Ok ladies, I need your input on something. When I first started this thing with my MM, I did great emotionally with everything. Including not always hearing from him. So as time has gone on, especially the last few days, I am not doing so good. I feel sad, anxious, needy, and obsessed, checking for messages from him constantly. For one thing, his communication is at best a trickle, much different than the beginning. Like this weekend, for instance. He had to go out of town on business last night and his W wouldn't be going, he said. He won't be going home until Sunday. He said we could chat while he was gone and I haven't heard a word from him yet.
I am not sure if I have the emotional strength to be an OW. Especially his. Or that maybe I am selling myself short by waiting for the crumbs that get thrown to me. I wonder if I am willing to be his OW because of the intimacy/self-esteem/daddy issues that I have. And this isn't to say that's true for all OW, some of your MMs are wonderful, love you, and make a huge effort. Clearly mine doesn't. So here is my question. Does anyone have any pointers on becoming emotionally disengaged when you have fell too far in? Or do I just have to suffer the pain now?
ArlingtonRose ArlingtonRose
36-40, F
5 Responses Aug 16, 2014

I don't remember who said it on another post here but she pointed out needy isn't sexy to most men. I think it is a bit to mine, but that's another subject lol!

Anyway, it's easy to sit here and tell you to be strong, to know that you hold the upper hand and if you don't, then find it. It's harder to tell you HOW to find the strength.

I'm going to share a George Carlin joke that my man often quotes:

Why would women want to be equal to men? They're already superior. Don't believe me? Women have half the money and all the *****.

Crude, but true.

That is so true. Needy is most definitely not sexy. You stop paying attention to him, and if he is really into you, he will notice and make the adjustment. And if he doesn't, you're better off without him.

You are so right! Love the Carlin quote. He was the man!

Could of wrote much of this myself. I am dealing with the worst pain I have ever dealt with in my life. I have never experienced a level of hurt, pain, why's, what if's, sadness, anxiety, etc.... in my entire life. And in my case before NC, it just got worse and worse....looking back I think as soon as emotions stepped in and the fun/excitement was gone the bad has outweighed the good all along. I have invested 2 years of my life. I'm just wondering now how long until I feel like me again. How long to heal? Will I ever heal? Will I see the light again? Sorry I wasn't able to give any advice....just went off on my own tangent. I do understand though.

I can't speak to everyone, but if I don't do something, if I just sit wallowing in pain trying to "get through it", I become more desperate. The only way for me to start the process is to realize that I am desirable. As a friend, mother, lover I am wanted.

He should be lucky for your crumbs, but for me (and my mm), he isn't interested if I don't want myself.

I say get out of the house looking HOT. No one says you can't invite looks, but not touches.

I have definitely felt like you. The communication lately has been initiated by me. When he had an overnight duty, he could have slept with me in a nearby hotel. He didn't. I have been feeling it too.

It all comes down to what we can handle. It is not a constant relationship on his part. He is juggling a wife, kids, job and us. Eventually, it all comes down to what you can handle and what you are willing to settle for.

If you are going to be in this type of relationship you have to understand that we are not always the priority, he has a wife and possibly family. But that being said, if he is out of town, then he should be free to contact you. With my MM, we have an "understanding" about contact, and I will absolutely tell him if I feel he is taking me for granted. There is a difference between him taking care of home obligations, or having limited contact then, and ignoring you, which is whatthis sounds like. My advice, if you want to stay in this, then you need to have a talk with him about what you will and won't accept. Then you have to stick to it. Just because you are the other woman doesn't mean you have to put up with any type of treatment, not at all. Good luck.

The best answer!