This is inspired by a very old post that popped up, and is not very PC as far as this group goes, but it's on my mind and I wanted to get it out.

My (ex?) MM used to always talk about how complicated life and marriage is, and how sometimes you have to go outside of your marriage to get your needs met but "can't" leave because "it's so complicated". When my friends would judge both of us, I would parrot that back.

As someone who has been on cheated on and cheated with, and used/heard this excuse a million times and now has the clarity of being left for the W, I say that this is a cheap cop out. If someone loves their spouse and their family and doesn't want to leave - and isn't in a poly/open relationship - then they should honor their commitment and choice and deal with what comes with being in that situation.

If staying in an unhappy marriage means that you don't have to create a ripple but also don't get the kind of sex you like, or don't get the affection you want,etc. etc. than that is what you've chosen to deal with. Life is all about choices, and if you choose not to divorce or leave because you don't want to deal with the repercussions then you don't get the benefits of a divorce, either. You can't eat only french fries and cake and never gain weight.

I think there are some exceptions to this, mainly when a spouse is really ill and the healthy spouse needs support and affection.

Mainly I am feeling angry at married people (um, specifically mine) who feel their lives are so intricate and complicated that they can't possibly change things but that they deserve the benefits of the change anyway. And I am *so* angry with myself for aiding and abetting that. Cowardice is not sexy; neither is enabling.

I'm certainly not above looking at my choices either. I chose to be someone's hobby when I want to be a full time occupation, and then I whine about how he won't leave which is so insane. It all just feels so sick and destructive right now. I want to make a giant sign and hang it in his room that says "You Are a Coward and a Liar" and make one for me that says "You are Weak and Have No Self Respect".

inaraserra inaraserra
36-40, F
4 Responses Aug 29, 2014

As time marches on I feel this way more often than not. Sigh.


There are many coward husbands i must say.. Sad but true.. They sparks the fire but never prepare if it goes into big flames..

True True

Actually, you can. (Eat only french fries and cake and never gain weight, that is.) All you have to do is to restrict your caloric intake to, say, around 1300 - 1500 kcal worth of cake and french fries, and not more. It's Physics, after all: as long as the calories you burn match those you consume, you will not gain weight, irrespective of where these calories come from. You make the connection to the remainder of your argument.

I don't think that's really the point of the post...

Of course not ;) I greatly sympathize with inaraserra and her situation - in fact, I would probably have slashed the tires of the moving truck. However, if your analogies don't add up, there is likely some issue with the logic flow of your argument. I don't think that the intrinsic problem is that her MM doesn't want to leave his wife and children; after all, she is the mistress, the "other woman". The issue is how he treats her. A mistress is not a "hobby" and I, for one, would be greatly offended to be considered one. Even if a MM doesn't intend to leave his wife, a MM/OW relationship should carry as much commitment and responsibilities as other, more socially sanctioned unions. For me, that means that his wife and I, the long-term mistress, have an equal say in matters that concern all of us: me, him, his wife, my kids, his kids.

Ok, I will amend that to say: You can't eat your regular daily intake of calories and then add a bunch of cake and french fries to it every day and not gain weight. In regard to your post below, I would never want any say about anything in regard to his kids, even if a magical unicorn granted my wish and I was his wife and their stepmom. They've got an awesome mother, she just isn't (in my super bias opinion) the right wife for him. And I think that in most people's cases, expecting to both be the other woman and be a priority is unrealistic unless it's a poly/open relationship (in which case you're not really the other woman, you're just not the primary or live-in partner).