I figured I'd hop on for one last post today...

A couple of weeks ago, the long lost love of my life contacted me out of the blue. He was my college sweetheart, and while I haven't really been believing in the idea of a 'soul mate' lately, I think he was about as close as it gets. He just 'got me' right from the start, and that's no small feat as I've been told I'm a rather complicated girl. We never fought, always trusted each other (even in situations that could be trying), always supported each other and were genuinely best friends. But as the story of young love goes, we broke, but remained close friends until a couple of years ago.

Not long after that friendship diminished, I met ex-mm. Our relationship was the opposite of my relationship with the ex-boyfriend in every imaginable way. We drove each other crazy, there was constant doubt and insecurity and unpredictability. But it was also what lured me in...the mystery. Anything could happen before the day's end -- we could've had sex on the hood of his patrol car or stayed up talking about our feelings over the phone until sunrise or met for dinner and wound up in some heated argument (that inevitably leads to making up later). Or maybe he wouldn't even call...for weeks. I never knew. He was an adventure.

I wouldn't take it back. Ex-mm tested (and still tests) my limits every day. He made me feel feelings I didn't know I could even feel. He caused me to re-think what I know about myself, others and the world as a whole. I have always played it safe in life, and he challenged that. I surprised myself and learned that sometimes I like to live dangerously. I learned quite a bit about myself, actually.

Plus, I got to know him. That's the real icing on the cake here. Because even though we aren't living out a HEA together, we were (and perhaps still are a little?) crazy about each other. We couldn't stay away. We were drawn to each other like magnets, and though I wouldn't ever wish an unfaithful spouse on anyone and I'm still wrestling with those demons, I have to admit I am still -- despite all that -- so glad that we allowed ourselves to act on what we were feeling. It was incredible. It was like unleashing a lifetime of bottled up passion, and for the rest of my life, I won't have to wonder 'what if we had...'

But it was painful so much of the time, and it made me miss really belonging to someone and someone really belonging to me. He and I never got to belong to each other in that way, though sometimes we fell into this alternate reality where for a moment, we did. But one of the many things I learned through this experience is that I am still a traditionalist. I still need Saturday brunches and double dates and pizza and Netflix and Christmas with our families. I need to be able to do life -- ALL OF IT -- with someone.

So when ex-boyfriend contacted me, having no idea what I've been going through the last couple of years, my instinct was to tell him he doesn't even know me anymore. But then I thought, maybe that's a good thing. Because maybe I just needed to be reminded of who I am myself. To be swept away again like I was with ex-mm, but in the opposite direction, back to real life where I can plant my feet on a solid foundation.

I have no intentions of dating ex-bf again. I guess you should never say never (that's what I said about affairs! lol), but I don't feel anything for him now other than friendship. it isn't about stirring up a romantic connection again for me. It's more about being reminded of a time when I knew what it was like to be loved, and to be allowed to love, out loud. There are women who say they don't need that, and maybe that's true. But don't stay in something that's hurting you as much as (if not more) than it's adding value to your life simply because you're too afraid to let go. (I'm preaching to myself right now too, by the way! I still struggle with this!)

I have swapped emails with a few of you already, but for everyone I may not hear from again, I wish you the best! Thank you for being a sounding board I couldn't have made it without for the last year!

ashadams244 ashadams244
31-35, F
1 Response Apr 20, 2016

Thank you for sharing :) I know the feelings of this well!