I concentrate on all the bad stuff on here. I guess I'm looking for everyone to encourage some anger so I can grow the balls to walk away completely. I never tell any of you of the things he does.
Firstly I'll tell u I don't get promises things and happy ever afters. It isn't like that. He's pretty honest and says its a case of playing it by ear.
He hand makes me cards with drawings and cut outs of things that mean something to us. He organises dinners, and takes lead at restaurants which I'm not used to and I like that. When we spend the night together, without asking he places a glass of water each side of the bed for us every time. Simple yet sweet. He thinks of me. He listens and gives advice. He carries my bags. He's introduced me to friends and some of his family know of me. He always picks me up in his car. Never let's me go to the bar! There's lots of cute things.

But...he probably slept with her last night.
And that hurts.
He does lot of stuff but the stuff he doesn't do outweighs the good things. And that one lie-that she doesn't exist-is the crux of it all. Ill never trust him. I couldn't allow him into t children's lives. Could I?
foreverWantingMore foreverWantingMore
36-40, F
1 Response Aug 21, 2014

I understand this very well. I had all of the above too and, yes, the stuff that I didn't get in the relationship outweighed the the good I got. It is very, very hard to walk away and stay away. I was happy to come here and read that other women have the same challenge. Anger is an absolute gift because it will make you stop accepting crumbs. I started to want all that "she" gets--she gets all that I get and so much more. Sounds like your MM is a gentleman, so was mine. I KNOW my MM treats his wife like a queen. She can have anything she wants and it is his duty to make her happy. If he had energy left over, he tried to make me happy with the leftovers.

I know other people have different stories but there are a ton of stories like ours. If you want to leave it's OK to focus only on the bad so that you have the strength to do it. I have to forget all the good for a while so I can stay away. Later, in a year or more, maybe I can remember that there was love in my life at least to a limited degree. Whatever you do we are here to support you either way. Just know we can have so much more. We can have a relationship that never makes us doubt ourselves.

Your words echo my sentiments exactly. When we were together and he was attentive, I felt beautiful, protected and loved for the first time in my life. The cold, hard truth of the matter was I was settling for crumbs.

You are right to remember only the negative. Perhaps that helps us to heal.

Yes anger focus would be good. Ie tried it today. I've asked him over n over today to let me go. To say he doesn't want me. I get no clear signs its over. Dunno why I'm even lettin him have the say!!

Then don't. If you honestly know that you don't want to settle in the role as the OW than behave as such; which you have to leave this relationship. At this point he is content with having an affair and you as his Mistress. But it sounds as if you want and require more from him and this relationship. So you know what you have to do.

I've been asking him all morning what he wants. Since he knows what I want. He says he wants to be single. Says he enjoys being with me but I have stuff I need to deal with on my own anyway (divorce etc). Then when I ask of it truly will never happen I get vague answers. I never thought I would be the one he lied to or the one who didn't get it all. He's my best friend. Before his girlfriend came along. I'm acting all messed up and prob pushing him into the arms of his door mat girlfriend. But he makes me this way. How can u sleep with someone knowing they love you, knowing u will hurt them when u say u love them back, when I've no intentions of ever going the distance?? Fk this. I am so much better than this. X

Well...is he married or in a committed relationship? If hes not married then he has more flexibility to end his relationship. Now it maybe the case they have a mortgage together and that may present some financial issues. And if they have kids together that just means he'll have to deal with some custodial issues but
for the most part if he's not married he has more flexibility. If he's married then you know from experience it comes with more complications because of legal financial and custodial issues. But in saying all of that nothing is impossible. If he truly wants to be with you he will do his due diligence to make it happen. And I'm sure you would do the same.

Second point; your right he shouldn't sleep with him if he is in love with you. But honestly in this type of relationship the reality is its going to happen. One because face it sleeping with the W or GF is a form of deceit and a way to assure the W or GF that he's not cheating. It a survival method. It's hard to read and digest but that's the cold hard facts. In addition to that THEY have a history together. So it's almost expected that they will sleep together. Does it feel good to know this is happening...well no. But until he is truly free of her and you two are officially single and in a committed monogamous relationship they will probably sleep together. Keep in mind that just because they sleep together doesn't always equate to love.

Last point. Don't pressure and push. Men enjoy working to make the one they love happy. So let let him work for it. Think about what YOU really want. What your deal breakers are. Once YOU have identified what YOU really want and need from a partner (not necessarily him) and from a relationship then you can sit down and tell him. Be specific on what YOU expect and want. Then stick to it. Example if you truly have an issue with him sleeping with his GF or W and its a deal breaker for you then you need to let him know. If he can't commit to not do so then stand your ground and end it. That means you really end it. Because once you threaten or put an ultimatum to a deal breaker and you don't hold your ground his behavior will never change. And YOU will be unhappy and will regret him and have a lower self esteem. Have you ever heard of the boy who cried wolf? If so you know how it ends. So don't be the girl who cries I'm endingit.

Amazing advice thank you!
He has just a girlfriend. No kids or mortgage or anything. Free as a bird really. He's trying to convince me he's not seeing her anymore but I know he is. Even if its not official and he's not sleeping with her. He's keeping her dangling. Like me. I was kinda here first tho...emotional affair if anything. But he's even with her since start of year and me and him started physically seeing each other in may. He keeps saying he is confused. Doesn't want to commit. Had good talks today where he said he loves me, has feelings for me but is scared of my situation (husband and kids) and doesn't like commitment in case of getting hurt and being tied down. Yet he says his heart says me and his his head says no. He's proper messed up.
I stamped my foot and said enough. Altho we have this peculiar friendship where we know every tiny detail of each others lives every minute of the day, I think it's unhealthy for me now as I'm starting to obsess where he is etc. because he's not committed to me, I don't feel in control at all and at his beck and call. He's the prize. I'm the chaser. It's been the other way round a few times mind. This time I'm weak tho. So I said less contact and reevaluate he situation. He agreed. So I guess we try out being normal friends and take it from there. Which breaks my heart. But either way my heart was breakin anyway. At least this way I'm making the decisions x

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