Can't stop crying. I know he's with her tonight. He's made his excuses that he's with his best friend in town, and already cut our conversation short. I know the way he does it. I've the seen the txts he has had to give her in the past whilst with me. But since he had space from us both 7 weeks ago I meet envisaged him reeling her back in. Guess I've been too since we've met two weekends in a row now. But this time he's denying she exists. Just the odd txt apparently. But I read his phone last weekend. They don't see each other much at all but he is classifying her as his girlfriend still. Keeping me in the dark. Yet no instigating on his part to see me. Not really. Despite having two possible meet ups soon. What am I doing chasing rainbows eh?! He may txt me soon as he wakes, every minute of every day and on occasion tells me he loves me.even makes love to me, I mean passionate fulfilling sex I've never had before. Yet he won't call me his beautiful girl, he doesn't give me what I want, the affection is sparse if I think about it. Yet he feeds it off me, loves it. But then he calls me endearing nicknames most days, always says goodnight last thing.but prob does the same to her too.
I can't take this pain. I can barely type here trough these tears. I want a man that clearly doesn't want me back, I'm right aren't I?! I'm seeing what I want to see all the time. I know my situation is messy and he doesn't want to enter my life like this, he's said lets see why the future holds etc but right now, shouldn't he be at least being honest with me? Or letting me go? This limbo crap is soul destroying. I'm so annoyed at myself for allowing me to lose myself, my integrity and dignity to someone who doesn't respect me one bit. I thought our friendship would always be first and foremost. But these lies about her...that's broke the trust right there. I'm a fool to believe a cheater would be anything different to me. I would have given him anything and everything. Not in a pathetic way but our relationship is so much fun, has so much connection and conversation and everything...we could have been so very good.
I just need some support please xxx
foreverWantingMore foreverWantingMore
36-40, F
7 Responses Aug 18, 2014

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I so feel for you...........

I think I would have a hard time with him lying to me. To survive this type of relationship (if you aren't just in it for the physical relationship), I think you need trust?

First time in three years I've not trusted him. I can't call him out on it because I checked his fone and found out so I would be to blame. But you're right, after how this started how could I ever trust him?! He had so many morals, never cheated before but apparently I was the exception. He justifies it so much because we were 'first'.

Here's what I think....I think you already suspected which is why you checked his phone. Go with your gut. Someone on this thread said run and I agree. You don't deserve to be lied to or to be in a relationship that already has trust issues. These things are hard enough!!!!

You have plenty of support right here. You absolutely don't deserve this type of treatment. If he cannot give you what you need, then be firm. It hurts. God how I know it hurts. Only you can decide what to do. Just remember YOU come first.

You know when u think are you cutting off your nose to spite your face? Of I got rid of him completely I've lost a friend...a lover...the possibility of something happening. But in the meantime I am a mess. Everyone is noticing changes in me. Concentration span etc. I'm in a dream world only it's crap. My children need me back to being happy again. I feel he is my source of happiness which is ridiculous because only I should be my own source of happiness! I know the words to say and what to do...I just wish I knew of If did it, it would all turn out ok.

And thank you xxx

hang in there - go get your nails done. go see a friend. go for a walk. do something you like to do that brings you joy. I am speaking from recent experience & have been doing that for the past few days. It doesn't make it easier and the hurt still lingers, but men, I don't think, think about this as much as women. So be good to yourself. Don't worry about any truth, lies or assumptions (that is the hardest for me!). Minutes seem like hours. Hours seem like days. Days seem like months.... I get it.

But Find some TV show and binge watch it. Read a book. Go DO something where you get out of your head... Hang in there. The answers you are looking for will come in time. I know all about the limbo and am trying , as best I can, to be present and be focused on what I am doing for me. It is okay to be selfish and look out for your heart. If you are hurting more than you are getting out of it, then it's okay to ask for a break while you figure it out.

huggs.

