I've Been His "Other Woman" Twice

I became his "Other Woman" when I was 23. For 2 1/2 years I made him happy. He was 13 years older than I am and this was back in the Dark Ages before PC's, Cell phones. When we worked together we had flashes of conversations. When we had different jobs we talked more over the phone and when I had an apartment 10 blocks from his new job, life was easier yet. We had great sex, lots of caring, love on my part, not enough consideration for me on his part and lots of guilt for him.

We broke up one night when I wanted just a bit more consideration and emotional support, and he had none to give. He lost his job the same night, and got a traffic ticket on the way home so I guess he did win the bad day award. LOL

24 years later he found me again and we reconnected like we'd never been apart although we are both older wiser and more sure of who we were to ourselves and each other.

Our story is not over yet. I thought I loved him then, but what I felt then hasn't a patch on what I feel now. Back then he felt he used me and didn't love me. Now he knows I am his soulmate. Now he knows what I am and what I mean to his life. And he's even better in bed!

TinkerDill TinkerDill
46-50
14 Responses Mar 2, 2009

Good luck to you TDill. I wish me and my man will be together for good...but the reality is it aint gonna happen.. I can only be his T.O.W... Yes..it is sad but there is nothing I can do...and I surely deserve better.

I don't know whether to applaud you or scold you, if indeed you have rescued your lover from a sexless marriage, then all props to you am in one and would definitely love to be rescued. If instead you were the cause of the sexless marriage and have caused his wife alot of pain all I can say is "what goes around comes around" <br />
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I am keeping my fingers crossed, wishing you the best in rescuing him from a sexless marriage, just please be kind to his wife she must be reeeaaaaally hurting if she truly loved him if she was playing him then serves her right. <br />
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I have worn both shoes: the lack of sex and the cheating husband and those wounds take time to heal.<br />
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I wish all people love and happiness

Congrats to you Dartist!! And to your man for having the stones to do what's best for him. My SO and I are into our 3d month living together (well, 15 days here, 15 days I'm out of state) but mostly it is going well. The issues and moods that I'm having are mostly due to the enormous upheavel I'm making in leaving my 'dream home' and all my dogs in order to be with him. I know he's given up a lot, but I'm giving up all my financial security if all happens according to his plan so there's a lot of underlying fear.<br />
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Also, I've never lived full time romantically with anyone so there are adjustments I'm having to make. Also, he has to get used to the fact that I'm NOT his wife, and I DON'T automatically know that he (who never eats potatos) wants french fries with hamburgers, only baked potatos with steak, and ONLY rice with chicken. Hello? Are these gastrononemous rules no one's ever told me?? And don't get me started on the laundry. I have no problems doing his laundry, it's doing it the way she did it which causes extra work (wash 8 pairs of of dark socks alone as a separate load? No. It's wasteful of resources, my time and unnecessary.) that drives me nuts. I absolutely drew the line at driving 40 miles round trip to get his permanent press pants PRESSED at the cleaners she used to save .35 per pair. Surprisingly, after he had to do his own laundry a couple of times, he thought the pants looked 'pretty good, and good enough' right out of the dryer... Ya think??<br />
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But I'm not really bitching. Because when he takes me in his arms, I forget everything except how amazing our love is. I know there are things I do that drive him nuts but he feels the same way when he's in my arms. What we have is real; the rest is small stuff, and you don't sweat the small stuff!!

The man I love is leaving his sexless marriage and is moving into his own place. We are making plans for a shared future together. These situations do work out. It takes maturity and willingness on both peoples parts to hang in there through the rough times. <br />
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Personally, I can't wait until we can share in the everyday events in life. Snoring a problem? Earplugs are not expensive. Doing his laundry? No problem. Cooking meals? I love to cook and am already thinking of ways to make our mealtimes an intimacy paired with good food and candlelight. <br />
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We are both going into this with the knowledge that we will have a life filled with all of the love and respect and laughter that we have been missing for so long. So the mundane everyday life that 'passion4ever' mentioned will not ever be a self fulfilling prophecy in our life together. <br />
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Tinkerdell, I am happy for you. That you are working things through with your soul mate. Blessings and hugs to you both.

Just to update this story. My lover DID LEAVE his wife on April 15th and rented an apartment that we share. I can only be there part time right now, but he's there full time. He still talks to her and sees her each weekend, but she's coming around to the fact that her marriage is over. We are very happy together and re the comment about being sick of hearing him snore I have to share this. Yes, he DOES snore. But it is so good to be in our bed together that I just close my eyes again and I'm out like a light. The other morning he told me that I REALLY snore, BUT that when he hears it, he realizes that a miracle has occured and we are together in bed and he reaches out to touch me, and falls right back to sleep! So, I think we're okay on that subject!

