Searching For Logic....

Up until 10 months ago I would have also told anyone that I really never did this “head over heels” kind of thing for someone!

Don't get me wrong I care for people – I care a lot and of course some I even love - but I can honestly say that I don't recall having ever been “in love” and whatever else fuzzy feeling come with it. I was OK with that, because in my eyes you can't long for something if you don't know what it is like!  I kept my relationships with men at an arms length, I wouldn't allow them to get too close - I figured is best to protect myself, because if I don't who will!!!

Now I am sitting here trying to figure out what the hell happened?! My world as I knew it came tumbling down all around me and I found myself on top of this big pile of “nothing” and to be honest it sure is lonely up here ….

It is unfortunate that we (TOW) can't really share these things with anyone – unless of course you like to be judged and or persecuted … in that case go ahead … share away!  As for myself I stopped sharing some time ago, I just got tired of defending my feelings and why I did what I did!

Like I said before this all started 10 months ago, that's when I met “my Prince charming ” but wait - he is not mine, he belongs to someone else!

Despite of all my wisdom – knowing that I “shouldn't have"knowing that it is not right – I still aloud it to happen!  Perhaps because it was suppose to be just some “fling -thing”, nothing serious. But before I knew it I found myself "literally" handing him my heart on a silver platter.  “I aloud him in -” I even shared my little secrets with him, which I have always kept hidden and had never shared with anyone. But with him everything was so easy – he understood me and I understood him. He never made me feel bad when I shared my thoughts and feelings and I like to think that it was the same for him – No, I know for a fact that it was both ways.

But today I can say by having casted all my wisdom in the wind … or by allowing him to take my heart … for that I paid a pretty big price!

Because the heart – well the heart is broken – and I don't think it can be fixed!

For weeks now have I've been trying to find some logical reasons as to why I am in so much agony, this is completely consuming me - day & night!

I recognize and admit that I will never be able to turn back.  It will be here with me forever. Perhaps there will be times when I can tuck it away, ignore it or at least try to....but it will always be here - feelings are feelings – no matter what.

These feelings may be right or may be wrong, especially in someone else's eyes - but it is what it is and we feel what we feel - because we are all entitled to them!

Now I do know one thing for sure - I am a highly sensitive woman.  I feel everything intensely - happiness, sadness, pain. I never feel anything half way.  When I'm happy, I'm happy. When I'm not, I'm not!   Fortunately I am usually quite positive and happy.....

However when I am sad or unhappy, you can see it in my face … and trust me when I say that I will wear it but I don't wear it very well.

I admit that this sensitive side of me can cloud my vision or maybe it was the trust that I had in him that clouded my vision – or a little bit of both. Either way being with him, well it was a very nice place to be in – so nice that you couldnt help but wanting it more an more I gave him my trust and he was the first one ever that was able to get to my carefully hidden “submissive” side and only some people will understand and know that this is a pretty big deal.

But thinking back I can say that I was happy about being able to put all cards on the table - it just felt good when it happened . Almost like settling into a warm comfortable bed. Like taking a nice deep breath.

As usual nothing is all pink and puffy clouds, because the problem with putting all the cards on the table – well it makes you feel as though you are at his complete mercy – because you had given those so carefully hidden cards to him .... because you trusted him. But trusting simply will make one very very vulnerable.

Being vulnerable is not a good thing, especially when he suddenly decides to no longer care for what was handed to him on that silver platter – when he decides to no longer protect the special place that he took you to!

That day - when I realized that he was so torn over how all those things had effected us and that he had no choice but to decide... that day I found myself wishing that I could learn to be more "emotionally leveled", but I am what I am and I don't think I can change this part about me.

There is no reason to think that I am unstable in some form or fashion, but like I stated I am highly sensitive. It's easy to make me cry, especially if you're someone I really care about. But I usually make sure that I won't cry in front of them - I am one that suffers in silence, alone… most likely no one will ever know how much pain I am in, unless I choose to share it – which doesn't happen often.  On the other hand, I am also one of those silly people who cry at commercials or at movies, even at funeral processions for people I do not even know. I just am able to feel more then others. In other words I am extremely intuitive, always have been.

I feel people - I feel what they feel.

I know it sounds very silly to most, but to me it is very real. Feeling what others feel can be a good thing, but sometimes it's a bad thing especially when I feel someone is unhappy – perhaps unhappy with me - particularly when it is someone significant in my life - I will carry their unhappiness in my heart and that is definitely not a good thing, regardless of the validity of their anger or unhappiness.

I also know that I need a lot of input especially from the ones I am very close to and it will drive me insane when someone chooses silence over communicating with me. In my eyes imposing silence on me is a very cruel punishment.

All this sensitivity and intuition of mine can be very cruel all by itself, but silence is one of the worst things - I literally feel it and I so very much hate it. It means that there is something unresolved, and I so despise unresolved things in my life

Right now this “Prince” of mine choose to be silent. He is dealing with whatever it is that he has to deal with... I guess we all know what that is!

“He'll be back” he said but I am not so sure about that.

Maybe he will – maybe he wont, right now he is so consumed with his other life - I highly doubt that he is actually aware of what I feel.

Perhaps I could just be honest with myself – especially since the distance between us has become undeniable … but yet here I am still wondering how much longer will I search for that logical reason that causes this never ending pain …

Perhaps this strange love I have for him simply has no logic what so ever!