Day one of less contact went ok. There were msgs but maybe 10 compared to an average 200. He's out tonight. Makes me feel sick. he won't think of me. He will look at other women because that's what he does. I've seen him do it. My husband never does. My husband looks at me always and tells me I'm beautiful. Every opportunity he gets. And I push him away. He idolises me and I can't understand why. I want to be idolises for being good, for giving and sharing and communicating, not just for no reason. He treats me like a queen when I do nothing to deserve it. Like being paid a wage when u don't work. Will that elusive pair of shoes you've lusted after for weeks in that shop window feel still the same if they're given to you on a plate, free, easy, obtainable with no effort?
And the funny thing is-this is exactly what I do with my ap (or whatever he is right now). He doesn't have to fight for my attention. I willingly give it. Buy him gifts. Make arrangements, go out of my way, spend money on seeing him, anything possible to make him happy. And he lies there like a king and accepts it (he is grateful by the way, polite always), but he hasn't exactly earned it! I give it moreso when he backs away! It doesn't make sense. I am doing what my husband does to me. And it feels pathetic when I see it and I guess that's how I am viewed then too.
Eyes wide open here.
Just have to take my own advice now...
foreverWantingMore foreverWantingMore
36-40, F
2 Responses Aug 22, 2014

This is exactly how I felt about me, my ex, and my new hubby. I've written a bit about that before and how I made the conscious decision to choose the one who had stuck by me and chosen me above anyone else every time, and give him back what he was giving me since the day we met, instead of continuing to "waste" my efforts on the one who just kept running. It wasn't an easy road to take, but it has proven to be absolutely worth it.

Did you ever feel you didn't love him tho? Me and my husband are just not compatible. I don't think we ever were. I need so much more, I like being kept on my toes to a point, and having intelligent conversations and we can't have any!! It's at the point where I hate everything he does, even his loud breathing annoys me. That's why I've come to bed already and left him downstairs. Did u ever feel utter no hope?

I did at times, so I would break up with him and kick him out; but in my situation, I realized that a big part of that was my exAP. He would hear me complain about some small slight and then he would pick at it until it seemed like something huge, and I would start to see it as this huge problem. In reality, it was manipulation by my exAP. My hubby does things that annoy me, of course, but none of it is so extreme that it warrants the end of our relationship. Another part was that I never intended to fall for the man that is now my husband. I was completely and utterly in love with and set on having my exAP. But I did meet this man and he did sweep me off of my feet, so the fact that he was able to do that and the fact that he was willing to give me his all when the other person who was/is so madly in love with me wouldn't...idk, it just spoke volumes to me. I still love my ex, I know I always will, and as I've told him, I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that spending my present constantly chasing someone who doesn't really want to be caught and feeling like he was playing head games with me was not only tiring, but excruciating. What I have with my husband is different, we don't have that sixth sense of each other that my ex and I do, but the love and the relationship are no less genuine because of that. If you're unhappy with your husband, then my advice to you is the same as my advice to my ex was...leave and be on your own for a while, allow yourself and your kids to adjust to the split for a while before you make any decisions about being with your Other.

I've often been tempted, by someone I know, to be the other woman. But I don't think I could stand the pain you're dealing with.

It isn't worth it. I mean I was always the first woman though, it's been a few years of friendship/relationship but only recently we started an affair. I couldn't handle knowing she existed after just two dates! It's not for me I can tell you. He would be happy to continue what we have but I can't allow it to. I want more and nothing else is good enough.
Allow yourself a free man. It may hurt a bit but I wouldn't even touch until u know he's free. Because once it's happened, it hurts a whole lot more

I hear you. Thanks for your honesty.