I absolutely believe men do not think about it like us. I had a male friend tell me that men have one thought process. If they say it.....they mean nothing more and nothing less but exactly as they said it.

Ha yes this seems very true. He doesn't really have hidden agendas behind his words when talking about feelings. I usually get - I'm confused. I don't want anyone else but you. But for some reason I can't see a future. Is it because you're still married with kids? Because we live different areas? Because we haven't dated enough? He says if we met years ago before all this stuff (ie. my life events) then it prob would have worked. All cop out answers really tho. If he loved me now he would just say he would wait surely? Do men wait?

If they love you they do. Mine did, for just over a year. He told my cousin (the only one who knew about us for the longest) that if it took until his last day on this earth for me to be his, he would die a happy man. Men in love wait.

He's always come back after I've let him go. I guess every time he's come back my situation has never changed though. Maybe this time I need to take ink consideration his view on things and sort myself out so he can view me with fresh eyes and actually imagine a future. I guess I've never made it easy.

Thank you hun. Big hugs to you too going through this. What they actually get out of it all I really don't know. Why have two women?? I was always first. As a friend. Emotionally attached mind. And sexually but not physically until this year. Never committed at all. It was from afar. So every girl that came into his life was the new woman. And every one faded away because they wasn't me. So he says. This girl comes along. But I come along physically in person half way through. Made him crazy. He got pretty messed up. He's never cheated before. He's a good boy. But then he must have for used to it. But now-why have her back? Should have just kept me out of it and moved on. He's now CHOOSING to have both. but again, she's the girlfriend and I'm coming into the game. It always comes back to me. I wish he would realise that. He can't love her if he comes to me. But he can't commit to me because I'm still married, live away and need to deal with my stuff first. He's said that. But still....I don't get enough from him.
Tears are overriding the joy now.
Keep strong hun, you're doing so good x

Can u believe he didn't lie. He txt loads after which wouldn't have happened if he was with her. Talked for ages as he walked home and showed me pics from the night too. Trust issues definitely apparent tho because I still know he classes her as his girlfriend.

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Me and him could of been so good too. I'm not saying I don't have my own problems ( because I do!!!) but he is so damaged and brainwashed and in denial. How is it possible to be madly in love with somebody who will never be yours but stay friends as well? I believe you may have asked that before and I gave what I thought was a decent answer. Truth is....its not possible when this week you two are sleeping together next week nothing next week endearing names, etc.... etc... I am in a constant state of confusion, pain, sadness and anxiety. But each time i try to give him up- those feelings become 10,00 times more intense and I go back knowing all we are ever going to be is friends although he is going to continue stringing me along on and off- giving me hope then pulling it away giving hope then pulling away. Anyway I just want you to know you have my support and you are not alone in your tears. I have never cried more in my life and yet through it all- all those terrible feelings including massive jealousy and resentment I keep crawling back because I'm in love with him and he is what I know. *sigh

See I read that and think run girl run! You're better than that!! But in the situation it's hard. On paper it's easy to give advice and say give him up. But they so give these little bits of hope. I told him the other night I want all or nothing and he said I can't have either. Brilliant. He's like the master and I'm obeying. Disgusting. I am one of the most confident women I know. But my feistiness is disappearing each day.
How long has yours been?

I am not one of the most confident people and he absolutely plays on that. Right now we are also "friends" who keep crossing the line. He's with her tonight also- tells me straight out because it shouldn't bother me since we are friends. She is a sociopathic lunatic who picked him up in a very weak time in his life and made him fall madly in love. Her true colors are coming out now but he loves her. Yet he keeps this up with me but always says everything is on my terms and how i feel.....yeah right!!!! Two years now but technically I have known him for 7.

Wow that's a long time. And yes this friends thing...been doing it for ages too. We have been platonic friends mind. I've suppressed my feelings a good few times. And him too. This is the first time we've been into each other at the same time where we chose to become involved physically. That's why the game has changed. I'm infatuated now. He wasn't mine before. Now I feel he Is a little.
He used to tell me straight out where he was etc. but these last few weeks he's kept her a secret. I really do not understand why!!!!

