i need some help and don't really know what to do ...

I've been the other woman for 8 years now on and off.. the last 3 years have been totally on.. when our relationship started it was just sex and i totally admit that... then he asked me to have his child.. we had a little girl who is totally my world.. i then fell pregnant again and i was forced into having an abortion by him ( something i never ever thought i would ever do ) and to this day i still regret ... we broke up and i moved on with my life meeting another man and things were going great until "j" found out about us and wormed his way back in telling me he loves me and chooses me and promised me the world ... things didn't work and we split .. him telling me that he used me and was abusing me . this tim e i thought to myself this was over for good... though he still contacted me from time to time to make sure i was not with anyone else .. odd gets saying " are you alone " in this time he gave his wife another child .. i started another relationship with a man that would have given me the world .. he took on my children .. they had stability something they never had while i was with " j" 3 years ago he walked back into my life .. telling me that he can't live without me .. he's leaving his wife within 6 weeks.. he will give me a baby we will marry ... i finished with my partner and really believed what he was saying .. i love this man more than words can ever say... he told me that him and his wife are over they live separate lives he doesn't sleep with her they don't do things together and they had no connection at all.. a few months in he told me he wants us to try for another baby ,,, a week later he told me his wife was pregnant ( everyone will now say i should have kicked him out of my life for good but its really not that easy for me ... ) i was mad extremely and so heart broken my world felt like it had shattered ... but i moved on from it trying to see through it ...

this is extremely hard for me to put everything into words with everything that happens ..

i know "j" is mentally abusing me .. he tracked my phone.... he goes through my house when i am not here , he hates me going out , makes me promises he won't keep.. he hates me working in an office with men.. i know for a fact that he uses ( used ) gay sites ,,, all of these he denies and that i have no proof but he thinks i am silly !!! tells me I'm paranoid! he punishes me for my past constantly bringing up my past and throwing it in my face.. tells me to trust him with secrets then uses them against me in arguments...he constantly accuses me of having affairs .. texting men and i am not aloud social media

we were trying for a baby last year and finally in dec i fell pregnant but "j" went mad and told me it was the wrong timing .... i was heart broken but knew i wantd this baby ore than anything in the world ... but i got very sick and was told i had to choose between babies life and mine and at 15 weeks i had to have my baby boy and cope with this all alone including the funeral .. after this all happened he started paying me attention again and telling me he won't let me go....

last week i had enough i told him i cannot take any more i cannot take the stress its killing me ... i cannot live a life... i am stuck in my house i am not able to give my children the life they deserve .. because I'm not able to do things without him ...
if i try and end it or give him ultimatums he just doesn't let me if i tel him its over he doesn't take it as over...

if he didn't want to be with me then he wouldn't make the effort like he does... I've met all his family all his family know how in love with me he is.. we go on holidays ... he buys me gifts .. i am in love with this man but he is killing me .. he says he will be here by sept but how do i know if he will just move the goal post again!!??? will he ever leave her? my family thinks he sees me as a pretty possession... I'm 6 years younger than him.. I'm attractive ( i think ) slim and i think make him happy ... his wife short ... wide and a plain jane

i just don't know what to do :( i feel so trapped ,,,
gmouse81 gmouse81
31-35, F
5 Responses Aug 17, 2014

I want so much to be able to sit and talk with you as a therapist. The first thing would be.to understand why it is that you allow yourself to be in an unhealthy and controlling relationship. More times than not.it.stems from your childhood and is not your fault at all. There's so much to say on this and to.tey to.work through in order to be able to recognize your self worth and to be rid of him. If you'd like you can private message me and we can talk. I never want to push things on those who arent necessarily ready to receive

I'm so sorry you have gone thru all if this. I think part of your problem is that your relationship has skewed your thinking. Until you get away from him you will have trouble seeing it.

Firstly wow. That's a lot of stuff to deal with. Most importantly NO MORE BABIES! not sure what all this talk of let's have a child is achieving.
And I'm sorry to hear about your baby though, heartbreaking.
I can't see how this is a healthy relationship at all hun. You're still young and can make a brand new start. I'm a mess because I want my guy to give up his part Time girlfriend, but be buggered if I stayed around whilst he gave babies to someone else and pushed me away whenever he wanted! You're worth more than him and I'm sorry, I know u love him, but love is sometimes blind, you can do better than this. You need some confidence rebuilding to show you he isn't he source of your happiness-in fact, he is the cause of your unhappiness. Read your post back-we all write in the way we want the reader to respond. You give off an air of hatred towards him, u make me feel like I should not like this man. Which indicates its how you truly feel. So chuck him off that pedestal and get the hell over him xx

Let me start by saying I am so sorry you are going through this. Love truly is blind, but it almost sounds like you have more fear than anything. Let's assume you get this guy all to yourself, is life going to really be enjoyable? If he can have this much control over you and every aspect of your life from a distance, just think how much more he will have if you two are exclusive. We always want to believe that there is a way for things to be better and our optimistic sides allow us to believe that change will occur. The realistic side is that it will probably just get worse.

I know it sounds incredibly cliché but time really will heal this. You have to put time and distance between you and him to see the truth. History does repeat itself, I think you can see that. The only person that can guarantee it doesn't is you. And I think you already know what you need to do.

Thankyou for replying I do know but I feel as if if I let him go or at least try to end it what if I'm giving up all I ever wanted .. I do want him but he needs to stop his abuse .. He says he hurts me to hurt himself?? I want him to trust me but he doesn't and I don't trust him either but he doesn't see why I don't? If I try to walk away he doesn't allow it he tells me " you know you and I will never be over " this is just so hard I'm glad I've found this group though .. My friends listen but they don't understand ... X.

I know what you're saying and how you're feeling. I spent quite a bit of time in an abusive relationship and I never saw the light while I was in it. Looking back I see just how toxic it really was. From the view of an outsider and victim of past abuse, I don't believe anything will ever change nor are you missing out on anything by leaving. What you are doing is holding yourself back from all the beautiful things life has to offer. He says the things he says to keep you there while he has his cake and eats it too. My biggest regret in life is allowing anyone to keep me from being the best mother I am capable of being. You definitely don't want your children to resent you for putting him above them when in the end, the inevitable outcome is that you are alone, children are grown, and you have regrets.

Decisions like this take not only time, but an immense amount of strength and courage. And you have all of these things, put them to use when the time is right for you. You will someday find that your happiness and fulfillment come from you (and you children), not a man who controls you while still living his double life.

We all have clouded judgment from time to time, it's these experiences that teach us and make us who we are. I hope the clouds thin out and you get the moment of clarity you need to make whatever you feel the right decision is.

It's okay, you will have a better life soon. He will be out of your life soon.

I wouldn't bank on it he won't ever let me go and have a " normal " life x