Time For Action

ok - so my story is quite short and the timescales are quick compared to some of you who are here.

I left my husband of nearly 10 years in October last year after having a fling with a married man, who I'd found especially for that - I didn't know him, all I did was sleep with him.  I don't feel good about it however it was the catalyst I needed to leave after 9 sexless years.  Of course, anyone in a sexless marriage knows it isn't 'just' the sex but everything that goes with it - the soft strokes, the cuddles, the touching....

And that was me, single - it was 2 weeks from telling him to leaving.  During that time I started IM-ing someone else as I needed to talk to anyone.  Something clicked between us and I think because of my emotional state I agreed to meet him for coffee, really just coffee and a chat. But during that meeting I got very upset and he reached out and touched me - and that was it. 

It was like an electric shock.

We kept seeing each other, he took me away with him on business trips and I was very cold blooded about it, joking about being the mistress and very condescending about myself.  He on the other hand seemed to fall hook, line and sinker - I would say to him don't do anything rash or change your life as if you do, you will end up alone.  That was back in Nov/Dec.

Obviously I spent Christmas alone although it was good - I had tonsilitis and a temperature so spent it wrapped up in my duvet on the sofa watching TV and not worrying too much about who I did or didn't see.

But when I get better, I started to consider how I felt about him and I wanted more - I got bored of spending my weekends alone and only having the time he could spare.  I don't want to be alone every weekend, birthday, valentine's day - which I was this year!

I also feel that the situation isn't fair on anyone involved - me, his wife, his kids (2 - 5 & 7) & him. Yeah, I know he's got the best of both worlds - me for laughs & light relief whilst his wife runs his 'real' life. This means no-one really gets the best of anything though.

My solution - he has until the end of this month to leave. 

Why this month? Well, both the kids birthdays are this month so I get that and by the end of the month we'll have been seeing each other 6 months.  I waited for nearly 9 years for my husband to sort his issues out and I've run out of patience.

Do I think he will? I really don't know, at the moment he's not sharing much.  I asked him about it last night and he said he's only just managing to hold it together as work has been hard this week, his daughter ill and her birthday is this weekend, so he couldn't talk about.  Apparently after the weekend he will be able to.

I guess it's a case of watch this space.....


scootergirl35 scootergirl35
36-40, F
9 Responses Mar 6, 2009

in many ways I wish he hadn't told me he was leaving as I don't want to feel hope.<br />
<br />
But and it's a great big BUT he hasn't actually mananged to tell his wife yet and that is the very least he has to do to see me again.<br />
<br />
And i think you are so right Enna - the way it feels to be held again. I can't work out whether it is actually him that makes me feel so good or whether anyone would do it. I know that sounds awful however I'm trying to get it clear in my head whether it really is him I want or not....

It's been a long time but I have some news....Well, lots of news really.

*cough* quite a bit of time on and we're married and have a beautiful 6 month old daughter. So yes, sometimes they do leave, no, it hasn't been easy on anyone involved.

I know that's a teeny short update but I don't have much spare time now.

Tinker is so right. Please follow her advice - it IS tough! But it will mean you keep your self respect while still giving him a chance. If he DOES leave, then it is feasible that the two of you can make a life together.<br />
<br />
Those of us in love affairs outside of our sexless marriages (whether or not we are free of our spouses) seem especially vulnerable to this situation. I think it is the sheer enchantment and joy of a RESPONSIVE person in oour lives after so mucch time. It makes us extra vulnerable.<br />
<br />
You have my very best wishes - and Hang In There!!

Ooooh Scooter! Hang in there!! You might just get him yet BUT ONLY IF YOU HANG TOUGH! Don't see him until he's got a new address. He can call, he can text. You can be there as emotional support. But NO SEX until he's moved out. If you are his impetus for leaving I GUARANTEE he'll find reasons to stay as long as he gets physical time with you. Once he's out, YOU START DATING. You've never had 'normal' time together, so you need to determine if he IS the man to spend the rest of your life with. Hang on Scooter! YOU CAN DO IT!<br />
<br />
private msg me if you'd like more support!

And now....<br />
<br />
Today he texted me to tell me he is actually leaving although he knows he's blown it between us. He said that he can't go on living a lie with or without me.<br />
<br />
So, what now?<br />
<br />
Is it what I want? How quickly will he leave? Will he really commit to me?<br />
<br />
I feel more que sera sera now so when I see him and tell him what my expectations are, I know that I will have given it me best shot.<br />
<br />
I'll let you know

I feel so stupid and betrayed - I don't know where else to share this....<br />
<br />
I feel worse about this than I did about leaving my husband of 10 years - why was I so so stupid?

You know, spookily - that's what's happened just this morning...<br />
<br />
Last week he started getting more tense and I guess I was as well as I've been finding it so very hard to not see him when I want. <br />
<br />
So at the weekend I txted him saying what's the point in waiting til the 31st, you can't do what I want so it's over. Many furtive calls (it was Mother's Day on Sunday here) and txts later I agreed that he could stay last night.<br />
<br />
And he can't do it - he says it's because he wants to ensure the kids are too disrupted but he hasn't talked to a solicitor or anything that would actually show me he's serious. And please, don't get me wrong whilst it's great that he's considering his kids, he's starting to sound like a broken record - can't make something, oh it's because of the kids....<br />
<br />
He kept asking today whether there was any sort of compromise we could come to. He just doesn't get that my whole life with him is one big flaming compromise. I fill my evenings up in the week with friends, courses and exercising and then he says I don't want to be sitting around waiting for you - well, what does he expect me to do, sit at home in a corner, in the dark waiting for him to come round!!!<br />
<br />
He's been saying that he's realising the full implications of leaving and that all that would change is that he wouldn't go home to the same house as his wife and he would see me more at weekends. <br />
<br />
That's what really swung it for me - he doesn't see what I feel or how lonely it is sitting at home alone a the weekend not able to share anything with him.<br />
<br />
I feel like he misled me as he was the one who wanted more and I told him no to start with. Now I want more, he has very cold feet.<br />
<br />
I don't quite know what's going to happen as he's away working today and then I'm out for the next 3 nights and this weekend is his son's birthday - maybe this is it?

So scootergirl, what's happening? I enjoyed some of your comments in other posts and then found your story.<BR><BR>I was in a similar situation, he was leaving and then the excuses started, I quickly saw what was happening and we started to fight a lot. I am in the "cut him loose" phase, it's not easy holding on to your dignity when he keeps saying "I'm doing the best I can, I need more time, etc. etc."<BR><BR>Let's us know how it's going. :-)

I'm about to start an "experience" or may be just a forum question, "How many times has your MM told you he's leaving"<br />
<br />
Mine's on his 3d. End of this week he'll either be Out of that house or OUT of my life. He's decided 3x I'm the one he wants and has told the wife (continually) that he's in love with me. He ALMOST got it right this time. He was supposed to say "I love her, I can't live without her, and Ican't be an honest moral person living like this, I have to move out NOW." IF he'd stuck to the script, he'd've been fine, but no. What he said was, "I love YOU, I'll never leave you, but I cannot and will not give her (ie Me) up" To which she replied, then leave, but when he said (again off script) do you want me to leave tonight she said 'no'. And he was back in their bed by 1 am. albeit no touching (like last night was going to be different than the last 20 years??)

i think he might keep stringing u along, promising to do something "next week" and an excuse, and then the "next week" he'll say he'll leave but nope. Make sure after the 1 month deadline u cut him off because i was stupid enough to be lead on for 10 months!