My MM keeps telling me that his wife doesn't deserve what we're doing to her. Clearly he doesn't believe that enough to not do it, as we've been at this for over a year now, but he says it often enough that it is burned into my brain.

She will never find out. They're moving out of state next week and our affair will end. He's never not spent time with her, had sex with her, or honored an obligation to her because of me. He doesn't spend money on me. He says our relationship brought him out of a depression, and that plus their move will repair their marriage. He's moving them to a city where most of her family and friends are to take a job that will boost their finances and is buying her a pretty new house with an unlimited decorating budget. His affection and lust for her have increased significantly since he found out they are moving and that, plus over compensation from guilt, have made their home a happy one.

He's lived apart from her for two years except on weekends (he had to relocate for work and she didn't want to go with him), so he's never had sex with me and then gone home to her. It has always been separate.

I don't want her to ever find out because I don't want to hurt their kids. I never want his sons to have a reason not to adore their father. I've done everything I can to make sure I am a secret he will take to the grave.

So when he says she doesn't deserve it, I can't quite see what the "it" is. While I am not a victim in this at all - I chose to be in this awful mess every day that I did it - she will never have to lay awake at night comparing herself to me, knowing that he's touching someone else or hear about how awesome his life is going to be with someone else, thanks to her. She gets to spend the next 40 years with him, in a beautiful home, taken care of financially, emotionally and sexually. What is it exactly that we've done to injure her?

I envy her ignorance, the past that made him stay and the future ahead for them. I spoke to a therapist who specializes in affairs this week and she told me that looking for someone who has all of this man's qualities is equivalent to when men want a supermodel who is also an astrophysicist, so if I don't want to be alone I need to be ready to settle for less than him.

His wife gets a future with someone *that great* and I .....don't. I'm having trouble seeing her as the wounded person in this. None of us are victims, but the two of them really come out on top (isn't that how it always goes in affairs?).

I just really needed to get that off of my chest.

inaraserra inaraserra
36-40, F
4 Responses Aug 22, 2014

Sending hugs. Trust me, if his marriage would have been rock solid, he wouldn't have strayed. He is trying to ease his guilt and let you go in his own way. You will grieve, change and move on. You just need to focus on liking and loving yourself. Baby steps and just take each day as it comes when he leaves. Fill your time with positive people and things to do. You will wax and wane and come here to vent, but time heals the heartbreak. People go through similar emotions with even single relationships. These relationships are just a little more complicated as there are more people involved and society literally condones it, yet it is becoming the norm and has been throughout the centuries. It was the church/religion that changed things. I advise too and as far as settling for less, don't. It needs to be about you and everything will eventually fall in place. Hugs again.

Ps. Please preserve some power and some dignity and do not see him again before he leaves. I think you will feel sad and used if you do. Given how he is treating your feelings. At least this way, you said goodbye on your terms. If his life with her is so perfect, why does he need sex with you again before he goes.

So sorry for you. But it's a chance for you to make a fresh start with a clean break. I don't know whether it will make you feel better and maybe it would be nicer to think he is walking off to the sunset. I doubt it though. Whatever made him"depressed" in the first place is still there. At the moment he is full of the excitement of the move. Once normality kicks in, maybe it will be different. Again, it is not nice to think this but don't depress yourself thinking his life is perfect and yours isn't. I suspect long-term, if you choose your life partner carefully, you will be happier. And don't settle for less!!! I think you will find that you actually don't need to. I think he has treated you rather badly in terms of what he's told you about his feelings for his wife etc. It doesn't show much consideration for your feelings. I wish you the best moving forward.

Well written and precisely to the point, inaraserra. When it comes to MM/OW relationships, the mistress ends up hurting, unhappy and broken as often as the wife.
In his younger years, my father was a player and serial cheater. My mother didn't care much as long as his (considerable) paycheck kept coming. His mistresses, on the other hand, were left deeply hurt and, in some cases, irreparably broken.
I wish you the best. You truly deserve better.

You seem to mistake me for somebody who is stupid, smitten. For the specific case of my parents, my statement above holds true. To make a - rather simplistic - extrapolation to my own life, however, is misguided and offensive. Not to mention that I am not married, which, at least by definition, means that I am not "cheating." Why don't you take your "bunch of bull" and shove it up your own a**. And, while you're at it, take your leave. Don't let the door hit you on the way out.