Only For Him

This is so not me.  I'm sure many of you here feel the same way.  The truth is if this was any other man on the planet I wouldn't even entertain the idea.  I know the kind of tragic turmoil infidelity can cause first hand.  Our story is a little different, but not unique as I am sure there are others whose stories are similar.  This man was not my first boyfriend, but he was my first boy... friend.  Over the years of getting to know each other we formed a bond that was more intimate than any we shared with our various romantic interests.  We were there for each other thru it all, we grew to know each other inside out.  At some point he realized how in love with me he was and he fought to have me.  I was in a relationship at the time, but once he realized how deep his feelings were he refused to give up until we had our chance together.  It was amazing and beautiful and profound and to be perfectly honest totally overwhelming to someone like me.  You see I have deeply rooted issues with commitment, at the time I could not grasp the concept that love could ever work long term.  We were in a relationship for almost 2 years and when he started talking about marriage and houses and having a family I was just starting college.  I freaked and ended it without thinking or perhaps as a result of overthinking everything that could go wrong.  Anyway I regretted it the moment I did it, but he was soooo hurt he wouldn't talk to me for 2 months.  We eventually fell into our old pattern of deep friendship.  I would go to him for advice, he would show up on my doorstep at 2 am just if he needed me.  We have always been that for each other.  The one that the other can always go to no matter what, we always come back to each other.  But after I ended things the timing never really worked out quite right for us to rekindle our love.  When he told me he was getting married several years ago it was a total shock to me.  I can remember the feeling vividly.  Just a few months earlier he had come to my house to ask me if he should stay with her or leave her.  He had only been with her a few months.  The breath literally left my body.  I felt like I died.  I babbled like an idiot, congratulated him, got off of the phone, and collapsed into a heep of tears.  I wanted to scream "don't marry her, marry me, I LOVE YOU."  But I didn't, instead I decided that I would never be able to handle that and if she was what made him happy I would just cut off ties and let them live happily ever after.  After all I had been in long term relationship of my own.  That was the end of our contact until about a year ago.  I found out that he married her because he got her pregnant and he was doing "the right thing."  I finally left the man that I was with when he married her and I couldn't help but wonder, now that I was free, how he had been doing all these years.  I never stopped thinking of him.  I never stopped dreaming of him.  I never stopped being in love with him.  And from the occasional conversations I would have with his family members when I would run into them, he still had affection for me.  I apprehensively picked up the phone and called him, his wife answered.  She was very inquisitive, but nice and said she would tell him that I called.  When the phone rang and I heard his voice on the other end I had to remind myself to inhale and say something.  I was ecstatic.  I can't describe the rush of emotion.  We spent the entire next day together catching up.  Since then we have been on a roller coaster of sorts.  He started calling my house so often that every 3rd call on my caller ID was from him and I get about 50 calls a day.  Then he realized how deep he was getting and he had a minor emotional breakdown in which he proclaimed "I'm sorry, I can't do this, I just can't do this, It's not your fault, but I'm getting into a position where I might not be able to let you go."  And I was again a heeping pile of breathless tears.  He is the only one who has ever made me feel that way.  The funny thing is we have never had sex, never once in all of our years of love and friendship.  We have kissed and made out back when he was actully mine, but back then I was a goody two shoes, saving myself.  He was melting down like that because he was falling back in love with me and he knows that he is not going to leave his wife.  He's never played that game with me.  He does care for her.  He appreciates all that she does for him.  At the same time he says "she's the lucky one," but he hasn't rendered an explanation for that comment.  He says he took vows and he is fulfilling his obligations to his family, plus he has worked very hard for everything that he has and he would lose it all if he left her including the respect of his parents.  I can understand that.  I have even done my part to let him go, but something keeps bringing him back and I will not PUSH him away because I can't, I beleive we were meant to be.  Which is probably the same reason that I have never truly given up on him.  But every now and then he pulls away to avoid getting in any deeper.  So right now I guess you could call it an emotional affair.  But it is an affair of sorts none the less.  His wife has demanded that he stop talking to me.  And he has tried to appease her, but like I said, he can't stay away for long.  He always finds a way to reach out to me and at this point he has flat out told her that he is still talking to me and he has no intentions of stopping because we are such good friends.  But he is kidding no one.  We are in fact very close friends, but there is a much stronger connection between us that is obvious to everyone around us when we are together.  There is a strong sexual tension that has not been fulfilled, but keeps us just on the edge and if anything falters that will be it, we will never be able to keep out hands off of each other.  There are so many things that I could list as evidence that this is real, but that list will do me no good.  I am willing to do this just so that I will never have to be without him again and experience that terrible feeling.  I will except our relationship for what it is and even though I will not stay single waiting for him, If the opportunity ever presents itself for he and I have a second chance at this once in a lifetime love, I will not squander it.  I will not wait for "one day"  when the timing is better.  I will hold on tight and never let go when that day comes, and I know that even if we are old and withered that day will come.  Even if it is in another lifetime that day will come.  I beleive that with all of my heart and anyone who can tell me otherwise has clearly not fealt a love like mine and his.