We're working on that Scootergirl. He actually tried to leave a month ago (see "Still the Lover of a Man in a Sexless Marriage). Now that she knows about us, the dynamics are very fluid, because he doesn't want to stay with her, he just can't see how he can cause her that much pain. However, he has told her over (and over) that he is in love with me, wants to marry me and will NOT stop seeing me. He promisted to tell her when he's seeing me (that did not go well, as she doesnt want to share and has some insane idea that he's going to recommit to the marriage. Not happening.)Tomorrow, he tell her he'll be gone most of Saturday afternoon and evening on a platonic date with me. Hopefully, he'll also tell her how much and often we talk on the phone and IM. When she knows how often we do that I think she will realize that this marriage is over. <BR><BR>She'll have the option at that point to cry, yell, or throw his *** out (which she should've done a month ago). Now that the reality has begun to sink in, she may realize that she is never going to have him exclusively again and in her anger may give him his walking papers. If she just cries, or screams, she may hold him another month or so, but I doubt it. The pressure to be with me is too keen.<BR><BR>I do deserve him full time, you are right. He wants me full time, without question or doubt. She refused him sexually for over 20 years, to the point where now that she's frantically trying to get him into bed, he can't get it up. Emotionally he no longer wants her, and his body doesn't either!<BR><BR>I really recommend the book "Will He Really Leave Her for Me"; like me you maybe one of the lucky ones who gets her man. But if not, this book will show you how to recognise what you have and how to cope with it.<BR><BR>Best of luck.

Hi TinkerDill<br />
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Don't you want him just for you? And doesn't want just you?<br />
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I can't bear the thought of my lover going back home to his wife & kids even though they are in seperate rooms. I want him to be with me - I deserve more than to have just what time he can spare.

Princess, you are a "tourist" - someone who visits a site that you do not belong to. Is there anything wrong with that? Not at all! EP is an open forum for everyone.<br />
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BUT, and it is a big BUT . . . you should be very careful about the comments you make, especially if they are critical, as your's is.<br />
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Unless you know the pain of being in a truly sexless marriage, unless you know the circumstances of those writing as personal experience, it is a bit rude to criticise.<br />
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Your situation sounds very sad and I'm so sorry you had such a bad experience.<br />
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But Tinker's man is light years away from the man you married. He is the victim in this situation - whereas you were the victim in your's.<br />
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Please take care when commenting because you can easily hurt others unintentionally. May your own life get better and may you have a happy future.

I was happy at first and then shocked when I read he still lives with his wife! I've been on the opposite side of the fence...thats why Im divorced. You say you share "passion". Well, of course you do! You arent Livng together and around each other and dealing with all the mundane-ness so many years spent together will bring! You arent sick of hearing him snore and cleaning up after him, and frustrated by his "lack of attentiveness" because you are the other woman! I wasted 5 years of my life with a loser, lost 3 babies(2 miscarried and Gabrial was still born) and after I had already had 7 healthy kids in a previous marriage. Drs said STRESS has alot to do with this! I feel very sad for his wife. And I feel sad for you in a way because you arent receiving the commitment you seem to desire. Marriage is hard for sure, and sure lots of people stay married for differant reasons. Just remember, he vowed to stick with Her for better or worse, a vow he obviously has stuck with. You are getting the short end of the stick. The pain you may feel/have felt, being the other woman is NOTHING compared to the pain you two have caused his wife. I know because as I stated before, my ex cheated on me and I lost 3 babies.

Hi Sweetseptember. I can tell you honestly I have heard him say "I love you" to her on any number of occasions. And it is always the same. It never contains any passion. It is only said so that if it is the last thing she hears him say, the words will be "I love you." It's a tagline.<br />
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When he says it to me, I can hear the difference. I hear the fervent tremor and timbre and I can hear the love in his voice. <br />
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He was on the phone with me when I read your comment. I told him how I felt per your question and he agreed that I called it absolutely right. There is no passion in their marriage. Only the affection of two people who have lived together for a very long time without touching.

how does it feel when he says he loves you then he also saying those 3words to his wife...

He has lived with her as a sister for over 20 years. They have almost 40 years together. And admittedly she is not hard to live with. Most refusers are, if they were difficult, the refused would leave much more quickly. She is not a 'New Age' strong independent woman. She has been there through thick and thin. But not on the level that's most important. He and I can (and have) told each other the deepest secrets of our souls. If she knew even one of them, she couldn't deal with it.

[HUGS] You are soul mates, but is he still with his wife? I have always wondered about guys who say that we (the other women) are soul mates, yet - they are still with their wives ... hmmm.... Good luck mate. I am in your corener - and hope he does not hurt you again.

I think this story has "DESTINY" written all over it!! Don't let it slip through your fingers this time - even if it takes time.<br />
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Remind him that the Universe has spoken, and it won't be denied this time . . Nor will you!!<br />
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Every good and caring wish for you both.