Im so lost. Feels like im drowning..

My MM and i had a fight last weekend. I nagged at him y hes not calling me that day unless i told him so.. He said why is it being an issue since i can txt him if i want him to call me.. He got pissed and ended the call.

I aplogized and said sorry but ignored me. He just txtd me that hes home.

Fast forward to today, monday. Ive waited for him to contact me but nothing. I texted him a couple of times and tried calling him but to no avail..

After work i sent him texts and the last one is asking him if im still part of his life or he just left me.

Maybe u may say im demanding or i shouldnt have done that and i should have given him space..

But i dont know if youve read my previous post but same thing happened to us.. He just disappeared. As i was trying to move on, he came back after a few months.. And then we're together again..

Now, im scared that we are on the point again i our relationship.. I just want him to tell me that we are over and that he doesn't love me anymore..

I dont know why hes so mad at me? What should i do?

Do you think he will come back?

Im totally confused.. I can't concentrate on my work and i was so agitated the whole day..

Please, if you can give me ur advice..
Rogue9926 Rogue9926
31-35, F
5 Responses Aug 18, 2014

Ignore him. Seriously. He will be back. But is he worthy of your love? If it was too much for him, could he not have said he needed a few days NC?

Well at some point most of us have been in this position before. But in my humble opinion don't move.

Women and men function differently. We tend to function up and down. Where as men function in and out. Example: We women function up and down or high and low emotionally. When things are good we are in an emotional high and when things are bad we tend to be down in the dumps. Men may not understand how translate that emotion state and can often see our down moods as whinny and needy.

Men they function in and out; example. When they are in a positive state they pull in to the relationship more and want to be close. When they start to feel smothered or feel that they are losing self identity they often time move outward or pull away and that usually results in them not wanting to be close in the relationship. When this happens women respond in a downward emotional state because that's are natural tendency which means we get upset and depressed about what's happening. Unfortunately, the man reads that state of emotions as out of control and whining which causes them to pull away more.

So in my humble opinion chill, lay low, don't contact him. Give him space. This will be hard cause you love him and you want him to understand your hurting. And you are thinking if he loves he should want to be with you and express it in action that he loves you. But you should initiate no contact. Let him reach out to you. While he's away give that time to yourself to reflect what you want from him and this relationship. Once he contacts you do not continue the relationship until you have made it cleared to him the ground rules your needs what you expect from him and the relationship. Be prepared for him to do the same. You may even find out once he comes back that he may not be the person you want to be with or this may not be the type of relationship you want to be in.

That is great advice & what I needed to hear too.

My BF gave me this advice for a friend just the other day. He told me men innately like the chase. So smothering and over extending and being unnecessarily needy can be a turn off.

I just hate games. I am direct and honest (odd I know dealing in this kind of situationship).

I get it. Me too. But I think they are a necessary evil to some extent. Just this one coy game.

Well I guess the best way to describe how men and women interact with each other as a game. But honestly I don't think most people treat their relationship as a game and strategically or methodically think of how beat to behave and act in a relationship. A lot of time the advice we receive or give is interpreted as a game move.
It really helps if men and women try and understand how each sex communicate. Once that happens the crazy brain train thinking stops and couples can navigate through issues much better. Because men and women are just wired differently men and women will communicate and perceive things differently.

2 More Responses

A lot of MM choose to be with us because we give them a reprieve from the neediness and nagging they are subjected to with their W.

Dudes hate neediness. It's a turn off to feel obligated to contact us. They would rather pursue us...hunt us, otherwise they are just getting a side wife with all issues included.

I feel needy too. I get upset occasionally when I don't always hear from him when I think I should. But I never tell him that...because in the role we have chosen, we are entitled to nothing, promised nothing.

So I have a close man friend who listens when I whine and reassures mr so I keep my ctazy a secret from MM.

Now you know your MM..obviously I don't. But my suggestion is to back off now. Stop hounding him about anything and let him come to you. He is avoiding you at the moment so give him space or walk away.

I agree with you! You are v perceptive.

