It's been a while since I posted. Just needed to vent a bit tonight. But before I do let me do a little catch up on all that's been going on with me and my "ex" mm.

Since he pushed me away I swore I'd let it be. Let him work on his and his fianc├ęs issues. And wouldn't push anything having to do with us. He basically called it quits and I let him know that meant no more texting for hours, no more emotional relationship. If I couldn't have the physical anymore I needed to get rid of all of him. But he is my boss. We made it through many days of work fairly well. All professional. And no after work text sessions.

The day I was to start a week long vacation I ended up in the hospital 2hours from my home. Was at my lake house, and my back died on me. (MRI showed two bulging discs and I had severe back spasms) of course my ex mm was notified by me as he IS my boss after all. And he was super worried. Texted me quite a bit over my whole 3 night hospital stay.

We then were texting daily yet again and when I finally made it back to work I was in no shape to be anywhere but hiding in our office doing as little as possible just to make it til tomorrow which is my specialist appointment.

Ever since I got back to work everything was so much like it had been since before the engagement decision. The things he would say to me are not things a boss says to just his associate. They aren't things a guy just says to his female friend. They are things you say to someone you have feelings for. We still weren't being physical but the emotional things were coming back. The sexual talking, the constant flirting. It was all there again.

Well knowing that I'm basically going to be told that I can not work once I see the specialist today was my last day at work for who knows how long.

Well, after today, I feel horrible and so good all at the same time. I was relentless with him today. I did anything and everything I could to make him break. And he did. Nothing but a little second base. BUT he is the one who broke. He literally grabbed my hand and put it where I wanted it to be and where I knew he wanted it to be. And I wanted more. So much more. But so many things were running through my head. I almost cried because of all the emotion built up in me ( thanks to my PMS for making it all even worse) but HE did it. HE wanted it. HE showed me that he can't be immune to me. He is as addicted as I am. And at the exact moment it was happening, as little as it was, I wanted to yell at him. Tell him he can't possibly marry his gf when we clearly still have so much between us. I wanted to kiss him and slap him all at the same time.

Now I'm worried he's gonna pull away again though. Like he will feel guilty. So I won't be at work for weeks and now I'll lose my daily texting that I've gotten used to again :/

I'm so confused because I WANTED that physical connection, however little, because I'm addicted to him. Yet I'm worried he will almost be mad at me for letting him give in. He hasn't said anything negative about it to me and hasn't given me any reason to feel like he's feeling bad or anything, but maybe it's me who's actually feeling guilty for letting him cave?! I'm just confused. And I don't know why.

These relationships just can't ever be easy. So frustrating. But I still wouldn't change it for anything.
Livesforme Livesforme
31-35, F
1 Response Sep 2, 2014

I can relate so much to this! Don't beat your self up, you are human. I wish I could read minds sometimes because I ask my self a million questions about what he's thinking too.