I've been sitting here thinking (overthinking) about my 'relationship' with my mm and I'm starting to wonder if I'm just being used. I know men have a way to get into a women's heart without even really trying. And maybe I've been making myself think this is more than it is really is. We've always just left what we are unsaid and it's never bothered me because I don't expect anything from him other than what we have right now. I would never ask him to leave his wife because I could nor would ever ask for something I can't give in return. So my expectations of this 'relationship' are not high but it is still hard not to wonder what I really mean to him, if I mean anything at all...
Oh God, I need to distract myself, my mind is going crazy right now!!
He does tell me he misses me and that he can't wait to see me but that doesn't necessarily mean anything, it could simply mean he wants to get laid. It hurts to think that but I know there is a big possibility that it's true. Not that being intimate isn't a big part of our 'relationship' because it's amazing but it would be nice to know whether or not I'm just a place to stick his ****...

Is there any way I could find this out without ruining everything? Probably not.

Would it be worth it to just grow up and ask him? Probably because it could save me a lot of heartache and cigarettes.

Will I ever actually ask him? Who knows but most likely not...

Well thanks for letting me talk through my thoughts even though it didn't accomplish anything it really helps to write it all out.
Gingerishere Gingerishere
26-30, F
3 Responses Aug 16, 2014

I know I finally asked and his answer actually caused way more pain than if I would have just left it alone. It hurt less with it just being left unsaid, even though I was pretty sure I already knew the answer.

What did u ask exactly? C

I asked him what we were? He said "great friends." I also asked why the time I asked him if he loved me that he said yes and if that was real. He said yes. I said I got it....you loved me as a friend. He said no....more. I asked why he did the small things to make me fall in love with him. He said he enjoys doing them....for anybody. Bullshit. I asked how he can be so tender and loving when we were together. He said he adjusts the way he acts for each friend. Bullshit again. He obviously is in denial and wants to take no responsibility.

What makes you think it's bullshit?
I'd love to hear that my mm loves me as a friend, it'd be better than what I've been thinking in my head.

I'm madly in love with this man. To be told all along I am just a "great friend" hurts. I wish for once he would admit we were just a little bit more than that after all we have experienced together.

Yeah, if you love him it makes sense to want to be more than friends. Maybe he is afraid to admit it because than it becomes more real to him. I could imagine it being difficult to love someone and not have then admit you mean more to them, it's my biggest fear! I hope everything works out for you!

It has been one of the hardest realities I have had to accept. Whether we were every more than friends. He says he "loves" me more than friends but we are just great friends. I'm more confused and hurt than ever. But thank you!

What/how did you ask?
What was his response, if you don't mind me asking?

Exactly how I wrote it is how I asked. I said it just like that. And his response was exactly as I wrote it. I have known this man a long time. I just came out and asked and he is a very emotionally disturbed person as it is. So he always gives me his version of "straightforward" answers. I believe they are the answers of an emotionally abused and like I said disturbed person....

How long have you been with him?

I'm not sure I would consider us "together." I have know him for almost 7 years but not "really" known him. We have been sleeping together for almost 2 years......

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It sounds like you both went into this with the idea that it would be, and stay, casual. It sounds like you are married too and don't want to leave? Are you starting to fall in love and are wondering if he returns the feelings? If you don't want a future with him, I am not sure you want to go down that road. Might be better to leave love out of it? But I'm not sure I understand your question entirely so my answer could be way off...

I'm not falling in love with him (at least I don't think so) nor do I ever want too. I just don't want to be or ever feel used. There wasn't much of a question, I was just thinking and wanted to put my thoughts into words as it helps me process things. Thanks for your response though!

What makes you think he is using you?

I think a lot of it has to do with my own insecurities from past experiences with men but also because I just don't feel he treats me the same as I do him. I'm not really sure exactly what it is, it's kind of hard to explain. Maybe I'm just the type of person that needs to have reassurance about these types of things. Maybe I'm just stressing myself out for no reason. Maybe it's because this is all so new to me, so I'm just overthinking everything. I wish I didn't care or feel so much...damn my big heart!

I absolutely understand where you are coming from. I always got the feeling I was giving way more than I was receiving. I need constant reassurance, validation, affirmation, etc... due to low self esteem and very insecure as well. Problem is he wasn't ever going to give that to me. Everything was always left up in the air....the why's or is he thinking this or what if I do that? I also over think and analyze everything and in the end I got my answer and realized this was never going anywhere and for once and for all I have to let go. :(