I need a bit of a distraction at the moment, so I thought I would share a little bit of my backstory. WARNING - THIS IS LONG.

I thought I was fairly happily married. Been with my husband since I was 19, and we had two beautiful daughters. About 4 years ago, my husband started acting very oddly. Visibly troubled by something. This was shortly after the first daughter went off the college. It was also around the time that my over-40 hormones kicked in and we were enjoying some of the best sex of our lives.

One day we were taking a trip somewhere (we always talked best in the car for some reason) and he told me he was bisexual, and had been struggling with obsessive thoughts, dreams, fantasies, etc., for quite some time.

Was I shocked? Yes. We talked about it for quite a while (it was a long car ride) and my impression was that he was asking for a hall pass type situation, to try to get it out of his system. Now, looking back on it, I have a lot more clarity and insight, mind you, but bear with me and let the story unfold as it truly did.

I am a pleaser, a fixer. And he was visibly in distress. So I agreed to think about him having a hall pass to try to get it out of his system. I asked him to give me a few days.

After being pretty much pestered about it for the next few days, I agreed, with obviously some very strict rules, etc. Over the next week or two, the hall pass evolved in him wanting to find a permanent, but infrequent, play partner.

I agreed. One of our rules was if it ever bothered me, all I had to do was say stop and he would.

Now, I was pretty naïve back then. I didn't know that there was a whole subculture of men looking for men for casual sex on craigslist. He educated me - told me that is where he would find someone.

He then proceeded to find someone. I initially said I didn't want to know anything about it, but at times I would get curious and ask. Apparently one of the people he met as a potential playmate was a high school friend. He said he was shocked by that! At the time I didn't know who his partner was. I actually never knew when he went to meet him, etc. It never cut into our time.

Fast forward maybe a few months. I started feeling jealous - not of him being with a man, but of him having some fun and exciting outside our marriage. I told him that. He told me I could do it too, but I couldn't do x, or y or z, etc. Basically, I had to conform to what he was willing to tolerate (which, if I so choose, was to experiment with another woman). Now, I like men. I am not sexually attracted to women as a general rule. But, I tried it - sort of as a bucket list thing, lol - but it didn't satisfy the itch. I mentioned having an open marriage. He blew his top. This went on a for a few months, and I eventually called a halt to his activities, but not before I found out his play partner was a family friend he has known since 5th grade AND who for some reason I never understood would NEVER come over our house if I was home.

Meanwhile, I found myself looking at him differently. Feeling differently. Not being as attracted to him sexually. Fantasizing about other men I know.

We tried to put the whole thing behind us.

About a year later, I caught him with a different man. That prompted me to look in his email and on his phone. I found evidence of multiple men. He never stopped, just pretended he did, and here I was sleeping with him the whole time. I told him I was leaving. He begged, he pleaded. He said he would get counseling. He thought he had a sex addiction. Yada yada yada. He went to counseling and then I went with him. He told me and the therapist that he was not bisexual and that he didn't know why he had this "weird" phase in his life, but it was over.

We kept going to counseling and we tried, but in January of 2014 we decided to separate (although I am not moving out until March of 2015). The day after we decided, which was my birthday by the way, he was on his phone and email hooking up with his two main men. Not bisexual my ***. If that is what he is, he should own it. In any case, that only validated my decision to leave.

I struggled with feeling shallow for not being able to overcome this. But I am just not attracted to him anymore. I have too many images in my brain. I look at him now and I see these feminine traits that he had all along and I never noticed. No one knows his secret except me and his "men." He doesn't want to tell anyone. I respect that. My counselor says I shouldn't have to carry that secret, but I am not going to destroy the father of my children.

There were many many things he did during this time period that was out of control and showed poor judgment. The stories I could tell.....

I wonder if this is something that happens to a lot of women, or just lucky me. :)

Sorry for the book. Once I got on a roll, I couldn't stop!

greeneyes2232 greeneyes2232
46-50, F
3 Responses Aug 19, 2014

That is like my story with husband. Turns out he was in be closet and having affairs for our 10 years together. I was faithful and stupid. I cried and begged for sex but never got any from him or anyone. That experience damaged me beyond belief. I am 3 years out and unable to have normal emotional relationships with men. I don't trust... One of the reasons I wanted a married
Man! If the were going to secretly chest on w then they could go with whomever they chose. I liked that my mm picked me.

Don't feel bad though. You can't fix gay. You deserve to be happy. And free good for you to have some answers.

So I guess it's more common than I thought. The hardest part was not being able to talk to anyone about it. Surprisingly enough tho, not one single person has asked us why we are getting a divorce. So that makes it easier.

I am divorced (11 years) for the same reason. My ex used to like to do the grocery shopping. It used to take him three hours. ;/. At least I got two beautiful children out of him. It is never a phase or an experiment.

At what point did you decided to start seeing your MM?

That was right after I caught the hubs.

How did the two of you meet?

Through a mutual friend. We run in some of the same professional circles.