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I Knew Better

We met online. From the very beginning he was totally, brutally honest with me. I have had married men try to get with me before, but they were all liars who mostly had the same story. This one was different. I could feel his pain. I could hear the sadness in his voice. His story? He has been married 19 years. They never had children. He is a lonely work-a-holic. She sounds like a little rich *****. Pretty, petite, arm candy. From the very beginning there was very little intimacy. I have been told that before..... but I never believed that story... but somehow I believe HIM. He was from another state. He traveled to the city I lived in every other week. He was really just lonely... looking for someone to go out to dinner with, share a movie with, etc.... Of course, we flirted back and forth but he never pressured or even asked me for sex or anything. I avoided him for several weeks.... Then one night I let my guard down and we IM'd each other almost all night. We only got an hour or 2 of sleep that night. After that, we decided to meet for dinner. When I walked in and saw him I thought he would NEVER like me. He was so handsome, so perfect. I am so NOT perfect. After dinner and drinks he walked me to my car. as we stood beside the car I looked at him... He was so nervous. I could tell he had NEVER done this before. I reached over and patted his hand and he was shaking like a leaf. So I held his hand. After a minute or two he leaned over and gave me the sweetest, kiss I have ever received. I kissed him back. We stood by my car and passionately kissed for at least an hour..... I went home, floating on a cloud.

The next day he sent me an email, telling me about the horrible guilt he was feeling.... he said he never expected to feel as he felt about me. He said he felt as if I was a drug that he was already addicted to. He said he is "friends" with his wife. They get along ok. She goes her way, he goes his way. He goes to the Lake alone almost every weekend. She goes on vacations with her friends to Las Vegas, etc.... They never do anything together. But he said they don't fight. They live a pretty peaceful life, living separately yet staying together. He said the only thing that he had always missed was passion and the joy that intimacy brings. He feels I am the missing piece that makes his puzzle complete. But yet........ He is afraid to tie my life up with no promise that he and I will ever be together. He is not a selfish person. He talks to me about my need to continue in my search for a good man. But I don't WANT anyone else.

We continued to see each other. I'd stay with him in his motel when he was in town. We talked about how it wasn't supposed to be like this... We weren't supposed to be feeling the way we feel about each other. The last time we spent a few days together I told him I love him. Before we parted ways he looked me in the eye and whispered, "I love you too....." That really freaked him out, so for the next week or so he poured himself into his work. I am torn up inside because I love this man. He is a good man... and awesome person.....

Please don't judge too harshly....... I am not a bad person..... Maybe I should have never met him for dinner.... but now it's too late. I love him and don't think I could ever bare the thought of losing him.... So I will continue to share as much of himself as he is able to share with me. Even if I do move on and start seriously dating another man... I will continue to give my married man my true heart and soul........... for I do believe I have found my soulmate. Just at the wrong time.... Isn't that Ironic.... as the song says.....

 

ILuvHim ILuvHim 41-45, F 14 Responses Oct 19, 2007

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Hi
I have read your post carefully. I am not here to judge your integrity or lack of it.

What worries me is you say your hurting and will always love this person as long as you live.

But then you go on to state your more than happy to find another person and even marry them.

But will still love this other man for ever.

Which means to say your willing to inflict the hurt and pain on an innocent person who may be fool enough to fall for you.

Trust you and have children with you.

So the pain your feeling could not be that bad if you feel it is ok to inflict the same pain on another.

You do not seem to realise this man who you were with loves his wife loves the comfort of his home.
And to be honest is not altogether unhappy with the lifestyle he is living.

All that what was missing was the sex or so he says have you ever thought their marriage may be an open one ?

They say the proof of the pudding is in the eating he has proved he prefers his wife.

But please do not hurt another if this is how you feel stay single your not emotionally or mentally at the place to take on a true warm loving committed relationship

Bio

My situation started the same way. Drinks and conversations. Poetry and music. Then slowly, each embrace was longer. Then a kiss...then we ended up in a motel. One year later, I'm in love with a serial cheater who commits to long relationships, without marriage. Then cheats to get out of it. He has no children with the woman he is cheating on with me with but they have been together or engaged for 10 years. Not sure who's the bigger fool. She or me. I'm madly in love, he says so is he. His girl has discovered us twice. He still sees me regardless of how many times she catches us. I realize, I'm the only one who will be able to end this as we are both addicted to this relationship we have. No judgements girl. Only empathy. I know exactly what you are going through.

Good luck.

Take your time. What is the statistic? 95% of all relationships don't last? The problem will work its own self out. ;) Hugs to you.

Well, the lack of control over your emotions or your physical being suggests gross immaturity in my opinion. Sorry, I only speak from integrity, of which you seem to have none.

I don't think this woman sounds stupid. She's probably having an affair herself, or many. But honestly, I think that more people have affairs than we know. If you think your husband/wife is not cheating on you, you should probably think again. But, don't go searching for the truth if you really don't want to know, because the truth could hurt. lol<br />
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But I wouldn't wait on this guy, no matter how much you think you love him. He probably will never leave his wife and if you found him, you could find someone just as good, if not, better. Trust me, there have been plenty of times I thought I found my soul mate. There's one out there for you. Go find him!

