So this post is for all you dam haters of us "OW" or "OM" you continue to bash us for straying...not being faithful...try to communicate more with spouse...there is no reason to cheat....blah blah tell me this....

I have been a dam good wife to my H for 21 years...put my dreams on hold so I can make his come true and support him...supported and loved him dearly without a doubt and this is what I get in return.... patience for me....treats me like a dog....treats my family like they are outcasts....talks down to me and belittle me...yells at me if I make the smallest mistake....and that was just yesterday...all that in one day...imagen being treated like that feel so low and garbage about yourself that you can't even hear the song "TRY" by Callie Caloui on the radio cuz my heart is so battered and can't stop crying everytime I hear it because I don't like what I see in the mirror bcuz of H...all bcuz of H...

So you haters can all go to hell and never ever will make me feel like garbage to be the other least when I am making love to mm he respects me and share his dreams of one day making me his feel wanted and the most wonderful feeling in the world and you haters will never take that from me....

awww....I feel better now...can you tell I was having a bad day...xoxo
excessbaggage excessbaggage
41-45, F
42 Responses Nov 6, 2014

You tell it like it is excessbaggage. I had a casual lover recently who wept after we made love. At the time I didn't demand an explanation. But in retrospect I think she was so hungry for some loving attention that she could simply not hide the pain of being trapped in a neglectful and abusive marriage. Cheating is not to be encouraged but isn't it disloyal for a husband to mistreat and belittle a loyal and faithful wife? It is not called adultery but IT IS CHEATING isn't it?

Hi again excessbaggage. Someone who was stronger, wiser and more loving than I am once said "let he among you who is without sin cast the first stone" to a group of men who wanted to stone a woman caught in the act of adultery. After hearing his answer the men turned and walked away, THE OLDEST ONES FIRST!

Enjoy what you can and disregard the naysayers. Most of them are jealous anyway. Have fun, but choose wisely.

Good for you :)

lol mmmmmmmmmm did you like being a cheater? lol Sounds hot!


If he's already married and he's cheating with you...then who's to say that if he does marry you(which is most likely something he doesn't truly mean) that he won't step out on you?

I'm not saying what he does to you is nothing. It burns me up that someone can do this to someone they waited for at the alter. Someone who exchanged vows with another. I hate it the most.

If your marriage is broken, leave. Don't dirty yourself because of what someone is doing to you. You're better than that.

I support you for being the other women. It takes a lot of courage to do that. I also like to think that people are just animals, we have needs and urges. If those needs are not met, well we have to get our fix somehow right? Communication can only get you so far, sure your partner can listen, but that doesn't mean he will change anything.
Plus, if you think back to medieval times there was infidelity up the ying yang back then. It's just society has made "cheating" taboo.
As long as you're happy. You need to live life for you, and no one else. So what if people get hurt along the way, **** happens. :)

I don't say so what about other people getting hurt, but getting hurt is a part of the human experience. **** does happen.

Actually back in medieval times cheaters were beheaded.

And flaying....aka skinning.

Hello hadyourchance. That's right cheaters were beheaded IN THE DARK AGES! They're still beheaded today in some countries like Afghanistan and Syria which have not changed all that much since about 3rd century BC. In our brave new world they're just taken to court, publicly disgraced, ******** of their worldly possessions, their livelihood, their kids, their good name, and possibly even their sanity if they're too slow to accept that perfect happiness is a myth or belief that is not often realised in marriage. All this, not for what they actually did wrong, (who among us can say honestly they have NEVER done it or even considered doing it). The punishment is for being silly enough to GET CAUGHT! That sure sounds like progress doesn't it? I think that it only encourages dumb recidivist cheaters to learn smarter ways of doing what most other people do anyway, but without LETTING THE CAT OUT OF THE BAG (or getting court) and without infuriating a self righteous spouse! No offence intended hadyourchance. The truth is that jealousy and insecurity can produce murderous hatred in many people, even insanity in some, especially those who are smugly sanctimonious and proud of their long suffering years of loyalty and endless self sacrifice for the sake of their marriage and near useless spouse. Depending on your belief system it may or may not be deemed immoral but it is definitely preferable to deny the truth of it at all costs unless you have more than one head. Actually I once had a GF who did. I know because she offered to give it to me. Of course I refused! That's the last thing I need rolling around in the back of my car, right?