hoplesslyhis hoplesslyhis
26-30
9 Responses Mar 24, 2009

I can totally relate to your situation. My situation is very similar. He was my boy friend for 3 years. But the love that we share is indescribable. Yes, he is a married man. Yes, he has kids. He doesn't want to hurt them, but he also doesn't want to hurt me. I want us to have our chance together, but I don't want him to hurt his family either. Its like being between a rock and a hard place, so to speak. We have been seeing each other for 2 years now. I don't know where our relationship will end up--only time will tell.<br />
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I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in your situation. I too do not want to give up the greatest, one-in-a-lifetime love that I have found in my MM. I believe in that old saying that life is short, and you should live it to its fullest!! Follow your heart, hopelesslyhis!!

I don't believe that anyone is in the place to tell you that your love is wrong, or selfish, or not reciprocated. Just because many affairs don't work out, and probably haven't worked out for some of the women on this site - does not mean they are all lacking a solid foundation. <br />
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Love comes in all different shapes, sizes, and hits us all at different times and points in our lives. Some loves last a lifetime, and some loves start instantaneously. Every man will always have that girl that got away, or that pulls on his heartstrings. Twenty years down the road he'll probably still reminise about times they shared and wondered where that special lady ended up. Some of us are lucky enough never to lose that connection or to slip out of eachother's lives for too long. If you are lucky enough to believe deep down in your heart that this man has that love for you, then your soul can be at peace. Just because a man is married does not mean he is in love, or that he loves the woman that he is married to. He may love her for what she once was, or because they have been together for so long, love her out of comfort, and love her as the blessing that gave him children. <br />
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Lots of affairs aren't founded on love, but it'd be unfair for us here to degrade your relationship. His wife may be getting hurt, but if she had the chance to love deeply, love uncontrolably, and feel that fire deep within her, do you think she'd walk away from it?

I'm sorry, honey. <br />
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As TinkerDill said, he does not love you enough.<br />
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Your decision to continue on, is just that, your decision. <br />
If you do continue with the affair, don't be selfish and consider marrying. Because if you do marry, you could very well find yourself on this site counseling your own husband!

I can understand an emotional affair, I have had one of them. But don't be anyone's fool by a longshot. If you are going to be this man's friend, be his friend only. Remove yourself if you feel that you can't handle things if they get much hotter. Don't put yourself in any more situations that is going to hurt you. Save yourself!!

Somehow, no matter how much they love their mistresses (sexual or emotional affair) it's never *quite* enough to give up their lives.<br />
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His wife = more important than you<br />
His kid = more important than you<br />
His job = more important than you<br />
His bank account = more important than you<br />
His parent's respect = more important than you<br />
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Not admonishing. Just black and white truth so you can see your affair for what it is. Convenient for him (you fill a small gap in his life - the 'love' and affection he (poor lamb) doesn't get at home.) and life destroying for you. <br />
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ie You say you will date and perhaps even marry another man, all the while still loving this man. Oh how honest is that? So your new relationship is going to be based on a lie. What about the poor guy you marry who LOVES YOU? <br />
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You say wife has told you she doesn't "love him" Excuse me, but when did SHE owe you the truth of her feelings, and how/why do you expect her to 'love' him when she knows you take up a large part of his heart?<br />
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Sister, I've stood in your shoes, that's why I'm here. I'm standing in a slightly different pair right now (see "I'm Still the Lover of a Man in a Sexless Marriage") and so my list in the 1st paragraph isn't the same as yours. But I can tell you with all certainty. <br />
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IF HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU ENOUGH TO LEAVE HIS WIFE, HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU ENOUGH. So pull up your big girl panties, and let him go. Find a man for whom you are everything and then BE everything for that man.<br />
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If you believe in reincarnation, then trust you and your friend will find each other when your souls are older and wiser. But this is the life you have now, and either you waste it pining for what you can't have, or you make the most of what you've been given.

