Hate Being In This!!
I am the other woman, and that is the first time I have actually admitted that. Maybe thats one step closer to getting out of this.
I feel I am a walking, talking contradiction and I am very much starting to dislike the person I am becoming.
I am 26, outgoing, friendly, have an interesting job that i love, a great family, lots of friends, without sounding big headed not short of male attention. But still I love someone who will never, ever be mine.
Lets start at the beginning, I'm hoping that writing all this out may help me somehow, so my apologises if it's rather long
In 2005 I became friendly with a guy, I was 21, just out of a long relationship and I was looking to enjoy myself with commitment, this guy, M was more than happy with that, recently becoming single himself. I rnjoyed his company, we had fun and it was good, we kept it casual and of course, sexual, without commitment. Perfect at the time. Then in November 2006 I met someone else, and so did M and I moved away, although we stayed in contact it wasnt too frequent and life moved on for both of us. In May 2008 I spilt with my boyfriend, it was incredibly hard and I was heart broken, M was my shoulder to cry on, despite our past, he was an amazing friend to me, I actually couldnt have got through it without him.
In October 2008 I moved back to my home city, this is when everything started to change again. Even though I knew he was still with his girlfriend, our relationship became again sexual, but mostly we became completely emotionally involved. We were speaking every day and seeing each other once or twice a week. But although I was falling for him, I didn't tell him so and nor did he tell me, we just kept quiet and enjoyed our 'relationship'.......In May this year he went away on holiday for 2 weeks and we had lttle contact, the day he returned he came straight to see me and told me he was in love with me and wanted to be with me, I was stunned. And in that instant I knew I was completely his.....Now came the bombshell, he had lied to me, and was actually MARRIED and got married in 2007 when we didnt have much contact....it sounds so mad when I say it to myself now, he lied to me until after he knew I was in love with him, but stupidly I forgave him because I believed we would now be together.....he didn't love her anymore and wanted me....so he left...FOR 4 WEEKS!! And being truly honest, those were the best 4 weeks of my life, that sounds so pathetic now!!
So he went back, they had only been married just short of 2 years, and he told me he believed his marriage deserved a chance, they were going to have counselling etc etc. I was heart broken, and he maintained that he still loved me more then he would ever love his wife...but he had to at least try to make a go of things. I should have walked away then, and I tried but I couldn't. He constantly texted me, he rang me crying that he couldn't let me go, that I meant everything to him.
So here I am, almost 7 months down the line and still seeing him, I still love him, but part of me hates him. The rational part of me knows that if he truly loved me his marriage wouldnt mean a thing, if I was truly who he wanted he would do anything he could to be with me...I know that he's got the best of both worlds, Im the one who goes to bed on my own every night.....he tells me they dont have a sex life, the intimate part of their relationship has gone, I do believe this in some ways, but then I know all married men probably say this....he texts and calls me everyday from the start of the day til he goes to bed, I see him often, he is in my life completely, he's knows my family, my friends. But no one he is friends with even knows I exists.
I do love him, I actually hate myself for saying it, for feeling it, I don;t want to be in this anymore, but I cant walk away, WHY??!! He has never said he will leave his wife for me, so I know it wont happen, I know if I walked away he wouldnt fight for me, maybe I'm scared of that because then it will prove I'm nothing. When I am with him, I forget all this, all I can think is how good it feels to be with him, to walk down a street holding his hand and to feel complete. He doesn't want me to be with anyone else, but I do date, more because I feel its the only thing I kinda have some control over, I hate that he knows I would drop everything just to see him, I rearrange my life to suit him. By dating other guys I think it somehow proves that he doesnt have that hold over me, although he probably knows he does. I cant let myself get emotionally attached to anyone though, Its such a contradiction that I wouldnt ever betray him by being with anyone else properly, more so because I'm very much devoted to one person when I'm with them!!
He is going away for 3 weeks over christmas and new year so I wont see him, and I've asked if we can have no contact for that time, this is gonna kill me I know it, but I'm hoping that a bit of time may help me realise I dont need him like i seem to believe I do.
I know many people judge those who are the other woman, I myself have done so....its so easy to judge when your not in the situation.