Society calls us cheaters and home wreckers and a few other not so nice names, but we are mothers, daughters, sisters and grandmothers like everyone else. The only difference is that we have a relationship outside of our marriage that helps us feel whole.

I don't see myself as being any different from other women except that I seek true happiness and am not willing to settle for just being ok. My H is a good provider, a good dad and overall a good husband. But he's not perfect and neither am I.

What my marriage lacks I have been able to find with another man who fills the voids that I have in my marriage. I have come to the conclusion that it's society that says we have to be monogamous but in my case I need and want more. I have no guilt or shame in the fact that I'm having an affair.

My relationship with my MM could end at any time and although I do not want that, it's the risk I take in wanting to be with him and with him wanting to be with me.

So if you want to criticize those of us who have relationships outside of our marriages then go ahead. But it's the path we have chosen and personally I don't believe in society's puritanical myths of one man and one woman forever.
KathyJ304 KathyJ304
26-30, F
36 Responses Jan 10, 2015

Polygamy ruled the earth for many millions of years before mankind became "civliized" and migrated to the one man one woman theory...you are not accountable or answerable to anyone, Kathy,

If your lying to your husband then yes your a cheater. Does your husband get to cheat to

is you marriage open and husband is in the know?

I am glad you shared. I will have to say I agree. Would love to chat sometime. I have some stories to share also. We could trade;)

Somehow I think it has very little to do with societal standards.

I have a few questions

1. Why did you marry and succumb to the very societal standards you hate?

2. Did you decide you didn't want to be monogamous before or after your marriage started going downhill?

3. Does your husband know? It's not the fact that you do not believe in being monogamous but that you promised another human being to be loyal, faithful, loving only to him. I think it is the act of betraying someone's trust that's deemed unacceptable by society.

4.. Is your husband verbally/physically abusing you? If he is, please run as fast as you can and seek shelter in the warmth of the people you trust.

Does your husband know and is he aware?

If he doesn't know then why?

Would it hurt him?

If you love him why would you do something that you know would hurt him? You said he's a good man and a good provider. Doesn't he deserve more? Doesn't he deserve to be happy?

Why is your happiness more important than your husbands?

To me your just being selfish, you are putting your happiness ahead of someone you claim you love, not only that your happiness is at the expense of someone you love.

Why can't you work together so you are both happy. Why spend time running behind his back and trying to find happiness somewhere else? Why not use that energy and try and find ways you can be happy with your husband.

Not judging, just a question. What you lack in your relationship, couldn't you just try and get it back with your husband? Again I'm not trying to judge, nor have I been in a marriage so I'm just curious.

It's a painful life and if I could have avoided it I would have, but we deserve to be loved and wanted just as much as anyone else.

Is it my fault my husband doesn't care about me and thanks to life I'm trapped here. Do you think I'm happy knowing I had to go somewhere to just get sex or even a hug?

Real marriage is based on two things. Love and commitment. Anybody who has been in a relationship longer than a few months finds out quickly that love waxes and wanes like the moon. Always there but sometimes full sometimes barely a sliver. However, that commitment should be constant because that's what you can rely on. The commitment gets you through the constant changing phases of a relationship.
I'm not judging you. I just want you to think about what kind of person "you" what to be in a relationship. Doesn't sound like you're too committed. Just high on love. Jumping from one romantic episode to the next sure sounds like fun. I just hope you've found ( and continue to find) a partner who feels the same.

Listen, I think people should do whatever makes them happy. Having that said, if your H is sleeping around too and that's okay between u2, is one thing, but what happens if your MM's wife loves him and believes in monogamy? Then, regardless of what society says about monogamy, there's a party that's being hurt and a family could implode because of your action. Maybe you are impervious when it comes to other people's suffering, but the fact is that you are a willing participant on their demise. And this is not me bashing u. I am just deconstructing what you posted.

I'm sorry. It sucks you have to go elsewhere to get satisfied. I can't/ shouldn't judge cuz I have never experienced that kind of missing/loss in a relationship. Best of luck to you and your happiness, maybe eventually you and your H can get on the same sexual page...? (Hopefully sooner than later!)

Everybody talks about being the other man or woman, or being cheated on. I'm the daughter of cheaters and I was aware both of them were cheating with a number of people and to add to this, one didn't love the other. It had catastrophic consequences on me.

