3yrs8months Being the Other Woman

I saw him for the first time one morning on the train to work. I sat across from him and our eyes met. It was immediate attraction. For days we played the game of looks and smiles. It so happened that we took the same train in the afternoon as well and one day he approached me and introduced himself.  We sat together and the connection was instant. He told me he was going to the Jersey shore for two weeks and he spoke of a son. He does not wear a wedding band and I assumed he was divorced.   Three weeks later we met for lunch and on an e-mail he told me he was married with four children. I don’t know why but I just did not care. I wanted to be with him. He was handsome, funny, nicely built and the chemistry between us could not be denied. He came over to my place one night and we made love for the first time. He told me he was not happy in his sexless marriage. She was bi-polar, a *****, did not care about him, screaming and yelling all the time. He cared and loved his children so much he was not afraid of the sacrifice for now but that one day there would be a divorce. To give him credit, he did not promise when and encouraged me to date other men which I did for a bit but could not deal with having two lives.  We had great moments, in and out the bedroom. Sex was unreal, uninhibited, passionate, sweet, raw, and tender, intoxicating.   We also had great conversations about anything under the sun. We exchange thoughts about politics and religion, shared views on current events during lunch every day of the week. We had great summers of love and passion, laughter, plays, concerts in the park, the beach. Every year for Christmas we met for a day in my place to celebrate the holiday, make love by the fireplace and exchange gifts naked being romantic and silly, sitting on the floor. We always celebrated birthdays and holidays a couple of days before in my place.  First year we had sex three/four times a week. Then less because of work schedules but we always made it a point to get together for intimacy at least once a week. We had lots of arguments about his marriage and how I needed more. I broke it off many times but I could not stay away and always went back.  I have a child and left an unhappy marriage partly because I did not want my child to live a lie about his parents. I never allowed my child to see us together in a romantic way – they knew each other but it was always clear that he was a friend and nothing else. I could not understand why he wouldn’t end such a horrible marriage but I accepted it and came to terms with it.   After all, he said one day there would be a divorce and we could then be together.

  He could get away twice a year to go to conventions and I went with him. We went to Utah, Michigan, Canada, and other cities.  We had so much fun, sleeping together, going to dinner, drinks, dancing and just so much freedom.  We also experimented with going to swingers clubs and had a great time being so free and open about our love and sexual attraction. Every day he told me he loved me. I made dreams come true, I was special, beautiful, and funny. He had never met anyone like me.  On my birthdays he could thank me for being born. He thank me for having him in my life for being his friend. I loved him so much.  I loved to buy him gifts -- lots of gifts. For parties at his home for graduations and holidays I would get him a nice dessert or a bottle of wine, or beer, etc. he did the same for my family get together.    We went to a convention two weeks ago – I  stayed for the weekend, he returned home the following Wednesday. We talked on the phone several times that day and everything was fine. We laughed and shared how much fun we had had. He called that night around 7:30pm and sounded terrible so I asked if everything was ok. He said his wife had hired a private investigator to follow him to the convention and knows that he was there with someone. He told her we had been friends for a long time and it had turned sexual. She asked him to leave the house and told him she has pictures of us and would show them to the children unless he told them what he had done.   He is now living with his parents, the children have been told and he has told me he can’t have a relationship with me anymore.    I spoke with him a couple of times and he sounds so angry. He told me he needed time to sort things out. His children are devastated; three of them have told him they hate him. The oldest has told him he needs help. The wife is devastated – 25 years of marriage was it all a lie. His parents and siblings are mad.  He went to see a therapist and his priest. I know that it is over between us and it hurts so much. I feel anxious, pain, uncertainty, guilt and anger. Anger because to everyone in his family that now knows about me, I was just a one night stand and not someone he has been with for over three and a half years. Someone he told he loved and with whom he as quite a history with. I so much want to tell my side of the story, I want validation, I was part of his life for years and I want the truth to be known but I don’t want his kids to suffer any more. His wife has not contacted me and my life is peaceful compared to what they are going thru. My child has no idea mommy was involved with a married man and his life has not been disturbed in any way…….what do I do?????
charitin charitin
7 Responses Mar 21, 2009

Seems ironic: Now that his wife knows, he's out of the home/marriage and this is when he chooses to stop seeing you / he breaks off his tremendous "love" from you? Seems to me this was the perfect opportunity to finally be with you...<br />
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Do you have any confirmation of all this stuff that supposedly took place two weeks ago? Or is this all just based on what he has told you?<br />
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Lastly, don't kid yourself that your child does not "know" or has not been affected by your actions. He/she has and he/she should be the only thing you are thinking about right now; not validation -- of what? How easily this man can be done with you after years of taking your time from you and from your child and all for nothing? What is there to validate? There was no validity to what the two of you did to begin with, sadly enough, nor is there any validity to what he has since told you. "Best" case scenario for your book: He lied to his wife of 25 years, ruined his relationship with his own children and he can be trusted?<br />
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He needs more than a priest, although, I totally doubt his entire story.<br />
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You on the other hand need to be smart and be done with this user and never look back.

bloody clingy manipulating wives..............she is a controling ******** .....move on sweety cause if you dont you are going to end up with nothing but a bad case of medling wife syndrom.<br />

Go to Amazon and look up some good books for Other Women after the affair ends. Start the search with "Will he really leave her for me?" (in your case NO). From there it will bring up other books clearly on point for you.<br />
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As for validation? You made someone happy for 3 years 8 months. He made you happy for the same amount of time. If you believed him and all his fantasy lies, you can be excused because it was your first affair. Honey, you can tell when 99% of cheaters are lying, because they are TALKING!<br />
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Good luck!

This man looks like he got what he deserves. <br />
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I have been in your shoes, in a similar way, but for about a year, not 3yrs 8 months. <br />
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I know now that as soon as a man tells you he is married, don't take things any further. You will only get hurt.

Let him take care of his lies. He lied to you about his relationship with his wife, just as he is lying to them about you. <br />
I am in a sexual relationship with a MM, but it's just sex. We do not lie to each other, although he certainly lies to his wife and family. I do not share this relationship with my family or friends. This is the 1st time I've admitted it to anyone. We talk daily, have sex 3-4 times each week, but have no expectations. When it's over, it's over. I do worry that he'll screw up and someone else will be hurt, but I'm not his 1st and not likely to be the last.

ur story brought tears to my eyes.<br />
im so sorry. <br />
there r hardly even words. <br />
i agree with what is said in the first comment.<br />
u can move on from this. its going to be so rough. but u have really inspired me to get out now before it gets worse. <br />
i hope n pray u find happiness, sorry i can't say or do more.

Wow. I can't imagine your pain. You must be strong for your own child. Let him and his wife worry about their life.<br />
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I know it is easier said than done, but you must accept that there is no validation, there is only being strong for the future. Sounds like its horrible for all parties involved. Forgive yourself, forgive him.