parts of this i could've written myself. the emotional affair, with the old boy...friend. he stays mainly for the kid and the vows, not the love really. the connection/chemistry that can't possibly be explained, but known to others who have felt it before as well. yeah...i definitely get it. It's not a great position to be in, yet one very hard to get out of...especially when you're so emotionally invested in the other person. Timing....sucks.<br />
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with mine...after ten years we eventually gave in to the sexual aspect of it...and it can't be described in words. like yours, he's never promised to leave his wife, or that we'll ever be together. but...i know if the opportunity came along...we'd give it a chance. we've never dated or had a relationship, just been good friends with an undeniable chemistry between us. yes, we had kissed before...and that first time our lips touched....was amazing...was definitely weak in the knees!<br />
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but yeah...we can't be together. we both know, and somewhat accept it i guess. i date other guys and it's hard sometimes....i always want to compare them to him lol he has a hard time letting me go as well....like you said, he can't stay away for long and we always come back to each other. have tried to end what we have a few times (both he and i for different reasons)....but....we keep coming back.

I understand what you're dealing with, and my feedback is this. Let him sort out what's right for him and his marriage, and you sort out what your needs are. The way it sounds like it's going you may end up in a sexual affair and then all those reasons he can't leave will start to sound like excuses after months of hearing them, and feeling alone and starting to resent him and her. Read some of the OW stories, they're more painful then just longing for you old love. You're playing with fire. <br />
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I do say this with compassion and experience. Good luck sweetie!

No he's not 12, this is his entire life he would be giving up. I think that a lot of people facing that under any circumstances would have some soul searching to do. And we are not sneaking, his wife knows he talks to me. I have talked to her. Like I said, their relationship is strange. She does not want to let go of the marriage for her own reasons, but she admitted to me that she's not "in love" with him. But he is her husband and so she expects him to be faithful. I do not blame her. In a way the emotional connection we have is a worse betrayal then just having sex with someone else. And it is not one sided. He is there for me when I need him just as readily as I am there for him. And yes I freely admit that a peice of my heart will always be his and has been for many years. Unfortunately there is nothing I can do about that, I cannot just stop caring I've tried. Obviously you have not been where I am or felt what I've felt. I can appreciate and acknowlegde some of what you're saying, but I feel the need to point out that this is "the other women SUPPORT" group, I do not need admonishing. I know that it is not right to be so close with another woman's husband, but I came here to connect with other people who do understand what I'm dealing with.

This seems like a relationship designed only to serve him and not you. He won't leave his wife because of HIS child, HIS parents anger (what is he, 12?), HIS hard work, etc. You don't demand or expect anything better than just being there when he wants you. So he doesn't feel compelled to change anything. Why should he? You're okay with it all and he gets a wife, family, and someone on the side to feed his ego. He gets it all.<br />
Where does what is best for you fit into this picture? You say you won't put all your eggs in one basket where he's concerned. Okay. But there will be some eggs if not all in there and that leaves less room in the basket for you to find an available man! :-)<br />
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Let's pretend those reasons he gives for not leaving are true, which they sound like excuses. Then isn't he a little spineless for not following his heart and leaving his wife and child for you when you are his true love? <br />
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And doesn't his wife deserve someone who will love her all her life and not sneak around on her? Doesn't everyone deserve that, no matter what you think of her? Would YOU want to be with a man that has another woman he is in love with? If you're both okay with deceiving his wife, then what kind of person does that make him? Or you?<br />
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It's not like he's been married a lifetime. It's only two years he's been married, right? I could see if his child were older and used to having daddy around 24/7 but his child is only 2. The child will adjust just fine. They are adaptable at that age. He should make his move before the baby gets older. Before his leaving could cause some real permanent lifelong hurt and damage to that child.