain your friendship, your desire to explore each other, your deep rooted knowledge of each other, and that you can continue maintaining the vitality of your partnership.
If that desire goes after reaching a threshold, then the ideal would be shaking hands and wishing each other good partners in the future. The letting go is the variable that does not come on its own, but usually consists as a mutual role assignment (shared variable), if one is aware of it or not. The other partner is not totally clueless that their relationship lost from its capacity.

I'd like to know where you got you degree , if you're interested in further study & if you'd like to open a clinic with me lol
Actually there a 9 reasons ( I'm guessing they will define more in a few yrs) why people mainly men have affairs the TOP reason... Save a dying marriage

I would say that women are much more likely to use an affair to "wake-up" a marriage than men. I think the experts list anywhere between 5-7 types of affairs. The kind that men are more likely to have than women is the Double-life affair.

In about 3 years, you the other woman will be referred to as the "wild beast" because your cheater man, is a fool! A foolish man will make any woman a "wild beast!" but go ahead, enjoy your prize! Call her names. One day you wil feel her pain! except, you will deserve it!

Wow! What an insight you are sharing.....

Please tell "ventingagain" since the ***** blocked me :-) she's full of ****. I'm not a sir, and I don't know what "fell like an idiot" means. Cumdumster.

She blocked you for a reason..she doesn't want to hear from you. I won't be telling her anything you say. Cumdumster?!? Really? Ugh.

Hell hath no fury as a woman deprived of the online equivalent of the Jerry Springer show...Thank you, though, for enriching my English vocabulary in unexpected ways. If I ever get into a fight with a hooker I should be well prepared.

I bet you are very welll prepared boudoir whisperer! Why dont you just come out and call yourself a *****! LOL

any excuse to use THAT "W" word..if your life is sooo amazing and fulfilled blondie, why not go live it?

LOL, because I love to see how unfulfilled your lives are! It gives me great pleasure to read the hatred you have for the wife, or the" wildebeast!" LMAO or witch, love that one! We are the "witches and the beasts" YOUR MAN cant leave! You women are such great prizes, yet, he wont leave HER! Again, laugh my *** off! Here you are, being everything she isn't....trying trying and trying! Bj after bj and still, he is NOT yours! Whatever his wife is, he wont leave her! In this day and age where divorce is so easy! Oh wait, lets hear the other womans national anthem" Its cheaper to keep her!" Yeah, keep telling yourself that! The truth is, you don't measure up. Even to the wildebeest! You are worth him leaving her for YOU! So go ahead and block me now, because you cant stand the truth! Who cares! You women are pathetic and you the type who need men! You will take a cheater because your so lonely and desperate! Oh wait, no its because you're so much skinnier or younger or prettier than his wife and he just cant resist you, you're his" soul mate"..he is willing to risk it all for you...Yeah, keep telling yourself that one too! It is truly beyond my comprehension how some of you stupid women let men play you like the fools you are! How about you tell him, you are telling his wife, youre done playing this game...oh wait, you cant because YOU KNOW YOU WILL LOSE HIM...ok, we are back to square one.. desperate woman who needs a man!!!! Any man will do!

In my situation I told my husband if she makes you happy go ahead and leave, cause I've fought for you and begged you my whole life with you. I'm done begging if she's what you want then leave... I give you permission... What does he say... No I can't I have too much with you to give it all up for her I messed up and want to try and work it out. Time for him to put the effort in. The passion was dim both of us lost it in our years or marriage the only difference was I spoke up and talked about it to make it better. That's the difference between him and I he keeps it built up I let it go. Are we soul mates? I would think so but what is that really. All I know is we've been through bad times and can work through anything if we both want it. The wife.. I'm not a beast if they thought about the wife they wouldn't continue what they are doing. I actually talked to the first OW and she apologized she never knew about me but as a woman with compassion she said she couldn't be the reason a home is broken. Now she's married to her child's father she had during her affair with my husband and had two more children and is happy. I am greatful to the OW who are like this regardless of how much in love they are they realize breaking up a home isn't worth it. Is staying with the man worth it both wife and OW. Who knows I just said if your that unhappy leave so I can find someone who you used to be.

dumPster. It's "cumdumpster". Just saying...

Why don't you just go and watch some **** or something? You obviously are in dire need of some action.

5 More Responses