if we are just animals and have needs and urges that we must get fulfilled by any means necessary does that make child rapists not guilty of any moral wrong? What about murderers who have an urge to kill? Is that not morally wrong either? You sound very narcissistic by saying it doesn't matter if your actions hurt others and only think about yourself. I hope you dont have children. What a mess they would turn out to be.

2 More Responses

Find a person who's divorced....there is more freedom

Have you tried standing up to him, would he hit you if you did that.
If not stand up to him tell him straight it is not on because if you take it will not be just your husband who will treat you like this it will be most people because can get away with it.

Some men are just like you describe they do not know how to talk normally.

I am not making excuses for him. If he is hitting you get out never ever let him do that

Better still take out a restriction order against him.

The guy your with is he married ?
can he take of you and provide for you? if not then your jumping from the frying pan into the fire he is not yelling at you or treating you like crap because he knows he will not get sex anymore
A lover does not do that they only turn like that when become a husband

We are trying to help you that is all but first you have to help yourself and what people are telling you is an affair is not the best way to make a new start


I get it he treats you like sh!t, but then why do you tolerate it?!?!
Instead of "cheating" why don't you up and leave. It's not cool at all. Your just lowering your standards by staying with the dirtbag. Then again, I don't know your situation and if you have kids with him and what not. But if I were you, I'd peace out of that toxic relationship.

OW are cool. But putting your whole life into it seems kind of stupid. It costs a lot of money to get divorced, that is why it is worth it. But, most will avoid it just because of that reason.

They say marry in haste repent in leisure lol yes does cost money but can always separate do not need to divorce to live apart.

If house in both names and there are children and she takes out an eviction order every chance the court will let her stay because of the kids.
He will be made to pay child support to the children. Or her new boyfriend can take over the finances.

Lol a lot of OW (no offense ) would get a shock if put that on their lovers.

So lot of ways this can be done without living off the bread winner and having an affair as well.


good do not get out stand on your own feet and then look around when men get you like that they think that you cannot do without them once they think like that they will treat you like crap yes women do it too.

Do not ever let another person think you cannot get on without them very bad move


keep it then and kick him out get a good alsation dog for protection and company an empty house far accedes a horror house.


I'm sorry that you have a bad marriage. Have you tried talking to him? It's possible that he isn't aware and fell into a routine of treating you like crap. If he keeps acting like a jerk then see a pastor or something. They will talk to you for free and lovingly (if they aren't loving then find another).
I'd like to challenge you with this: if you truly believe that your actions are not wrong, then why are you posting them here to try and find support? And why are you upset with people who don't agree with you?
No matter how badly he treats you, please don't cheat on him anymore. The choice is yours to be the better person.

The choice is also HIS to not be so rude, abusive and offensive...

Yes, it is. But he has already made the chose to do these things. Being honorable doesn't change because someone treats you badly. I am sorry you're in this situation. Please talk to him.

I beg to differ. By your logic, sleeping with someone else is the worst thing you can do to your partner. So never mind that the dude ABUSES her, never mind that he neglects all of her needs, disrespects the people most important to her...god forbid she seek love, attention and affection elsewhere. Not all problems can be solved with a chat and a pastor. That's pretty simplistic thinking.

When you promise to love, honor, and respect your spouse for the rest of your life, it is unconditional. Through sickness and health through good and bad. Them treating you like crap doesn't make it ok for you to do something wrong.

Maybe not all problems can be solved, but how do you know which CAN be solved by talking it out unless you try.

Abusers have rendered the marriage contract null and void. All bets are off.

So ok fine but do not use his money to continue your lifestyle and let me tell you something a women is a truly abused situation is too scared to step out the door she would be terrified to have an affair. her husband is horrible abusive nasty but she is not scared to have an affair makes one think ? I mean could not say my husband is a pretty decent guy I am just a **** could one ?