Best thing to do is to divorce If you have children, and leave them out of this. If you think they don't know, you're wrong.

If it makes you happy, do it. I support you! What I do not support are liars and backstabbers, who are disrespectful to another person who believes and trusts you while you lie to them.

If you have no guilt or shame in what you are doing..why not tell your husband then?

That's ok. I've been the other man

I understand, but having been on the other side of this, I deserve the right to know what is going on. If my husband wants to step out with you.... fine, but I'm not going to be here when he gets back.

So, as one woman to another, please have the common courtesy to let the other woman in on this. If it is all out in the open, fine. There are websites for swingers. Find one or find a man who is in an open relationship. Also, tell your husband. He may be amenable to the situation.

Why do you think we all look elsewhere. We are tryin to get a need fulfilled. Some spouses won't some can't for various reasons. You are victim too.

Truly respect your opinion. But when you married, I'm assuming you made vows and promises to your husband, right? So you're being dishonest and I don't think he deserves that. If you want to keep doing what you're doing then maybe you should tell him? He at least deserves the truth!

Whenever people post things about cheating, I always hope that their spouse isn't a genuine and nice person. I hope they are a piece of crap who cheats on them too.I was married, but he constantly cheated on me and abused me mentally and physically. It took me three years before I decided I was done with it all and told my best guy friend how I feel about him. It involved a little bit of cheating but I was trying to figure out how to leave him at the same time. People who cheat on good people, say that they love them and plan to stay with them... That's what I don't understand.

In my opinion, cheating in general is not okay with me. But there are certain situations where you cheat because he or she is the worst person ever and you can't get away. I'm really sorry that he abused you, I hope you're better! And I don't understand that either. I find it to be rather sad.

That will be fun for you when your husband finds out. It's fun to destroy people and relationships for selfish reasons.

That view would be more understandable if your husband felt the same way.

Why don't you leave your husband and your mm leave his wife?

I once had an affair with a mm

It was short lived as he didn't leave his wife after he said he loved me.
If loved me he would have left her.
I knew I was better than just being the other woman I deserved more and wanted more for myself.

I realised it was all bollox and could get a single guy of my own.

I loved him but left him. I was very young.

You did the right thing! If you were not his only one, then he was not "the one". :)

Unbelievalbe..!

Well.....everyone's situation is unique to them. Can't judge you, don't know you.
Me, if I was cheating I would leave my gf. My ex wife had affairs behind my back, stayed cause I was a good dad to the kids, and good provider. But we divorced. I detest dishonesty and the worst is what she did to me. Used me as a dad to the kids and provider for her while screwing others.
So I struggle to understand this being ok for people, but who am I to judge you?

Get a proper life sweety, don't come bleeeeting here. No id never be soo rude to throw insults atya, but you know its wrong, don't go looking for someone to stroke your hair. Deceit and cheating isn't the way to go. Go find a happy man, ditch the crap.

Nobody has to read or comment on her post. She posted to a forum.

True. But because it's a forum, people do, can, and will post whenever they feel like and whatever they feel like saying.
That's the downside to posting your business on the internet.

I feel that hateful and cruel things are totally unnecessary. I see plenty of things on EP that I don't personally believe in but you'll never find me attacking people.

That's what a forum is though...

A place to attack, judge and call names? I don't think so.

Yup. Since you're a nice person, you don't attack others. But others who don't care will attack you.
It's not always fair, but it's just what happens sometimes. I've had to learn this.
If I don't want people to comment on something I write on the internet, I should be safe rather than sorry and not post it there.
Others will simply not behave just because they should be behaving.

I honestly don't care what any of these people have to say. It is a glimpse into human behavior that is a bit unsettling though. And it's not that I don't want people to comment, I welcome all opinions that are stated in a decent manner.

Welcome to the internet

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so sad.

Open marriages are fine. What's not fine is doing it behind your spouse's back.

The heart wants what the heart wants, all we can do is try to do is stay rational!

Justify it in whatever way allows you not to feel like the human trash you are.
The fact is you made a commitment and a promise and you broke it because your husband is not perfect.
You know it's wrong or else you wouldn't hide it from him. Or maybe you'd like to use the excuse that you don't want to hurt him.
Well you're hurting him now, he just isn't aware of it. You may care about him, but you care about yourself more.
That's really what it comes down to. It's all about you.
YOU have needs and You aren't satisfied and YOU think it's reasonable to look outside your marriage.
When it comes down to it you're just a selfish, unfaithful
wh­ore. No matter how else you try to justify it.