My MM once said to me when we argued (because I wanted a routine to meet him )- ' you are becoming like her!' They want the freedom that is not part of the routine life they live. That is why the sex is amazing always and you feel like you could smile all day because of the ecstasy of being in love. I am certain the feeling is almost like being on drugs.

To forget him, I went cold turkey for two weeks. I broke it today. I am ashamed to say I started stalking him. His wife went with him to the clinic. I can see that she is the possessive type. I was standing in a corner and I saw the fear in his eyes. He called later. We talked. He was still gentle with me but he told me to give him space. I am beginning to feel that he is selfish. I know his love for me will soon turn to fear.

Sigh. I don't know how long it will take for me to recover.

Did he tell you that he was going to that specific clinic?

Omg stalked9 sorry the question was not meant for you..

???

No. He did not. What I did was foolish and stupid.

I have done that before when the same thing happened. That was 10 months ago.

I left him alone but he came back after 3 months and told me that nothing has changed and still loves me..

Im scared right now. I dont like the waiting game.. Will he come back or is this really it?

Why cant he just tell me that he doesnt want to continue us.

You are forgetting that, as the OW, you have power (as any woman). You could have lots and lots of men falling at your feet if that's what you wanted. He knows this. You're handing him all of your control and all of your power on a silver platter. Distance is a powerful tool with men. So is confidence. Don't be afraid and weak. If you feel that way, don't show it.

There is a difference between backing off for a while (as you did before) and being passive. Right now, to me, it sounds like you are waiting for him to call all the shots.

Make an executive decision regarding what is about to happen, and never lose sight of your strength, your courage, your womanhood.

The same thing was also said by my bestfriend.. She said that mm knows just how much i love him and he uses it to his advantage knowing that whatever he does, im still here for him..

So what do i do now? I will initiate nc? How will i keep myself from not texting him. Why is this so hard? Why cant he just tell me its over so i can start moving on..

Do NOT contact him. In fact, don't respond to his first couple/few attempts to contact you. Have faith, it works. YOU end it if you want it to be over. If he loves you, he'll chase you. If not, it'll hurt but it wasn't really that big of a loss anyway, because the feelings were never real. Flip the script. Take the reins.

Im scared that he will not contact me anymore.. Why do i feel this way? What if i keep waiting and waiting but nothing..

Because you are emotionally invested, and terrified of abandonment and rejection. That is human. These relationships are very risky. It's a real possibility that you will wait and hear nothing. If that is the case, what are you really losing? This doesn't sound like a very satisfying relationship for you. You need to care less than you do. Easier said than done, I know!

I agree with Stalked9. Ok so he doesn't contact you? Then what? You have to be confident in YOU; and learn to be comfortable with rejection. You can not base your happiness on another person. Yes it sucks to get kicked to the curb but why would you want to be with a person under "conditions". You want unconditional love. And not tied to a person who is indecisive and not sure if YOU are someone who they want to have in their life. Know your worth and your value adds. Hold to that and except nothing less. If your weak and a mess then thats what attract. If your confident and sure of your self can command more and will attract the best.

Then you grieve and you live. That's what we all do. But perusing him isn't going to work, it doesn't with many MM. Stalked is right, for many it's playing the predator.

10 More Responses

I think you should take control, do not rely on him, as you say, he is a married man and he will have divided loyalties always. Maybe you should be brave and put a stop to it?

I tried breaking up with him, when i build up my confidence to do so, but it just disappears when i hear him say he loves me.. I always wanna break up everytime i feel the hurt but cannot do it.

It sounds like he is using you. If you don't finish it he will continue to do so. I'm not sure somebody who would happily cheat on his wife is somebody you want a serious relationship with anyway. If you want happiness in yourself you gotta go.

A lot of men run when they feel backed into a corner. I learned that with them, when I nag or become possessive when I give them they're space they want to be around more. Its reverse psychology with them, theu enjoy the chase. If I get into it with my man I dont text him at all and like clockwork he texts me wanting to talk, etc. There is nothing more deadly than a woman's silence. I suggest just letting him be he will undoubtedly come back because they can't stand being left you have more power in this than you may realize