Time to Move On?

I'm the other woman.  There.  I said it.  And it sucks.  I'm also married, for 20+ years, with 2 teens, and am in the process of getting a divorce.  I was divorcing before encountering the new guy, and he is not the reason for the divorce.  But of course my BF is NOT following through with his divorce, however he'd love to keep seeing me on the side. 

We were dear friends in high school.  By pure chance we came across each other a couple of months ago and all the old feelings came rushing back.  As much as we'd like to be together, he can't leave his wife and child.  Her health is extremely poor, she can't support herself, and she's the mother of his child.  He agonizes over the predicament we are all in, but his choice to stay and raise his family is probably the right one for him.  His marriage isn't bad like mine is -- his is passionless, lacking affection, desire, and caring, but stable.  Mine was over long ago.

So my dilemma is whether to cut all ties or continue being the other woman for a while longer.  He's a wonderful distraction while I'm going through this divorce, so on one hand I'd like to keep seeing him for a while.  But I know in the end I'll be heartbroken and alone, and he will still have her.  My head says cut my losses now, but my heart says grab on to some stolen moments and prepare for the day I will have to tell him goodbye so I can move on.  I just don't know how to say goodbye yet.  We talk and text all day, and see each other every chance we get.  I'll miss him terribly.  What to do?

Deb1234567 Deb1234567
10 Responses Mar 18, 2009

Your story is almost the same as my own, except for the sick wife, my BF has a healthy wife and 3 children, I have an 18 year old.<br />
I am divorcing my husband regardless.<br />
I am in love with BF, and hope we can have a life together at some point, however I am not going to completely emotionally invest in BF until he is free to be with me, until then, I am going to build my new life, enjoy what company I can get from him, along with the emotional support which has become vital to me. If it ends with BF, yes I"ll be sad, but I will have the wonderful loving memories of this time we have.

All I can say is, we think we can manage our emotions and just "enjoy the ride", but it's never that easy. Coming out of a divorce, if you could hold off on him and work on yourself and what your really want in the next relationship, I think you'd find something better on the other side.

I've been the wife in your situation. Even if my health was truly bad. I can't imagine the hurt there would be. <br />
Your last days on earth and your husband isn't faithful. <br />
I think you should leave the love relationship / be a friend if necessary but to both. He needs to concentrate on his family. If your relationship is meant to be it is only a matter of time. If he doesn't come back it wasn't meant to be. There will be hurt but in this case easier for you to deal with than to add to someone who is extremely ill or dying. I would want the hurt much more than the guilt the rest of my life

I say see him until your divorce is final. Then you will truly be free to find someone else to share the rest of your life with. <br />
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This way you have a deadline that BOTH of you can plan for. Think of it as the date you'll be moving to another country. You can part friends without the bitterness of recriminations and he can turn on the afterburners to make sure that your last few weeks/months together are special and extra romantic. <br />
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BTW, once the divorce is final, NO MORE TEXTING either! You have to be open to find new love.

I say make the most of it! <br />
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If you can live with how good it makes you feel and can deal with the duplicity of it - good for you! <br />
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Who is anyone here to judge you? And I mean that in the most sincere way.<br />
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If you are struggling with the fact that he is going home to her, then this may not be what you need whilst you are finalising your divorce. <br />
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Good luck x

Wouldn't that be nice to have your cake and eat it too. But your main concern at the moment should be your two kids. How could you have extra time for someone else when there almost out of the house. Look at it from there point of view, if they realize that there time with you is cut off because you were on a date. Wait for another man when your divorce is cleared up. And he maybe playing you for a fool. What would it be like if you were the wife who was sick and your hubby was going around town with an old flame?

what are the pros and cons. are you willing to be the other woman for the rest of your life. (the mattress at a motel?) are you sure when his wife passes that you are going to be his new number one. <br />
I think if all was fine in your relationships with your partner that your feelings for your friend would have never surfaced. <br />
there is one thing you should contemplate, is this all worth it. if you are young then you have time to play then eventually fall for someone else when the relationship with your friend doesnt work out. but if you are old then dam find someone else. your too old to play the other woman game. I dont mean to sound so harsh Im a saggittarius what do you expect. and no I am not the other woman or the wife. Im just me (not a whoar either get that out of your mind)<br />
Good Luck love

Why settle for less than what you want? After all isnt that what brought you to your divorce or him to his passionless marriage? You seem like a very smart woman, and it seems you already know what will be coming next so the best thing you can do for YOU, is prepare for it. Make your next move your best move, and remember the life we are living right now in the presence is all that we have the past is gone and the future is just a gamble. ( meaning its not promised ) <br />
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Whatever you choose I wish you the best.

I was seeing a guy who use to tell me, "if my wife wasn't so sick with her bad heart and legs, I would leave her for you, but I just can't do it, even though we don't spend much time together so on, so on, so on...." I never believed him any ways, but when I needed a good laugh I would ask him would he leave his wife for me? Now, I don't see him anymore like that, we are friends, he probably has a girlfriend now...better her than me! Be careful!!

I know how you feel and you are not alone , i however wasent married , but i'vew been stuck in a predicament very similer, no one can tell you what to do because every situation is different , i have told myself plenty of times to cut the ties but everytime i start to he does something so wonderful that i can't bare the thought !<br />
However sometimes i do feel the stab of loneliness when im at home al alone and i know he is in her arms , but thats the price i pay !