Oh girl I completely understand the infactuation sp? and even as far as obsession in some. Maybe he believes in his male brain that he is sparing your feelings? Aaahhh such bs We were actually all friends at one point and in his head im okay hearing all about her and what they are up to. I. I literally get nauseous and my stomach drops everytime he mentions her. But remember in his mind we are just "friends" involved in ....well i really have no idea. Anxiety is my biggest enemy....ugh this sucks!

Urgh that sick feeling. Got it now. He's just msgd me but I've not opened it. I asked if he was drinking on a Monday night?(he's out with best mate apparently) !he wrote just YES. Rubbish. So I said 'ha ok...' So he know what I really think. God knows what he's wrote bk but ill be made to feel the psycho one since I've accused him (jokingly) for a couple weeks now.
Sparing our feelings?! Ha what a joke. But yeh probably in some weird way that's what it is.
We are just friends now. Like u. With that label. I actually had no intention of staying with him weekend before last. But after almost 12 hours, the tension was growing and we knew what we wanted. But then after, no talk of it! Oh no! We did talk last weekend mis where I gve him chance to admit he's with her. I also told him to let me go forever. He held me closer and reassured me. Oh and said I do love you. 'Do'??!!
How often do u see each other?

Sometimes i want him to message me so bad but then he does and when i see it come through my stomach drops. And many times i will open it and it is not what i wanted to hear. He also ends up making me feel like yhe crazy one and I also end up apologizing for I literally dont know what!!! I think my guy truly believes he is sparing my feelings. We spent the night two weekends ago and no speaking of it period but then today he is asking me if I want to keep our texts friendly or more. Going on and on about what he does for friends and how he treats each friend differently. I said are you having sex with all those friends pretty regularly?! And btw we were at one time NOT anymore. Like I said Ive known him a long time Used to see each other all the time (as legit friends) Recently i didnt see him for 3 months then saw him a week later then 3 weeks. Seeing me is not priority for him.

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Absence makes heart grow fonder. And that's very valid point used by my MM, yet I couldn't follow his main piece of advice, and always fallen for it. But not anymore. Whether he is with her or not is not actually the problem here, the problem is he's not with you, although you deserve it. Don't override on being jealous, that will destroy you. Let him be there, let him do what the hell he wants over there, but don't give in next time. Keep your values!! Take care and if you need chat, let me know

Thank you xx yes it's true and every time I've backed away before and essentially got over him, he would come back within a couple months and declare his love for me. But never any promises of a future. I've never had those. So almost 3 years of friendship that's crossed the line over and over and for what?? I can't stay like this forever. And if she's that awesome, why talk to me everyday and want me?? Was supposed to go over next week, but I'm definitely cancelling. I think I may actually be done after tonight. How dare he not tell me he's back with her. The one thing we had was honesty. He's screwed it up.
I need to keep this anger to move on. I need to end the contact too. Because being friends right now isn't going to work. X

Strange thing I figured out - when i am all beaten up and sad and hurting within every inch of me because he's dropped me again, he just doesn't care, he is playing his game cool. The moment i start to overcome my feelings and just enjoy the moment i live in, there he comes with oh honey you are so amazing. It's the push and pull game. I have made a decision, no more pulling! He's now back in his "playing it so cool" despite promising me something completely different last week. So we will see, i don't get fool endlessly. It's only when you prepared to loose him, he will start following. :) Keep strong, if that's not what you want. ;) x

He never went out with her. I got it so wrong. He txt loads afterwards when he was walking home and showed me pics from the evening too. He could never have found the time to do that had he even with her. Can't believe I had it wrong. But still...he classifies her as his girlfriend so at some point ill still get lied to eh

Excellent, don't become paranoid and jealous as this will not help you on the long run. ;) Especially if you are in a competition, you need to be strong and basically take it, waiting your moment. ;)

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