Need OW perspective. I feel like I had a breakthrough with my wife this weekend. A breakthrough for me I guess. My wife was really sweet and showing she cared for me, and then I thought to myself Oh God now I'm confused about my feelings for her. After a short while though I started to realize I'm trying to forgive or forget a million bad things for maybe 1/2 hour of compassion. It's stupid. I always have known that one of my faults is I forgive too easily. But that's just the setup. Truthfully I was not ready to leave my wife without something to push me over the edge, such as my OW or some events I see coming later this year or next year. Now I think I am. I think my mind has finally got itself straight on the issue. I do care about my wife but I don't love her. I would like her to succeed in the future, but I can't be the husband she needs because she wants different things than I want. We are on totally different paths and we just need to come to terms with that. I feel like I need to tell this to my wife now, but I also feel like I should talk to my OW first. I don't know any reason why I should talk to my OW first, but maybe just because I want to share all my important decisions and my feelings with her. Maybe I shouldn't share that story at all with her. What do you guys think?
wakeupdead wakeupdead
31-35, M
4 Responses Aug 31, 2014

Would the ow be the only reason you would leave your wife or would you want to do so regardless? You really need to ponder over this one my friend.

I have the back and forth thing with my H as well. I think it's very common.

I don't think it is a back and forth thing with me. It was just a moment of weakness on my part. I know I am better off without my wife. I know I'm always going to pissed off at my wife for decisions she think are absolutely correct and she has no choice in. It's probably better for me to leave sooner than later.

Your wife should be the first to know of your intentions. If you are ready to divorce, there is much to discuss with your wife. There is much to think about. How will this affect your child? Are you prepared to pay child support and possibly spousal support? Are you prepared to see your child only 50% of the time or possibly only every other weekend? Are you ready to divorce even if you don't end up being with your ow? How long have you known your ow? What are her faults that will be difficult to live with for you? Does she even want children around? Have you examined where you failed in your marriage before getting into another relationship? Is the timing of this divorce to make a gesture to the ow to prove your love? Are you ready to live alone if you find yourself without either woman in your life? Lots to consider.....

I don't want to live alone but I'm not scared of any of the other issues. I think I will still see my daughter because I have the means, I have supportive parents, my daughter always wants her daddy, and if need be I have evidence to back up why she should be with me. Also, I almost left my wife before and even though she loves my daughter dearly she was willing to let me leave with my daughter. My OW loves my daughter and at least has never mentioned being afraid of having her around.

Thanks to other OWs here that have already brought it up I believe I know where I went wrong in my marriage. One thing is I married her to help her out which is a poor decision to begin with. 2nd was really unavoidable because I didn't fully understand her relationships with her family and her thought process in those regards. Also, it is very rare that she will be completely honest with me about that because she knows that I think its stupid but she doesn't believe she has a choice. have already brought that up to my OW and my OW has already made changes to ensure I don't feel that same way about her.

Just remember that it is not a slam dunk that you will get primary custody of your daughter. You need to be prepared for that in case it doesn't go as you are currently envisioning.
When speaking of the affects a divorce will have on your daughter, it sounds like you have thought about the financial aspects and have your bases covered. I hope you have given thought to her emotional aspects as well.
Its good that you see that you didn't give enough time before marrying to understand her relationship with her family. Does that mean that you will be taking future relationships slower, get a clearer picture of the differences you two have before making commitments?
Its good you see how your viewing her feelings as "stupid" has caused her to not be completely honest with you in those areas. Two people are always going to have areas of disagreement. As long as the issues are handled with respect then each will feel comfortable being able to open up. As soon as there is disrespect, such as insulting the other person's views or feelings, then it will lead to that person shutting down in that area.
Sounds like you have done some soul searching. Wishing you success in improving in these areas.

I know its not a slam dunk to get my daughter but if my wife puts my daughter first then she will let me have her. She was going to let me just take her before when I almost left. As long as the divorce is amicable like I'm hoping I don't think she'll really notice the change much because of how young she is.

I'm not sure I'll take future relationships slower, but I will have more of the tough conversations. I think I've already had more of the tough conversations with my OW than I had with my wife.

To be fair I never told my wife her feelings were stupid. I said her actions didn't make sense and she was working herself to death and making herself miserable so other people could just leech off her and party all the time. She has told me she is ashamed of what she is doing that's why she hides it and lies about it. Doesn't sound like she feels like she is doing the right thing to me. She also says she feels like she doesn't have a choice.

Then I think wakeupdead is in for a wake up call.

Haha.... ok. Please elaborate.

Probably a waste of keystrokes, but lets give this a whirl starting with your daughter. Think of the longing you have for the other hurts, right? Well, your daughter is going to feel that on a regular basis for years to come. When with you...missing her mom...when with mom....missing you. The back and forth between homes is hard. Different rules at different homes is hard. Just because mom and dad find a new love and remarry doesn't mean that the child will also love their new stepparent, which is why there is so much information documenting the difficulties of blended families. Divorce is a huge, life altering event in a child's life. Many carry trust, abandonment and relationship issues into their adult life. Now I am not saying your daughter can't adjust, but to say that your daughter will barely notice the change is not realistic.
Plus, divorce, custody and a get and wife remain live happily ever after with ow. It is good to be optimistic, but not so optimistic that you aren't aware of the pitfalls.

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Yes, you should talk to your wife and THEN your other woman. So she doesn't feel responsible for it at all. I think anyway.. And she won't be disappointed if you tell her you are going to do it and then back out ... Just my opinion.

Ok this makes sense to me. If I tell my wife first then she is at least not feeling like I made the decision directly because of her. There will probably still be some guilty feelings but nothing major like be the direct cause.

If she is already feeling guilty about hurting her fiancée, I wouldn't talk to her about this. This is your marriage not hers. Don't give her anything else to be guilty about.
Love having a man view here. Thank you

Thank you. I know she already feels guilty about it. She wonders if she is what is causing the problem between myself and my wife. I was thinking telling her this (maybe in a condensed version) would remove that guilt because she sees it is really my decision and its not her creating the problem.

I know I would still feel like it was my fault you are doing that. Baby steps. Don't give her more reason to run.

What if I had the talk with my wife first and then talked to my OW about it? Or should I just leave it alone with my OW for now?

For sure wife first. She deserves that respect. See what her reaction is then talk to OW

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