How on earth do I wrap my head around the fact that I am in love with a man who I can't have fully, and may never? How do I function every day when every day is another day he has chosen her over me? Every day is harder than the last. Every "I love you" he utters is a knife to the heart. Every kiss is torture. Yet there's always this hope that today might be the day. Today might be the day he finally chooses me.
greeneyes2232 greeneyes2232
46-50, F
8 Responses Aug 27, 2014

I truly appreciate and value everyone's input. Sometimes I feel like I have multiple personalities. Some days I'm Koko, some days I'm windchime, and some days I'm a dropdeadredhead!! Right now, I'm Koko. We had a great talk this morning. I'm feeling better. He is just so careful not to say anything like "when I leave her" because he's not 100% sure he will. They are still in counseling. I think he's thinking maybe she will change overnight. He has a lot of guilt around leaving her "alone" because she truly ca barely take care if herself. He gets her up every day so she won't be late to work. I keep telling him not to but it would affect their daughter too because she's a teacher in her school and if she doesn't get to work daughter doesn't get to school. So I tell him worry about daughter only. But he's been enabling her behavior for so long I think they are slightly codependent. On the other hand, he will talk about our future together like it's going to happen. How we'd decorate the house, the things we'd do, etc. I think he just needs time. But unfortunately because of he rejection I feel, I worry that it's damaging us. Well me, and my ability to stay in this. That's why we have a deadline for him to either tell me he still doesn't know what he wants, or he's staying with her, or he's leaving her. Because I can't do this forever. I just get angry sometimes because on the surface it seems he worries more about hurting her than hurting me. But he knows I'm strong and will survive. I think he worries she won't.

More like his counselor. Lol

We actually had that conversation once. We were basically saying we deal with this being hard now together, or we don't and go our separate ways. I said going our separate ways would be hard. He said you'll adapt. I said so would your wife. Silence.

I never told mine "choose me or lose me", but that's how I came to feel. When I did finally end things with him, I told him that all I wanted was for him to choose me and he couldn't do it. I wanted him to choose me like I had chosen him, even if it meant a long distance relationship, even if it was difficult, we could have made it if he would have just chosen me because I would know that I was his one and only, just as he was mine. He just never could bring himself to make a choice at all, and, to me, refusing to choose is a choice itself.

I left him with his wrong choices quite some time ago. I've moved on and am happily married to someone else. He is still "stuck" and miserable. C'est la vie.

torture for sure.........

I love that even though all of our situations are different, we can all for the most part relate to this heartache (unfortunately). It makes me feel less alone. Be well, love xo

Omg u just spoke my heart out ... ;(

This is me... Everyday i stay with hopes this will be the day. I wonder maybe today, what if im just 30ft from gold. And i hold on.

Love your life friend!! Be busy!! I am devoted to my mm 100% and love him with all of my heart, but I cannot put my entire existence on hold for him. You have to decide if the roller coaster is too much for you. Are you better off with him or without him?? Every single day is a chance for you to decide what you want in your life. You control your own life. You can be the master of your destiny!! Xoxox hang in there

Sounds like my days. I hold on to the hope that one day he'll be mine. If in lucky he will be one day. Good luck, keep your head up! I know it's hard