.... or at least it seems that way...

I'm pretty sure that someone I've been talking to/involved with, lets call him M, has a girlfriend.

We met online about 3 years ago, not constantly, there have been gaps and breaks but recently we've been talking more and more. The way we talk to one another is almost as if we were a couple already.
We've never met one another in person (this may be changing before Christmas), but we have Skyped, had phone calls etc.

Anyway, recently I realised that we never really added one another on Facebook, not a big deal, I have friends I have known for years who I still dont have on Facebook. And one evening, curiosity got the better of me and i just thought i could have a cheeky Facebook stalk. Found his profile and it seems he is in a relationship. At first, I was a little surprised but not really that annoyed, I mean, we've never met, we aren't in any sort of relationship and we are just chatting etc. But then the more I thought about it the worse it felt, the way we chatted- if I was a girlfriend and realised my boyfriend was talking to other girls like that then I would feel like I was being cheated on.

We were recently talking about me travelling to see him and how he can't wait for me to be in his life properly, he was saying how he wants to take me out on a date etc and we got on to the conversation of how long it had been since the last time we had slept with anyone. He said it have been nearly a year since he had been with someone and hadn't been in a relationship for even longer. From his Facebook profile, he was lying about that.

I don't know what to do.

I know anyone else would be like ''well stop talking to him'' or ''confront him about it'', my friends have said both. But he is the first person, in the 4 years I've been single now that I've actually felt something for, and now, I feel its a difficult thing to let go of.

I feel like a total fool and a complete d-bag for carrying on talking to him, knowing full well he probably has a girlfriend.

What do I do?
HaightStreet HaightStreet
22-25, F
3 Responses Aug 26, 2014

I would say, you know we've been talking for so long and now we're planning this visit, would you mind if I send you a Facebook friend request? Just make it like Oh! Why haven't we added this before? You'll know what to do by his answer, because if he isn't hiding anything, then why not add a friend he's been talking to regularly for so long?

Thanks :) I'll probably give that a go!
I really hope he isn't hiding anything but all to he signs point to him already being in a relationship.
One of my friends brought up the idea of the possible girlfriend being a 'place holder' until I'm properly in his life like he wants. And to be truthful, if it's something like that then I'm definitely going to walk. As difficult as that may be!

I always try and see the good in people and it would so suck if I'm being taken for a fool! :/

No one wants to be taken for a fool or their emotions played with. Even "place holders" can complicate things. That's basically what my exAP's other OW was/is...he wanted to leave the crazy mother of his kids and his eventual goal was to be with me, but he didn't want me dragged into the chaos that he knew leaving would be. His intention was to basically throw this other woman under that bus and then once the dust had settled, move on to being with me, BUT he never clued me in on that plan and just thought he'd be able to do it and I would never know because we live in different states. His own brother busted him to me and I wasn't having that. It was hard enough to wait when he was in a sexless, roommate situation with the mother of his kids, but continuing to wait with a third woman in the picture was just far more than I could handle.

First, I would not assume. My husband and I have been separated since January and his FB status still lists him as married. I honestly think he doesn't know how to change it. :) I would ask him. Better to know now?

I have no idea how to go about asking him. The last thing I want to do is ask him outright! I do want to know now so things can either stop or can go from there, if he is actually single.

I'm usually very good at being direct and asking outright, but not when it's something like this!

What if you just sent him a friend request? Do you think he would accept it?

Same story as me. Except I was the one with a fiancé in tow. Met online for a chat. Nothing more. Fell in love owe six months. Came clean. Fell apart. Few weeks later couldn't handle not being in each others' lives. Began a friendship only thing. Online, phone, txt, Skype. 2.5 years later and a whole load of stuff in between (love/friendship/platonic/few days breaks/new girlfriends for him/my wedding) we finally meet - May this year. Start an affair physically. Couldn't handle him having his girlfriend. He then had space from us both. Except he didn't. I saw him a few weeks ago and saw in his fone he still called her his girlfriend. And the lies all of a sudden are on me.knocked me for six. He came clean to me Friday. Caught out. I have him chances-U should do the same. Caught him out easily and creatively so he had to admit it. U can do the same. You'll probably get what I did. 'Confused, didn't mean to fall for you, distance, she's the easy option' etc etc. don't be too hard on him. Unless he admits he loves her. I did it first-because it was fantasy that turned real then I came clean because I couldn't handle hurting him. Then he's done it me now because he isn't sure what he wants-the easy option her or the exciting best option-me!
Give him a chance to own up. Then go from there. X

We did meet on a dating website and I do genuinely think he was single when we started talking. A big thing that is in the back of my mind is that he told me he got involved with someone while he was at university and they were together for quite a while and then he found out she was in a relationship before her and M even got together!

I feel like a fool.
I have no idea how I would catch him out, or find out the truth. I'm not good at that sort of thing. After my ex, and everything he put me through, I never wanted to let myself become the jealous possessive type who searches through his phone etc, I just can't bring myself to be like that again!
How could I find out the truth? But before everything gets more and more complicated. The last thing I want to say is "I randomly stalked your profile the other day and think you might not be telling the truth about being single!"
I feel so guilty, carrying on talking to him knowing he might be with someone.