Hate Being In This!!

I am the other woman, and that is the first time I have actually admitted that. Maybe thats one step closer to getting out of this.

I feel I am a walking, talking contradiction and I am very much starting to dislike the person I am becoming.

I am 26, outgoing, friendly, have an interesting job that i love, a great family, lots of friends, without sounding big headed not short of male attention. But still I love someone who will never, ever be mine.

Lets start at the beginning, I'm hoping that writing all this out may help me somehow, so my apologises if it's rather long

In 2005 I became friendly with a guy, I was 21, just out of a long relationship and I was looking to enjoy myself with commitment, this guy, M was more than happy with that, recently becoming single himself. I rnjoyed his company, we had fun and it was good, we kept it casual and of course, sexual, without commitment. Perfect at the time. Then in November 2006  I met someone else, and so did M and I moved away, although we stayed in contact it wasnt too frequent and life moved on for both of us.  In May 2008 I spilt with my boyfriend, it was incredibly hard and I was heart broken, M was my shoulder to cry on, despite our past, he was an amazing friend to me, I actually couldnt have got through it without him.

In October 2008 I moved back to my home city, this is when everything started to change again. Even though I knew he was still with his girlfriend, our relationship became again sexual, but mostly we became completely emotionally involved. We were speaking every day and seeing each other once or twice a week. But although I was falling for him, I didn't tell him so and nor did he tell me, we just kept quiet and enjoyed our 'relationship'.......In May this year he went away on holiday for 2 weeks and we had lttle contact, the day he returned he came straight to see me and told me he was in love with me and wanted to be with me, I was stunned. And in that instant I knew I was completely his.....Now came the bombshell, he had lied to me, and was actually MARRIED and got married in 2007 when we didnt have much contact....it sounds so mad when I say it to myself now, he lied to me until after he knew I was in love with him, but stupidly I forgave him because I believed we would now be together.....he didn't love her anymore and wanted me....so he left...FOR 4 WEEKS!! And being truly honest, those were the best 4 weeks of my life, that sounds so pathetic now!!

So he went back, they had only been married just short of 2 years, and he told me he believed his marriage deserved a chance, they were going to have counselling etc etc. I was heart broken, and he maintained that he still loved me more then he would ever love his wife...but he had to at least try to make a go of things. I should have walked away then, and I tried but I couldn't. He constantly texted me, he rang me crying that he couldn't let me go, that I meant everything to him.

So here I am, almost 7 months down the line and still seeing him, I still love him, but part of me hates him. The rational part of me knows that if he truly loved me his marriage wouldnt mean a thing, if I was truly who he wanted he would do anything he could to be with me...I know that he's got the best of both worlds, Im the one who goes to bed on my own every night.....he tells me they dont have a sex life, the intimate part of their relationship has gone, I do believe this in some ways, but then I know all married men probably say this....he texts and calls me everyday from the start of the day til he goes to bed, I see him often, he is in my life completely, he's knows my family, my friends. But no one he is friends with even knows I exists.

I do love him, I actually hate myself for saying it, for feeling it, I don;t want to be in this anymore, but I cant walk away, WHY??!! He has never said he will leave his wife for me, so I know it wont happen, I know if I walked away he wouldnt fight for me, maybe I'm scared of that because then it will prove I'm nothing. When I am with him, I forget all this, all I can think is how good it feels to be with him, to walk down a street holding his hand and to feel complete. He doesn't want me to be with anyone else, but I do date, more because I feel its the only thing I kinda have some control over, I hate that he knows I would drop everything just to see him, I rearrange my life to suit him. By dating other guys I think it somehow proves that he doesnt have that hold over me, although he probably knows he does. I cant let myself get emotionally attached to anyone though, Its such a contradiction that I wouldnt ever betray him by being with anyone else properly, more so because I'm very much devoted to one person when I'm with them!!

He is going away for 3 weeks over christmas and new year so I wont see him, and I've asked if we can have no contact for that time, this is gonna kill me I know it, but I'm hoping that a bit of time may help me realise I dont need him like i seem to believe I do.