Talking will not help she has cheated end of story but does not sound like the boyfriend is jumping up and down to take her in so obvious out of the frying pan into the fire. Affairs my friend are not a mistake they are deliberate.

No stalked two wrongs do not make a right she has the choice of cutting strings walking away and standing on her own two feet instead of taking the food and roof over her head from one while sleeping with another.
That is being a traitor and very dishonest the person has two choices put up or shut up three actually or walk away

thanks babes...this really warmed my heart...xoxo

It is unfortunate but sometimes people do not even realize they are yelling they think being normal. She could try taking a tape recording of himself shouting and play it back to him and also keep it for a future court hearing because still comes under mental abuse.

But she has also put herself in the wrong because he will claim it was the affair that made him like that because if court case he will know about it and use it against her.


No it is the choice of the person on the receiving end. A person can only do to you what you allow them to. end of story

And judging by your user name I am sure you would be right their urging an affair but then just my opinion

Yes I do agree with this two wrongs do not make a right.
Nobody is perfect everyone of us has habits the other possible cannot stand lol.
But if beating her etc the police will take action and get him out.
Or she can take kids leave claim child support
Or (tongue in cheek) get the lover to look after them. after all getting desert may as well put in for the dinner too


How on earth can someone fall into the routine of treating someone like crap ?
A person knows if being unreasonable or out right nasty. It is not the same as just ignoring someone or bad communication etc.

I do agree adultery is not an option for either party. And yes the choice is hers she does not have to go to that level herself. I do not think the poster wishes to do anything but just enjoy the affair.

10 More Responses

Then divorce or leave that muthafucka

I can tell! 😊

Make your exit plan girl - then when you're ready tell him to shove his f***ing attitude up his a** and walk off head held high.

And in the meantime go get whatever happiness you can...

I understand that several man are cruel and selfish beings, but I hope you know that all men aren’t like your H. I hope one day that you will find the one man that will share your dreams with you, never give up :)

Sounds painful ):

Then why don't you divorce him...

its to logical not isnt it

I have not been in that position before, obviously, however my head works entirely on logic, and I simply cannot see the logic in this. Here are the two most common situations I have heard from O.W. A- Their husbands were scoudrels and abused them mentally, in which case you should leave them. B- "I love them both", in which you should do what's best for them, which is what you do when you love somebody. So either leave one for the other, or leave them both. Don't abuse them by doing something like that. Not if you have any genuine concern for their well being at all...

I know I probably just got myself blocked for sharing an opposing opinion, but **** it. It's just illogical.

i agree with you. if your unhappy just leave no need to ruin someone else life along with your own

1 More Response

@kitty1958 Lol just so you know, blocking doesn't make you the bigger person, you're just intolerant to someone saying you're wrong which you know it to be true. Snooping around? Wait, do you actually realize this is a public post on a public website? And building myself? I have not dropped my whole life to come and argue with you, don't give yourself that much credit, i am a medical student. Funny, bc you told me not judge but here you are judging me saying i am not doing st to build myself. Oh tearing people down? LOL THAT's a good one, how about the wife of the person who's using you purely for sex? Yeap, pretty much.

Thank you :) very annoying how people keep trying to make themselves the victims and not the abusers.

U are completely right this is a public website

And you think all of that gives you an excuse to cheat? I couldn't care less about your husband in this situation, but i care a lot more about the woman of the man you're cheating with if there's one. Imagine if she was the faithful one and she will break if she finds out. I just hope there's no woman on the other side.

shes trying to find justification in her choice to cheat


Keep in mind , the MM's wife if he is married , may be better off without him if he's willing to cheat .

Well, if you think that, then the author's husband should leave her too, since she was willing to cheat.

That's his choice . Does he know ?

You're a grown woman, you know right from wrong and you're just trying to find a hole in this argument. Please, and i'm sorry to say this, grow up.

What are you talking about ?