Dear Snowbunny, thank you very much for your email. I haven't been on here in a while... I guess because I just haven't wanted to talk about anything or to be honest... I haven't even wanted to hear any opinions on my situation... but I do feel stronger now.<br />
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Me and my married man are over. He wasn't a jerk about it.... He was just a man who was being totally torn apart by the guilt he was feeling. He said it was killing him and he just couldn't continue to live 2 lives.... One life loving me and caring for me.... The other life hiding his cell phone at night, looking over his shoulder, afraid his "other" life would fall apart at any time.... <br />
I know most of you think he is just a terrible person who wanted his cake and to eat it too.... But he really is just a good man who is very lonely and made the wrong decision to try to appease his loneliness by seeing another woman who could fulfill the need he had in him in his heart and yes... physically also... that she couldn't or wouldn't fulfill. <br />
You are right, Bella... He did choose their shared history and friendship over me. I can't really blame him for that. After all... He told me many times that they were friends and he "likes" her....but that he had fallen in love with me and that I was like a drug he was addicted to and couldn't stop doing after the first time we ever kissed. The only way to "stop the addiction" was to walk away and quit... cold turkey..... <br />
I showed him care, affection, and I was totally attracted to him. He said our hours of kissing made him feel like he was in high school again... the excitement and rush of it all... <br />
But you know what? I can see and understand that in the end... He had only known me for a few months. He had no idea whether he could trust me or what would happen between us down the road..... So there again you're right.... He chose the stability she provides in his life over the carefree affection he and I shared. <br />
I still love him. I will always love him.... But I had to abide by his wishes and let him go..... I had no right to him and I have no anger towards him. <br />
I only wish him well..... And I miss him and think about him every day. At least I will always have my memories of what we shared. No one can ever take that from me..... Thank you for listening........

I love this and wish you the very best.

I am so glad that you have found a place to share what's going on without feeling judged, and staying anonymous! (I love EP!) I wanted to share something that I learned from being in a slightly similar situation...<br />
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You know that feeling you get when you're with him? That everything feels so right, so perfect? That is not true peace or contentment, necessarily. It is more likely the chemicals and hormones in your body that are producing that euphoria. Try to not use your emotions to make decisions or justifications. In love and relationships, our body's hormones and chemicals can mimic the real thing. <br />
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The whole "forbidden" aspect also adds to the hormonal cocktail. If the two of you lived together for 20 years, had kids in the next room for 18 of those years, shared a bathroom for 20 years...etc. You would not have that "everything is perfect" feeling everytime you were together. Then it becomes about commitment and a deeper, friendship love. At that point, you accept the sacrifice of the "rush of new love and hormones" for the deeper, fulfilling love of friendship and a shared life. <br />
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I am afraid that he is not making that transition in his marriage, and is using you to get his hormonal rushes, and her to get his comfort and stability. Perhaps he loves you more and would be with you if she left, but right now he'd rather have their shared history, life and friendship than yours. <br />
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Please don't settle for less than his whole heart. And please don't make him violate his vows anymore than his trysts already have. If he chooses to leave her, let him do it because he'd rather be alone than with his wife. A man who would leave one woman for another, could easily leave that one for another. I know it's trite...but vows and commitment should mean something to a good person, no matter how miserable he is. If he's miserable enough to violate his vows, he needs to choose his commitment to his wife, or his freedom, not both. <br />
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Please don't let him have both by sacrificing your right to have anything to call your own.

Thank you for sharing

thank you very much for your comments.... And yes, I suppose he did like her for the "arm candy" affect, 19 years ago when they were very young... Now I think it's more (or just as much) related to financial status.... <br />
But don't worry... I am listening and hearing.... It's just hard because he's the first man I have allowed to get this close to me in a very long time. Stupid on my part? Yeah, maybe so.... But when we're together it just feels so right....... I guess I let those stupid feelings cloud my judgement and now....... well..... I just let him get to me..... maybe I am the stupid girl.

You\'re not a stupid girl and you shouldn\'t say things like that. You just fell in love with the wrong person that\'s all.

No you are not a bad person ..you are only human. Circumstances and timing arent always the best in situations like these but I really do understand what you are feeling. It's not an easy road to travel but we are all here to help in your journey. Email me anytime if you ever need to chat.

His wife does sound stupid.

Wow.... Thank you, Kyra... I mean... I have felt the same... but then I'd tell myself I was just trying to excuse him. (and myself) <br />
But after the first time we were "together"... when he flew back home she picked him up from the airport. He said he was feeling so bad and guilty that he tried to greet her with a kiss... because he felt so guilty that he had so enjoyed our HOURS of kissing.... She turned her head... So he said, "What? No welcome home kiss or anything??" So she kissed him - on the cheek - and said "Come on... we need to hurry...." I really do feel bad for him because he has truly been neglected.... That doesn't excuse our cheating......... but it does give a good reason why he loves being with me.... Because I enjoy him also.... and he is an awesome kisser!! I have never been with a man I desired more than he..... His wife is missing out on a little piece of Heaven......... stupid girl.........

No judgement....<br />
<br />
I was in your shoes once and I do understand what your feeling. Email me anytime you need to talk.