The other woman isn't always a home-wrecker. Sometimes she's a home-mender.

I had been faithful to my dear husband for over 20 years. For many years I thought there was something wrong with me. Maybe I wasn't sexy. Why didn't he want me the way I wanted him?

I grew to understand that we just had very different desire levels. Instead of feeling hostile toward him for what he lacked, I decided to love him for all that he possessed.

And so in an effort to remain together, faithful, and true, we decided to open our marriage.

After some time, I decided to join "the married dating site" to see if anyone out there would want me.

Yes. I intentionally set out to date a married man. Not to destroy his marriage, but to help it.

I met a man who told me that his wife hadn't touched him in 6 months. Because she was tired of rejecting him all the time, she suggested that he find a lover, as long as it didn't affect the family.

I've read many stories here about the condition of many long-term marriages, so I was not surprised by his story.

It happens. More often than not, our desire levels and interests change over time. And what was once exciting, appears dull after a while.

We have since spent many days together. We are more than friends. We are confidantes. We help each other to see the viewpoint of the opposite gender.

For instance, he had a disagreement with his wife about a major appliance purchase. Since the only real difference was color, I suggested that he allow her to choose. He reluctantly took my advice. She was thrilled, which has helped him in other areas. I also suggest ways that he could make her more amorous with him. And now the dry spell at home is officially over.

He has given me several tips on becoming more helpful to my husband, too, which has helped my marriage.

We mesh well romantically in ways that our spouses don't. We both love verbal play. Our spouses avoid it at all costs. The other day, he just effortlessly told me that I had the body of a 20 year old. What? That was music to my ears!! Something I've been longing to hear forever. And his love letters are the best. It's the little things that change us inside and cause us to return to our families so pleasantly.

When we are home, we are calm as opposed to frustrated.

We are not kids. We both know our places. Our families will always come first. We will never abandon them or disrespect them. At any given moment, it could be the end for us.

That's okay. We can be happy about what we've gained from experience.

Two years ago, I was a hater. Now that I'm walking in her shoes, I understand the other woman a tiny bit more.

livingasme livingasme
51-55, F
13 Responses May 15, 2015

You have a very realistic approach to the situation. I once had a friend like you but her husband got jealous and she ended our relationship under stress. I miss her but I understand. Not sure of his issue. It seems some people feel that they should own their mates and the mate should accept whatever frustration comes with it.

Relationships are never easy. I am no longer with my lover, because our family lives got complicated. Some relationships aren't meant to last forever. That's ok. We brought good things to each other, and grew immensely. One thing is for sure. My husband and I are partners, not owners.

This is a most powerful story that I needed to read. I am her too. I know all you describe and share a very similar story. I knew I was not alone but hadn't found another woman who could speak what my heart and mind feel. I am in the process of opening my marriage to alternatives and I was pointed to read some of your posts. I'm so glad I did.

There is a huge difference between cheating , and having an open marriage. One is consensual, the other is deceptive. Huge difference. Just my opinion.

We talked openly about our needs prior to exploring our individual desires.

In many cases, people are unwilling to treat their spouses as partners. They view them as property. They withhold affection, yet expect their spouse to remain celibate as if they have ownership over another human being's body.

Many people explore without consent, because they find it impossible to communicate about their basic human needs.

I completely understand the dilemma.

Your experience is exactly what I have written about. Where each couple finds a compatible couple with the partner who needs more sex being paired with another couple's more sexual partner so that the desires can be met and satisfied. The result is needs met and the one not involved knowing exactly who is involved and what they are about, with permission of course for the lesser sexual ones to be involved too if they should choose, the tensions removed from the primary partners who are then freed to resume a carefree existence much like it was in the early years when the disparity in needs was not as pronounced as it does over time. And the family, especially children benefit from a quieter, happier household without disruption and two parents who behave as mature adults they can count on and grow with. And nobody but the married partners know anything about the arrangement so that discretion is maintained and no stigma is realized.
I am envious because I am in the stage before the marriage is opened with a wife who will not consider it for religious reasons. My children do not have a quite house and have mentioned now they are older they thought on more than one occasion that we were going to split up. It crushes me to know this is on their minds.

Thank you for this story. I love my wife but sexually we don't mesh. I have hopes that we can open our relationship but not sure it will ever happen.

I really enjoyed reading your story. The way both couples benefit from this arrangement is what many others can only dream about. I also appreciated your conclusion that there is more to being the OW than what is traditionally assigned.

What a special relationship. Your story is very moving and brings to mind those with whom I've shared tenderness.

Not what I expected when I started reading, but a very happy story indeed. I think this is a great example of what can happen when spouses can really have open discussions and work through issues like this. Unfortunately, too often that is not the case. You don't say who first suggested this approach, but too often one partner is afraid to ask or one is too stubborn to listen. How much is driven by society's "expectations" vs what people would really think if they had an open mind???
Happy things are working for you. Keep posting so others can have some faith...

Your story made my day. I wish I could have had consent, but I don't. But I'm really happy to hear how beautifully it's worked out for you. I hope that you have a long and happy life with the people you care about and who care for you .

Thank you for sharing.

So basically you ****** another bloke

Yes. We met on a married dating site. We both believe it is fine to explore new friendships even as married people. We live happily with our spouses and take care of our families.

But we chat often and rendezvous for exciting adventures that our spouses have no interest in.

Good for you
As long as your happy 😊

this is the only way its okay. OW'S TAKE NOTE. note the consent by all parties. ******* note it.

In a perfect world, we would all be married to the perfect mate.

But some members of this group have marriages where consent is not given, neither is affection, and divorce is not a viable option.

One must choose the lesser evil. Which one will it be? No affection, a discreet romance, or divorce?

The decision is never easy.

...and no 2 stories are the same. And nothing is black&white!

I have mixed feelings about your story. I'm happy that you too who are having an affair are able to comfort each other in many ways than sexual. If the other spouse finds out, I think of the PAIN one feels when they find out that they have been betrayed or cheated on.

That's why it's so important for spouses to agree on a solution to differing needs.

The partner who desires more connection conveys their need by flirting, kissing, playing, and eventually pleading.

The partner who desires less connection conveys their need by pushing or pulling away, and begging to be left alone.

If they can't effectively agree on a viable solution to their differing needs, then pain will be felt by both partners.

It's usually the one who secretly finds a love connection who is made to bear the onus, but the one who blatantly withholds intimacy is equally responsible for the pain.

I totally get: I'm a divorced woman. I just don't understand why is this so common in marriages. It seem to me like it is inevitable and will happen regardless.

Makes me wonder if I should even be thinking about getting together with someone else in the future...

For those of us who can only be with one person at a time and are not comfortable with affairs... The answer is divorce when the other spouse is not on board! To each their own and whatever works for you: it's your life, and I say that with love.
Have a fantastic weekend, dear!

Thanks. I think about that all the time. If my husband and I were to part ways, my heart would break.

And then it would mend, as all hearts eventually do.

I doubt I would want to get into a domestic situation with another man. It seems that lifestyle differences get in the way of romance.

Spending, shopping, chores, annoying habits.

But then again, there is a certain comfort to those aspects as well.

Wishing you all the best!!!