I have been married for over ten years - thought that my marriage was perfect with one big exception - very little sex. But still had lots of affection from husband until about two years ago. Now it is like living with a roommate.
And then a close male friend who is married became my lover. We had both been denying our feelings for years and "slipped" one night and that was that.
We were already such good friends that it quickly became very serious with "I love you" every day.
But he has a young child and does not feel like he can leave because of that. And I also think he worries about his wife. He says they have a dead marriage but Also that he will always love her as the mother of his child.
I am lost. I want to leave my husband and not be a cheater. I want to stop the affair because I hate that I am an other woman. And I am not good at it (get jealous and sad too much). But I feel like I can't do either. I don't know how to unravel this life I have built with my husband. And I can't imagine giving up the one person who makes me feel happy.
It is the worst pain. But I read all of these other experiences and know there are so many others like me. Thanks for sharing. Sometimes it helps.
Weekends are the worst. Tonight nothing seems to help.
needfixin needfixin
41-45, F
7 Responses Aug 17, 2014

I feel so bad for you -- being in the middle of the process is so hard. I was in your situation with first husband. We were good. not great. and NO sex. I wanted great. I wanted fun, romance, a connection. I ended up having an affair because I was lazy. I thought I could keep my life with the H and my affair. But no.... I couldn't be that dishonest. Eventually, the unravelling had to happen. and that was the hard part-the money, the friends, the dogs, our careers were entwined. there was no easy fix.

now, I am ironically in a situation with a MM and I think that is his reason for staying - family, friends, social standing. All that is hard to give up. I think he's doing a cost benefit analysis and is going to relatively soon decide that it is not worth it.

But good luck to do ... you have some thinking ahead of you.


Your sitch sounds terribly similar to mine. I left my sexless, dead marriage of 11 years in April. My MM was a catalyst who gave me the impetus to unravel my unhappy life. It took a ton of courage, strength I didn't even know was inside me, but I did it! We have a 7 year old son. We own a house together. H is a nutjob. Not saying it was easy, but it's doable, and more than worth it! I am feeling happy and liberated and stronger than ever. Our divorce is almost final and i don't have to cringingly fake it anymore.

As for MM...also.same. A dead marriage but he loves her as the mother of his kids. It is hard, and I wish I had all the answers. All i can say is do a cost/benefit analysis. Are you getting more out of it than it's costing you? Or the opposite?

I am still holding on to hope that he will be all mine. When he takes that from me, I will walk away.

This is the perfect place to post because the majority are in the same situation. When jackasses like stephyy reply, just block away. Some people have nothing better to do with their lives than to hurt others.

I'm not trying to be a "jackass" or anything but the other woman's are hurting marriages and a lot of the time the wife

Listen, I never considered myself innocent. However, to blame the third party exclusively is ridiculous. The wife's HUSBAND is to blame too. He is the one who is unhappy, lacking enough sex in his marriage, I don't know. All I am saying is yell at your husband. Stop blaming other people.

Lol I'm not married...I'm just a curious guy...take it easy...and of course the husband has a blame...he's the most to blame

I'm not jumping on you. I'm just making a point. Do yourself a favor. Stay single :)

Lol...too late...I have a girlfriend...but if things go sour I'll definitely end it...no point in forcing a relationship like most people on here...but I'll definitely cherish my soon to daughter no matter what :)

Always love and take care of your daughter. :)

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This sounds all too familiar to me. The word roommate just jumped out of your post. I feel exactly the same about my situation. I often wonder how I ended up here as I was convinced that my marriage was great. I also ended up with a close friend who is married as well. I don't think either of us are going anywhere, but I know the feelings you are dealing with.

I'm amazed at the number of couples who are willing to live as roommates only. I don't want to be 80 and look back on my life and say, oh, yeah, I had a sexless, completely emotionally unsatisfying marriage but hey, at least I didn't hurt anyone's feelings.

Nicely done. :)

I completely agree. :)

I'm sorry, sometimes if the posts come in late at night (in certain time zones) you only get the haters or the men who try to hit in you. After all, if you're having an affair you'll want some weird, random guy from EP too (insert eye roll here).

I'm glad you found us. We've all experienced the pain, and the joy, of loving someone we couldn't have. And believe me, I know all about the jealousy lol. Xoxo

Thank you. I had no idea about the haters. Wasn't prepared for that!

I either pick fights with them or ignore them. Depending on my mood ;)

hi dear

Please explore your feelings

Ummm if he wanted to leave he would have. Ppl separate and divorce all the time. If e truly loved you the way u think, he would be with you...but at the same time ur selfish. Yes u both slipped, but what about his wife? What if their marriage was okay until u came along? Just cuz ur not happy she can't be? And if he slipped with you, if u guys get together what makes u think he won't mess around on you? Be careful what you ask for.

Thanks. This was my first time posting anything about what is very confusing and painful. To have the first response be so lacking of any empathy or compassion is helpful. This is clearly not for me.

Don't let responses like this one hinder your posting. Although I receive many of the same moronic responses, the good ones far exceed the bad. You've got plenty of us understanding women on her to chat with and it's amazing how much clarity the give us. I simply tell them to **** off and have a nice day, then I block their dumb *****.

Please don't let someone who is so negative bring you down.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm always here to chat. Message me

Little girl, men in good marriages don't have affairs. No woman is capable of stepping in and ruining a happy marriage. And no good marriage has ever ended in divorce. Now back to your dorm. Leave the grownups to talk. Run along.

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