I know many people judge those who are the other woman, I myself have done so....its so easy to judge when your not in the situation.


kinky26 kinky26
26-30, F
8 Responses Dec 4, 2009

I empathize. Once you allow your heart to be won over even a little bit it is easy to become involved in a less than ideal scenario.
This guy really needs to be kicked to the curb. Do you really want a man who either cannot make a decision or doesn't have the balls to act?

This is painful to read for other women who have been faithful and had their husbands cheat and fall for another. I left my husband for cheating and I have two beautiful kids w/ him. He still is very attracted to me and tries to get with me when he can, but I realize I respect myself more than he does. I am still dealing with the terrible heartache his and her selfishness have caused. My husband is I think bipolar and he won't get help. The women he cheated w/ he's known since grade school, but she too is married and has 8 kids...she is attractive but not beautiful. She stays in shape. My husband has a problem and she does too because she needs another man (like mine) to make her feel alive and pretty again I suppose...Although I can't blame her totally. He is the idiot who threw away his family to live this fantasy. They don't even live in the same state. No judgement...it is what it is, but just wish people had more compassion and fellow feeling for others who have been effected by things like this. Their is no more loyalty in people it seems, ...it's rather sad. Good luck and I hope you find someone who is willing to give you all of them and not just the parts they want to..

i need help. im falling for a taken guy. im also married but imm separated from my husband and currently divorcing, this guy has a daughter with his gf, we txt monday through friday. see each other often, no weekends. what should i do? i dont want to get hurt but its hard to back off.

I kind of feel like I am in that same kind of situation. The way i see it is the man is going to do what he wants to do anyway. Its like the same saying goes... Men like to have their cake and eat it too... its true! Most men do this because they think they can get away with this. Do not let him take advantage of you. On another note some men just do not trust women! If you are up on your religion you will catch a story that God was at first a woman until eve ate is apple? Some men think that they are God which we all know isn't true. I hope you take the information that I am giving you and I hope you get around to feeling that you are worthy and knowing that you deserve to be treated with respect.

I'm in a similar situation but I'm his ex ( so he saids) we never broke up. Although he lives with his new girlfriend we never actually broke up. I hate it. He's always telling her lies about me. Like I have a new boyfriend and I'm happy little does she know the boyfriend is her boyfriend. He saids she's more lie the mistress I believe other wise. I only get to see him once a week he never stays with me. We never go out. It's just sex and I'm starting to hate myself for doing it. I love him so much and I've tried to leave many times. Even changed my number on him but he stills pops over for his sex visit. He gets angry because he thinks I'm with someone else but I'm not. Worse thing is we have a child together that his new girlfriend doesn't know about. He doesn't visit his son just me. I cry every time he leaves me as I know he's going home to her and it hurts. If he loves me like he saids he does why does he still live with her. I feel like the mistress that's because I am. i know how you feel your story is just like mine.

I came here hoping to find out why I am feeling such physical pain and not having and idle moment without thoughts of him, of us. We reaquainted at a high school reunion. I had a crush on him in high school and he recently told me that he had one on me too but after a couple of dates back then, he thought I was not interested. We laugh so much when we are talking or together. This has only been one week into this situation and I know this is wrong. I have told him to go home and quit looking for something he already has. All that has exchanged between us is flirting emails, dinner, holding hands, reminiscing, and one kiss. I just don't understand why, after I told him to go home, am I still checking email to see if he has sent me a message, or hoping to run into him while I am out, or constantly thinking about him. Why can't I sleep? Why am I so utterly miserable? This is all new to me. I have had a husband who cheated on me several times so I know what his wife would feel if she ever found out. I am single now but I never, ever thought I would be in this situation!

I understand what your going through, I have a sister in law that is going through basically the same thing with a married man and I told her it's no good for her she should date others because he's never going to marry her. I went through a situation that hurt me because I was going with a man that lived with his mother and didn't plan on changing the mater so I was left out in the cold. And I really did love him and it was hard to brake it off but I found a new guy and that made it a lot easier. You'll find someone else.

i was also lied to and after i was hooked, i found out the truth. i know. i think it is harder in some ways. i also date as a way to keep control. he also wants me to be exclusive. but hey, he's not. fair play.