4 More Responses

i doubt youll be his wife they almost never pick the other women. your just the sloppy bootycall you should respect yourself more than that

wow pathetic

yeah pathetic

um no actually i dont but good try your basically just fishing for married men to ruin their relationships its so pathetic

im aslo not the one who sleeps with another womens man. ya i think i am better

lets see im faithful to my boyfriend. i dont sleep with other womens husbands. im not a sloppy second. yeah id say im much better than a 50 something year old women who doesnt have enough self esteem to find her own man

i wish i could heart this more

i agree

oh my stalker missreedy the bible freak yeah she is crazy and a bigot are you trying to bother me cause i dont care about immature women

Are you another one she hates lol welcome to the club. she has me on permanent block. getting quite a name for herself around here

She has a mouth like a cess pit for a Christian lady.


she also doesnt know me she a loser who coulnt handle the questions i sent her so she ran away like the bitchh she is

7 More Responses

It's not that I don't understand. Nobody wants to invest love and the best years of their life on someone who just wipes their @$$ with it. My question is does your MM have a spouse? If so, how does it justify what you're doing? I could understand going for a single guy, but why a married man? Was he in the same boat? Again, I ask out of curiosity, nothing more.

It is? I honestly had no idea

Then she isn't the OW , she is a MW .

But a man is an MM or the OM .

No , she is a MW if she is married. , like he is a MM if he is .

Main Man. In hindsight, I have no idea why...

Mere male lol


True the lover could be treating his wife exactly the same way if not worse your only seeing one side when you get him if you get him your going to get all sides.

Make good and sure you know what goes on behind closed doors could be a lot worse than your handling now.


Hi findmeholdmeloveme. There are too many unexplained abbreviations in the posts on EP as a whole and it can be annoying, so usually I assign a random meaning as quickly as possible until the weight of context forces me to rethink my interpretation of it. I took MM to be Mere Male. Mostly that fits doesn't it?

5 More Responses

I think u need to get away from that a**hole he's obv not gud 4 u

No one is in your shoes so they have no room to judge, but why don't you just leave him? It's not like these feelings of resentment happened today, they've been festering it appears. Good luck and hope everything works out!

damn haters dear

Just divorce him. Done.

that is to logical though they must take someone down with them in !!!! lol

Sometimes leaving an abusive situation is NOT as easy or as simple as people believe - Some people cannot support themselves; can't afford the legal costs; have no where to turn; are afraid to leave an abuser because they are unsure of what that person may do. We talk about advocacy for victim's of domestic violence, but as a society we offer very little support and even fewer resources.
I'm MY case I could leave my abusive husband - I have an education and some family support. I didn't leave however, for 20 years because I was afraid he would take my kids - and he would have - I left when my children were grown - and yes I FINALLY started an affair the last 2 years of the hell I was living in. And you know what? My ex has destroyed my name to "friends", certain "family" members, and most painfully my children. I didn't deserve ANYTHING I got from him - EVER. I was a good and faithful wife for 20 years - taking **** every single day.
Did I get into the "optimum" situation - NO - but when you have been abused for SO long - you don't really know deep in your core WHAT your worth is - sometimes it takes YEARS to get that back ........ Abusive people wear you down inside, and before you know it, you don't even know for sure if your are right or wrong - It's called CRAZY MAKING.
I block the ugly people - I figure they are in their own hell - this forum is for people that need to talk and understand and find a bit of comfort here and there. I am NOT here to snoop in others people's laundry - I have my own to wash.
Good luck to you Excess! XO

Are you saying she's staying bc of money? The way i see it, no matter how hard you have it there is no excuse for cheating.

You are a little Wee Snip - you have NO clue about all the things in life that may be ahead for you. Don't judge Snip, until you have walked a mile in someone's shoes. And if you understood what I was saying - Abuse is a COMPLICATED issue - give us all your worldly opinion in around 40 years.

Wow, so basic morals change by age? Lie and cheat will ok when you get older? Hurting people (her bf's wife if there's one) is okay if it means you're happy? I hope i never become like you people.