I knew the bashers would come out when I wrote this but until they have lived in our shoes they will never know what it's like.

I come to EP expecting to be bashed at this point. Notice that I barely post these days.

All I'm going to say, you're only lost :)

Absolutely. Its impossible to derive all of our emotional, intellectual, and physical pleasure from one person. We need more. After 22 years of monogamy, my husband and I are now openly seeking other respectful relationships to enhance our own. Exploration is helpful for marriage in my opinion.

That would be the perfect situation where you both agreed to an open marriage. Lucky you.

It took a long time. I was too scared to talk about it. But one day I just calmly mentioned it in bed and kept talking about it for a year. He finally realized that I would always love him. I was just wired to need more. I truly believe that some people are capable of loving more than one person at the same time. I am one of those people. I am not ashamed. Instead of hating my husband for having a lower libido than me, I love him even more for being loving enough to allow me freedom. This is mutual, but he has yet to explore. Someday he will, and I believe we will both benefit from the experience. Marriage is a partnership. Not an ownership. We put the needs of our family first always.

well a sin is a sin... me having my affair with a married man makes me know better than a murderer and no lower than someone who stole a piece of candy at age five. if you take a Christian stand point all of us humans are the same, just different sins.

I think there are various different levels of right and wrong.

not in the eyes of God (if you believe in him) no sin is greater then the other.

I believe that there are various degrees though. I know you're speaking from a religious stand point, but for an extreme example, how can a rapist be compared to a person who steals a pack of gum?

there both sins both against the 10 commandments. the only punishment would be hell for both... thank the lord for jesus christ. kind of like me saying i am having a 3 year affair with a MM with no end in sight but its okay because HE said he wasnt happy, yet hes still married with children and now i have his child born not only out of an affair but out of wed lock too. i am no better then a murder or a gum theif, i am stealing a husband.

Don't be so hard on yourself or your MM.

you cant say i only stole gum i didnt murder anyone or what not. they are both equally wrong for various reasons. world would be a better place when people own up to their **** instead of comparing and deciding ones better then the other.

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no criticism - you not only make yourself feel whole you do the same for the other person in the relationship. May your happiness in this relationship continue forever.

I totally agree with you. You only go through life one time and each of us deserve to find happiness. Drop the guilt, ignore the insults, focus on what makes you happy and content.

Best Wishes Wild D

Everyone deserves to be happy, you're right. But why, for some people, does it have to be at the expense of others?! Do the people left in the dark not deserve to be happy too?! I get why some people have affairs, and no one has the right to judge without knowing the facts. But if two people really want to be together, then be together, and let their other halves go and find someone to make them happy too!!
I think what gets to people is not always the affair itself, but the excuses that are made, and the disregard for the other people involved.

exactly and i am so tired of hearing the excuses... my all time favorite is when my MM says i have no answers. makes me want to inflict some kind of pain upon him lol.

i dont have guilt anymore it is what it is. im just putting it out there for people who like to rag on the OW cause im sure they have lied cheat and stole candy when they were little.

So what happens if your husband comes home.. Then says, "Good news? Bad news?"

Your gut says.. "Ummm.. Bad news?"

Let's say HE switches it around.. "Actually.. Let's go with the good news.. I have been sleeping with young girls everyday.. And it's made me feel complete. Thank you for allowing what we have now to sleep around. It's so nice."

You: "So what's the bad news?"

Him: "One of them is pregnant."

You: "...."

Him: "...."

You: "...."

Him: "...."

You: "Well.. I'm pregnant, too. And I need to let ______ (insert name) know."

You have a wild imagination. Some people are smart enough to use protection. And if not, I guess they'd deserve this situation.

Yeah. But protection doesn't protect your heart from breaking news such as this.

Sounds like you judge too quickly and jump to radical conclusions.

There are numerous conclusions in mind.. Good or bad. This was just one of the many.

I usually try to learn more about something before I open my mouth.

Same.

Not from what I see.

Sorry I couldn't help you see. Maybe someday.

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