You will - you're well on the way snooping around in places you shouldn't be; passing judgement and NOT doing something to build YOURSELF up rather then tearing someone else down - YOU ARE EXACTLY like everyone else here! FULL OF FLAWS! When I was your age - I was TOO busy working on a Master's degree to be worrying about others people's business - and WOW - things happened! I am SO glad I won't be around when you're the age of myself and others here - LOL .... But my pity to you in your young life for the boredom and lack of personal direction that takes you here to snoop - and my compassion for you in your old age after you have crossed a few bridges in life and don't have all the answers anymore.
Use your time to learn something in life that will give YOU value - judging others isn't the road to that .... BUT - again - you'll find out ...... Hang on to your moral's - I think you're gonna need them .........

Oh educated elder that you are, I have but one question: you are aware of the many risks, but ignore them for the few "rewards". What are these "rewards"?

You know what - I'm really sorry - I forgot I was dealing with a Snip of a Child here .... I'm just blocking ..... My apologies to myself for this breech of intellect ......

Thx so much it is difficult but I am building courage to leave

4 More Responses

message me one wish and your city and i will give it my manifestation creative energy

How come he doesn't make you his wife then. Do you feel wanted and desired. when he is leaves to go back to his wife. Say he wants you and leaving his wife to marry you is to different things. There words with no action.

To be honest it's me. He wanted me to leave months ago I have been dragging my marriage. If it were up to him he would have married me months ago. His house is on sale and he's leaving not all men talk the talk. Some men and mine is one of them do fall in love with the ow. So there

So there what! He still married and so are you. Nothings changed, you and him are just using your partners and each other. You don't care what effect it has on your marriages you make excuses for your own selfishness.

Just because his house is up for sale doesn't mean you two will live happily ever after together. Nothing is certain but death and taxes.

Thx kokopuff. What a stupid ***. Some people just don't get it

1 More Response

You should just get a divorce instead of cheating

It sounds like it, and I believe you are right 100%. I'm with you

you are in charge of your own destiny. Hope you feel better :)

Might I just suggest that it sounds like he's not the one for you. Don't bother cheating, just move on.

Can you just walk away from your H and his nastiness? he sounds like NPD bully. Take care of yourself.

Why not leave him?

There are no saints in the room, only those with claims. Do what makes you stronger. Good luck

Sometimes just having a good rant makes your day better. Good luck, sweets! Xoxo

Do not take what the haters have to say to heart. I am in a similar boat and I feel your pain. PM me.

I have been much happier- even in years when I struggled emotionally, financially, personally- after I divorced my ex. He was emotionally abusive and it ended up becoming physical (once. That was the last night he stepped foot in my house.). I wish you years of happiness and being with someone who treats you with kindness and respect. I loved my ex VERY much but I didn't deserve what he did to me.

You need to do what make you happy in the long run....that to me is courageous

Being loved, wanted and desired is a basic human need. You shouldn't have to explain that need.

I am sorry your husband [is] not worth it but I don't see it as a reason to be an OW. I am not against you but as i understood being an OW is a woman choice of their own. I hope you are not taking revenge of your husband in this way, that will only hurt you and I wouldn't like that for anyone.

Excess .. do you still live with your husband ?! May I ask why do you!? I mean I read stories of OW who left their husband and still remain as OW .. and because I can see your husband is not a charmer nor doing you good, did you think of divorcing him? May be that will give you a better life?

Strong: thanks for your input and not bashing me....I am still with H and I always thought and hoped that he would change but over the years I feel it has gotten worse...I just turned a blind eye....cried in silence and accepted it...I loved my H and loved him dearly...I would have given my life for him at one point but he has really become sooo cold and ignorant over the past 3-4 years.....

I am involved with an MM not to revenge my H...if you knew my situation....there are easier ways to revenge my H and when I do have the courage to leave he will someday understand and realize how good he had it....a wife that walks on water to please him...takes care of him hand and foot...for the love of God...I even pour his orange juice for him so he can drink it....I would give up my happiness forever just so he could be happy for a day....but it doesn't matter he is the way he is and he will understand one day what he did and what he lost....

My mm wanted me to leave H months ago and start a life with me...matter of fact my affair is not being the female is reluctant and dragging on the marriage not my mm...if it was up to mm we would have been living together months

I will always love my H bcuz I am that kind of person but to feel the emptiness that I feel all the time is not good or healthy...I do think about leaving and starting a new life...I do believe I can be much happier with someone else....I really and truly do...xoxo

I am very sorry to hear that. It hurt me to hear this but truly, I wonder a lot how can a husband be so ignorant to a wife he loves and care for?! Did you tried it with him? I am sure you did and he must ignored you :( .. Stupid reaction!

He sure will know your worth the moment you leave him. I think you were too kind and sweet to him .. Some men are like that, once they get it, their egos will grow and they will just be full of themselves. It is very hard to love someone, find them treating you badly, find excuses for them and they continue that path! Lots of women sadly have the same story as yours.

Oh dear.. it is not bad to say you love him! I know how you feel but I am not sure you will stay loving him even after you leave. My xfiance was very bad and though I didn't have a years of connection, i still care for him and I understand he was very bad for me .. I stayed long with him trying to save things for us, going in psychiatric clinics .. hiding things from my family, dealing with his suicidal side and seizures .. being in it, I was blind to all that and was all hopeful, doing my best, caring for him and feeling I must be there by his side, I felt that I am the responsible part in the relationship and though I didn't have to stay, I could leave, I couldn't! I knew he need me and I wanted to help him but that is not a reason to stay in a relationship .. it is not healthy for you and it was very difficult to leave but once I did, I knew it was right and I never looked back.

I hope things will be better in your life. And I am glad you could find your happiness with someone else. I though hope you won't get to be around anyone that cause you harm or bring a lot of sadness in to your life. Trust me in this, may be I am much younger but that husband doesn't even deserve another day with you.

Strong...thx a million...doesn't matter what age you are everyone feels the same...pain...hurt...tears but just for different situations....I have tried talking to my H about feeling terrible....his reaction "you do things too" God here is your wife telling you that she wants you to help her....keep her in love with you cuz she is falling out of love with you...try and help the marriage but it falls on deaf ears.....the part of him needing me is an understatement....I get him dressed in the mornings and pick out his how pathetic is that....he will realize that I was his everything one day and when he sees me with someone else he has no one to blame but his rude, ignorant ways he did to me for 21 years.....thanks for listening...xoxo

Gosh ... can you please update me when you leave and slam the door in his face !? PLEASE !? I am going to be happy for you and would be curious to know if he will get it. You know some of those men are so blind that he will be sure you will come back or you are wrong! :/

wow..I'm glad I don't date men

I will keep you posted....I will PM you....I am at my witts end right now and jus this morning after a hard day yesterday...which would take so long to explain...I just broke down and cried for 1 hour with my MM....My eyes are still swollen and my H doesn't eve notice...what an *******....just keeps pounding me down....can you friggin believe that he would yell and scream at me in front of my parents are even scared of his nasty one is perfect but my parents try to really make him happy...from buying him things to doing what they can to help doesn't matter he talks down to them and treats them badly...its been like that for years...but I loved him to much to notice..I just thought it was normal and accepted it....once I leave I will not come back...I will make sure I don't give my mm will not let me...he loves me too much...xoxo

oh gosh Excess .. he is making me angry! He is so full of himself and ignorant and I hope he disappear from your life "now" .

Well in our culture .. we have a silly quote and I will try to say it in English which might even make it silly: [the cat worship the one who kills it] .. !
It basically says that sometimes .. we get trapped in situations were we go back to those people who treat us the worst though we know that !

I don't think you love him anymore because you are crying and hurt by him .. you loved him sure and you miss his old self and it is hard for you to accept it but I don't think you will love him more at all. I am sure the days you will spend away from him after you leave, will show you that you suffered a lot with him around you and you are actually happier with out him and because of that, you can't love him if you are happier to leave him.

4 More Responses

Hope today is a good day for you. Enjoy the feeling of being loved and being alive!